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Your morning routine?

Old 08-15-2018, 05:44 AM
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Are you still drinking?
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Old 08-15-2018, 07:10 AM
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Originally Posted by lessgravity View Post
Are you still drinking?
No no! No way! But I live in perpetual fear of relapse, to the point of terror. I had 9 months sober when I got my DUI. I used to be an all day, daily drinker but a few years ago, after rehab, I became a serial relapser. I make it six or four or eight or nine months and then go on a two to three day binge and then quit again. I am ready to cut out these periodic mini binges out because they are always extraordinarily destructive, even if the consequences are emotional.

I suppose that that may be part of my morning anxiety as well, I wake up terrified that today may be the day that I lose my f’ing mind and decide to drink.

It is so weird how scared I am of relapse and how despite this, I do it again, anyway.
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Old 08-15-2018, 07:42 AM
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I am so sorry you are struggling. Maybe you are over complicating it. Before you go to bed at night, make a list, mental or put it in your calendar, of everything you are going to accomplish in the morning. In the very beginning, I wrote down Everything, I scheduled my time to the minute, especially on Fridays and Saturdays when I traditionally would drink wine.
Now that schedule is so engrained, I literally have 3 minutes to poop, if I take longer, well I am poop out of luck - joking, but in an hour and a half, I manage barn chores, getting kids ready, getting me ready, breakfast for kids and dogs...

I took my anxiety pills every day in the beginning, now I only need them one week a month.

There is always something to do. I cannot be idle, in the evenings I do needle point, right now I am sitting here doing work, (well I was, now I am having a coffee break), with tomatoes for pasta sauce simmering on the stove. I already have the kids teacher's Christmas gifts done, we have 3 horses to get ready for 2 events in the coming months, I have a huge community event my fun company is leading. The point is, I don't worry about relapse because, 1. I don't drink, that person is gone and 2. I am way to busy to worry about relapse. I put my plans in place, I know what I will say in every situation and I am confidant in my recovered state. Simple, sobriety is the only option and look at all the amazing things I can achieve through it. When I was home after the babies were born on mat leave was the last time I had "time" to do as much canning and cooking as I do now and you know what, dh and I were slimmer, I was at high school weight, we weren't using a gym membership and we were all healthier. What changed, sure work - but I have always kept super busy, but also drinking, it literally stole years from me. It stole and changed my time. It's gone and we are so much better for it, there will never be another time to drink. I don't think about relapse, I don't even have dreams about it anymore, because it simply will not happen. I no longer have anxiety about it. It is off the table for good and a positive, happy life is all I want.
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Old 08-15-2018, 12:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso View Post
No no! No way! But I live in perpetual fear of relapse, to the point of terror. I had 9 months sober when I got my DUI. I used to be an all day, daily drinker but a few years ago, after rehab, I became a serial relapser. I make it six or four or eight or nine months and then go on a two to three day binge and then quit again. I am ready to cut out these periodic mini binges out because they are always extraordinarily destructive, even if the consequences are emotional.

I suppose that that may be part of my morning anxiety as well, I wake up terrified that today may be the day that I lose my f’ing mind and decide to drink.

It is so weird how scared I am of relapse and how despite this, I do it again, anyway.
Ok good! I didn't think so but the way you phrased that one response had me confused. I understand the fear, you've made it hard to trust yourself. I know that feeling. Just like with others in our lives I believe we can eventually trust ourselves given time. But we need time.
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Old 08-17-2018, 11:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso View Post
I have taken care of every appointment, every everything by riding km and kms on my bike in 35 degree heat. I am SUPER with my kids. I am eating healthy, back in karate, praying, meditating, AAing, talk to my sponsor nearly daily, Italian psychologist, American psychologist, psychiatrist, I bought a cargo bike (way cool by the way) to get my kids around, it should be delivered next week, I am taking my meds, I am looking for work while working my summer gig. I am doing it all, I have to do it all. I am absolutely TERRIFIED that if I let one piece of the puzze go it is all going to come crashing down. Everyone around me is in control right now, I have zero control. My ex, the court, my doctors.
This is both one of the more accurate and one of the more frightening descriptions of chronic, traumatic stress that I've ever read. It's also familiar to me. I cannot tell you how reading this has affected me.

I was never good at coming up with short-term fixes, except sometimes for myself, on-the-run, and I'm very averse to offering advice. One of the best things I did for myself when I got sober was to slow down my life. Keep things simple. Learn to live more or less with only what I needed. I got better. I learned to be grateful for many things that came to me through sobriety, and to be grateful for many things I'd lost, needed to lose, since I've been sober. The world continues to look crazy and out-of-control to me, but I no longer feel compelled to take part, alone or with others.

I'm sorry, Mera, that other people are able to play an influential role in how you see yourself as a person. That's pretty much the definition of having "zero control". That tendency depletes us emotionally and physically, and it usually does not end well. It seems not only to make you believe that you "have to do it all," but that you're not good enough to get there. And maybe never will be.

