bunchie

I can see how a person who grows up in an underprivileged environment, ( one parent , two alcoholic parents, no parents foster homes, abuse, etc)how they become alcoholic , they obviously have inner demons gnawing at them on a daily basis. However on the other hand , how is it that some others grow up in a nurturing environment, all their wants delivered, showered with love and privilege , become alcoholic. This confuses me because what I am learning is that alcohol is a symptom of our inner turmoil, but on the other hand some people have no reason for inner turmoil. I am probably missing something, their turmoils might be due to overbearing parents, or not living up to sibling, or rich neglect trying to buy happiness. Any ideas , just wondering.

Dean1978

There's a great book called Biology of Desire by Marc Lewis (he was an addict for years esp cocaine) a neuroscientist who explains addiction very well. It essentially all comes down to how the brain wires itself, all of which is built from repetition and habit which explains why addictions transcend all backgrounds and wealth etc. There are some great videos of Ted Talks etc hes done. Well worth a watch.

I also dont agree Alcoholism has to come from torment.

Gerard52

Philip Larkin wrote a poem on parents which sums the situation up quite well.

PeaceInSilence

Hi Bunchie,

I wasted a lot of my early sobriety wondering why I ended up an alcoholic and my sisters didn't. We all grew up in the same household (single mother) and we were all treated exactly the same, so why me!? They're so lovely and well adjusted and I've struggled to feel "normal" since I can remember.

Fact is I'll never know the why's but knowing what I am has given me the ability to change. Knowing I'm an alcoholic has enabled me to find a solution and not ponder on the why's anymore and just move forward in my life.

Peace

MantaLady

One thing I have learned over the past 2 months at rehab is compassion, empathy and to be less judgemental towards other people. It is human nature to look at others and think their life is perfect or be envious of a life that you assume they have. None of us really know what goes on behind closed doors or how certain things affect certain people. We all have a right to our own feelings and our own stories and what can often stop people getting help are those that say to them "what have you got to worry about, your life is great, great family, lovely home, great upbringing" so they start to believe that they are not allowed to falter or be sad and begin to self-loathe.

Addiction does not discriminate, it can take anyone of us that it so chooses at any time. Not all addicts come from tough backgrounds, addicts are all kinds of people from all walks of life and end up in the grip of it for all sorts of different reasons. It's not for anyone to be judge and jury on wether someones reasons to end up in this situation are valid or serious enough, all that matters is they are here, I too am an addict and I know the way out. I will help and support and hold out my hand to them regardless.

Life is full of suffering, it is so easy to be blind to others suffering when you are consumed with your own. For me learning to not judge others is setting me free and opening me up to a whole new world, a better world.

Just my 2 cents! xx

bunchie

Mantalady,
I am not judging anyone I am just curious because I keep getting told alcohol is a symptom and the cause is our inner self not being able to deal with adversity, in AA they keep bringing up resentment, and fear, and self pity, but I do not believe everyone has these , I am a middle class person who grew up in loving household with an alcoholic father , I loved him even though he had his problems and he loved us , I just think this whole concept of addiction is so complicated, that it can not be boiled down to a recipe it's a myriad of issues which cause alcoholism in my opinion. I drank for the pleasure , I had a lot of fun, but after 38 years of binge drinking I have had enough , it's no longer pleasures left, I became alcoholic because I was selfish , I liked partying and did it every weekend, I denied it was a problem , but the hangovers and the self loathing started coming the last few years , and I realized my behaviour between binges was not normal, so I decided to stop. I am glad I found this forum because it is not as rigid as AA,and you get different opinions. As for the why , I am always chasing why ? Although I know my answer lies in my selfishness to get drunk every weekend because I had fun doing it , now it's no longer fun.It became a chore.

bunchie

Me too, I think there are all different reasons, I'm getting that book I find this stuff fascinating, I just wish I was not part of the subject matter, lol

MantaLady

Like you say Bunchie, there is no recipe it is a myriad of issues. Getting counselling or therapy usually leads to people realising that they do have resentments, fear and self pity but they don't recognise it. Fear of living a sober life and not being fun anymore, self pity as they want to stop but can't seem to do it "why me" and resentment towards others that can drink normally.

