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Join Date: Sep 2018
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New again
I am only 3 days sober. I had 8 months sober years ago. I feel such an overwhelming sense of guilty and shame that I can barely sleep. I have 3 kids ages 15,14 and 7 and they have seen me at my absolute worst. Me screaming at then in a drunken rage, some physical abuse from their stepfather towards me and vice versa. I am afraid I have scarred them for life. I am completely different when I am sober and a complete monster when I am drunk. I want to enter treatment. After another fight in front of my kids with their stepdad, I said that's it. I'm done drinking. I just feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown because I am so overwhelmed with shame and guilt over how i treated them. I love them more than anything. They never asked for an alcoholic mother. That's all they have known me as. It wasn't an everyday thing, but so much damage has been done. I can't even make it up to them. I just feel like crying all the time and can't focus at work. I just want to keep hugging and kissing them and telling them how sorry I am for ruining their childhoods.
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Originally Posted by Chung 
I am only 3 days sober. I had 8 months sober years ago. I feel such an overwhelming sense of guilty and shame that I can barely sleep. I have 3 kids ages 15,14 and 7 and they have seen me at my absolute worst. Me screaming at then in a drunken rage, some physical abuse from their stepfather towards me and vice versa. I am afraid I have scarred them for life. I am completely different when I am sober and a complete monster when I am drunk. I want to enter treatment. After another fight in front of my kids with their stepdad, I said that's it. I'm done drinking. I just feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown because I am so overwhelmed with shame and guilt over how i treated them. I love them more than anything. They never asked for an alcoholic mother. That's all they have known me as. It wasn't an everyday thing, but so much damage has been done. I can't even make it up to them. I just feel like crying all the time and can't focus at work. I just want to keep hugging and kissing them and telling them how sorry I am for ruining their childhoods.
The good news is that you can change and you can be an example to your kids. You can show them that work, goodness, discipline and intention can be had. But you have you to do the work, demonstrate the discipline, hold onto the goodness and live with intention. It's within you.
What is your plan?
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Join Date: Sep 2018
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I want to see a counselor. I have been to counseling before but I think I have emotional trauma that I never dealth with completely. I asked my kids if they want to go to Alateen so they don't have to feel that they are alone and that it doesn't have to be a secret. At my worst, and this was another reason I knew I needed to quit, I threatened to commit suicide. When I was sober I would never even consider it. This is different this time quitting. It hit me like a ton of bricks and seeing my kids in pain that I really wanted to quit. I told my kids that I do not expect them to believe me and they have every right to feel so much anger and anxiety and possible hatred. I just hope day by day that they can see I really mean it this time. Again, I never felt so compelled to quit before. I pray to God they do not turn out to be addicts more than anything.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Woodburn, OR
Posts: 422
I’m so sorry that you are feeling this. Please know that You are not alone and can get better. You’re children can forgive and all they want is their mom back. Good news is- is that you can do this and it will just take some time. Getting and staying sober will get all those pieces back into place and you can be the mama you really are. Just get through today, go home and hug & kiss them all, get to bed sober and do the same tomorrow. So many hugs to you!
Erica
Erica
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 118
Hi Chung, I completely empathise with your situation. Like you I have 3 kids (a little older than yours, though) & they've seen me at my absolute worst, culminating in their mother & I separating about 3 & a half years ago.
And I'm not going to sugarcoat this: yes, there's some permanent damage done in my relationship with them, & that may well be the case with you.
But here's the important thing, the hopeful message, if you like: whilst my kids saw me at my worst, they also saw me get & stay Sober, clean myself up, turn my life around, & recover. And now they've got the dad they always wanted & deserved.
Thing is, recovery & some kind of redemption are available to everyone, no matter how far down the plughole you think you've gone. But it's not easy, & it'll take time & patience.
I wish you all the very best
And I'm not going to sugarcoat this: yes, there's some permanent damage done in my relationship with them, & that may well be the case with you.
But here's the important thing, the hopeful message, if you like: whilst my kids saw me at my worst, they also saw me get & stay Sober, clean myself up, turn my life around, & recover. And now they've got the dad they always wanted & deserved.
Thing is, recovery & some kind of redemption are available to everyone, no matter how far down the plughole you think you've gone. But it's not easy, & it'll take time & patience.
I wish you all the very best
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 86
Thank you all for your encouraging words. I know it will take time for them to trust me again, but every day I want to show them how much I love them and surprisingly, I can't wait to go home to hug and kiss them rather than wanting to drink. I just got bad health news regarding my fiance and that would normally want me to drink, but have no desire, not today.
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