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Old 08-15-2018, 04:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Awal View Post
So what do I do? Take a step back? Ignore his 'antics'? Focus on myself? Try to stop caring even? Give up on ever having the life we should be having? Is that really all i can do? ��
Yes, I think the best thing to do is to step back and focus on yourself. You can continue trying to make him do what you want, but is that how you want to live? Do you want to be always searching, questioning, not believing? Do you need to keep searching for hidden bottles when you and he both know they are there? You deserve more than that.

A boundary is completely enforcable--by you. If your boundary is not to be in the same room with someone who is getting drunk, you can leave the room. If your boundary is not to be in a car with a driver who has been drinking, you can find another way to get wherever you're going. It puts you in charge of yourself.
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Old 08-15-2018, 05:23 PM
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Setting Boundaries:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oundaries.html (Setting Boundaries)
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Old 08-15-2018, 05:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Awal View Post
So what do I do? Take a step back? Ignore his 'antics'? Focus on myself? Try to stop caring even? Give up on ever having the life we should be having? Is that really all i can do? 😢
Yes.

You can't actually control another person so what are your options? You either walk away or you learn to live with it.

You might also want to check out Al-Anon meetings for face to face support. They are for the friends and family of alcoholics and are not focused on "saving" the alcoholic but on giving you tools to move forward in your own life.
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Old 08-15-2018, 11:18 PM
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[QUOTE=DontRemember;6985438]
Originally Posted by Awal View Post
Boundary(ies) about what you are willing to accept/put up with in YOUR life. I was going to ask you how long you plan on 'playing booze detective' and at what point will be 'enough',but didn't want to be too harsh. It's really a pointless act to try and montitor his drinking/intake. It's even more pointless to expect if you "call him out" on his drinking that anything will change..except for the levels he goes into hiding it from you. We are ALL our own people and we make our decisions based off of our own 'wants/needs'..Whereas, his current 'wants/needs' are to drink and keep it from you, your wants/needs,at the moment, are to catch him lying about it. That's not your place..at the very least it's not a healthy mindset for you to place yourself into. Check out the F&F section..lots of great advice and experience there too.
I'm guessing it's a natural reaction 'playing booze detective' for a while before getting to the 'i don't give a s*** stage. But I certainly don't plan to make this my life's work. What sort of wife would i be if i just shrugged and thought so be it..it's his life to waste, without at least trying to do something? I gave up a lot to be with this man so to accept this without some sort of fight (for want of a better word) is difficult. But I also see your point...we cannot control other people or their actions.

I've, without doubt, been in denial for a long time, been accepting the pathetic excuses etc, it was easier to think I could be very wrong, but am now starting to put all the pieces of the jigsaw together and it's creating one big horrible picture. I don't want to catch him out...I want him to prove me wrong...but I doubt that's gonna happen.

So I WILL be working on boundaries of: turning a blind eye as much as I can : focusing on finding ways to enjoy life for MYSELF : giving up on any hope i had of a 'normal' life/relationship. I accept that's the way forward now.
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Old 08-15-2018, 11:22 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Yes.

You can't actually control another person so what are your options? You either walk away or you learn to live with it.

You might also want to check out Al-Anon meetings for face to face support. They are for the friends and family of alcoholics and are not focused on "saving" the alcoholic but on giving you tools to move forward in your own life.
Thank you for the no bull***t reply. 😀
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Old 08-15-2018, 11:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
Yes, I think the best thing to do is to step back and focus on yourself. You can continue trying to make him do what you want, but is that how you want to live? Do you want to be always searching, questioning, not believing? Do you need to keep searching for hidden bottles when you and he both know they are there? You deserve more than that.

A boundary is completely enforcable--by you. If your boundary is not to be in the same room with someone who is getting drunk, you can leave the room. If your boundary is not to be in a car with a driver who has been drinking, you can find another way to get wherever you're going. It puts you in charge of yourself.
Thank you...one of my boundaries is not to allow him the 'comfort' of thinking l believe his lies anymore. I will not be treated like a fool. Turning a blind eye is one thing but allowing him to think I buy his excuses and lies is quite a different matter.
And you're right...I do deserve more than this. X
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Old 08-17-2018, 12:35 PM
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P.s. Just bought him Vodka and Jack Daniels...let's speed the God damn process up!
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Old 08-17-2018, 01:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Awal View Post
P.s. Just bought him Vodka and Jack Daniels...let's speed the God damn process up!
Why would you do that? I must ask; are you looking to help set him up for failure,as far as your complaints against him go?

