Hope1989

I want to start with my shortcomings and/or biggest problems:

1. I've never fully committed to a recovery program.
2. Two or three weeks in the program, I feel better, something triggers my anxiety and I go back to the start.
3. I'm losing it all. The only thing I got left right now, it's my job and my family (which I'm too embarrassed to reach out now).
4. I am an alcoholic I know it. And I also have really bad behavioral issues and a strong OCD (which does not help at all). So it's not really that I don't stop drinking because I'm an ******* or don't want to stop, but there's a lot of more in-depth problems to that.
5. This is killing me and I'm fully aware of it.
6. Every time I drink (because I guess I can't say I relapse if I haven't work the program) it is getting worse. I literally wake up feeling like I'm close to dying.
7. Shame and guilt have pushed me off AA. I've been on and off so many times, I think people think I'm just trolling or using the program as a passing the hangover thing (I truly not).
8. I've been depressed for days now and I don't reach for help anymore. I feel hopeless and I'm isolating myself.

Every day could be the last day. I have so many dreams, so many wishes.... or I used to have them. Please someone point in the right direction. I'm not an everyday drinker, but I drink semi-lethal amounts of alcohol (literally) when I drink.

If you have a similar story or anything, please even message me.

Hope.

Sunflowerlife

Hi there- use this site and you will find the miracle. I got sober with Sober Recovery. When I had an urge to drink, I made a thread asking for HELP. I had to want the help to get to that point. I had to want to resist the urge in order to resist the urge.
Do you want to stop drinking more than you want to drink?

If the answer is yes than the miracle will happen!
Just don't take that first drink. Stay online all day if you have to. Read what others have said- share your feelings as well.
If you like AA but are anxious about going, use the phone meetings. I have been doing OA phone meetings and they are amazing. Plus you can get phone numbers for added support, at the end of each meeting.

If the OCD is a problem, are you working with a professional??
Wishing you the best. You can do this- the desire is there, I can tell. Don't give up on yourself...

Ayers

Hope you are really no different to any of us here. We all suffer from the same problem.

You have tried before - which is more than I can say - but don't despair.
Everyone here will tell you that once you've made the decision to stop, all you have to do is stop. Then get a plan . You know what triggered you to drink again, expect that trigger , and then have a plan how you are going to handle it

For now, today , do not drink > That's all. All the other stuff can be sorted out once you have stopped.

You are in my thoughts. Rooting for you. Stay strong and be good to yourself today

allishope73

Thank you Hope for the post. I was the same. When on binge would drink to oblivien between nothing days. Drinking caused anxiety and more drinking to kill guilt. I also cannot function on alcohol. Just locked at home. So difficult to stop binge. Today was so low that had a thought get beer end it but quickly i drank water and posted here. Another binge will kill me i know and as you i want to live . There is hope life will be better. I m here for you xD

AAPJ

Great post. Some thoughts for your consideration.

Points 1-6 are good because it is apparent that you know you have a problem and you are willing to admit it.

Point 7 is one I see differently. At least in my personal experience with AA when someone who relapses a lot shows up at a meeting I do not think they are trolling. Many alcoholics struggle with getting sober. I realize that alcohol is an addiction and I admire them for showing up. I encourage you to go to a meeting if you think it might help.

While you continue to struggle with sobriety, perhaps you are closer to recovery than you think. Admission of the problem is the first step in recovery. I wish you a good sober day today.

Gottalife

I am a product of AA. My drinking pattern was similar to yours and almost killed me. In the end I wrote out my options. There was only one, AA.

I have never seen anyone who relapsed not made welcome in AA. We are always delighted when you make it back, because we know that people don't always make it back.

But whether you can develop more meaningful ties will depend on how serious and willing you are to commit to the program. AA is a one trick pony. The only solution we have to your problem is the 12 steps, so it is a waste of time looking for alternatives.

There are those within AA who can help you with the program, in fact, it is through helping others that we stay sober ourselves. There is a passage in the big book, read at many meetings. It goes "those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program.

If you cannot or will not, there is not much AA can do. Our book tells us to work only with those who want our solution and are willing to make the effort. So if you are unwilling, I'll say hello and welcome, but I'll be truning my attention to someone who wants what we offer. You can change that instantly by asking someone to show you how to recover, following direction and keeping commitments.

And if you are worried about speaking at meetings, don't be. I didn't utter a sound for the first six weeks. I listened, got a sponsor, and began the steps. When I started getting results with the steps, I found I had something worth saying at the meeting.

You saund like you are at the end of your tether. Perhaps you are in the same boat I was, at the 'Cake or Death" choice. In otherwords carry on under your own steam and face an alcoholic death, or learn to live on a spiritual basis.
Many alcholics respond to this with the question "How bad can an alcoholic death be?" Over to you.

Hawking22

Hope, struggle is not a weakness in the recovery community, it's the story of all of us and one we all know too well. Let us help you. Lean on us. I always stayed away or went ghost when I was actively out too ashamed to admit what I was, thinking I was incurable and that no one would understand, thinking I was disrespecting the people who had made it even 24 hours by even being here, but these fine folks (and everyone in AA too) so graciously remind me that this is where we need to be and one of the only places we should.

