Freddie12

I know I have and I know many people out there have as well. We eat ourselves up over it. I mean how do you forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made? Its honestly a vicious rat race of a cycle. We make a mistake being black out drunk not knowing anything that happened only to hear stories and the town talking about it the next day. We find out the terrible things we have done and wonder how this happened and why? I know I didn’t want it to and sober me would never hurt my loved ones. You beat yourself up over and over for it not knowing why or how to overcome this. So, what do you do?
You drink some more to take away all the pain you feel. Drinking becomes your mechanism even though it’s the true reason you are falling down this dark path to begin with. You keep drinking, drinking becomes something you can’t live without, then before you know it you are repeating the same mistakes you made before again and again. I was told that there is a reason behind the madness, but I find this to be completely false. I love the man I have in my life. HE is the reason I am here today. He has helped me succeed and grow as a person. I would never do anything to hurt that beautiful perfect soul.
Drinking does cause you to not think straight, spill drinks, fall over, puke, say things we regret, but when you reach total blackout mode, I have found that we become someone different. We aren’t ourselves. Not any part of us is in there. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not making excuses for what has happened to me, I know I messed up terribly and I came clean and told the people that mattered. I blame myself for putting myself in that situation to begin with, I blame myself for drinking to much, I don’t however, believe that I should be defined by these mistakes. Its not who I am. I am a good person that will put my all into a relationship to spoil and love in the best way that I know how to. I will help anyone and everyone around me, even give the shirt off my back if I need to. Once we reach that stage of becoming blackout drunk your mind is not there. I shouldn’t have reached that stage of any night of drinking, I know I messed up, but I do believe that situations and people can be taken advantage of, and that girl that comes out when blackout drunk I hope I never have to see her again. I hate her more than anyone, but I do not hate who I truly am. I know who I am as a person and I know for a fact that girl isn’t me and my true friends and family should know that as well.
I have many people in this town that want me to move, leave, never show my face again, but I’m not going anywhere. I will overcome this, I will overcome all the gossip, I will prove to people who the real me is. I’m putting down the bottle and I’m focusing on what’s important in my life. Zach and Cedar. They are my world and I couldn’t imagine going a day without them. I’m beyond lucky and blessed they are standing by my side and so proud of the man I have. He knows how terrible this is and is hurt as well, but him being his loving and strong self, he has told me he wants me to get help and see me get better. He is pushing me to seek treatment for my sickness. And starting tonight I’m going to an AA meeting to talk about my demons and the things that are killing me inside. I don’t want to hurt anymore, and I don’t want to hurt my loved ones either. I have lost a lot of people due to this, but I know my true friends will stay by my side and I know that Zach will forever be the one that is meant for me. This girl that comes out when the bottle is gone, is dying and ending tonight. From here on out there will forever only be the real and true me.

gypsytears

Hi and welcome . I'm glad you found the forums. SR can be a great source of support and information. I hope you come back and let us know how the meeting went.

least

Welcome to the family. I've done a lot of shameful things while drunk. After some time sober, I was able to forgive myself.

Keto

Irs pretty much the esscence of alcoholism

Freddie12

Thank you! I’m excited to become a part of this family. I’m ready for a change

Freddie12

Hi! Thank you! I will definitely let everyone know how my first meeting goes. I’m nervous but excited.

MissPerfumado

It's going to be OK, Freddie. I've been blackout drunk before and apparently said some horrific things to my boyfriend at the time. It's terrifying because I have no memory of it.

You have the future now to build. Staying sober is the first step to that. You can get stronger and stronger, day by day, just stay on the sober path. Eventually, your drinking past will seem like a foreign country, one where horrible things happened, but you never have to visit again.

Freddie12

Thank you for your kind words and wisdom. I believe that with time it will get easier. I'm happy today starts my day of sobriety!

MovingForward1

Bit by bit, I lost everything while in that vicious cycle. Drove away friends, lost job, husband, child, car. I'm struggling to come back but it takes time, a lot more time.

Glad you've found this site, it can be a great addition to your arsenal!

Freddie12

I’m so sorry to hear that. I know you can get past this. Like you said it takes time and we all have each other to help get through the rough times.

Primativo

Yes, I went through a break up a couple of years ago when I was really in the crutch of my drinking. It was before I had even really acknowledged I had a problem, but I certainly did have a problem with drink.

Anyway, the way I reacted to the break up was terrible on my part. I sunk myself to a horrible low and did some things I am ashamed of. I look back now and most of it is without a doubt because I was off my face drunk. If I was sober back then, I would have handled it much better.

resolute50

We all have done bad things while drunk. But, we take a different path. We write a new chapter in our lives. The past is just that...the past.

thomas11

I think most alcoholics have done regrettable things while drunk. Heck, I'm guessing even non-alcoholics have done some regrettable things while drunk.

The good news is that it all comes under control if you quit, the bad news is that it gets worse if you don't quit. Wish you the best.

