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What techniques do you use to deal with daily resentment

Old 08-17-2018, 10:50 AM
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What techniques do you use to deal with daily resentment

This is probably directed to those following AA steps. Often when going about daily life I encounter situations I perceive as an offence, real and imagined for me.

I am going around mindful of my emotions and constantly reminding my self to be in a calm and be positive state. Mostly when one of these negative impulses hits, I am on it. Though that doesn't stop the rush of negative emotion and it is easy to find yourself wrapped in it, even if just for a minute. Has anybody managed to stop that happening?
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Old 08-17-2018, 11:09 AM
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I am a believer that time heals all wounds. I was able to forgive myself over time for my misdeeds.

That being said, sobriety has brought some new resentments that go back many years and they are resentments that I feel justified in. I am considering therapy. Anyone reading this who has experience that, I would appreciate any input.
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Old 08-17-2018, 11:13 AM
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Writing a letter where you forgive yourself helps me. Same for perceived wrongs by others. I forgive them knowing karma is a b#@ch. I leave it to God. A daily gratitude list or at least weekly helps keep me grounded.
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Old 08-17-2018, 11:16 AM
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self talk....if I get cross, who would give a crap/would it make a diff? I also shout at 'god' a lot.
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Old 08-17-2018, 11:24 AM
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Not sure why it need be an AA question, pretty universal stuff.

Have you ever used Urge Surfing as a technique for alcohol cravings/urges? I find the same technique works for negative emotions as well, be they towards others, myself or life.
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Old 08-17-2018, 12:02 PM
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One thing that helped me quite a lot was to understand that every time I was angry or resentful I had an unmet expectation. I realized that my anger was not just about what others had done but involved something about me as well.
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Old 08-17-2018, 12:05 PM
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I use the ABC tool and meta meditation (love and kindness meditation).
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Old 08-17-2018, 12:13 PM
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I like "Hanlon's Razor":
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
it is somewhat grandiose to assume that people are going out of their way to inconvenience me. in any case, carrying a resentment only harms me; the perpetrator is usually oblivious & goes on their merry way unaffected. I don't see much point in giving other people free space in my head.
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Old 08-17-2018, 12:25 PM
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Agree with Awuh. The common denominator to all my resentments is me. Every last one of them comes from an unmet expectation on my part. I deserve, I need, why doesn't, etc etc ad nauseum. Resentments are rooted in ego and fear. They can be a real bitc* to get a handle on. Takes practice and patience. I still struggle with it quite a bit. What works for me most often is to remind myself that I'm not omnipotent. I'm stuck in space and time and I can't see beyond my limitations, which in and of itself makes my perceptions of most situations dubious at best.
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Old 08-17-2018, 02:01 PM
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Originally Posted by MantaLady View Post
I use the ABC tool and meta meditation (love and kindness meditation).
What is ABC tool?
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Old 08-17-2018, 02:02 PM
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Originally Posted by lessgravity View Post
Not sure why it need be an AA question, pretty universal stuff.

Have you ever used Urge Surfing as a technique for alcohol cravings/urges? I find the same technique works for negative emotions as well, be they towards others, myself or life.
Thanks what is urge surfing.
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Old 08-17-2018, 02:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Gerard52 View Post
Thanks what is urge surfing.
As per the estimable Dee:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...e-surfing.html (Urge Surfing)

A life saver for me.
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Old 08-17-2018, 02:33 PM
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it's not that anyone gets far enough along in sobriety and then POOF no longer harbors any resentment or anger or frustration. it's about learning to have those feelings, ANY feelings, and not go racing out the door, or jump out the window in REACTION to them.

having a resentment is normal, it doesn't make us BAD automatically. what we then DO with it matters.
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Old 08-17-2018, 03:45 PM
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Other than keep a gratitude journal, be more compassionate toward myself (since a lot of my anger is directed at myself, and compassionate toward others who make me angry (because I feel a lot of these folks are struggling with something deep themselves), I haven’t really cracked the code on this. I still get angry a lot. I am impatient, easily frustrated and have high expectations (of myself and others). But writing this out does help me realize I’ve made progress I am going to check out that Urge Surfing.
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Old 08-17-2018, 03:50 PM
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I read ppl 84-88 and 417-418 of the BB each morning as party of my recovery work. In addition to asking and answering the step 10 inventory questions, pp 417-418 really help me with th concept of ego, and the thought process of when I am disturbed by a person, place, thing or situation I need to look at how the problem is me and my perspective and selfishness.

To the person who asked about why the AA reference, AA puts resentments as fatal for the alcoholic. That is why the program puts so much emphasis on completing a thorough step four.
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Old 08-17-2018, 03:54 PM
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Practice gratitude every day.
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Old 08-17-2018, 04:09 PM
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Gerard, a specific technique that my husband and I often use is called "flipping it." An example would be when someone upsets me, or I'm resentful of something they did, instead of going to the common "why are the doing this to me?" And flip it to "what is going on to causetem to act like this..? Countless was this technique can be used and become a common habit to get us out of ourselves.
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Old 08-17-2018, 04:43 PM
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I don the have daily resentment but do have daily anger/irritation if something doesn’t go MY WAY. Often I just say the F word outloud a few times. Then the anger passes instead of turning into a resentment.
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Old 08-17-2018, 05:57 PM
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Some great ideas here - I'd concur with the idea that resentment usually boils down to my unmet expectations - also embarrassment, fear and envy.

Some things I do, not mentioned yet - will it matter in a week, a month, a year, 10 years, 50 years.

Eventually you get a point where no is the answer. Helps me to let it go.

The other thing is old fashioned but... prayer.
Genuinely pray for those you have a resentment with, pray for forgiveness

Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......”

The Shack by William Paul Young.
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Old 08-17-2018, 06:04 PM
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Awuh and Dee bring up the very important word expectations.

Imposing them on others, wanting to control outcomes, expecting that others will want, do, etc what we want....these are futile most of the time, and certainly cost us peace and the ability to be grateful for what we do have, how things do happen in our lives.

Learning about boundaries and standards- for my own behavior- and not imposing my expectations (i.e. What I want or think is right) on others helps me stay away from things like resentment, which can easily build if I focus on the wrong things.
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