anewlife4jen

I am thankful for my family, life, and job! But I have a shadow lingering over me that won't go away. I have always been depressed, but after children and marriage its like I didn't know how to manage my life anymore. I am sort of an introvert and my husband is definitely an extrovert. After third child, I feel as everything was going to hell. He worked all day. I took care of house and children. Husband being an extrovert, couldn't stand the "domestic" life. He began going over to friends, neighbors and pretty much living everywhere but home! I became angry and more depressed. Tried getting help from Drs, counselors etc. Nothing was working until I found tequila. At firsr, it was weekends. Then a couple during the week. Every other day was happening, which ended as everyday! Oddly enough I forced myself to only drink after 5pm. I've had many blackouts, dangerous ones to where I was so used to my routines that the next day I would only remember bits and pieces of the night before giving my baby a bath and/or putting other kids in bed to physical fights with husband. I was drinking so much to drown any pain I had. Sometimes, Drinking 2liters in one night and puking my brains out the next day all day. Couldn't even drink water without throwing it up! I started with dark liquor but now pretty much only drink vodka. I have drank 2liters and always counted my lucky stars when I awoke the next morning. I knew I had a problem when I started to attack my 14 yr old daughter. She was at the age of being a "miss know it all"! When I drank that didn't go so well with me. Husband didn't do anything because he was probably glad I wasn't attacking him. I have tried to quit several times but I guess the stress gets the best of me and not mention I have real bad anxieties. I started to notice I could easily go without a drink if we went on vacation or at someone's house or even out to dinner. But at home, just couldn't say "no"! I eventually went to a liter and then a pint. I am trying to get to half pint but its so hard once you get the alcohol in you. I want to quit so bad but its just so much of a routine to start drinking after 5pm. I want to get help but I am embarrassed, scared, ashamed and feel like I can do it on my own or some days I just simply don't want to quit. I love the feeling of not knowing or caring about what is going on, but soon as I wake up in the morning, I absolutely hate myself for being so weak!

Dee74

Hi and welcome back Jen - I think support can really help us turn things around - why not join our Class of August support thread?

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-two-9.html

Meraviglioso

Hi and welcome to you. That sounds like a miserable situation, and I know because I have been there. I am a single mother to two kids and I too would begin drinking in the evening hours to escape and relieve the stress. This eventually progressed to drinking all day, every day. I was not the mother or person I wanted to be so I quit.

Would you consider rehab? Most people balk at the idea initially. However, I suggest it because it sounds like you are completely overwhelmed and unhappy. Going to rehab would give you a month off from everything to concentrate only on yourself- your mental health, your marital an family problems, and your alcoholism. I had a great experience in rehab and it is what finally got me on the road to sobriety.

Berrybean

Welcome back.

I remember feeling just as you do right now. Wanting to get help but being embarrassed, scared, and ashamed to reach out. You dont need to do this on your own - Many of us just cannot do it alone. I was one of them. The relief I felt getting to some AA meetings and finding that there were so many others who felt and thought as I do, and always have done (from before I even found alcohol). The good news is that we don't have to be alone any more.

I remember also that inner battle, of wanting the insanity to stop (and the consequences - definitely the consequences!) But at the same time having another part of me that simply didn't want to quit, because like you,. I loved the feeling of not knowing or caring about what is going on! SAA describe that feeling as being 'in the bubble' (it's worth a Google to read their description of that part of addiction). The thing is, while that was the onky way I'd found for dealing with life (which I found difficult and painfully demanding) and my emotions, it's no wonder I clung to it as if it was my life support, even though in reality it was just dragging me down further into the mire as time went on. Recovery is the key thing here, because it's the recovery work we do that helps us to learn new and better ways of dealing with life and people and emotions. In fact, the AA 12-step recovery program (which is now used for all kinds of other things as well as alcoholism) only even mentions alcohol in the first of the twelve steps. All the others are geared up to self-knowledge, understanding, accpetance and love, and learning how to deal with life differently.

You first came here in 2014. Over four years ago. I'm presuming that things have got stealthily worse since then, just because that's what happens when we self-medicate with alcohol. The good news is that we can change, and there are people here, and where you live, who can help you. Who understand how you feel, and can support you as you learn to navigate sobriety. But that isn't to say there is an easy or painless way to get through the first few months. If there was such a thing then we'd have found it and be shouting it from the rooftops.

I really hope that you will give yourself the gift of sobriety and work on recovery, so that you can find inner peace, and be free from alcohol.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery, if that's what you choose at this point.

BB

Dejvice

Hi. Maybe you could try changing your routine at 5 or 6pm this evening. I suggest going for a walk / run / jog.

Exactly like you (and many other good people here) I really wanted to be sober, stop drinking, could feel it inside me but just couldn't take or make the step (again). But I really didn't want to see my life in 5 years time and how it would be. In 5 years time your daughter will be 19, imagine what your life will be like if you still continue drinking till that time? How will your relationship with your family develop over the next 5 years if you continue drinking.

Check in to SR each time you need it and just read, you are not alone.

So go on change the routine about 5 or 6pm. Go for a walk / run / jog. Do it for yourself and change the direction. You will be glad you did it.

Wish you the best.

Gerard52

Hi Jen you have a lot going on there and must feel terribly trapped. Not just alcohol but also your relationship with with your husband and family. There is much to unravel and to either fix or change.

The first priority is to get yourself sober as I am sure you know. So for time being put 100% energy into to getting some sober time. I would recommend you go to AA at least to begin with.

There is nothing that can't be changed and you can make a happy life for yourself.

All the best and take care.

mns1

One drink is too many and a thousand is never enough Jen

I also had a deeply ingrained pattern of coming home and cracking open the bottle. And once I started, there was no 1 or 2. It was drink until I passed out.

The more you repeat the patter the stronger it becomes, the sooner you break it, the weaker it becomes over time. And it’s so worth breaking it.

You’ve come to a great place to help you do just that

Rar

Hi Jen - Glad to see you. We understand. You're not alone.

Nonsensical

I didn't love it, but I preferred it to feeling my feelings.
To be happy sober I had to be willing to feel my feelings. It was quite an unnatural act for me, as I'd avoided them for so long.

I'm pretty good at it now, though. SO I glad I made that choice to become sober and figure it out. I highly recommend it.

Rootin' for ya!