Day 44; started my 4th Step
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: California
Posts: 182
Day 44; started my 4th Step
Good day, SR -
I awoke from a soul crushing dream this morning, started praying and journaling, and consequently decided to start my fourth step. This is usually relapse city for me but I am making myself slow to a halt and take this elephant one bite at a time.
I knew this recovery journey would be hard. Did I know the extent of how exhausting this continuous inner battle would be? No. Am I surprised? Also no. I know that peeling back each of these layers is going to be a process. I'm praying for strength, patience and grace at the moment, as well as acceptance of the things I cannot control. I know I've been hurt and have some valid resentments, deep rooted fears, etc. But did I game, set, match strike back? Oh hell yeah, and I accept that as well. The not knowing what's in store for me, where I'll end up and how to make it through minute at a time is killing me.
How would you navigate through these waters?
I awoke from a soul crushing dream this morning, started praying and journaling, and consequently decided to start my fourth step. This is usually relapse city for me but I am making myself slow to a halt and take this elephant one bite at a time.
I knew this recovery journey would be hard. Did I know the extent of how exhausting this continuous inner battle would be? No. Am I surprised? Also no. I know that peeling back each of these layers is going to be a process. I'm praying for strength, patience and grace at the moment, as well as acceptance of the things I cannot control. I know I've been hurt and have some valid resentments, deep rooted fears, etc. But did I game, set, match strike back? Oh hell yeah, and I accept that as well. The not knowing what's in store for me, where I'll end up and how to make it through minute at a time is killing me.
How would you navigate through these waters?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Well, I'd suggest you just do as your sponsor suggests re getting that step 4 inventory done, keep praying, and maybe add in a little meditation as well to try and give you a rest from all that stuff that your mind will be dredging up. I find just a quick, 5 minute exercise of 'watching' for my thoughts (like a cat outside a mouse hole) is helpful.
We all tend to have some 'justified' resentments that we've been carrying around. Often they're the ones that have tired us out the most or the years. I certainly had some that justified, and I was entitled to carry them around as long as I liked. But they were a burden that only dragbed ME down, not the people who hurt me. (Like the saying about holding a resentment against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die). My resentments don't touch them, they just kept me in that state of hurt for a long time. I literally replayed and replayed (re-sent and re-sent) my memories, making myself more and more sad, fearful and angry. Not a good way to choose to be. Besides, personally when I'd completed my own list of harms that I wanted to move on from it sure made it easier to be a little philosophical about the ways in which others had hurt me.
It is scary, but I'm yet to find anyone who regretted doing that work. For me it was like I'd slapped loads of elastoplasts over a wound , and each time the pus seeped through I'd slapped another on on. A lot of those elastoplasts took the form of drinking or acting out after drinking, and were far from healing. Step 4 and 5 for me were like carefully taking those old plasters off and finally cleaning the wounds underneath so they could start to heal properly. Some of the things that I addressed initially through my step work have led me to seek more specific professional counselling, as it helped me be able to talk honestly about events, my feelings, and my own actions and reactions which I wasn't capable of doing before.
Yes, those waters can look treacherous. But you're not navigating this alone. Stay in the middle of the life raft. Let others help you. Trust your HP and keep talking to him / her / it, and the same for your sponsor, friends in the fellowship, and folk on here.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery.
BB
We all tend to have some 'justified' resentments that we've been carrying around. Often they're the ones that have tired us out the most or the years. I certainly had some that justified, and I was entitled to carry them around as long as I liked. But they were a burden that only dragbed ME down, not the people who hurt me. (Like the saying about holding a resentment against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die). My resentments don't touch them, they just kept me in that state of hurt for a long time. I literally replayed and replayed (re-sent and re-sent) my memories, making myself more and more sad, fearful and angry. Not a good way to choose to be. Besides, personally when I'd completed my own list of harms that I wanted to move on from it sure made it easier to be a little philosophical about the ways in which others had hurt me.
It is scary, but I'm yet to find anyone who regretted doing that work. For me it was like I'd slapped loads of elastoplasts over a wound , and each time the pus seeped through I'd slapped another on on. A lot of those elastoplasts took the form of drinking or acting out after drinking, and were far from healing. Step 4 and 5 for me were like carefully taking those old plasters off and finally cleaning the wounds underneath so they could start to heal properly. Some of the things that I addressed initially through my step work have led me to seek more specific professional counselling, as it helped me be able to talk honestly about events, my feelings, and my own actions and reactions which I wasn't capable of doing before.
Yes, those waters can look treacherous. But you're not navigating this alone. Stay in the middle of the life raft. Let others help you. Trust your HP and keep talking to him / her / it, and the same for your sponsor, friends in the fellowship, and folk on here.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery.
BB
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
I tried wherever possible to simplify my task - today all I need to do is not drink.
Some days thats easy and some days I remember it being a little harder...but thats the base line Hawking - everything else follows from that
D.
Some days thats easy and some days I remember it being a little harder...but thats the base line Hawking - everything else follows from that
D.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Great job on recognizing past struggles with his important step. I echo what Berrybean said so eloquently.