Another thing that is important to accept for me is the "why" doesn't really matter, it's the "what am I going to do about it" that is the most important. The "why" causes you to look backwards, when the best kind of recovery and the most effective is concentrating on the now, the present, not the past, not the future, just the now. That is where we can all find a bit of inner peace xx

The only analogy I can think that might make sense is lets say you tripped over a shoe in the hallway and broke your leg. What matters is accepting and knowing your leg is broken, and then working out how to fix it. Spending time wondering why you fell over the shoe, or why you didn't put the shoe in the hallway cupboard doesn't really help anything. Hope that makes sense lol.

bunchie

Thank you Mantalady, that does make sense, I am working on getting sober today day 18, I will get counseling because I have good insurance I might as well use it , and I think the one on one will help me early on and maybe help me make sense of AA and the steps, and the resentments, fears and self pity. Maybe I am in denial of those because I lie to myself? I have a good job, great kids , and wife, but if I continued to drink I would of lost them. I also know alcoholism gets worse it's progressive, and I think a counselor will help make sense of my confusion with AA right now. I understand we have to repair our brains, and we have to spiritually give ourselves up to higher power, but I think AA classifies us as all the same , in some respects we are as alcoholics, but how we got there is quite different.

mns1

I grew up typical middle class family had everything I could ask for but I ended up an alcoholic. My grandfather was an alcoholic but neither of my parents or my two brothers are. I think it started as me using it to “escape” a lot of problems I was dealing with in life. At this point though, I realize it literally is the sole source of all my misery. Not saying that I don’t have other issues I need to sort out, but drinking has prevented me from doing so in any positive way.

I spent a long time trying to explain to myself why I drank. I now realize that I drink because I am addicted to the effects produced alcohol. Period. There is no other reason in my life right now that I can think of for why I drink.

Or I should say “drank” since I’m on day 2 with no intentions to go back.

MantaLady

Congratulations Bunchie on day 18, the first few weeks can be a very testing time but your pushing through and keeping on the right path, it is so worth it and you won't regret your decision. You should be very proud of yourself, it gets easier I promise!

Also congrats to you mns, good move and if you are struggling at all then post, there are always good people here that will support you and lend an ear when you need them.

Best of luck both of you xx

entropy1964

Hey Bunchie
I think it sounds like you've summed up your causes and conditions quite nicely. My causes/ or AA causes/ etc etc don't matter.

There is a thing called analysis paralysis. I got to that point....just chasing my tail in a never ending circle of trying to 'understand' my addiction....possibly as a means to control it or cure it. It was exhausting. I don't believe that inner excavation is a waste of time, its part of the process, but I spent years on it. Now I've just decided its all done and dusted. Don't drink, no matter what. Learn to cope with life and grow the he!! up. That's me saying that to me, btw.

AA, fundamentally, believes that alcoholism is a spiritual malady for which there is a spiritual solution. I have a daily reprieve contingent upon my spiritual fitness. The steps are the process that help take one to that spiritual awakening and help keep them there. If that works for you, grab on and do what is suggested.

I know for sure one thing that works, don't drink no matter what. Don't change your mind.

MyLittleHorsie

For me, a learned coping mechanism. My parents have never drank much, in fact I used to get scared if my mom drank because her father was an alcoholic and as a teen, I didn't understand addiction, in fact I didn't know Grandpa was an alcoholic until my mid teens.
It went from something fun to do, I loved going to clubs, to something sinister. A bad marriage to an alcoholic, a new start with a new husband and small family, reminiscing about how much fun the party girl life was, maybe I could recapture it, BUT I didn't want the reputation that goes along with drinking, especially in a small town, one of my friends has the alcoholic label and the stories about her, everything from her being a lesbian to husband stealer - neither of which she is LOL, alcoholic yes, her ex husband put her through the ringer and I think she'd just as soon cut off a man's you know what as have anything to do with it. Everyone gossips about it, right down to the milk truck driver. (the guy who pick up the milk at the dairy farms and tests it) I drank in private, rotated my stores, very careful when in public. We would go away on hockey tournaments and have all the boys in our rooms, because we were the responsible ones. (insanity) So I had parties in my office - sad and pathetic.

