lessgravity

I say this with respect and real sympathy for what you've been through and for what you're about to go through. I think that hastening your husband's descent into alcoholism is a bad idea. Why be complicit in his self destruction? You can lead by example and take care of yourself, you can extricate yourself from the situation or do many other things that don't involve purchasing him alcohol. I think if you take a step back and look at that kind of decision you'll see that it's not wise in your situation.

Awal

You're right. I'm just on a rollercoaster right now.

Anna

Awal, you can choose to step off the rollercoaster any time that you want to. Focus on you, take care of yourself, do some things that you enjoy.

MissPerfumado

Awal, you sound really stressed and close to breaking point. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Alcoholism is a horrible disease. Your husband is gripped by something that will take him to hellish places, and it will change his personality and cause him to make unimaginable decisions. My father went through it and my mother suffered alongside him. She still hasn't forgiven him for all he put her through although he has been sober 10+ years. I am myself an alcoholic so I know the power it has over a person.

I would approach this as something you need to educate yourself on. There's a level of knowledge that will help you deal with this. Others have suggested the Family / Friends forum and Al-Anon, both excellent places to start.

There's a level of acceptance that will help too, because even with all the knowledge, it is your husband's alcoholism you are dealing with - it is something ultimately you cannot control or influence, no matter how hard you may try or how determined you may be.

Awal

For anyone who may be interested. Things have calmed down...He has been having a JD and coke every other night (to my knowledge) and I haven't shown any reaction.
I just want peace. So I'm getting on with my life and he is getting on with his. He still denies a problem the last time we spoke and although I don't buy it i have to accept whatever is going on. I have lots of support should i need it. The initial shock has subsided and I have stopped questioning him. He seems more considerate towards me now. Perhaps out of gratitude for me leaving him alone. I'm still uneasy about it all but have my outbursts at him under control.😀

Berrybean

I'm glad you're feeling better, and I really hope that it stays as it is now.

I would urge you to remember the title of this thread though, and keep your expectations realistic with regards to your husband. Unless he's actually doing something to bring about and keep a change going, chances are he's keeping a low profile until he thinks you've removed your vigilance, or he has just got better at hiding his stash and his drinking. I never had to hide mine as I drank with my partner. Well, maybe a sneaked in some extra rounds just for myself, and topped up between drinks using my hip flask.... hell, I hid it as well. Lol. But anyway, listening to some of the ways and lengths people I've met in AA used to hide their drinking and the stories that they made io to justify or hide it has really demonstrated the creativity that the average alcoholic is capable of. I'm not saying that change isn't possible. Just that change needs to be worked for if someone is an alcoholic if it's ever going to stick.

BB

Awal

[QUOTE=Berrybean;6992056]I'm glad you're feeling better, and I really hope that it stays as it is now.

I would urge you to remember the title of this thread though, and keep your expectations realistic with regards to your husband. Unless he's actually doing something to bring about and keep a change going, chances are he's keeping a low profile until he thinks you've removed your vigilance, or he has just got better at hiding his stash and his drinking. I never had to hide mine as I drank with my partner. Well, maybe a sneaked in some extra rounds just for myself, and topped up between drinks using my hip flask.... hell, I hid it as well. Lol. But anyway, listening to some of the ways and lengths people I've met in AA used to hide their drinking and the stories that they made io to justify or hide it has really demonstrated the creativity that the average alcoholic is capable of. I'm not saying that change isn't possible. Just that change needs to be worked for if someone is an alcoholic if it's ever going to stick.

My reply to Berrybean

Thank you. I'm under no illusions, I know there is a good chance that I will stumble upon another secret stash at some point, but I wont allow my life to revolve around this and I don't plan to actively search anymore. If I do happen to find something, he will know I have...not because I will mention it...but because when he goes to drink it the taste of salt will be overpowering. Or he will realise how a dead fly got into a bottle which had the lid screwed on. I doubt he will ever challenge me on it. There is a saying...play the fool to fool the fool who thinks they're fooling you.
If he wants to change, he will. If he doesn't he wont. Meanwhile...while he chooses to waste his life i shall get on with mine. Thanks again.

Anna

I think it's good that you are stepping back and getting on with living your life.

I'd strongly suggest to not get involved in games with salt and flies.

suki44883

Awal, please remember he is an adult and has a right to drink. Sabotaging his stash might work once or twice, but not forever. He'll just find better hiding places. He may just decide to stop hiding it altogether.

This is no time to play games. If his drinking bothers you so much, then figure out what you need to do to not be around it. You will never change him, and be careful...you don't want to anger him to the point where he might strike back.