As my first sponsor told me in 1983, and as some here on SR have echoed over the years, I hope you can find a way to have a slow recovery instead of feeling out of control, chaining yourself to an artificial timetable, and pursuing a seemingly unrealistic and potentially harmful plan for recovery. With many people I've known, that seems to require a great deal of compassion around what we've done, what we've put ourselves through, and how we learn to care for ourselves while we're working to recover.

I've sometimes tried to be that caring person I needed in my life when things seemed to be falling apart. Even though it doesn't always work, it's good practice, and the walk will do you good.
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Old 08-18-2018, 01:50 AM
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Originally Posted by EndGameNYC View Post
With many people I've known, that seems to require a great deal of compassion around what we've done, what we've put ourselves through, and how we learn to care for ourselves while we're working to recover.

I've sometimes tried to be that caring person I needed in my life when things seemed to be falling apart. Even though it doesn't always work, it's good practice, and the walk will do you good.
First and foremost, it is good to see you EndGame, I am sure I am not the only one who has missed your presence around here. I hope you have been doing well and enjoying karate, rollerblading and your new (ish?) job.

What you mentioned above is a great problem for me although I do put in the effort. I eat well, exercise, take care of my appearance, take care of my home and yard, and do my best to take care of my mind.

I had made a good deal of progress in this area with my former psychiatrist/psychologist (I can hear the groans from the masses at the mere mention of him/this issue...) I'm not sure it was that the therapy was *that* great, but more the fact that he cared- or appeared to care- so so much. We worked through my issues under a blanket of what felt like real love and concern. Unfortunately the issue of transference/counter-transference became too big to ignore/handle/support and the day came that he fired me, out of the blue, via text message.

When our work ended so abruptly I took a huge slide backwards, even further back that where I began. I have slowly crawled out of the hole though not without bumps in the road.

I have tried a number of different therapists since him and none of them "fit" like he did. I show up to each appointment, earnestly do the work, pay the bill and repeat week after week but don't feel like I am making much progress in the areas I need to.

I feel ready to give up and just go my own way, continuing to work on it alone. At the same time I feel scared to let that go. I feel like if I am not *doing* all these things then I am not really working towards improvement in the areas of my life/personality that need it the most. I think that if I do all these things I can honestly say to myself "at least I am trying" But am I?
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Old 08-18-2018, 07:57 AM
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Dear Mera. We are long time friends, you and I. I think of you often. Would come over to see you but I am 91 and a bit old to make the plane trip safely. So afraid I'd fall. I often relapsed when I was trying to maintain sobriety. Relapses are so unpleasant (an understatement). Panic, sleeplessness.
We are here to help you. We shall be always here. I'm often depressed, even after many years of sobriety. The best thing I can do is reach out and try to help some other person who is depressed. Try to climb the mountain together. Into the sunlight. The path may seem steep at first but it grows better as you go. Never give up! Never surrender! Churchill said it all!

Fondest love

Bill.
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Old 08-18-2018, 09:12 AM
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With children to look after this might be unrealistic for you Meraviglioso but walking in the morning before work definitely improved my morning outlook. That's not why I did it - it was to make myself physically tired by mid evening which helped me sleep and in turn dodge some evening cravings but the side effect of feeling better afterwords was a big plus too.
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Old 08-18-2018, 10:32 AM
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Bill, thank you, that means so much to me. We've chatted often about you making a visit here. You know if you are physically able you are welcome anytime. I have a number of different lodging options for you, all would be free of charge. We could go to Piazza Shelley for a nice non-alcoholic aperitivo and then down to the seaside where the boats come in. One boat sells fresh, fried anchovies and squid right off the side of the boat!

Saoutchik, yours is a good suggestion and one and one I will try when the kids spend the night with their father. In these past few days I have experimented with setting my alarm for earlier than my natural waking time and just getting up and out of bed, it seems to have helped with the anxiety. I hope to someday be able to enjoy idle time, just relax, but for now staying in physical motion seems to help.