Edit: If you want to "speed the God damn process up!" call an attorney and file for divorce.
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Old 08-17-2018, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Awal View Post
P.s. Just bought him Vodka and Jack Daniels...let's speed the God damn process up!
Wait, what? Why??
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Old 08-17-2018, 01:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Awal View Post
P.s. Just bought him Vodka and Jack Daniels...let's speed the God damn process up!
This really sounds like you need a break. Can you get away and spend some time on your own, maybe stay with a friend or family?
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Old 08-17-2018, 01:39 PM
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Oh my. That doesn't sound like where you should be focusing your efforts.
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Old 08-18-2018, 01:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
This really sounds like you need a break. Can you get away and spend some time on your own, maybe stay with a friend or family?
You're right Anna...I feel I'm heading for a breakdown x
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Old 08-18-2018, 01:21 AM
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Originally Posted by DontRemember View Post
Why would you do that? I must ask; are you looking to help set him up for failure,as far as your complaints against him go?

Edit: If you want to "speed the God damn process up!" call an attorney and file for divorce.
Oh so settle for half of everything instead of it all through no fault of my own? ...l don't think so! HE is the one who has set himself up for failure...He has free rein now, I can't control what he does...but I can get on with my life.
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Old 08-18-2018, 01:31 AM
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Originally Posted by babycat View Post
Wait, what? Why??
Because he's gonna do it no matter what. If I don't buy it he will. It's what he wants to do and until HE decides otherwise I just have to comply and live with the way he chooses to be. He can hit the bottle whilst I choose to look after myself.
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Old 08-18-2018, 01:35 AM
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Originally Posted by lessgravity View Post
Oh my. That doesn't sound like where you should be focusing your efforts.
I'm focussing my efforts on keeping him happy...and if he is happy my life is easier..if it takes a certain kind of liquid to achieve that so be it. So ultimately I'm focussing on improving my life...when he chooses to improve his l will support him all the way but until that happens im looking after no.1
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Old 08-18-2018, 01:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Gerard52 View Post
Not really, alcohol is quite noticeable. Do you not smell on his breath? If someone is drinking it is impossible not to.
he doesn't really let me get that close these days.
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Old 08-18-2018, 01:51 AM
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Hugs Awal. I really do hope that you'll be able to take a deep breath, stay calm, and get some support for yourself from others who've walked this path ahead of you. As well as here in Newcomers, there is also a great Friends and Family area (see link below) - the 'stickies' in there are likely to be useful reads for you. Also AlAnon in your area would be worth investigating, so that next time you're worried for your own sanity you would have support just a phone call away rather than reacting in ways that are counter-productive such as buying liquor for your alcoholic.

Are you only staying with him for the financial security and maintaining your standard of living? If so it might be worth reconsidering. Peace of mind is often more valuable than material possessions. Would you be able to support yourself if push came to shove? Maybe it would be worth consulting someone legally to find out exactly what might happen if you did seperate (if you didn't already do this).

BB

You can find the Friends and Family area here, and their 'stickies' are at the top of the page... https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
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Old 08-18-2018, 04:04 AM
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Being with or married to an alcoholic is miserable.

Becoming an alcoholic is also miserable.

There are no winners or losers until the drinking stops. Anyone bringing more alcohol into the situation will not help I can promise you that.

Other than those comments I sincerely hope you both learn to love each other again - he can stop hiding his addiction - and ultimately stop drinking.

Best Regards,

JT
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Old 08-18-2018, 06:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Awal View Post
I'm focussing my efforts on keeping him happy...and if he is happy my life is easier..
I will say this with caring - as long as you believe this, you will not be happy.

You said you feel like you're having a breakdown. Is having half of everything more important than your mental and physical health? Things can be replaced.
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Old 08-18-2018, 07:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Awal View Post
I'm focussing my efforts on keeping him happy...and if he is happy my life is easier..if it takes a certain kind of liquid to achieve that so be it. So ultimately I'm focussing on improving my life...when he chooses to improve his l will support him all the way but until that happens im looking after no.1
I totally understand this inclination, but you must know that it isn't sustainable. For one thing, alcoholism is progressive. Left untreated it will only get worse, and cause more problems for him and by nature of proximity, for you.

He isn't "happy" when he's drinking, he's just sated. And over time it will take more and more to achieve that satiation.

If you truly want to look out for yourself regardless of what he chooses to do or not do, then it's time to educate yourself about addiction, and how it affects you, so you can choose what is really acceptable to you and what isn't. If you have never been to Al-Anon, that could be a great place to start and find support from people going through what you are going through.
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