Help day 1 again dispeared
 

Hello kind people ...with sadness and shame i lapsed on day 5 ....i got constant panick attack ...i know its not excuse ... i wanted to sedate just for one evening ...irrational ended up locked crying self neglect .When i broke denial its been over half a year. And i failed each lapse progressed ilness as mental health deteriorated through alcohol. I went to doctor i said what happened and i promised i detox again by myself. Doctor gave me hope .She said im doing all i can just not having too much support and dealing with biggest stressors. She asked me to take antidepressant non addictive and said after couple of weeks will feel better. I never mixed meds with alcohol so never settled on this medication. I m back to former approach recovery first . I cannot deal what is not in my control and without mental and physical strenght. I asked my friend to take me for two weeks to countryside to regenerate a bit and leave this house for a while and not to be alone. I did now 12 hours so started detoxing. Last night i poured whole bottle of wine to sink knowing when worst panick will come at night i would not have will power not to sedate myself. Therefore , night was horrid sleepless but i managed. I m alive ...but health is compromised i just hope body will heal a bit through the days. I drank two bottles of wine over 24 hours white dry couple of days in the row . I could not stop so i reminded myself how i did last time and removed anything containing alcohol from house. Thinking what else i could incorporate to support me. I m really ready to do AA programme but no sponsor and a bit scared i ll have to go over last years regarding work burn out , husband away , all that trauma however i know people who worked with sponsors had higher success rates and going through programme brings integrity back as it is very honest programme. Glad i wrote that i cannot lie hope this was last time i picked up a drink. Apologies it is an essey ... just thinking this site gave me insight and kind people with advice ...doing this again oddat x D

I didn't have a sponsor in AA. If I were you, I'd go and get started. Feel it out,listen(talk if you feel like it) and meet some folks just like you and I. Help and support is available,but sobriety doesn't come to those who don't ask/seek/work towards it.

Yes i attended some meetings and you are right sit and listen first ... will be back to them ... thank you xD

Hi Allishope. Good on you for pouring out the wine and deciding to refocus. I think AA and working the steps works for many, I'm planning to start now too. Please take care of yourself over the next few days. I know how horrible that panic is but we are all here for you xx :grouphug:

Thank you Gabe. As i say i m very grateful. Alone i would be so hard on myself. I see we all have been there. It gives hope. Addiction is terrible disease. There is great article on perfectionism here. I read and got clarification. Some insight and clues to follow from now. I m here for you. We want to make it. I still believe we will x

Me too! It's learning, time and effort. And a little bit of compassion along the way. Take care xxx