One thing I will say regarding your comment on fighting cravings is that I really do not suffer from alcohol cravings anymore. I just don't. I can go anywhere and do anything and while I occasionally have a passing thought or a mini "trigger" they are generally dealt with very easily. I go most days as a solid non-drinker, not even thinking about alcohol. My problem is these relapses that pop up. They are always due to some event I deem tragic or traumatic for me, or overly stressful in some way. I go from zero cravings to all out binge in a matter of minutes. I could even, if I stretched, handle and accept drinking 2 or 3 days once or twice a year except for the fact that these binges are always incredibly devastating to me and all those around me. In thinking about and evaluating these situations on a deeper level, it appears to be more than just a response to stress and rather an event of self-sabotage stemming from an unconscious, deep-seeded hatred of myself. I don't want to be this way. I want to love myself. I generally think I am a good person with a good heart. But the things I do to continuously harm myself are grand in scale and quite frightening. If someone asks me "do you hate yourself?" I would answer no. But I am repeatedly told by various professionals with more knowledge than me that yes, I do in fact hate myself. They claim to have come across few people with as low self esteem as me. So, I am working on that. I just want to be a good person. I know I can be with alcohol out of the picture for good.
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Old 08-18-2018, 11:07 AM
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Thanks Mera: I was not referring to fighting cravings when I mentioned reaching out to others suffering from depression. You said you were depressed and I was trying to help you deal with that. I am sorry that you say you have low self esteem. I often had low self esteem when I was drinking and I was ashamed of that. I realized I had an humiliating addiction. In my heart I had low self esteem. Inwardly I realized that I had to quit or lose everything: happiness, family, job, be hopelessly lonely. Somehow, something led me to reach my bottom. I went to a rehab for 28 days, with follow up after that and have not had a drink since. Thirty years.

As to the poet, Shelley, I often think of him, my sister's primary interest. She wrote her doctoral dissertation on him before she died in 1968. I admire Shelley, but admire Keats even more. I have accumulated a collection of first editions of these and other early 19th Century poets and literary figures from the 18th Century, all in my sister's memory. My favorites from the 18th Century are Thomas Gray's Church Yard Elegy and the work of Dr. Johnson and Boswell, his biographer. (I have named my dog Boswell). Dr. Johnson, such a good, kind man, was often depressed (He called it the "Black Dog") He feared that he might be sent to Hell, Eventually he died serenely. I am confident that he is now in Heaven and hope that someday I shall meet him there.

Fondly, always your friend,

Bill.
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Old 08-19-2018, 10:56 AM
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Thank you Bill, your friendship means so much to me and your words do help to ease the depression. Those are not just words on a page, I really mean that. I feel very fortunate that I do not suffer a more debilitating form of depression that keeps me in bed all day. Mine is more of a lack of joy. The good news is I have not given up hope and am willing to do or try anything and everything to get better in all aspects of my life, obviously, primarily, my alcoholism and depression. The sheer amount of effort it takes is exhausting at times, but I nearly always feel that it is worth it.

I remember you telling me about your sister and her fascinating dissertation but I did not know of your collection of first edition works. What a lovely tribute and a really nice thing to have. Do you pull them out much to read? Or just admire them on a bookshelf? You've talked of sitting on your porch reading with your trusty friend Boswell on your lap, that must be very relaxing!

I don't think I have told you this story, but you know I do English lessons. I once had a group of three high schoolers that I worked with. Throughout the school year we worked on many different English literature works including your favorite "Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard!" I have a funny picture somewhere, I'll see if I can dig it up, of the page with "I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud" by Woodsworth. The student had written so many notes trying to understand the English that you could barely see the actual poem!

Thank you again Bill for taking the time to care and post. I am headed off to bed soon after a long day of intense hiking. I hiked this wonderful trail (though very steep and rocky and scary) that leads to this little refuge in the words where you can eat. They were all out of pasta by the time I arrived but made me a nice sandwich with prosciutto and cheese and tomatoes. No mayonnaise or sauces here just bread and meat and cheese. Fortunately they were not out of desserts and I ordered TWO! The cheesecake and a chocolate cake. With an espresso. Then back down the hill. I'm tired now, but happy. I hope you have a nice Sunday, enjoy your evening.
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Old 08-19-2018, 11:07 AM
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Here you go Bill, a little laugh for you. If you click on it it becomes larger.

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Old 08-19-2018, 11:22 AM
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"I just want to be a good person. I know I can be with alcohol out of the picture for good."

Hi Mera,

I just want to say that you are ALREADY a good person. Right here, right now, today.
I have a lifetime of self loathing that I am working on putting behind me. One of the things that kept the self loathing alive and well was my unrealistic need for perfection.

My perfectionism.

Realizing and accepting that I am good, I am good enough in myself, without trying to show the world how good I can be, has opened up the door to loving myself as I am, a work in progress. As we all are.

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Old 08-19-2018, 11:34 AM
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Originally Posted by 2ndhandrose View Post
"I just want to be a good person. I know I can be with alcohol out of the picture for good."

Hi Mera,

I just want to say that you are ALREADY a good person. Right here, right now, today.
I have a lifetime of self loathing that I am working on putting behind me. One of the things that kept the self loathing alive and well was my unrealistic need for perfection.

My perfectionism.

Realizing and accepting that I am good, I am good enough in myself, without trying to show the world how good I can be, has opened up the door to loving myself as I am, a work in progress. As we all are.

