elzel

I don't have a drinking problem. I can drink with the best. What I have is a stopping problem. I can pick up the finest most expensive bottle of whisky, or 3 or 4 of the cheapest bottles of wine, the ones that come in the jumbo 1.5 L bottles with the screw cap from the bottom shelf, and if I open one bottle, they will all be empty by the next morning.

So I don't allow myself to start. For the past decade, 10 or 11 months of the year, not a drop. I exercise daily, eat healthy, mind my business. I try to be the best husband, father, son, brother I can be. But then the storm hits.

I ve been looking at these forums for years but never participated. You have all helped me a lot from the outside looking in. I do not call my drinking episodes "relapse" as some of you do here, because most times I have fallen off the wagon I have allowed myself to pick up. No one else has forced me or triggered me. Its been voluntary on my part.

Most of these episodes start with travel. Sober for a year, we went to Rome 4 years ago. I wasnt about to go to Italy, and not drink their wine. The flowing year was Ireland. Then Spain. Then France. This year was Prague. 100% sober for 11 months but same thing. How can I spend 10 days traveling through the Czech Republic and not try their Pilsner? "I can stop when I get back" says my mind, but 9 weeks later Im drinking under the table and in the closet day and night.

Im a big boy. Im almost 66 years old. Successful in most of my personal, business, fitness etc affairs in my life. Im in control of my own destiny. I can stop anytime, but then I dont. For the 8, 9, 10 weeks following, I will be drinking daily, consuming probably a years worth of booze in those 2 months.

I stopped the marry go round a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't easy this time. I hate beer, but I was drinking it around the clock for the last two weeks only because my body couldn't tolerate anything heavier and I needed the alcohol in my system. My eating went to hell along with it.

I saw my doctor for a unrelated matter 2.5 weeks ago. I opened up to him and told him of my secret. He ordered lab work, no issues from that. Strong and fit as an oak he said. He gave me a script for something Xanax related. I got it, but I didn't get around to taking a single pill.

My 2018 storm is finally over. Ive been back at the gym and on my bicycle for the past 12 straight days. I need to find a way to make the dry spells last me longer, say, the next 20 + years? I went 7.5 years when my baby girl was born 30 years ago, and then 5+ years a decade ago. I know I can do this.

Thank you all.

doggonecarl

Welcome to Sober Recovery.

When you mentioned your drinking being kicked off with by a storm, I expected to read about life stressors or personal tragedy...not a overseas vacation.

You can't justify drinking, for one thing. For anything. The fear of missing out is a fabrication of our addiction. So are the hundred of other excuses we use to rationalize drinking. So when you commit to quitting, that's it. You've quit. For good. And if a trip to somewhere is going to knock you off your recovery, you don't go. Sobriety has to come first.

Read up on AVRT. Seems like you are prone to it. Recognizing it could help.

elzel

doggonecarl,

Im honored that you are the first to respond to my first post. Ive seen your responses here over the years and you are always right on. I appreciate it.

I have sat elbow to elbow with drinkers remaining totally sober. It never bothered me that they did and I didnt. Ive served alcohol in my house to friends over the years without twitching. Ive bought drinks for people without a second thought. When I am "on" I am 100% committed to be "on" my program. I have traveled to many other places with drinkers and remained in my groove. My wife drinks maybe 3 or 4 piña coladas and 4 or 5 glasses of wine a year. Perfectly OK with me. But when the "storm" hits, nothing matters. Everyone and everything get out of my way.

I have read a lot about alcoholism and AVRT for the past 30 years ago. I did AA and counseling back then. This is all nothing new to me. This could all very well be excuses on my part. I recognize that. If it wasn't a trip, I know it would be something else.

I have lived the sober life for a lot longer than the drinking in the closet spurts. The misery that alcohol bring to my life during my storms is not only agonizing, expensive and destructive, but when I finally get off, it was like why didnt someone give me a kick in the rear to get me to come around. You might be the one.

Thanks.

Anna

Welcome, and I'm glad you found us.

I would ask you what changes did you make in your life when you were not drinking? By that, I mean, what did you add to your life to support your recovery? Maybe there are things you could add or change in your lifestyle that would help you to remain sober forever.

John65

Hello elzel and welcome to SR

Even if you're only drinking 2-3 months a year, drinking a years worth (maybe more?) of booze in that time is a lot worse for you than spreading it out over the full year. As doggonecarl has already stated, the addictive voice is showing strong in your post but it’s clear to see that you want to change and have done for some time.

For many years you've recognised and been aware that your drinking is problematic because you’ve been reading on here and elsewhere, you’ve tried AA and counselling, you’ve now spoken to your GP.

It looks like you are now ready to start making the changes you desire and your first post on here is a big step in the right direction.

