Fearlessat50

We are planning a multiple family vacation at a beach house at the end of summer. Everyone going drinks (except the kids of course). There are a couple moms in our group I suspect have problems controlling their drinking. I am not going to judge and not going to call anyone an alcoholic except for myself. That’s a very personal label. But they clearly have some level of a problem, especially since they’ve talked about wanting to cut down or even quit for good before. Yet every time we get together, they get drunk. One of these moms recently said to me: we have to think of a way to make this fun for you since you are still not drinking. This took me off guard. First, I haven’t drank for nearly two years. Could this person be more clueless? Would I go back to drinking after all this time? Second, we’ve had lots of get togethers over this period where she has seen me not drink and I am still a really fun and cool person. Third, she gets drunk then complains she feels like crap, hungover, doesn’t sleep well, feels fat, etc. how is that fun? I couldn’t think of a good response when she said that to me. So I just said that I actually have more fun when I’m not drinking. This is true. But why do I feel bad that she said this to me? Ugh.

dwtbd

" But why do I feel bad that she said this to me?"

I huge part of our 'being' is emotional. Emotion can be seen as an automatic response , a self built, built-in reaction to things. They tend to operate 'beyond' our control , yeah?
Good news is we can choose to isolate specific emotional reactions and then have some control over our focused reactions to that specific one(s)? ( almost the whole field of psychology comes to mind here )

From my layman, nonprofessional, quasi objective read : it could be from a few things. Maybe feelings about about acceptance or identification of in group/ out group status?
Your AV riffing off the idea that the 'cool kids' ( remnants of our baked in responses to peers developed in the past when younger) have id'ed you as not being part of 'them', not that you want to be what makes them them, just the id, yeah ?
Your AV responding to the idea ( incorrect idea, btw) that you may be mistaken about being fine and comfortably social-able without booze.

Or even not your AV at all, but you seeing/hearing their AV's and just bristling, quite understandably at them.

Could be a lot of things really , still great news is we get to examine that emotional response and even decide after the fact of 'feeling' it , that it could just be flat ou wrong

Objectively I'm sure we Know, they aren't the cool fun kids their AV's keep telling them they are, well into adulthood .

I thought I was way cool and fun well into my forties ( insert giant facepalm here)

ps just saw your signature line, that Frankl person sounds like they may be on to something

Anna

Hmm, that doesn't sound like a supportive friend, and you shouldn't have to explain yourself. Congratulations on 2 years of recovery and good for you for getting out and having fun and enjoying yourself.

DontRemember

A simple "LOL I'm good/I'll be fine" would be all I'd say. Sounds like projection from her about her own labeling of booze=fun,but that's not your problem.

lessgravity

Ha - this pissed me off! It's so clearly a passive-aggro move on her part. Cheesy in its obviousness. Screw her. Sorry but give me a break. If that was an 19 year old I would get it. She knew exactly what she was saying and why.

Good for you for not being a drunk parent like the rest of them.

Atlast9999

I have some friends who make comments like this. Honestly, I think they are clueless twits...lol

Drinking is so important in their lives and I don’t think they can even begin to imagine life without drinking. I think it’s their (warped and misguided) way of keeping me included. I typically let those comments just roll of my back.

Mango212

Somewhere along the line, my Higher Power led me to having different and better relationships with many people in my life. Now He's guiding me in new directions without many of them. Ebb and flow. Trusting the process.

Enjoying life and new directions.

I really like your signature quotes! Have a great time on vacation.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom - Viktor E. Frankl

If you have no other religion, make it gratitude.

Fearlessat50

Thank you! Yes, I do need to look at my signature line every time I post. Everything you said makes sense. The cool kid, idea especially. I came from such a dysfunctional family that I escaped into wanting to fit in so desperately I’d do anything. Drinking was what the cool kids did. I hadn’t even thought much about it until reading your response but I guess I’m still trying to convince myself that I’m cool without booze. Maybe I’m projecting my insecurity about this onto others, who probably haven’t even felt that I was uncool whether drinking or not (not that their opinion should matter). It is interesting to observe that so many drinkers think alcohol is absolutely required in order to have a good time, and can’t understand how anyone could have fun without it.

Fearlessat50

Thank you! Yes, you are right. I spend too much time trying to explain to others. It’s so unnecessary. I have to remember all that matters is that I am being true to myself.

Fearlessat50

I love that response. It’s simple. I’m only accountable to myself and there’s nothing to explain or justify here. I do that too much. I agree with you about the projection too.

Fearlessat50

Yeah, it did make me mad too. All of these 35+ drinking moms act like teenagers! I know, I was one of them straight into my late 40’s! Plus I see them not being present for their kids. Sad.

Fearlessat50

Imagine life without alcohol! Lol. I used to think just like that. So crazy to look back on that and see how much better life is without it!

Fearlessat50

Thank you. I do suspect that some of these relationships will eventually drift apart. I have thought about this before. Made me sad in the beginning but I am ok with it now. Like you, I am moving forward in new and better directions.

gypsytears

Your response that you actually have more fun when not drinking was perfect. And your truth. I suppose when people seem to judge us it causes us to feel bad. Don't let it. She has her own demons in plain sight and probably more you don't know about. Make sure you have activities and an escape if you need it while you're away so that you can enjoy yourself while the other moms are drinking.