Thank you for these words. Reading your post made me tear up. I want to believe that. I want to have a healthy self esteem. I want to not feel the need to be perfect or feel disgusting and worthless if I can't achieve that. I hope I can get to where you are. I keep thinking that it is bound to happen for me too.
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Old 08-19-2018, 01:23 PM
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I use the sleep cycle app to wake me up at the right point in my sleep cycle and often find it wakes me up earlier than my alarm and I always feel better. Then 15 minutes of metta meditation (love and kindness), I think considering all the situations you have going on around you this would be a great help. You wish for yourself happiness and peace, then you do the same for someone you find it easy to do this for and then for someone who you may not like or causes you stress etc. It’s very powerful. Then do 10-15 minutes mindful walking meditation which is not a fast exercise, you take it slow, concentrate on your steps and breath.

I have been waking up feeling similar to you lately and doing the above 2 things for 30 minutes each morning is making a big difference. Hope that helps x
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Old 08-20-2018, 12:06 AM
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Thanks Manta, that sounds really nice. I am glad it is working for you. I will try to be more focussed during my waking hours.
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Old 08-21-2018, 05:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso View Post
Thank you for these words. Reading your post made me tear up. I want to believe that. I want to have a healthy self esteem. I want to not feel the need to be perfect or feel disgusting and worthless if I can't achieve that. I hope I can get to where you are. I keep thinking that it is bound to happen for me too.
As to perfectionism, I find the late Ernie Kurtz' book, written with his colleague Catherine Ketchem, most helpful. It is titled "The Spirituality of Imperfection" and persuasively argues against perfectionism. Kipling, the writer, agreed with that and expressed that in his poem, "If". One learns from faults, mistakes, even failure. Losing everything on "one game of pitch and toss" Beginning again, with "worn out tools". My mother was a perfectionist and discouraged me from writing a book because it might contain a misprint. Books are very intelligent! Every book I have published has thoughtfully fallen open to reveal one of the very few misprints in the entire volume. Thanks so much, Book, for teaching your author humility!
I have seen doctors, lawyers make mistakes. That is the way they learn. I have made many mistakes. In the end they helped me along the way,.

Bill
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Old 08-21-2018, 06:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso View Post
Thank you Bill, your friendship means so much to me and your words do help to ease the depression. Those are not just words on a page, I really mean that. I feel very fortunate that I do not suffer a more debilitating form of depression that keeps me in bed all day. Mine is more of a lack of joy. The good news is I have not given up hope and am willing to do or try anything and everything to get better in all aspects of my life, obviously, primarily, my alcoholism and depression. The sheer amount of effort it takes is exhausting at times, but I nearly always feel that it is worth it.

I remember you telling me about your sister and her fascinating dissertation but I did not know of your collection of first edition works. What a lovely tribute and a really nice thing to have. Do you pull them out much to read? Or just admire them on a bookshelf? You've talked of sitting on your porch reading with your trusty friend Boswell on your lap, that must be very relaxing!

I don't think I have told you this story, but you know I do English lessons. I once had a group of three high schoolers that I worked with. Throughout the school year we worked on many different English literature works including your favorite "Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard!" I have a funny picture somewhere, I'll see if I can dig it up, of the page with "I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud" by Woodsworth. The student had written so many notes trying to understand the English that you could barely see the actual poem!

Thank you again Bill for taking the time to care and post. I am headed off to bed soon after a long day of intense hiking. I hiked this wonderful trail (though very steep and rocky and scary) that leads to this little refuge in the words where you can eat. They were all out of pasta by the time I arrived but made me a nice sandwich with prosciutto and cheese and tomatoes. No mayonnaise or sauces here just bread and meat and cheese. Fortunately they were not out of desserts and I ordered TWO! The cheesecake and a chocolate cake. With an espresso. Then back down the hill. I'm tired now, but happy. I hope you have a nice Sunday, enjoy your evening.
Thanks again, Mera! Yes, I keep the first editions on the bookshelf but read less valuable copies, like Gray's Elegy, which I use as "working copies". As I have said, I am particularly fond of Gray, who critiqued the snobby, self satisfied aristocracy. Admire his eloquent and sad depiction of the vanished youth, happy and content to be with God, his true friend.
And I admire Samuel Johnson, not only a lexicographer but a great poet, clinically depressed at times, fearing hell in the hereafter, yet serene as death approached, seeming to sense that his earlier fears were ill founded.

Fondly,

Bill

P.S. My favorite is a "BLT", bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich with mayonnaise. The latter is, I suggest, obligatory!
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Old 08-21-2018, 08:30 AM
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Hi Mera!
P.P.S. I have sent you a P.M.

Fondly

Bill
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Old 08-21-2018, 10:18 AM
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Hi Bill, thank you. I’ve responded.

Today was an exciting day. I picked up my cargo bike! I chose the brand Panda Bike as it is one of the more affordable options and is made here in Italy. It is a dream to ride, so comfortable and fun.













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