I want to apologize in advance for this long winded post. I promise it has a happy ending though...
This weekend my husband is in a rodeo for his wild horse racing. I couldn't make it today because I had a baby shower to go to, but I will make it to watch him tomorrow. Anyways, the baby shower I went to today was for one of my old co-workers. I was talking to one of my friends there and she was asking me about my health and if I'm doing ok. I haven't really had a chance to tell her about my sober journey and all of my health issues I was going through because it's not something I want to broadcast. She was concerned and a little sad I hadn't opened up to her about it yet. I explained it's nothing personal, I just still have feelings of shame and embarrassment and I choose wisely who I talk to about this and the only reason I haven't told her is because I wanted to talk with her in person, not via text. She was very understanding and supportive.
Anyways, she is still working at the bar we worked at together that is owned by my in-laws. It came up how badly my mother-in-law talks about me and is still telling everyone at work how terrible of a person I am because I just about drank myself to death. While this is true that I almost did drink myself to death.... It is not true that I am a terrible person. I have mentioned this before, she has never made an effort to form a relationship with me. Since she found out I was sick, she has completely shut the door on me. She's never asked me how I am doing and I am lucky if I even get a hello out of her when I see her. Her and my father-in-law drink extremely heavy so I find this all very hypocritical. They are very entitled people and are the most selfish, judgmental people I have ever met on this planet. I have NEVER been treated by people so poorly in my entire life. It literally breaks my heart to hear multiple people come to me and tell me the nasty things they say behind my back. I left the shower and drove home in tears the whole way.
My husband and a couple of our friends were going to a bull riding event in our town after the rodeo was over so I met them over there. When we show up, I walk into the stands and I see my in-laws sitting with my husband's ex with their twin boys. I get along extremely well with my husband's ex and we co-parent very well together. However, this was like a punch in the stomach after I was hearing how badly my mother-in-law thinks of me all day and then to find her sitting with my husband's ex practically worshipping the ground she walks on. Again, I get no recognition from my in-laws. I ended up sitting and talking with my husband's ex and the twins the whole time (I know, weird. Right? You would think it would be awkward, but I actually consider her a good friend. It just works). It just pains me to see all the love they give her and I get nothing. My husband was with her for a year... I've been with him for 5. I should also mention they talk countless amounts of crap about her behind her back too but when they see her they treat her like the queen of England.
As you can figure out by now, my in-laws are very toxic relationships in my life. I can't do anything about it because my husband is the love of my life so I just remain cordial and limit my amount of time with them. He knows what they say and do to me and he's on my side 100% of the time. They have treated him like crap for most of his life up until he had children so he gets it. Completely just crushed from the day, I was feeling like a worthless excuse for a human being. I mean, I must be nothing if there are people in my life who actually think this way of me, right?
One of our best friends there, knows the whole situation about my health and my in-laws. He knew what had gone on that day and I just give him a look and I say, "well, you still like me right?"... He could see I felt defeated. He wraps me up in a big bear hug and says.... "Don't you EVER ask me that again. Don't for one second question if I like you or care about you... I love you always. We are the wolf pack". All of you movie fans that have seen the Hangover, know what this is in reference to. That reminded me, hey.... Maybe your in-laws are jerks, but family isn't always blood. They are those who stick by you no matter what. He is part of my family.
Moving along through the night. My husband and I were heading to the parking lot to go to the bar down the street to meet more friends there. Some creeps were hollering at me making sexual remarks out of their car window. My husband, a very mild mannered, calm person... Flipped a switch. I've never seen him get that protective over me and started cursing them out. I didn't even hear what they said so I didn't know what happened. I said what's going on? And he said " they were disrespecting my you.. MY WIFE". This kind of made me smile inside... Not that I want him going around cursing at people, but come on ladies... You all know it feels good to see your man stand up for you in these situations
Moving along to the bar... One of my favorite cooks that used to work with us has suffered from extreme health problems. He has undergone brain surgery, had part of his scalp taken out for a few months and then reattached. He is now facing an upcoming heart surgery. He is in his mid 20's and has to walk with a cane and he cannot move his right arm. They told him he wouldn't be able to walk again but there he was, walking and defying the odds. I never knew the cause of this and always wanted to reach out to him but wasn't sure how to or if he wanted me to. Anyways, he called me over to talk and asked me how I was doing. He said he heard about my issues and told me he has been thinking of me a lot lately and also wanted to reach out to me but wasn't sure how to. He told me I am one of his favorite people and when he heard about me, he was really upset and sad. I shared with him my story and how my in-laws have been making me feel unworthy of living. He looked at me straight in the eye and said f*** them! Screw anyone in your life who is not supportive of you. You are an amazing person and have been given a second chance. He said I am a survivor and I should be proud and never ashamed of the past... Because that's what it is... The past. He said to look at him... He said I did this to myself too. This is my own fault so I know exactly how you are feeling with the guilt and shame. But we are here for a reason and it's a struggle but we can do it. Some days are hard and some are easy. He say every night "tomorrow will be better" and if it's not, he laughs and says "well, that didn't go as planned.... TOMORROW will be better". I could go on and on about this deep, heart felt talk but you get the point. Although, we were both very good friends at work and haven't kept in touch, we both were still thinking and praying for one another. Neither of us realized the other one cared so much and were rooting so much for each other. It just goes to show, we all have haters and cheerleaders all around us. We can have vocal haters and silent haters.... But we also have vocal cheerleaders and silent cheerleaders. He was my silent cheerleader that I never knew I had. This sober journey has shown light on who my haters and cheerleaders are. I can't let the haters drag me down. They are dead weight that need to be cut loose. But those cheerleaders... Man, once you find them, especially those silent ones... Hang on to them. THOSE are the people you surround yourself with. Life is too short to keep people in your life whose main pleasure in THEIR life is to root for you to fail. Those people are miserable and you know what they say.... Misery loves company.
This day was a roller coaster but I never reached for that bottle, nor did I want to even though I was at a bar surrounded by drunk people and alcohol. I am 115 days sober today with many more sober days ahead. It is moments like this and people like this that keep me going and make me realize I AM worthy. I'm worthy to be loved and to be happy. I will continue to embrace the people in my life who are there for me through thick and thin and I will continue to pray for those who wish me harm. They need love in their life just as much as anyone. Just remember, no matter how bad of a day it is.... Keep going. Your cheerleaders are all around you... Whether it be family, friends, this website, or even those silent Angels whom you never knew you had walking beside you the entire time.
Again, sorry this is long but if you finished reading the whole thing I hope I helped inspire someone to not give up. It will get better. Love to you all. Keep fighting the good fight❤️❤️❤️