My estranged father died
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 138
My estranged father died
I will be sober 3 years in September.
Most days have been easy. My support at home gets me they the rough ones.
Tonight I am absolutely white knuckled and my head is swimming.
My estranged father passed away 2 days ago.
At moments I am the blubbering 12 year old who was told they were being given up for adoption.
Others I miss the man i knew as I child....then I hate the man I knew. He was a violent alcoholic. He found his God and changed, but even as an adult, any interaction with him has been colored by the past chaos. We were pawns in their game. How do I let go...get past the anger and hate and the ensuing guilt...I want so bad to just drown it all out....
Most days have been easy. My support at home gets me they the rough ones.
Tonight I am absolutely white knuckled and my head is swimming.
My estranged father passed away 2 days ago.
At moments I am the blubbering 12 year old who was told they were being given up for adoption.
Others I miss the man i knew as I child....then I hate the man I knew. He was a violent alcoholic. He found his God and changed, but even as an adult, any interaction with him has been colored by the past chaos. We were pawns in their game. How do I let go...get past the anger and hate and the ensuing guilt...I want so bad to just drown it all out....
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,964
Congrats on your sobriety! I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose a parent. It doesn’t matter if you had a good relationship or a bad relationship or none at all. It leaves you grieving for the relationship you never had, unfulfilled dreams, never coming to peaceful terms, etc. I hope you are surrounding yourself with love and support. Grief therapy can be so helpful in processing a loss. I discovered things about myself that I never knew I felt. This too shall pass....
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
I am so very sorry for the loss of your father.
I will share my experience. My father died 5 years ago. My relationship with him was difficult, particularly the last ten years of his life. After he died, I spent about 18 months discovering the truth, and during that time, I was angry. It took that long before I began to grieve for him and it's only in the past year that I have recalled some happy childhood memories.
My suggestion is to talk to someone close to you or journal about your feelings. Know that all the feelings you have are acceptable and justified. Allow yourself to feel and to move forward at the pace that feels right. And, don't let your father's death take you back to drinking.
I will share my experience. My father died 5 years ago. My relationship with him was difficult, particularly the last ten years of his life. After he died, I spent about 18 months discovering the truth, and during that time, I was angry. It took that long before I began to grieve for him and it's only in the past year that I have recalled some happy childhood memories.
My suggestion is to talk to someone close to you or journal about your feelings. Know that all the feelings you have are acceptable and justified. Allow yourself to feel and to move forward at the pace that feels right. And, don't let your father's death take you back to drinking.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 316
I'm so sorry for your loss. Good dad or bad dad, to lose a parent is profoundly upsetting. Congratulations on your sobriety and not following that path. Get as much support as you can. Sending you a big hug.
I hope you don't let it be an excuse to drink. Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 421
3Wolves, I hear you. Losing a parent is pretty much always tough but often if there was trauma involved in one's upbringing it makes it even harder. So many more feelings that surface.
For me, what helped me get past some of it was talking about it. With friends, a counselor, even just writing it out on paper.
For me, what helped me get past some of it was talking about it. With friends, a counselor, even just writing it out on paper.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
i' m so sorry...so much unresolved makes it all extra complex. and having to give up on any hope you might have had, somewhere, that things could still be different or something beneficial, amending , said or done by him.
and sorry you are finding this taking you to white-knuckling. drinking would only increase the pressure cooker.
talking with a peer support group, or a grief counselor sounds like the best wy to help. and some physical exertion. even just a walk.
and breathing. conscious deep breathing.
i know. it sounds ridiculous. but it helps.
and sorry you are finding this taking you to white-knuckling. drinking would only increase the pressure cooker.
talking with a peer support group, or a grief counselor sounds like the best wy to help. and some physical exertion. even just a walk.
and breathing. conscious deep breathing.
i know. it sounds ridiculous. but it helps.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
3wolves, I'm very sorry for the loss of your Father.
In my experience, the only way to find inner peace is to forgive. Forgive your Father for your sake ... not his. This doesn't mean what he did was right, or that he didn't hurt you. He did ... that's on him.
Your feelings are all valid. I think it's healthy to acknowledge them, not drown them out. Drinking only extends the pain, keeps you in a state of turmoil. You deserve better than that for yourself.
Turn to your loved ones, a counselor or maybe journal your thoughts. Most of all, know you are not alone. Many have walked in your shoes.
I'm glad you came here and posted.
In my experience, the only way to find inner peace is to forgive. Forgive your Father for your sake ... not his. This doesn't mean what he did was right, or that he didn't hurt you. He did ... that's on him.
