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Old 08-13-2018, 07:07 AM   #1 (permalink)
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My boyfriend is still drinking


....but he's not an alcoholic. He can easily stop at 1 or 2, no problem. However I've asked that he doesn't drink in the house and he respects that. Now he will go to bars and come back smelling like beer or whisky and I absolutely can't stand it. Sometimes my anxiety gets so bad that I have to physically leave the house and go for a walk. This happens 2-3 times a week.

I'm not sure what to do- he's already respected my wishes by not drinking in the house, but it's that smell of the drink and I can tell he's a little tipsy that really triggers me. It doesn't seem fair to tell him to stop drinking at bars.

I'm fine watching others drink at a bar, that doesn't bother me. Idk why this situation bothers me so much. Do I need to cool it and relax or should I tell him to stop going out and drinking? Don't know what to do.
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Old 08-13-2018, 08:16 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Are you saying you want him to stop drinking because it's effecting you, or to stop drinking because he used to have a drinking problem and you're worried he'll go back to full on drinking?

If it's because of you, I'm not sure you can tell him to not go out drinking.

I'm currently not drinking and I plan to be sober for good, but my husband still drinks. He drinks in the house and when we're out, but he is a sensible drinker. he even asks me to make drinks for him. I don't really have the right to tell him to not drink because I'm not drinking. Now that I don't drink, I'm more sensitive to the smell of alcohol on his breath, but that's not his fault. It's down to me to not drink.

I feel like there's only so much you can expect a person to do. He doesn't drink in the house which is amazing. I'd not even consider asking my husband not to drink in the house. I definitely do not think you should tell him to stop going out drinking if he personally doesn't have a drinking problem. Our sobriety is our own choice and we have to do some of the work ourselves.
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Old 08-13-2018, 10:53 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I didn't like it in my home either, my comfort zone where I am safe from everything in life. That is where I like to relax, not be stressed with the smell of booze. So I get where you are coming from.

I think a walk is a good idea!
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Old 08-13-2018, 11:08 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I am newly sober (again) and live with a drinker. He respected my request not to drink in front of me early on but has since become lax. He doesn't leave his liquor bottle out in plain sight so to me that's something at least. Since I'm the one with the "problem" I cannot tell him not to drink. I wouldn't tell him not to go out to bars. Alcohol is my issue and even though it's difficult to be around it sometimes, it's all on me to deal with. If you were to tell him not to drink outside the house is there a consequence? If you live together and plan on staying together I don't see ultimatums as viable. Still... talking to him about how it affects you is preferable to suffering in silence. Walks are a great idea when you need a little space though!
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Old 08-13-2018, 11:11 AM   #5 (permalink)
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NerfThis posed an essential question - is this because you are concerned that he will go back to problematic drinking (if he was engaging in this at some point) or that it will trigger you to drink because of your alcohol abuse?

It's a good idea for sure to not have any booze in the house; I know for myself, knowing something is there will eat away at me until I either get rid of it or cave in and drink. I know how sickening the smell can be; I still crinkle my nose at those automatic hand sanitizing dispensers!

I have to agree with Nerf, though. I don't think it's fair to ask him to completely stop drinking and going to bars if he maintains control. I even know many people (particularly men) who like having a full bar in the house and a fridge stocked with beer for guests. In an ideal world I would have this too, because for most people it's totally normal to offer someone a casual drink when hanging out.

If you're in early sobriety, which you probably are if the smell and perception of alcohol use is enough to trigger you, it might become necessary to find a different living situation, even if temporarily? That way you two can be together sober, but he'd have somewhere to go after a night at the bars... just a thought!
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Old 08-13-2018, 03:19 PM   #6 (permalink)
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just wanna say, that 2-3 nights a week at the bar, coming home tipsy and reeking of booze doesn't exactly sound like a 1 or 2 drinks max kind of thing. a person who has a drink or two over the course of an evening, has metabolized a lot of it and shouldn't be tipsy/drunk, nor should the smell of alcohol emanate from them by the time they get home.

the problem with co-habitation is that no one person gets to dictate the house rules. he is at least respectful of not drinking in the home. you are certainly entitled to ASK him not to drink at all, but he gets to say yes or no. it sounds like drinking is a big part of his social thing.....whether it's actually a problem is another story.

i guess you have to decide how much this bothers you.....if it's temporary and something that will be less bothersome over time, or if it's a BIG DEAL for you. leaving the house, going for a walk is fine....unless it's pouring down rain, just flat out dark and unsafe, or there's two feet of snow. meaning that isn't really a solution.

there was a suggestion above that maybe each having your own living space would allow you to continue the relationship without this extra layer of "stuff".
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Old 08-13-2018, 06:18 PM   #7 (permalink)
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If it bothers you, I think the right thing to do is to talk it out - but maybe get straight on why it bothers you first?.

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