IntoStarDust

I lost my husband and my toddler son within a week of each other, I had never taken a drink in my life until that moment. (as alcoholism runs on all sides of my family and I have seen what it could do) I found it numbed the pain and finally allowed me to sleep...then what was originally just a glass or two a night became something more. I do alright these days during the day but when the nighttime comes to call, the shadows in my mind play.

This was never who I wanted to be and I did this to myself. I no longer have family and I have no friends. I have isolated myself in my grief. Drinking has been the only company I have had to make the noise and memories inside my head quiet for a time. But I can't take it anymore, I hate it. I had what it is doing to me in other ways.

I'm ready to stop but I am not sure how....mainly because it is still the only thing that quiets my pain and helps me to sleep. It is the ONLY thing that helps me not to recall my nightmares.

Something has to give...that is why I am here.

whopper

I am sorry you lost your son and husband, and now dealing with the grief. Alcohol just makes it worse in the long run, causes more depressed feelings than what it takes away. Perhaps grief counseling would be a better option.

least

I am sorry for your pain. Alcohol doesn't make it go away, it just buries it and it's exposed later on. I hope you can find the courage to stop drinking. Sober is better.

IntoStarDust

Thank you first off and I am in counselling....and I find all I do right now is just fall apart every time I go to open my mouth. And it's been 2 years but it is still so fresh. My son was only 2 and he died on his birthday. Fitting I suppose.

The house is so empty and devoid of everything, I just cannot cope... I do not know how others do this, they must be so strong.

IntoStarDust

Thank you. I hope that I can as well....that is why I am here. I've done it off and on a few times but 3 weeks were as long as I made it. My son's bday and death day just passed along with my husbands...and I spent the entire time with a bottle glued to my lips; while I baked them a cake and sent off balloons in their memory.

I never did bring myself to eat the cake...just kept it in the freezer so I could look at it.

kevlarsjal2

I can’t even imagine your pain sending you much love and I hope you find a way to reach out (not just online although I think it’s a great start) and break the isolation. I once read that the purpose of grief is to help/prepare us to love again in the future. Maybe very slowly you can surround yourself with people again who care about you. Reconnect to old friends or family or make new contacts and have people supporting you through the grief. Having supportive people around us is so important. I don’t think anyone can do this alone.

For now I think it’s amazing that you reached out to us and you’ll see that there is so much love and support on this site

IntoStarDust

Thank you so much for your reply. Sadly, all my family is dead and gone. My mum and da killed themselves by leaving a pub intoxicated. *rolls eyes and SMH* thankfully they only hurt themselves. Grandparents are long since gone so it really is just me.

Right before everything with my husband and son we had moved countries so I hadn't really had the time to make friends and now....that has been the further thing from my mind.

I have been trying to get out more and do the things I once use to do, like hiking and playing my violin. I even picked up my paints again and painted one of my walls as a mural.

At this point I am not sure what I am doing outside of surviving....I am not sure why I am still even here to be honest. (as in alive) It is amazing how many times I have been at lethal levels of alcohol. SMH again.

Everyday is an effort as I am sure most of you can understand. Today I am reaching out and saying, I know I cannot do this alone.

My body is at a point of quit or die.

Ghostlight1

I, too, am sorry for your losses.
The closest I came to tragedy of that magnitude was watching two very dear friends drink and drug themselves to death.
I came close, too.
I learned from it though, and don't drink partly in their honor. They taught me a lessen.
I think of them every day, sometimes I get mad at them for leaving me. But, I don't drink over it.
Other times it's the fun memories. We were so young once.

I know they're in Heaven now and wouldn't want me to follow in their footsteps.
It's sobering. I wish the same for you.

IntoStarDust

Thank you so much and I am sorry for your loss as well. It is never easy.

Hopefully this is a turning point for me...

Ghostlight1

Thank you.
Yes, this could be a turning point. I wish that for you.
I can relate to you and your story and it makes me sad. Losing my friends still makes me sad.
Let yourself grieve . I know I had to, with a bottle of course for quite awhile.
But that's the past for me and enough of it has gone by where I feel better about things.

I've been sober nine and a half years now. The pain is still there, their memories in my heart. I'm living sober partly for them. Partly for myself. It's what they would have wanted.

soberlicious

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine that the grief must be completely overwhelming.