Your feelings are all valid. I think it's healthy to acknowledge them, not drown them out. Drinking only extends the pain, keeps you in a state of turmoil. You deserve better than that for yourself.
Turn to your loved ones, a counselor or maybe journal your thoughts. Most of all, know you are not alone. Many have walked in your shoes.
I'm glad you came here and posted.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
I have no advice because my parents are alive. I know I will lose my mind when they die, though.
My first love committed suicide after I initiated a break up. It broke me. Therapy was the only thing that helped.
It’s always hard - loss. It’s hard differently when the relationship is complicated.
Be gentle with yourself. Sending love.
B
My first love committed suicide after I initiated a break up. It broke me. Therapy was the only thing that helped.
It’s always hard - loss. It’s hard differently when the relationship is complicated.
Be gentle with yourself. Sending love.
B
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
I'm so sorry for the loss of your father and also for the pain of your past. Grieving is hard and overwhelming, but do not try to drown it out with alcohol. It won't work, and besides...that little 12 year old inside you needs you now. Drinking will create more pain, and there's already more than enough right now. I second seeing a grief counselor if you can. xo
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
3wolves - I'm sorry for your loss and all the accompanying emotions that go with it.
The impulse to drink is understandable but I think you'd be better off working through this.
drinking is not going to take away your pain, your anger or your guilt.
It's not going to solve the complex psychological contradictions of your relationship, and it's not going to bring you peace. ..
it will probably send you back down the same rabbit hole you finally got out of 3 years ago,
but if you stay sober you'll be open to all manner of paths & possibilities that will help you work through all this stuff and find peace.
We'll walk beside you every step of the way
D
The impulse to drink is understandable but I think you'd be better off working through this.
drinking is not going to take away your pain, your anger or your guilt.
It's not going to solve the complex psychological contradictions of your relationship, and it's not going to bring you peace. ..
it will probably send you back down the same rabbit hole you finally got out of 3 years ago,
but if you stay sober you'll be open to all manner of paths & possibilities that will help you work through all this stuff and find peace.
We'll walk beside you every step of the way
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 431
I haven't seem my mum in nearly 4 years. I don't hate her but I can't stand her and the BS she comes out with. I wrestle with this all the time and have tried via the telephone to restart communications. However, within 2 minutes she will have passed an opinion and I am seething.
Being any where near her puts me in a state of high anxiety. She is a miserable and overly critical person and her modus operandi is to share her misery. For years I had to suffer her yearly 2 week visits to where ever we as a family were in the world. It was torture but I did through duty and the misguided notion things weren't that bad.
Neither of my parents were the type to spare the rod and we got whipped with canes and such regulary. My mother was worse as she would also set about assassinating my character pointing out all my defects as a person and predicting future disaster.
Being any where near her puts me in a state of high anxiety. She is a miserable and overly critical person and her modus operandi is to share her misery. For years I had to suffer her yearly 2 week visits to where ever we as a family were in the world. It was torture but I did through duty and the misguided notion things weren't that bad.
Neither of my parents were the type to spare the rod and we got whipped with canes and such regulary. My mother was worse as she would also set about assassinating my character pointing out all my defects as a person and predicting future disaster.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 138
I haven't drank.
I logged in several times just to read posts here.
Thanks everyone. Your light helped.
Knowing there would be no relationship and then death cementing that, yeah, I grieve what I wish we had had. For years he was extremely critical of how we raised our girls. he had his chance, screwed me up good. Wasn't happening to my girls.
They would know they were loved unconditionally.
Being around the family during this has been surreal. I respect what he meant to them. Then I get mad that he never gave me that warm fuzzy.
Oh my. I'm ready for this to pass. My physical person is exhausted, I can't think straight....sewing for years and mess up on a 4 seam skirt twice. Yeah. The village is in an uproar.
Prayers of peace for us all. Thank you again for being here.
I logged in several times just to read posts here.
Thanks everyone. Your light helped.
Knowing there would be no relationship and then death cementing that, yeah, I grieve what I wish we had had. For years he was extremely critical of how we raised our girls. he had his chance, screwed me up good. Wasn't happening to my girls.
They would know they were loved unconditionally.
Being around the family during this has been surreal. I respect what he meant to them. Then I get mad that he never gave me that warm fuzzy.
Oh my. I'm ready for this to pass. My physical person is exhausted, I can't think straight....sewing for years and mess up on a 4 seam skirt twice. Yeah. The village is in an uproar.
Prayers of peace for us all. Thank you again for being here.
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