AtomicBlue

Of course! There’s a reason AA has the 5th step and amends. Going through them helped me be able to forgive myself. I hope you’re able to some day also.

rayna87

Last time I was drunk, which was way too recently, 4th of July and my night ended with me falling off a toilet in a bar. I have very vague pieces of memory of my cousin’s girlfriend helping me up. This was after almost a month of being sober and finally getting it together. There’s a post on here somewhere about it...I was so arrogant and nonchalant. Even after sitting in silence in my Uber going home that night, regretting the entire day/night not even an hour after it all ended. That very nice Uber driver asked if i wanted ‘a drink’, so he stopped at a gas station and when he asked me what i wanted, i asked if he’d get me a vitamin water. When he came back to the car with the water, he made a couple of jokes about how he thought i was going to ask for something harder. If he ONLY knew who/what he was talking to. I actually had, of course, thought about joking (but actually being totally serious) for a 6 pack or a cheap bottle of gas station wine when he brought up stopping for ‘a drink’. But i knew I had to be done. I never, ever wanted a repeat of that night. We laughed at his ‘joke’ for a minute or so while I drank the water, and that was the last of it for me. i spent all of the next day trying to erase almost everything from the day before from my mind. I thought about drinking to do so. But like you, i was ready to change and end the vicious cycle - anything but starting it all over again. For a second time. I haven’t regretted that decision since. Welcome and support to you!

Branches

Dear Freddie, this kind of hit a nerve for me because I was on the receiving end of the "blackouts," when my husband morphed from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde. when he was actively drinking. He stopped drinking before I did. He was always abjectly sorry, deeply ashamed, and hated to be reminded of it. I told him one time that "I know you have no memory of saying it and claim you didn't mean it, but I have the memory of it, you hurt me terribly, and one day you're going to say something I can't forgive. You can't keep doing this and then tell me you didn't mean it. If you continue to drink and do it again, I'll take it as you did it on purpose cuz I'm telling you you do it and you drank anyway." I don't know if that was the right thing to say, one drinker to another, but that's how I felt and he took me seriously. I'm sharing this with you so that you may not lose the good thing you have with your sweetheart. The thing is, somewhere deep down inside there is a rage, a deep hurt, a resentment that needs to be dealt with and healed,(but not with alcohol) and when the alcohol loosens all inhibitions, that ugly demon comes out and hits whoever is in close proximity. It's not fun being the "hittee." My husband loves me dearly, has always been generous, understanding, kind, sensitive - he's a "good person" too, so I believe you when you say you are not "that person" that does these things. I encourage you to get some help. Please come on here and post when and if you feel the need to drink, it's really a lifesaver. Fifteen minutes of posting and reading on here and the craving will subside and you'll feel really good and proud of yourself for not running off to the local pub or the liquor store. SR is a wonderful place of support. Good luck to you. I believe you can do this.

Aliceiw

Hi, Branches and Freddie. Branches, I'm glad you posted what you said to your husband when he turns into Mr. Hyde. Because, Freddie, like you, I am fortunate enough to have a person in my life that I truly cherish and who is the reason I'm here. (Seriously. My son told him, "thank you for saving my mother's life.") And he did, and he has. but recently, I've had blackouts and he's told me of the horrific things I've said and done to him. It's so painful to hear from him when I regain consciousness. I never, ever in a million years would say those types of things or do some of the things I've done if I weren't blackout-drunk.

The blackout incidents have only happened recently, and I think it's because of some stress I've had lately related to my toxic divorce. I do think I must have some kind of inward rage from that experience because that seems to be what I express to the man I love: absolute contempt and rage. And I guess it's because he is here with me but my ex -- who is the one I truly do have negative feelings about -- is not.

Is that kind of how it is with you, Freddie?

In any case, Branches, I am going to memorize what you told your blacked-out husband and hold myself to what you asked of him: to understand that even though I have no memory of the things I said and did, NOW I've been told -- now I KNOW -- and if I do it ever again then yes, it is on purpose and yes, it is completely my fault. My love doesn't deserve that BS from me. And if I do it again, then I don't deserve him.

Truth right there.

bunchie

Freddie,
I had a crazy blackout the last time I drank, I have bee n a heavy weekend binge drinker for years. I always liked to myself about my problem, thought because I only drank on weekends I was not an alcoholic. There was always the occasional drunk on Sunday which came about because of behaviour in Saturday , drinking to hide pain, regret and remorse, the worst.However , I never had a full blackout until my last night drinking , and it's why I am here today, I cooked a pizza in oven at home, passed out at kitchen table, I did not remember driving home, my wife said I was barely able to speak and argued with her when she said I had a problem. I can not remember any of it , and it scared me into sobriety so to speak, I am only 21 days but I can feel things getting better, I still have heavy regret for being such a drunk my whole life, but it's water under the bridge, my wife is really happy and my kids have asked why I am not drinking , they noticed at beach, and i said drinking is not fun anymore and I wish I never started, and told them that my life was becoming unravelled , and I told them I hope they never drink , I said we have it in our genes, both sides, they realise and my daughter said she noticed that I was in a better mood lately. That's all I needed to hear, it made me feel honest again. I wish you all the best , and just keep looking forward , the past is behind us, maybe after a few more months or years of sobriety I can look back at my past and forgive myself .

Freddie12

Thank you for these words. This is so true and something I truly need to work on.

Freddie12

Bunchie,
Thank you for sharing your story. I was the same way. If i only drank on the weekends that meant I didnt have a problem right? No... That wasnt the truth. To blackout every weekend from drinking is a serious problem and Im so happyu to have figured that out now. Its only my 3rd day of being sober, but i know these steps of going into AA and reaching out on this site will help me to continue forward with my life and help me to forgive myself for the person I was and will no longer be. You got this, I got this, We all here can do this!