I think that your husband and your sweet little guy would not want mommy to hurt herself.

I am glad you are trying to dabble in things you previously enjoyed. Many times creative outlets have helped me through dark times. It's a healthy way to temporarily "get lost" and away from our pain, even if for just a few moments...alcohol will never do anything but add more pain.

Thinking of you and glad you are here. You will find lots of support here.

IntoStarDust

Wow, 9.5 years! That is amazing. I hope that will be me one day.

All I know is that drinking is killing me and I already suffer from a heart condition (that will eventually kill me) and I want to be able to know that I died sober. For myself and for my husband and my son. Last thing I want is to die drunk. I want to make sure that when my time comes, I left here clean.

As silly as it may sound.

Radix

I'm also very sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry that you're feeling chained to drink.

You have many positive qualities that shine through: you're intelligent, artistic and creative, and thoughtful. If you want to work towards sobriety, those qualities will suit you well.

Stay here... SR is a good community.

IntoStarDust

Thank you so much.

The nights are the hardest...that is when it all just becomes too much. No one to tell stories too, to tuck in and kiss goodnight. No more snuggling up next to my husband and feeling his arms around me. No more singing the silly pancake song. (a song we came up with when we use to make coloured pancakes for our son)

These are the things I think about.... I still find myself going to his room expecting him to be there. I guess, I always will.

And you are right, they would not want me to do what I have been doing to myself. And that is another reason why I need to figure this out.

IntoStarDust

Thank you very much, for all your kind words.

This site was referred to me by someone that was/is a member. They are now 2 years sober because they found support here. I hope to be able to say the same in 2 years time.

Thank you all so very much.

Hevyn

Welcome IntoStarDust - we're so glad you found us & decided to join.

Be proud of yourself for taking control & choosing a better life. Many never admit what drinking is doing to them. I'm so sorry for all you've been through - I hope being here with us will help you to not feel alone. This is an encouraging & friendly place to be - and we care about you.

IntoStarDust

Thank you so much and everyone here has been so nice thus far.

You are right many never admit it...I should know from my families history. They always said they were in control I know that was not the case just like I know it is not the case with me. If I was in "control" I would not be here right now.

I did this to myself and now I have to overcome it. I hope I can be strong enough to see this through.

Again, it is the nights that get to me the most.

Dee74

I'm so so sorry for your loss - that must have been horrific.

I'm glad you survived tho, and I'm really glad you found us IntoStarDust - this is a place of great support and understanding

D

Ayers

IntoStarDust – Your post took my breath away. I cannot imagine how anyone could cope with such huge double-grief. I sat here crying for you.
I am feeling sooo much sympathy and empathy for you – and wish I could hug you and console you and make it all go away. I am also feeling SUCH shame … I drank , and had no real reason to … I have everything going for me.

Your post humbled me , forced me to my knees , punched the breath out of me !!!! If that had happened to me , I can assure you I wouldn’t even had made it so far as you have.

Dear ISD – I think joining SR is the best thing you have done for yourself . You have a lot of grief to work through. Please be assured that we are here, to support you , even if it just means you have a sounding board, keep talking to us.

Letting go of your alcohol crutch is actually essential to help you work through your grief . Emotional problems cannot be addressed if they are being numbed.

I have you in my thoughts this whole day ahead . Please try not to drink today, just keep posting and talking to us . You are NOT alone in this. May you be blessed today with unknown strength and power to overcome and defeat your situation.

Hawking22

That is a tremendous blow, my friend and I cannot fathom your grief. You're not the only one who saw the power of the poison as a numbing agent, and it's understandable. Turning away from your (seemingly) sole source of support is a very difficult thing to process and experience too. But you can do it. Your new life and new normal will begin and get slowly but so surely better and better each day.

As a starting point, would it be feasible to seek treatment? A rehabilitation facility can be a good reset button, and a good start to educating yourself not only about addiction but start the process of discovering yourself again. If not, a therapist and AA are such a good starting point. You will find strangers in those rooms that will empathize and know your struggles in the most eerily similar way. In addition, your family here on SR can and will walk you through your new journey <3
Let us know what you need and how we can help.