howtohelphim

Hello, I'm new to this forum. I'm not sure what to really expect. I think my brother has a problem with alcohol, and I don't know how to help him. He's been in trouble legally three times, and every time he's been drunk. This last time, he was driving drunk. He refuses to see it. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I also really think he needs help. It doesn't help that my mom has some mental issues (which is a whole other issue), and my dad enables her, so I can't talk to them about it. In fact, they don't even know about his DUI. If they did, they probably wouldn't be too happy about the fact he drove their car (which he is buying from them, but no paperwork has been filed yet) 7 hours to go see friends on a suspended license with no insurance. Every time I see him, he is drinking, talking about drinking, or trying to get everyone to go drinking. He wanted to spend a day with our family (me, my husband, my dad, my mom, and my one year old) drinking margaritas. When my husband and I both said that wasn't appropriate for our daughter, he suggested going to a brewery instead. I've tried to tell him that I think he's drinking too much, and he immediately got defensive. He drinks in the mornings, and I think he drinks before work. I know he drinks on lunch. I'm worried that he's gonna hurt someone or himself. I can't trust him with my daughter, because he drinks when he's watching her. I don't know what to do.

Radix

I'm sorry your family is in this situation.

Here on SoberRecovery, there is a forum dedicated to friends and family of alcoholics, and you might also try posting there for additional advice and support. For in-person peer support, you could try attending a meeting of Al-Anon, which is a free nationwide support organization for those who have loved ones with addictions.

As for your brother, alcoholism is unfortunately a condition that comes with a lot of denial. Alcoholics often don't want to stop drinking (or they think they can't stop), and so they minimize the damage alcohol is doing to their lives. That lets them pretend everything is okay.

As long as your brother isn't ready to stop drinking, you can express your concern, let him know that you'll support him when he is ready to make a change, and then take whatever steps you need to take to keep yourself and your immediate family safe. There's not much else you can do until he's ready to try and stop.

It's sad, but there's no magic word to say, no special tactic to employ, no argument to make that will get him to change until he's ready to change.

DontRemember

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do. I was court ordered to AA with my DUI and it really got me straightened out. At the same time though, I had been 'toying' with trying to get my drinking under control for a couple years prior to my wreck,so I was already self-aware of my problem. There's a great friends and family section on here that's full of advice,links,ect..give it a look too.

howtohelphim

He's just a completely different person than when we were kids. We were home schooled, so we spent a lot of time together, but when he went to college, he changed. That's when the drinking started. He got control of it for a while, and now he's spinning out again. He's always been there for me, and I want to be there for him. He's just so angry and mean now. I don't know how to be there for him, when I can't stand being around him.

Anna

I'm sorry for your situation. I hope that your brother will decide that he wants to stop drinking and recover.

It might be helpful for you to check out AlAnon in your town/city as a support for yourself.

Berrybean

Hi. I'm sorry for what brings you here but glad that you found us.

Unfortunately you can't help him until he sees his drlnking as a problem. It sounds like he's fine and dandy with the way things are right now.

All you can do is refuse to enable him. Covering things up and keeping secrets from your parents might be doing this as it's cushioning him from the consequences of his choices. Most folk who get desperate enough to tackle their drinking and work on their recovery do it because the consequences but too uncomfortable in the end. Setting healthy and safe boundaries is really important, and it sounds like you are doing that with regards to your child in not putting them in his care.

There is a really supportive Friend's and Family subforum on here. At the top there are 'sticky' posts which are really useful reading. It might also be useful to attend AlAnon meetings for face to face support.

BB

howtohelphim

I'm in therapy to deal with some other issues, and I've brought up my brother. My therapist thinks I shouldn't tell my parents because it isn't my place. But that was before I found out he was driving their car with no license and insurance. I don't know what to do. To top it all off, my mom's mental illnesses complicate things. She has borderline personality disorder along with an attachment disorder, so she doesn't see reality. She sees whatever makes her the victim, and she will invent whatever "facts and feelings" she needs to make this "reality" true. So if I do tell my parents, somehow this will be my fault to.

Radix

If your parents let your daily-drinking brother have access to their car, that's between them and him.

I'd recommend neither telling nor not-telling them. Just step back and let it unfold however it's going to unfold. They'll either find out, or not.

least

My first thought would be telling the police when you know he's drinking and driving. It would be horrible if he caused an accident that hurt someone.