Good luck,

John

SnazzyDresser

Serious drinking like ours requires the serious solution of permanent sobriety, that's for sure. Gotta get serious and stay serious.

elzel

Just the good old axiom that when you really want something, you achieve it. I want to live sober and sane more than to be a drunk hiding in a cave. So I put the stops to all drinking. Very easy when I am determined.

All good, until the garbage gets in my head. I always pick up telling myself that this OK because it is short term and I will get back to my program next week. I do stop, but it takes me 10 times as long to do so. Never the next week. I know this is a fallacy but I do it anyway knowing better. Its an illusion.

entropy1964

This could all very well be excuses on my part. I recognize that. If it wasn't a trip, I know it would be something else.

That sounds more like it.

I'm a bender drinker as well. And my benders are relapses. And they are intentional. A choice. Isn't the first drink always a choice?

Sounds like you know what you need to do. I guess it comes down to wanting to be sober more than wanting to be a periodic drunk.

Congrats on 12 days....I think that's right!

least

In order to stay sober, you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink.

elzel

11 weeks went by really quick: Rode my bicycle 5 days a week for 10 weeks. Got 130+/- miles every week. Went to the gym on my "off bike" days. Pushed the weights hard, I was exercising 7 morning every week. Then working 10 + hour in my office. Ate healthy. No booze. Got in shape. Lost 20 lbs.

Did a 100 mile bike ride 4 days before my 66th birthday in November .... in 6 hours 10 minutes.... A PR for me ..... But last week I fell back into the hole. Got some wine on Sunday, while my wife took a nap. 3 days later, drinking 4 bottles a day. Made me sick ( I hate cheap wine). Got some beer (I also hate beer). Drank 2 x 6 pack a day for 2 days. Screw this. Back to vodka.

Got a bottle WED, then a handle last night. Poured into 2 Powerade bottles. I had some this morning around 4 AM when I couldnt sleep. Sobered up enough to drive and now sitting in my office watching Youtubes of the NYC Rocketts. These girls are F-I-T.

Ill get off of this soon. I will make myself so sick I wont be able to continue. But Sunday (after sipping a bottle of tequila from 2 to 6 AM) I slept all day. Wife woke my at 6 PM and I was sure it was only 6 AM.

What is next? 12 or 14 weeks clean again before my next trip starting any day now. Cant be soon enough.... April is Scotland. I heard the whisky is pretty darn good in Edinburgh.

But for now, I need to sober up enough so that I can get work done at the office and I can drive home safe....Somehow I know I will...

Happy holidays to all.

doggonecarl

Sobriety is a choice. So is drinking.

You've made your choice.

WeThinkNot

Hi elzel,

Are your relapses increasing in frequency/duration? In your OP you said that you stay sober 10 to 11 months out of the year. But it seems that you were drinking this past August and now you're drinking again (correct me if I misunderstood). It also seems like you've already decided to drink come April.

It seems as if you've done well for yourself in life based on what I've read. Do you really want to spend your golden years fighting these battles again?

Gottalife

I wouldn't call them relapses either, neither would I call the time between drinks recovery. In my experience what is meant by recovery is the answer to your question about how to avoid picking up in future. I recovered many years ago and it has not occurred to me to pick up a drink no matter what. The thought doesn't come.

Your assertion that you pick up voluntarily might need further scrutiny. If you look at your experience in the past of what happens when you drink, well, it's bad enough that you are posting here. Don't you think that someone who was completely sane and rational, when tempted to take a drink, would look at that experience and decide against it? That would be the obvious thing, yet you make the opposite decision. Is that free will or have you temporarily lost the ability to see the reality of what happens when you drink?

If you are unable to weigh the evidence and reach a sane conclusion, don't you think there might just be something wrong with your thinking?

As an alcoholic I can say in my experience that the decision to drink (given past experience) often appeared to be a choice, but it wasn't. What would you think about someone who chose to run out on the motorway and was killed? Were they likely to be happy and well adjusted, or would they be more likely to be suffering some kind of mental or spiritual breakdown? For me to drink would be an act of insanity. Incidentally, no one ever forced me or triggered me either. I drank regardless, though my periods between drinks were not as great as yours.

Dee74

welcome back elzel

All I can tell you is recovery was a lot of tough choices for me in the beginning.

My life was all about drinking - I wanted to stop drinking - so my life had to change.

I had to think hard about what my recovery action plan was too - keeping busy and healthy, working out is great - until you stop working out or staying busy.

I needed a deeper plan than that - a plan that dealt with exactly how I was going to stay sober, finding the right support and using it, and what I do when I wanted to drink, or felt the pressure to drink.

This a pretty good link to some ideas on what a recovery action plan could look like for you.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ery-plans.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)

sure its a lot of work - but it sounds like you're working pretty hard right now to stay drinking and not have your life self destruct anyway?

D