Why do I keep torturing myself!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 12
Why do I keep torturing myself!
i want to start by saying, I have been reading constantly and so many stories have touched my heart, I've cried for so many of you, but learnt so much at the same time about addiction.
I have gone no contact with the addict in my life, we haven't spoken for 10 months. I hear bits and pieces from a mutual friend and just maybe that's where I'm going wrong.
He is my childhood sweetheart, he contacted me out of the blue November 2016, after 18 years apart. I knew he'd had a life of drugs and crime. We didn't get into a relationship but some how without realising it, I kind of fell in love with him again. He was supposed to go to rehab but ended up going to prison for 8 months...
Within a week of leaving prison he's back on crack and herion, and now living in a tent with his junkie girlfriend. It's ridiculous because I go from being absolutely disgusted with everything's he's become and everything he is.. He had 8 months of being clean and went straight back to drugs, I know I clearly need to except that he doesn't want to change, but at the same time, I just miss him so much, we would talk for hrs. Im constantly worrying about him even after no contact. Im frightened about getting that news that he has passed on, because I know he's lost to drugs and Im just lost to my own insanity at this point.
Hope some of this makes sense to someone.
I have gone no contact with the addict in my life, we haven't spoken for 10 months. I hear bits and pieces from a mutual friend and just maybe that's where I'm going wrong.
He is my childhood sweetheart, he contacted me out of the blue November 2016, after 18 years apart. I knew he'd had a life of drugs and crime. We didn't get into a relationship but some how without realising it, I kind of fell in love with him again. He was supposed to go to rehab but ended up going to prison for 8 months...
Within a week of leaving prison he's back on crack and herion, and now living in a tent with his junkie girlfriend. It's ridiculous because I go from being absolutely disgusted with everything's he's become and everything he is.. He had 8 months of being clean and went straight back to drugs, I know I clearly need to except that he doesn't want to change, but at the same time, I just miss him so much, we would talk for hrs. Im constantly worrying about him even after no contact. Im frightened about getting that news that he has passed on, because I know he's lost to drugs and Im just lost to my own insanity at this point.
Hope some of this makes sense to someone.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome to the family. 
What you're saying makes sense but what he's doing doesn't. An addict's first love is for the drug. I hope you can accept that he's not wanting sobriety and move on from him. The choices he makes are up to him. Best to focus on your own life since that's the only thing you can control.
What you're saying makes sense but what he's doing doesn't. An addict's first love is for the drug. I hope you can accept that he's not wanting sobriety and move on from him. The choices he makes are up to him. Best to focus on your own life since that's the only thing you can control. 
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