Still on the slippery slope
 

Hey guys, it's been a while since I've checked in. I'm not on the right path, and can't really take any 'I told you so's" right now. I'm here to get support, I can't find my sobriety......thanks for listening..

Welcome back wildflower. What can we do to help? You can choose the right path if you want...what's holding you back?

Hi wildflower it's nice to meet you :)

What's been happening?

Thanks Scott,

I don't want to feel the pain of life anymore.

I'm so tired, even when I'm sober, I'm so tired.

I have terrible nightmares, a loss of vitality, I need to change my direction.

I'm considering taking a 6 month sabbatical, to travel, rest and get back on tract.

Has anyone done this before??

Hi wikdflower

to be honest I think you need to focus on not drinking. Many of us have tried to outrun our alcoholism but I found wherever I was the problem was still there.

Getting sober is hard - but you've done it before - you know it's not externally hard...it gets better.

The pain of life was far more painful for me to bear as a drinker because I never did anything about the things that caused me pain.

How can we help you get some traction here?

D

I'm sorry things are so tough for you at the moment.

If I have learned anything from my 25 odd years of drinking (during which I around moved a lot) it's that it didn't matter where I lived it was me that was the problem. I used to think that if I only lived somewhere where this happened or didn't happen or had more of this and less of that, then I'd be happy and wouldn't need to drink. But at the end of the day if you aren't happy with yourself nothing gets better.

I'm not saying don't travel it could be just what you need, but I wouldn't expect some Hollywood Eat, Pray, Love experience and everything is magically fixed when you come home.

Thanks Dee,

I'm not making it more than 3 days...there's always an excuse...I feel better now, drink. I'm going on a date, drink. It's my day off, drink.

Now I can't do anything....work, date, or enjoy a day off...it's all drink

I can't put it down....I'm on day 2 of a bender...puking, still drink, headache, still drink, it's consuming my every thought....drink

Then medical detox, followed by a stay in rehab. You can't seem to do this on your own.

Thanks Karl,

I know your heart is in the right place, and you speak from wisdom.

However, I would rather have someone come to my house (a nurse) than go to detox. As Dee has said, I can do this, I have done this.

I don't think I want to do this....I don't want to quit.

I'm just being honest....so, why am I here? Why was I pulled here tonight?

I don't think you're the first person to be pulled in two directions wildflower.

its like the parable of the two wolves fighting in us..the one that wins is the one we feed.

Maybe putting the dating to one side for a while might help? It's hard to juggle dating and early recovery.

Maybe focus on feeding the 'good wolf"for a while?

D

I felt the same as you earlier this year Wildflower. I thought about going travelling and also taking 6 months out. I have been “traveling” on and off for the last 10 years every time I felt like this but like most have eluded to, my problem never went away, it followed me or was fine while I was travelling but as soon as I got back to real life the same old problem returned.

6 months ago I was tired, and I mean really tired! I was depressed and just couldn’t stop on my own. I’d get 3 days under my belt and the madness would start again, I isolated, I made excuses and couldn’t accept my way doesn’t work. I held onto wanting to control parts of my recovery I.e. “I don’t want to follow the advice I am getting, I want to do it my way....that part is not relevant to me so I’ll do that bit my way”. My way clearly didn’t work otherwise I would be able to stay sober. I had to surrender and accept this before I could make any real changes.

Instead of blowing my money going travelling I went into rehab for 60 days in Thailand. At times I resisted treatment, got angry, sulked and whined that I wanted to do some of it but the rest I knew better what was right for me which was the same stinking thinking that kept me a drunk. Eventually I embraced it, let go and engaged with the programme. I am now 80 days sober and everything is different, Life is not full of rainbows and unicorns but I can deal with it, I have tools to help me cope. Best thing I ever did for myself!

Best of luck with whatever you decide xx

Hi wildflower. You have my support and you don't have to find sobriety--it is already within you but can seem so elusive--how I know this!
To claim my sobriety and sanity I had to do things that were entirely out of my comfort space. One of them was inpatient rehab, which I was entirely opposed to until the decision was taken from me and I had no other option save a miserable death. It turned out to be one of the best and bravest things I ever did. At first I was uncommunicative and shut-down but having the time to concentrate only on my recovery with no other distractions was a blessing. I opened up and started working hard on myself; I got my decency and self-respect back and began helping my peers--there was lots of fun, good humor (downright hilarity at times) and love in addition to the difficult work and I would never take back that experience. If it's not for you I understand, but please consider it--don't take anything off the table that could help.
'I don't think I want to do this....I don't want to quit.' I believe you do want to quit but it seems so overwhelming it's difficult to even think about how to do it. If you didn't, I don't think you'd be here. I know you can achieve sobriety and have a good, happy life, wildflower. I thought I was a hopeless case; I was very close to death but at the end I chose to live. Wishing you all the best on your sober journey.

MantaLady..


I would be very interested in a rehab program in Thailand....I feel the need to escape where I am, to find my true self again.

I am only sipping now to wean down, I can do this, I have to stop...

No "I told you so from me." I realize that quitting is harder for some than others. I was at an AA meeting earlier this week where a woman shared that she's been through five rehab centers over the last several years and she went out drinking again. Tears filled her eyes as she shared. It was not something she wanted. Cunning baffling and powerful...

It's not over unless you quit trying!

I would like to point out that the cleaning product Formula 409 got its name from perseverance. It's true. It took a lot of work. After 408 tries, two Detroit scientists finally got the formula for their cleaner right. They failed... over and over.

But they didn't quit.

Thank you everyone for the support...

I'm not gonna lie...I have a bottle of wine that I'm sipping every few hour to keep the withdrawal to a minimum.

This has to be it....if I can''t make tomorrow my Day 1, I'll go to rehab.

Hi Wf

I'm sorry you are struggling. I think rehab is a great idea if you find yourself unable to detox on your own, or with some medical assistance. It definitely is not a fix however. That strong desire to quit, more than anything else, is really necessary. I am grateful for rehab however, for sure.

Speaking from personal experience, I invite you to really think about why you want to go to rehab out of the town you live in, or even in another country. Its not a 'bad' thing necessarily, but there are down sides to consider. It is powerful to establish a network of people and/ or meetings in the area in which you live. That way when you get home you aren't alone again, ya know? Its just something to consider. I mean, rehab in Thailand does sound really cool, don't get me wrong. But I just advise you to consider the 'motive' for wanting that. Is it escape? Or is it truly that the best option is in another country. If its the latter than that sounds like a good decision. But I've found that there is no escaping me. And finding me? I'm right here. There's just been times I didn't like the me that was right in front of me. Anyway, I hope that makes some sense.

Hang in there.

Hi WF, I don't envy your situation, it sounds really really difficult. Been there, can't stop, but know I have to.

I have a couple thoughts, one is that I agree with some others that we often try to run away from our problem, but it usually doesn't work. The escape is not really any escape because the underlying problem is still there.

My other thought is that I try to advise people to quit while it is still a choice. For some, the choice to quit is taken away. Either by prison time for something we did while drinking, or by a health condition like a stroke. Those folks can not choose to quit drinking.

If I go out of town, I can say I took a sabbatical. If I stay here, I am not changing anything....sure, staying in a rehab. I can quit the booze on my own, I need a change of environment for my self. Something radical, like Thailand...

You're an adult with an adult problem, if you feel that is your BEST option, and will help you achieve sobriety, then go for it.

I think some of us are just warning you of the possible pitfalls.

You can say you took a sabbatical even if it’s right up the road. I think rehab and being immersed in the learning portion of how to be sober might be a good option if you can’t do it alone.