Awal

Why does everyone on here appear to be pointing out HIS rights? I know it's his 'right' to drink if he wants. Ive accepted that folks! But...it's also MY right to do what I want to do to.

Awal

Let him try to strike back!

decchemist

Hello Awal

I have followed your thread from the outset.

What comes across to me, and it's the internet I know so easy to get it wrong, is that you are very, very angry. You have said you know you need to let it go, that you are close to breakdown but talk of sabotaging his alcohol with salt and flies is not something that is going to help you. Helping you is number one on the list.

Perhaps you could find local Al-Anon group to attend and / or use the Al-Anon section of this forum. Please do not think that people are 'on his side'. We are just trying to explain what we know from experience because we are the alcoholics like he is.

I wish you peace and calm.

decchemist

Actually Awal, let me add that since I began recovery I learned of the serenity prayer. It is adopted by recovering addicts but is equally applicable to anyone in my opinion. It's words are powerful and you could use them to reflect upon your own situation.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Yixi

Awal - I genuinely feel for you at the moment. The others here are right - you have to look after yourself now. I don't want to give you false hope but your husband may decide to co-operate with you and seek change. My partner stuck with me through years of absolute hell, finding the exact same physical evidence that you are now, until I finally woke up and decided to kick the bottle. So I changed my ways - but it is correct in saying that it has to come form the substance abuser personally. He may not see it as a problem or have the desire to change. I hope that he does but whatever happens I hope that you get the support that you need and deserve, (SR being an invaluable part, IMO). Best wishes.

lessgravity

The reason I'm directing my responses to you is that you are the one suffering, being wronged and being lied to. If your husband's response to being caught lying and betraying your trust was to for himself a drink every night for the last week, can the idea that he's not still lying to you is absurd. I also just can't condone some sort of Battle Royale between spouses. What next, rat poison in the gin?

Again, I say this sympathy for your situation. I've been there, as the husband lying and hiding. I'll never completely forgve myself the pain that I needlessly caused those I love. Hopefully you're able to find some peace and calm.

Dee74

You have the right to a good life

If you feel things are untenable living with your with your husband, I recommend you see an attorney and take it from there.

I was the alcoholic but I've been there - things became about power, and oneupmanship pointscoring...and blunt brutal ruthless revenge

No couple should ever end up like that.

Wars of attrition usually end up with casualties on both sides.
Noone wins.

D

Awal

Yes. I have the right to a good life. To the life he promised me. To the happiness he promised me. I obviously don't have a right to the truth. People seem to feel lm being unreasonable because lm feeling angry...but watching the life l thought l was going to have go down the drain isnt an easy thing to do. So as l see it l have 2 choices
1. I prepare to sell our lovely home...the place we worked so hard to create. The place we have invested in and can easily afford as a couple.
Then try to find somewhere l can afford on a part time wage at the age of 61. Some pokey flat in a bad area no doubt...would that be 'peace of mind'? In my mind no...this would bring a different set of challenges.

2. Stay where l am with my husband who l surprisingly still care for and who still pays his way despite being retired. His downfall is he needs a 'crutch' to face life and can't open up and be honest with me. I don't exactly know how bad his drink problem is...because he only drinks occasionally and moderately in front of me. I will never know the extend of the secret drinking.

I choose option 2...if l were 30, still attractive, working full time etc it would be a different story.

I realise most of you replying are or have been on the drinking side of this issue and therefore not on the receiving end...so you don't really know what its like to be put in this position. It is bloody awful let me tell you. My friends husband died an absolutely horrific death through alcoholism...l just don't want to see my husband go the same way....but it is in his hands and not mine....so please excuse me if that angers and saddens me.

decchemist

This is the reason why some contributions to the thread have tried to direct you to the friends and family area of the forum and to Al-Anon, which is for relatives of alcoholics.

Awal

I realise that...and after looking through some of the posts on there im realising that most alcoholics end up alone. What a way to spend the one precious life we are given. I'm so glad I'm on this side of the fence as to be reliant on drink to get through must be a living hell. 😢

DontRemember

I've been on both sides of the fence..twice. My exwf was addicted to pills before I started drinking, I divorced her and won full custody of my daughter(22 now). Then my exgf is addicted to booze/gambling...once I got sober, I left her because I didn't want to live that way any longer. I and many on this side of the board can understand the anger you feel. I mean we never would have intentionally got involved with our partners/ex's had we known.. Take care of your happiness and he should take care of his. Hopefully you'll both be happy together. ,