I come from a nice upper-middle class family, social standing, university educated, have my MBA, horrible alcoholic, married to a man who bought a 6 pack on the long weekend in May and still has 4 left. If drinking could make me feel like a party girl occasionally, then it could make me forget I still loathed my ex, or that I wish I had taken an opportunity 20 years ago, instead of throwing it away, or maybe I could forget I didn't like my house. I drank to escape all the bad things, sobriety makes me see all the good things. I can thank my ex, he taught me a real lesson, if I had taken that opportunity 20 years ago - I'd have never met my husband, we wouldn't have our children, sure I hated my house, but it was perfect for someone else and I could hit the market in a sweet spot that saw my house appealing to buyers in a very large price point market, which turned into a bidding war and made it possible for dh and I to buy what is our dream home and property. Plus I made a boatload of money, padding our retirement fund

We can't control what makes us alcoholics, but we can recover and live very full lives. The past is best left there and just like one person's bottom is not the same as another, their journey both down and up will be different. Addiction doesn't discriminate.

KarltheheretiK

Everyone has inner turmoil. Just because you can't necessarily see that turmoil or any reason for it to exist in another person doesn't mean it's not there. Turmoil is a part of the human condition, period.

August252015

I've met people from every type of background, life, income level, race, gender, on and on....Alcoholism doesn't care.

I believe my alcoholism is genetics, predispositions or personality issues and mental health struggles like lifelong anxiety- these latter categories being the stuff that is indeed that inner turmoil (spiritual malady is another way AA puts it). Bottom line? It just IS.

I grew up with a very privileged life- and a raging alcoholic mother whose drinking stormed though our lives from when I was eleven on. There are plenty more reasons and aspects and etc etc....right now my brother is still in that heavy drinker category BB describes, has his own set of risks for crossing that line as I did and of course the genetics.

Whys wherefores and thinking through and whatever else I wanted to learn about myself kept me drinking a long time. Doing the things I needed to do so I could stay sober and life a recovered life were the critical things. Now I can learn about addiction and alcoholism in an academic or self educating way- but I always have to stick with the basics that acceptance of my alcoholism is, indeed, the key to solving all my problems.

trachemys

From my first drink, I was an alcoholic. I always drank, and drugged when I did, to get wasted.

To tell me that my addiction is some spiritual malady only makes me laugh.

I am a junkie.

FreeOwl

Trauma is trauma....

Anxiety is anxiety....

Depression is depression.....

People experience these in response to many, many different sources.

Some people respond to these in part by using substances....

Then those substances wind up creating MORE of these - and thus, the cycle is born.

Regardless how we answer the chicken-egg question, embracing sobriety stops the cycle and enables the person to address the demons that remain and live a happier, better life.

CCL

In your particular case, Bunchie, I would add this food for thought: Children learn what they live, far more than anything they're told. You said your father was an alcoholic, albeit, it sounds like a loving one. You are an adult male with a family. The primary way you know how to be an adult male is what you saw your father do, i.e., drink. It's part of your psychological make up.

There's also a theory that some people are allergic to alcohol and it's sort of an inverse allergy when you start drinking that makes you crave the stuff but if you stay off it long enough resuming drinking makes you deathly ill. Of course, being good hard core drinkers we just power through those puking migraines and shakes and keep on drinking until drunk feels normal and we're right back on that merry go round.

Easier to stay off the stuff.

SolidKarma

I think it's slippery slope when we try to define what 'causes' alcoholism. First off there is no concrete scientific proof what 'alcoholism' is in the first place.

If you read the big book one of the things it stresses is that people in the program are from all walks of life, would not normally mix. Thus alcohol touches all different types of people.

I didn't have any 'demons' that caused me to drink. I drank and used because I love the effect. Then after years of abusing drugs and alcohol, I tried to quit and realized I couldn't go more than 11 days without it. Not because I was fighting demons, because I had an overwhelming desire and obsession to get that effect again.

hope this adds some perspective.

bunchie

Thank you all , great replies, I am just having a hard time with spiritual malady being the cure all for alcoholism. I drank because I loved the feeling, I know people who drank for two years and became completely addicted and blackouts were prevalent almost every time they drank. In their case I believe they were predisposed by genetics to drink and they were allergic to it. In my case I had my first blackout 19 days ago , it's why I am here now. It took me 38 years of heavy weekend binge drinking to have a blackout, I wish I had one 38 years ago , I would of stopped earlier. Both cases are alcoholic , but different types of alcoholism in my opinion, and different ways of rectifying them