LightningFarron

Hi, I’m new here. I don’t mean to introduce myself this way, but I am a giant mess right now. Obviously, I am struggling with alcohol abuse, but I’m also dealing with untreated bipolar disorder (long story, can’t get my meds) and financial issues due to not being able to hold a job. I’m facing possible homelessness next month. I literally feel like I cannot function as a person anymore. I feel paranoid and scared all the time and I struggle just to do simple things and take care of myself at this point. Most of my days are spent at home alone drinking. I did try going to the hospital for help, but they literally took my money and told me they can’t do anything for me since I’m not suicidal.

I’m sorry for unleashing all of that onto you guys. I just needed to tell someone how I feel. I don’t expect anyone here to fix me, but I could really use some support. I’m pretty much completely alone right now.

doggonecarl

Sorry to read of your struggles. It must feel overwhelming.

FreeOwl

no need to apologize.... this is exactly why we're here.

your situation sounds like a big time challenge. I've had friends in exactly the same place you are.

I don't know if this applies to you, but one thing I've seen in others' experiences has been a resistance to take advantage of the free programs available to help those in your situation.

It takes a choice, a commitment, a willingness to put up with the process and to take the steps actively - but most often there is SOME option out there.

If you google "free dual diagnosis treatment in PA" you'll find a lot of resources. It takes some focus, dedication, patience and persistence.... but there ARE options.

You can overcome this and you don't need to just keep sliding the downward spiral.

Free2bme888

Welcome to SR

FREE OWL has great advice.

Believe in yourself. You can do this. We will listen 24/7.

We have your back.

What a great start by finding us, come here often

fini

welcome, LF,
sorry you're feeling a giant mess right now, and great you are looking for support. lots of that here.
have you checked out places like Salvation Army? not first choice, i'd guess, but they do offer help. and staying home drinking all day IS suicidal....are you looking to quit?

John65

Hello and welcome

Sorry to hear that.

I have untreatable bipolar so I know how difficult things can be. Alcohol just made things so much worse for me though, really bad, as it does for many with bipolar disorder.

I hope that you're able to get some meds before long.

Good luck,

John

LightningFarron

Thanks for all of the responses. I want to figure things out and move forward in life. I just feel stuck. My anxiety has gotten to a point where I feel terrified to leave my apartment for anything other than alcohol. Even posting here gives me anxiety. It's not that my bipolar disorder is untreatable. It was initially my fault when I lost my last job and basically said f it. I got frustrated, stopped my meds and started drinking again. After about two months of this I realized that this isn't how I wanted to live so I called and made an appointment to get back on my meds. (I am much less likely to drink while medicated) The doctor literally cancelled and rescheduled on me three times due to vacations and seminars, and now I'm being told the earliest I can be seen is November.

My biggest obstacle right now is my fear and anxiety. I was actually supposed to call someone two days ago about a job opportunity, but I was too afraid to do it. I think it's a combination of the substance abuse and bipolar paranoia. I always think the absolute worst is going to happen. I do think talking to people here will give me kind of a voice of reason and talk me out of my delusional fears.

Also, I haven't really considered free resources. I guess that's something to look into. I live in a more rural part of PA so there isn't as much here as there would be in Philly or Pittsburgh, but I guess it's worth a try.

FreeOwl

Sometimes rural is a blessing.... often there are resources available but less crowded or overloaded. See what you can find!

Anna

I'm really sorry for your struggles. This website may help you:

SAMHSA's National Helpline

1-800-662-HELP (4357)
TTY: 1-800-487-4889
https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline

Also known as, the Treatment Referral Routing Service, this Helpline provides 24-hour free and confidential treatment referral and information about mental and/or substance use disorders, prevention, and recovery in English and Spanish.

entropy1964

Yes free resources. I'm sure there are options.

With respect to the meds, ask the dr. to renew your prescriptions to cover you until you apt. I would be really surprised if any responsible psych would not do this.

You aren't alone.

theVman31

Hello,
Welcome.
Sorry to hear about your struggles. The fear and anxiety is accentuated by alcohol as you know.

Your the only one who can fix yourself as you said.
We have all or most of us have been in pretty dark places at some point. I had some trouble with mood bipolar problems and was on valpromide (depamide) for a while. Messing around with meds and alcohol really fecked me up.
I managed to stop both.

You keep your fists up and fight on. Move forward as you say dump the booze keep posting and we are here for support. Definitely don't feel fear or anxiety about posting here.

