tracer

It would be great to have a love addiction section for this forum.

spiderqueen

Hi tracer

You might want to check out Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous online at www.slaafws.org

I hope you start feeling better soon.

Dee74

Hi Tracer - the usual thing is you start a thread and then if that takes we'll consider the logistics of a forum
D

Anna

Tracer, feel free to post about your love addiction here in Newcomers.

tracer

I have been to slaa website and found most slaa meetings have to do with sex addictions and acting out sexually. I know there must be other people out there like me who obsess greatly over a person when a relationship ends. I go thru very serious emotional withdrawal which is triggered by childhood abandonment issues. I have a hard time finding people in SLAA who I can relate to as they are mostly relationship addicts or sex addicts. I dont mind being single, in fact I am happier when single due to the struggle I have dating. I spend years and years alone and then when I feel like I should be dating I find someone who is unavailable and when they cant commit for whatever reason I obsess and try to do anything to get them back. It doesnt matter if they are good for me or not I will do just about anything to not be abandoned. The person who I am addicted to is not addicted back, the relationships never make it to the codependency stage, its just me obsessing over someone who at first seemed to really like me but is no longer interested. I'd just like to find some others who can relate with me. I am working with a therapist and attending coda meetings but I need people in my life who understand what I am going through.

Anna

Abandonment issues are really hard to deal with. I think it's good that you are talking to a therapist, who can hopefully guide you through these issues.

It sounds like you are trying to fill up yourself with something outside of you. It's wonderful to have someone fall in love with you, but you need to love yourself first and foremost.

tracer

thats the hard part !

Anna

It is the hard part, for sure. You could start by making a list of three things that you like about yourself. Spend some time sitting with yourself quietly. Positive affirmations can really help, too. Louise Hay is a great place to find those.

Andante

Emotional pain over a failed romance is its own genre for sure, but strip away the romance and sentimentality, and, like alcoholism, in a certain sense it all boils down to neural pathways and receptors.

I’ve noticed a lot of similarities between the difficulty in getting over my failed romances and the difficulty in getting over my alcoholism, and I don’t think it’s entirely coincidental. It’s a gross oversimplification, but in both cases, you have a response to a stimulus which becomes exaggerated and ingrained over time, and it takes tremendous effort to overcome that ingrained response.

The standard advice for getting over a failed romance isn’t that different from the standard template for alcoholism recovery: make a decision not to indulge thoughts of the person no matter what, and immerse yourself in new, healthier pursuits that will replace the romance in your mind.

Like alcoholism recovery, the program for getting over a failed romance involves two fundamental steps (which can be modified or amplified upon to suit the individual):

1) Reach a point where you WANT to get over the person (i.e., WANT to be sober) more than you want to be in a romance with that person (i.e., get drunk).

2) Be willing to do whatever it takes to “pave over” the old neural pathways that lead to romantic feelings about the person (i.e., that lead to getting drunk), and make a plan for a program of action to replace those old neural pathways with new, healthier ones.

So, what’s your plan?

SnazzyDresser

Robert Palmer warned us about this years ago, but we didn't want to face it.

teatreeoil007

Tracer-One of the things that helps me not become addicted to people is to remind myself that human relationships are finite. They're limited. They only last so long. The people we are in relationship with either die eventually, go away, or for whatever reason can't be in relationship with us in the physical realm. Reasons for that vary of course.

You don't mind being single. I think that goes in the "PRO" column! As Anna said, the relationship with your SELF is of primary importance. I may sound jaded, but there are not all that many people who really love their self. And something else: We tend to assume people who love their self are "egomaniacs" and "too full of their selves".... I think that is an unfair assessment.

If you feel you are having trouble loving yourself ask yourself what kinds of messages you were given in childhood about self love, for starters. Also, ask yourself when you look into a "mirror" if you are seeing yourself accurately or not. Many folks do not see themselves accurately. Their self esteem suffers as a result.

Outonthetiles

I loved that guy!

tracer

Thanks for the support I am struggling today, want to call or text her. She is not good for me as she is using drugs daily, claims it helps her. I really wanted to be dating someone this summer. It's been a very long time since I have dated, and this situation never even got off the ground. I really fell for her and it seemed like she fell for me too but chose her addiction over our getting to know each other in a romantic way. She wanted to be friends but I had gotten my hopes up and got a bit addicted so I've had to go NC with her. She hasn't reached out at all to me I'm just wondering how she is doing. We did talk a bit about addiction when the dates ended but she seemed to not want to stop using so I didn't offer her any help. I do hope she will call if she decides to stop with the drug but I don't think she will

teatreeoil007

tracer-That's sad. Your ex (?) girlfriend is the pot head? I think I remember reading something about that on the friends and family forum. I don't see any way around it if she is not inclined to quit. You're in recovery as well? So, you know it has to come from the person.

As far as recovering from "love addiction" I suppose it would be similar to other types of addiction. For some people it's food, or gambling or even computers/internet. Addiction is addiction.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

One area you can perhaps focus on is learning to love yourself as you deserve to be loved. This is independent of any other type of love....this love for yourself .... and I feel it's highly important. I also believe that people tend to turn to substances when they don't feel loved and lovable. Time to engage in some positive self dialogue. .. and try to steer clear of fatalistic thinking.

With fatalistic thinking people start to believe they are not WORTHY of the kind of love they might like to have..and they buy into all sorts of notions that tell them they don't deserve good, fulfilling love!! It's sort of like an obese person thinking they will always be obese, and therefore why bother with anything else.

So, changing our internal dialogue....that's not always easy to do when we may have heard for a long time something different than positive things..

Dee74

for a long time (like my twenties into my forties) I felt anybody was better than nobody...so I'd grow these attachments to women who for one reason or another were either unavailable/attached or clearly unsuitable for me.

Any little flirt any little bit of attention had me mentally racing down the aisle

I was terrified of being alone in my own company...and I was looking for someone to complete me - and of course I see now thats futile because noone can do that but me.

None of those reasons are good ones for starting or staying in a relationship.

Eventually I got myself into a really bad abusive relationship and that kinda put me off dating for a long time.

I'm not saying I'm glad I had to go through that but in a weird way it was freeing...

once I got sober (a few years later) I was able to spend time with the real me - I began to feel complete in myself and the idea of having to have someone there became less of a necessity for me.

Of course then I met my current partner - funny how those things work out when we stop looking

D

trailmix

If you don't, have you tried? I think when a person first approaches this it can seem really foreign. We get to used to thinking, I am who I am and that's - who I am. Who sits and thinks about it?

Well some do and we should when it needs bolstering or healing.

When is the last time you did something nice for yourself? When is the last time you thought something nice about yourself. When you catch a look at yourself in the mirror, what is your go-to comment in your head?

Now, this all seems pretty love-yourself-101, I know, but the fact is these thing make a HUGE difference, it's not that hard and honestly it starts to have a positive effect almost right away.

People always say - hey, talk nice to yourself. Have you tried?

Also, you sound kind of lonely, have you reached out anywhere to make friends? Do you go to 12 step meetings or any other kind of recovery meetings? I ask because they can also be about friendship and fellowship, not just about staying sober.

You mention you have a therapist, what tools have they given you to help? Are they helping?