Gottalife

I can save you a bit of work on identifing triggers if you like.

First write down: Being Conscious.... That just about covers it.

I didn't usually drink when I was unconscious, so I only had to figure out how to stay sober when I was awake. Simple.

Hawking22

Oh, you're singing my song! I only drank for oblivion, complete and utter abandonment. I woke up each day in a state of worry, bitterness and a chip on my shoulder for feeling like I had to constantly prove myself to the world. I gave everything I had and was to my job, my clients, my relationships, wanting to save everyone, wanting to be a hero, constantly seeking approval and acknowledgement. I wore my blazer, painted face and smile everyday and every night I came home with my bottle and my **** eating grin. I created this world around myself, absolute hell where I could give no cares, push whatever buttons I wanted to and flirt with and antagonize boundaries. It's sick how much I prided myself on being the virtuous Dr. Jekyll, but I craved being Mr. Hyde and fueling that fire even though I was burning from within , slowly watching everything go up in flames around with me a sick satisfaction. I still crave it sometimes. I hate being the caring, loving individual I am now sometimes. The one doing heavy lifting working on myself, as I shake my fists wanting the wall to move for me.

That is the inner turmoil and journey a lot of us must face, putting the beast to death. It's a fight not for the faint of heart. But I think each moment of clarity and awareness we experience, like the one you did, pushes another move on the chess board. Thank you for your post <3

AintDeadYet

Thanks so much for all the responses. SR is currently my only support in all this, and you really came through! (And, yes, I'm working on getting more support, but that's another post.)

The overwhelming desire to flee responsibility keeps coming up in the responses, and I'm feeling like that's the central theme. I've spent most of my life avoiding a leadership position, but I've finally reached the "if you want something done right, do it yourself" point in my career. Now I find myself in a room full of people not only waiting for me to tell them what to do, but depending on me for their livelihood as well. Getting blotto with them at the end of the day relieves that feeling of responsibility, and makes me feel less like a "boss" and more like a coworker.

Combine this with a work environment where I can openly swig from a bottle of bourbon without raising eyebrows, and my waking up in my boss's bed (yet again) is a running joke among my crew... Well, it's seems pretty obvious why things have gone downhill.

MissOverIt--Travel adventures are definitely where it's at! Need more...

Nonsensical--Yup.

August--My son's 13. I have a great relationship with him, but don't talk about this stuff with him... or my past. As a child, adults telling me about all the drugs they did back in the "hippie days" definitely made drug use seem cool.

Hawking22--"I hate being the caring, loving individual I am now sometimes." Isn't that crazy? But I totally relate.

August252015

I am not sure that you took quite what I meant from that post. I was trying to say that if I acted the way my drunk (grown up but acting like a bad teenager) self did around my 16 yr old that would be horrible for her. I wasn't talking about sharing stories, but of the impact of an alcoholic parent on kids and teens, especially at really impressionable and already challenging ages.

Buckley3

Resonates with me big time.

I’m in the process in my recovery of trying to get my arms around defining what I really value in life. Turns out, I value breaking the rules (to an extent), pushing back on convention, etc.

I have a very strong desire to be independent and autonomous. Combine that with a stubborn streak and, we’ll, you get the picture.

So yea, I now understand that much of my impulse toward drinking/drugging was a means for me to stick a big middle finger up to convention. Almost killed me.

Now, I’m starting the process of learning/discovering how to express this rascality in a more constructive way. I don’t want to lose my edginess and morph into something more docile, but I also dont want to destroy myself.

Still a work in progress I guess...

B

AintDeadYet

August--Sorry I misinterpreted your post! I'm still wrestling with insomnia and not tracking things 100%. So far, I've been good about keeping things in check around my son (I have him half time). In fact, he hasn't even seemed to notice I'm no longer drinking. But I know if I keep going the way I have been, he's going to pick up on it soon.

August252015

Me too. And once I got sober I realized that these are things that help me be as focused on the rewards of recovery as I was hell bent on self destruction! Not being chained to alcohol makes me as free as I can imagine.

soberlicious

I am the same, but I still stick up a big middle finger to convention. I just do it sober, which is actually more fun.

I can remember feeling this way. Actually it's where my screen name came from. When I was wondering this same thing one day to a friend, about whether I would morph into something docile, he said "You don't need booze, you are soberlicious"

I've realized through the years that edginess and passion don't come from a bottle. Anyone can drink, get drunk, act crazy...that takes no skill, no thought, nothing edgy about it. People who are authentically fearless in life, without any substances, now that's badass.

Ayers

Hawking, this is for you. Pleeeeze listen to it . Beautiful song !

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHeK0Cwr9sg
Lyrics
Let me go
I don't wanna be your hero
I don't wanna be a big man
Just wanna fight like everyone else
Your masquerade
I don't wanna be a part of your parade
Everyone deserves a chance to
Walk with everyone else
While holding down
A job to keep my girl around
And maybe buy me some new strings
And her and I out on the weekend
And we can whisper things
Secrets from my American dreams
Baby needs some protection
But I'm a kid like everyone else
So let me go
I don't wanna be your hero
I don't wanna be a big man
I just wanna fight like everyone else
Ooh
Ooh
So let me go
I don't wanna be your hero
I don't wanna be a big man
I just wanna fight with everyone else
Your masquerade
I don't wanna be a part of your parade
Everyone deserves a chance to
Walk with everyone else

Songwriters: Joe Keefe
Hero lyrics © Peermusic Publishing
Artist: Family of the Year
Album: Loma Vista
Released: 2012
Genre: Alternative/Indie

bexxed

I love this post. Totally relate and echo what Zantac said: you have a great voice in it.

It’s fun to “be bad” sober. Let that 13year old grow up like Dee said and the fun and off beat things don’t end - they begin. You get to redefine bad, which is fortunate because getting drunk is actually pretty boring.

Off beat things I’ve done sober: I’m learning to scuba dive. I started trail running. More confident at work and people have called me a bad ass which makes the growing up 13 year old swell with pride. Got a couple of tattoos that I put a lot of thought into beforehand. Started being more honest about my opinions, sober, not drunk ranting. Started wearing funkier clothes. Drove 1000 miles to see the total solar eclipse in the best spot in the country. There’s more but maybe you follow.

Once we get out of the rut alcohol dug with us, our lives can get way more interesting. That “bad” side of me now is very engaged in having more fun.

thomas11

I can relate to wanting to be bad, but for me, like everything else I had to push it to the limits. Then being bad had real life consequences, like prison and death. I had one incident happen to me in 1997 and since then I have had no desire to be bad.