The beauty is you know exactly where you're at. SO many people don't even realize the extent of their misery and where they're headed. You do. And you know where you don't want to be. It will happen. There is no one set rule or set of guidelines to this, it's trial and error and struggle and victory. There is beauty in this struggle I'm finally realizing and its a journey worth taking, even on the days filled with utter hopelessness and depression. My binges were a cornerstone in my life, I sought oblivion every time, cause what else is there? I urge you to ask yourself why not just try? When that anxiety or that trigger comes, sit with yourself and be patient and ask yourself, the other road isn't working, what is the harm in trying THIS way? Pop on here, post, talk to us and if possible, get to a meeting and be with your people.

Start opening a dialogue with yourself internally, out loud, journaling, however, and your higher power will find you. Until then, I believe in you and know you can do this <3

entropy1964

Hi Hope

Your struggles mirror mine. And probably many of us here. I think addiction has a strong OCD component to it...or at least mine does.

Your first point is really the most important at this point. Commitment. One can't 'sort of' quit. Its an all in, all out gig.

I admitted I was alcoholic for a long time. That wasn't the solution. Complete and absolute surrender to the fact that if I take a drink, I lose all control. Period. I'm dangerous. I'm childish. I'm insane. I don't have a right to be that way. I have a moral obligation to myself, my child and society to be a safe and mature member of the community. For me that is one of the major reasons I quit. And alcohol doesn't work. Its a lie. It provides none of the BS I tried to prove that it provided....over and over. It sounds to me like you're at a cross roads.

I know also that there is a lower bottom as long as I'm breathing. You don't have to ever feel the way you do now, again. I say that to myself a lot...especially with respect to guilt and shame. I don't ever have to behave in ways, do things, say things, engage in behaviors that create shame again. Provided I don't drink, no matter what happens.

Hope1989

Thank you very much to those who took the time to answer.

It is very hard for me, especially with the uncertainty of might happen these upcoming weeks to actually feel better at the moment.

However, I do want to know what can I do differently so maybe, just maybe, this time will work out. I've had this problem for such a long time, it's really exahusting.

DontRemember

What might happen, that you're uncertain of?

Branches

Dear Hope1989,

I'm so glad you found your way here. Despite what alcohol does to our minds - the cravings, the anxiety, the depression, the hopelessness (Good Lord, we are/were soaking our brains in vinegar and ethyl alcohol, to be blunt. No wonder we feel like cr*p), there is a very true, very brave part of you in there, your real self, that is waving the SOS flag and motivating you to seek help. So all is not lost. You actually do have yourself, way deep inside.
The reason there are AA slogans like One Day at a Time is because at the beginning to think long-term is overwhelming. Don't. Say to yourself, "Just for this hour, just for this minute, just for today I CAN not drink."
You have admitted you are an alcoholic. Congratulations. That's a big step. You're being truthful with yourself and us. Now, that that's out of the way, the process can begin. You say you are looking for a miracle. I will leave you with this quote:
"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, a chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth . . . that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never have otherwise occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of . . . assistance which no man could have dreamed would come his way." Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Just for today, make that commitment to yourself, all day. And when you wake up tomorrow, do the same thing. There are many wonderful people on this site that have been where you are and are now , by their own admission, living peaceful, fulfilling, interesting, joyful lives. You can be one of them. At a certain point, all of us came to the conclusion that alcohol was more trouble than it was worth. I think you have too. Good luck to you and keep posting!

ScottFromWI

What you can do is unconditionally accept that drinking any amount of alcohol is never an option without bad consequences. And also I accept that picking up the first drink ( or not ) is purely a choice that you make. Having a recovery plan is a great idea and utilizing any support you can find is also helpful. But at the end of the day it all starts with a committment and a choice by you. And you can make that choice right now, this very moment, if you want to.

Verdantia

Welcome, Hope. I am very glad that you are here. SR has been a vital part of my getting and staying sober. There are good people here who understand what you are going through and want to help. I hope you stick around, read and post often.
I have OCD and other mental health issues and I (like many others here) used alcohol as self-medication. I get the depression and isolation--it's terrible, but drinking only makes it much worse.
I don't currently attend AA but it was a great help to me in early sobriety; I believe you should give them another go--don't let your guilt and shame keep you away--the people there really do want to help and I am sure they don't think you're trolling.
I have relapsed many times and I never thought I would succeed. I was near death as well but I had a spark of hope that hadn't yet been extinguished by a torrent of alcohol. I kept moving forward--and oh how I get 'one day at a time'--I needed inpatient rehab, although I was very resistant to the idea. I realized I had to do things that were out of my comfort zone in order to succeed. Now I come to SR at least several times a day, have an excellent therapist and do lots of volunteer work in my community. I'm preparing to go back to school and study social work. I have been sober for 2 years, 8 months and every aspect of my life is much, much better. Things aren't perfect but they are good, and that is enough.
I wish you all the best on your sober journey. You can do this!

Gerard52

The only requirement for AA is a desire to stop drinking. Forget what you think people think, it doesn't matter.

Dee74

how are things Hope?

D