I had a large problem with stewing and rehashing, if you will. My sponsor directed me to be thorough like the BB tells us, yet also not to get stuck. To realize I needed to be rigorously honest yet not expect to get every single issue out at once. More will come.
As the program says, progress not perf cation. You can do this.
I had a large problem with stewing and rehashing, if you will. My sponsor directed me to be thorough like the BB tells us, yet also not to get stuck. To realize I needed to be rigorously honest yet not expect to get every single issue out at once. More will come.
As the program says, progress not perf cation. You can do this.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Why even do a fouth step? I did mine for two reasons. Firstly because I saw that the majority of AA relapses occured to people who had not got to this step, and I didn't want to drink again.
The second was undertanding the issues covered in the first three steps. Anyone who fully understands step one, the problem as in what it means to be alcoholic would have the rest of the steps done yesterday.
Step two outlines the AA solution. Lack of Power was the dilemna, so getting some power is the solution. Step 3 goes into great detail about why we need this Power. Mainly to help rid us of the selfishness that will kill us. It seems on past experience, we alcoholics haven;t had much luck getting rid of selfishness on our own. So instead of continuing to run our own lives, we appoint a new manager who will give us what we need to live a less selfish and therefore happier existence. That is the third step decision.
Next we have to begin to clear away the blockages that prevent the Power from flowing, so we start by taking a good look at ourselves to discover what it is that has been blocking us from the sunlight of the spirit. In later steps we take action to remove the blockages, the Power begins to flow and the drink problem is removed. This is what is promised in the big book, and is exactly what happened with me.
How you do it is up to you. People don't relapse because they got their columns mixed up, the relapse because they never took the step at all.
It is an ongoing process. The book suggests we go for the big and current stuff first. Whatever is keeping you awake at night. "We have put our finger on some of our major handicaps" I think is how it is put.
You can knock yourself out with a never ending epic saga novel if you wish, but, IME, short and to the point does the job just as well if not better.
I work with my sponsees on their first attempt at step four. It never takes more than an hour or two to get at the really important stuff, if you are following the book.
The biggest advice is that step four is the first real work of the program. Once you start, keep going through the rest of the steps. In a few weeks you can be into step nine and you will be amazed at what has happened. Don't go slow, don't delay. By the time I got to 90 days, my life had changed forever.
Good luck.
The second was undertanding the issues covered in the first three steps. Anyone who fully understands step one, the problem as in what it means to be alcoholic would have the rest of the steps done yesterday.
Step two outlines the AA solution. Lack of Power was the dilemna, so getting some power is the solution. Step 3 goes into great detail about why we need this Power. Mainly to help rid us of the selfishness that will kill us. It seems on past experience, we alcoholics haven;t had much luck getting rid of selfishness on our own. So instead of continuing to run our own lives, we appoint a new manager who will give us what we need to live a less selfish and therefore happier existence. That is the third step decision.
Next we have to begin to clear away the blockages that prevent the Power from flowing, so we start by taking a good look at ourselves to discover what it is that has been blocking us from the sunlight of the spirit. In later steps we take action to remove the blockages, the Power begins to flow and the drink problem is removed. This is what is promised in the big book, and is exactly what happened with me.
How you do it is up to you. People don't relapse because they got their columns mixed up, the relapse because they never took the step at all.
It is an ongoing process. The book suggests we go for the big and current stuff first. Whatever is keeping you awake at night. "We have put our finger on some of our major handicaps" I think is how it is put.
You can knock yourself out with a never ending epic saga novel if you wish, but, IME, short and to the point does the job just as well if not better.
I work with my sponsees on their first attempt at step four. It never takes more than an hour or two to get at the really important stuff, if you are following the book.
The biggest advice is that step four is the first real work of the program. Once you start, keep going through the rest of the steps. In a few weeks you can be into step nine and you will be amazed at what has happened. Don't go slow, don't delay. By the time I got to 90 days, my life had changed forever.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
i navigated by following the book and conversing with my sponsor and just keeping on doing it, kept going, though a bit too slowly at times ( partly because of dreading getting to step nine, but by the time i got to nine i was ready and not dreading).
there were a few times my sponsor diverged from how i saw the book laying it out, so we conversed more, and i kept following the book
to thine own self be true while doing it.
there were a few times my sponsor diverged from how i saw the book laying it out, so we conversed more, and i kept following the book
to thine own self be true while doing it.
NA Member - Atheist
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Middletown CT USA
Posts: 770
Originally Posted by Hawking22 
How would you navigate through these waters?
How would I navigate these waters? ~ I'd slow down, stop making decisions by myself & strap in for the long haul of recovery.
12-step program or other method, the process of recovery takes time. Six years in I still find things that overwhelm me & I seek guidance on them rather than trying to navigate them by myself.
The allure of an "instant fix" and "lets get this over with so I can be recovered and all better" is one i can identify with. I think we all can. ~ Let's face it, when we were getting loaded it was a quick fix for the discomfort of life & our emotions.
That's not how recovery works.
Step one is a very good place to start.
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