Hawking22

A big welcome to the family Lightning, and good for you for reaching out! Don't feel bad or ashamed at all, we're glad you're here. Your struggle and situation is not unique. I don't know if you're sincerely considering quitting soon, but I think that would do scores of good for your anxiety and condition. I was diagnosed bipolar as well, and I almost 60 days sober, have gone off one of my medications with fantastic results. The booze may have some calming effects initially with the anxiety, but once you put the bottle down you start to realize how much it was contributing by two fold. You'll save so much money too but not "self-medicating"! I'm confident that if you work toward walking away from the alcohol, slowly (it will seem) but surely, the job situation, the home situation will get better and work itself out. If you can, you can also try and get to a meeting and bring up your situation. I'm sure a lot of people will be empathetic and that's a start.

In the meantime, let us know how we can help! Stay strong!

LightningFarron

Yeah, I'm realizing I need to quit. I know I have other issues, but drinking doesn't ultimately resolve them. I think the first step is the scariest part. I've accepted that I have no control over alcohol. I'm just afraid of life without it. I've used alcohol as a makeshift anxiety medication and the idea of dealing with my fears head on is difficult for me. But I really wouldn't be here if I didn't want to quit.

I do have leftover medication from when I stopped taking it, but it's very dangerous to start bipolar meds without consulting a psychiatrist. Some of the meds I was prescribed have potentially deadly side effects and my body needs to adjust to them slowly.

And I do want to say, despite all of my issues, I'm actually a fairly positive person and am optimistic that things can get better. Like I said, just taking that initial step and committing to quit is so hard. On a side note, I did push myself and make some phone calls. I have two interviews on Friday, which means I'll have to stay sober tomorrow (can't afford a hangover) and Friday. I guess that's a start.

John65

Yep, that's very wise. I know that lithium requires regular bloods when titrating up because of the risk of toxicity and then a little less regularly on going once dose is settled.

Good luck with the interviews

LightningFarron

Welp, this is it. I've decided that today is going to be day 1. I have another nerve wracking job related phone call to make this morning. (Can you tell I have bad phone anxiety?) I went to pour a shot of rum to ease my nerves, but when I looked at the bottle my stomach just turned. I just can't do it anymore.

After my phone call I'm going to work on getting rid of all of the empty bottles hidden in my closet and try to find a way to get back on my medication. I live alone and don't really have much support from friends and family. I don't think AA is right for me either so I'll probably be here a lot.

theVman31

Congratulations on making it Day 1.
Its the most important day.

Jam13

Good for you that you are facing things head on.
Getting rid of reminders (bottles) is a good way to cleanse your place and soul. Pour out all alcohol so it won’t be tempting.
Congrats on making the phone call.
How are you doing today?
I’m on day 5 and slept the best I have all week, had the most energy...so each day it gets easier.
Keep pushing through the fear and anxiety.
I have to tell myself that feelings won’t kill me but alcohol will.
I’ve struggled with mood swings my whole life....it’s a hard life to never know what each day will hold. Who will I meet today? The up, happy, anxious me or the down, doom & gloom no energy me.
So I kinda understand your bipolar and I empathize.
You aren’t alone.
Stay strong LF.

teatreeoil007

This^^^

teatreeoil007

Whoa...November is such a long ways off....any chance you could go to an urgent care place? You could be seen right away.

I think a key component here is that it is of dire importance that you get back on your meds. I think that is a priority; as well as to stop drinking, of course!

As far as your fear and anxiety goes: You've got to somehow find it within yourself to make those important phone calls. It WILL be okay...I have faith in that? And, think about this: What have you got to lose by making a phone call. What is it you are REALLY afraid of? Rejection? Coming across wrong? What is the true fear here? I'm asking these question to try and get you to see what it is that is HOLDING YOU BACK from doing some of these things...

You know, I have found in life that some of my fears just didn't pan out in the end. What I mean by that is the other person on the other end of the phone is very approachable....MORE approachable that you could ever dream of. So, pick up that phone and make those calls. No one is out to hurt you or make you feel like a fool.

I say these things to you and ask you these question to help you see a different viewpoint and help you see more clearly....and, I write this now because I CARE. There are really more caring people in this world than we could ever know.

Also, what have you got to lose by going to a meeting? Maybe AA is not for you. Have you tried it?

You absolutely need to make those calls, get back on your meds, stop drinking, reach out for free services, get out of your house, etc.

I think you will feel better if you take some action; take ssome steps....even if it seems like a small task. Baby steps are A okay!!

We are here for you 24/7. Big hug being sent your way!!

Dee74

it takes a lot of faith to get sober and trust that's the way forward to solving a lot of our problems - but there is a ton of support and understanding there


again, welcome - post as much as you need to - thats why we're here

D