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This is not Fight Club

Old 08-08-2018, 04:27 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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No, Horn, it's not 'it is what it is'.

It's about all members following the rules so we can all benefit from the support here.
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Old 08-08-2018, 04:34 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
No, Horn, it' not 'it is what it is'.

It's about all members following the rules so we can all benefit from the support here.
.

I agree.
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Old 08-08-2018, 06:06 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Well said Dee!
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Old 08-08-2018, 06:19 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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We all have our strong views, which may be right or wrong.
Let's not let our egos run rampant.(As I did)
SR is community.
Dee and the other mods do very well.
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Old 08-08-2018, 06:38 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by bunnezjp View Post
Dang. I need to drop by here during the week more often.

~Bunnez
On the sideó

Hi. I lived in Grayslake for 25 years. Now in Lake villa. Kids go to Warren
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Old 08-08-2018, 06:48 PM
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I can’t tell you how much it meant to me when I finally found the site and figured out how to post on May 10 of this year, that some people actually read what I wrote and commented back. I didn’t even know about “likes“ until I got on my iPad or my computer, because most of the time I was on my iPhone and I didn’t know I could look at the desktop version of “likes” and avatars.

I was really screwed up then, had a relapse after 18 days, and came back after six days inside of a wine bottle.

I think the response was good from SR when I came back and fessed up. No actually the response was GREAT from SR.

Some of you asked me what led me to drink again

Some of you said glad to see you again

And sometimes I felt a little sensitive. And hindsight 20/20, I think if anyone said anything just a little bit off —what made me actually think about my drinking —besides my own little head —I could feel terrible—but it was okay.

Bullying? Judging? No no, please not here.

Honesty, food for thought? Great!!

Diagnosing? Prosthelitizing a certain way to recovery? No no, not here please.

Thanks Dee
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Old 08-08-2018, 07:14 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Oh geez. I’m sorry if there was something I said to a member that may not have been supportive. I am sometimes guilty of the tough love treatment, which does not work at all early in sobriety when people are already feeling the lowest of lows and harder on themselves than anyone else could be. I remember my therapist saying some things to me in the beginning that seemed pretty harsh and it did turn me away for a while. Thank you for the reminder. . I’m by no means a seasoned person in recovery. I still consider myself a newcomer
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Old 08-08-2018, 07:21 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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I think the AA dogma can be a bit much sometimes. I'm definitely not a fan of publicly shaming people for what they posted in the past. Dee and Anna, thank you so much for your vigilance, it is so sincerely appreciated.
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Old 08-08-2018, 07:24 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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BTW, do the moderators on SR message the folks they had to delete posts from? I'd want to know if I was on the Crap List for bad behavior.
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Old 08-08-2018, 07:36 PM
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Dee,

Thanks for continuing to monitor posts, and removing any that are hurtful, or unkind. I am sorry that you've had to make a post like this again.

I can share that I joined SR in 2012, and found amazing support. I relapsed after s bit, and when I returned some of the unkind posts made me not want to log on and be honest about my strugggles, which is the whole point of the Newcomers forum.

I now have been back and sober since January 1, 2016 and the support I have found on this site is absolutely amazing. I still check in daily, and I always try to offer supportive posts to at least a few in the Newcomers section, as well as I. Our 24 hour thread.

Anyone in Newcomers needs to remember how vulnerable someone feels posting, especially when first starting to grapple with getting sober. If you are frustrated with someone who may have relapsed again you also have the option of not responding to that post. Newcomers need support, not lectures or rants.

I am so appreciative of Dee and Anna, and all of the others who help to keep this site a wonderfully supportive environment.

Someone asked if Dee would message someone if they posted something inappropriate, and I can almost guarantee he would. I once responded to a post in the men's only thread because I was clicking in new posts, and Dee messaged me with a very kind post to make me aware of it.

Thank you to each of you who have supported me, and continue to. You are loved and appreciated.

❤️Delilah
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Old 08-08-2018, 07:52 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by KarltheheretiK View Post
BTW, do the moderators on SR message the folks they had to delete posts from? I'd want to know if I was on the Crap List for bad behavior.
I always try and PM someone if a post had been removed, unless they're a notorious repeat offender and know the rules better thn I do or I'm swamped and simply forget...

If you're new to SR, I'll try to PM you 100% of the time

And with respect its not about AA or dogma (or SMART and dogma or Rational Recovery and dogma) - its about being mindful of not only what we're saying but how we're saying it.

D
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Old 08-08-2018, 08:11 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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I would delete,or whatever, both threads regarding this exact same topic. It's not a very welcoming 'look' to have either thread. I understand you guys have to and do hold people 'accountable' to the the forum rules,ect..( hell..I've been pm'd before) BUT... Just my personal view is that both ,open threads, may also be a turn off for someone looking for help. My $.02.
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Old 08-08-2018, 08:39 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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I really want things to change around here. If two threads means we don;t have to do this exercise again and again every few weeks, so much the better.

Also, I'd rather read a thread like this that some of the posts we removed.

and finally...I think both Anna and I are clearly frustrated DR.

We get its part of the job but honestly - this is not what either of us signed up for.

Good look or not, sometimes mods need to vent too

D
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Old 08-08-2018, 08:42 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Good look or not, sometimes mods need to vent too D
I feel ya! Can I post an inappropriate comedy video in here to lighten the vibe? I'm kidding..kinda.
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Old 08-09-2018, 12:51 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by PalmerSage View Post
I think the AA dogma can be a bit much sometimes.
This ^
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Old 08-09-2018, 01:07 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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I just want to add that unlike Fight Club....

we're free to talk about SR.

I tell people about it all the time.



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Old 08-09-2018, 02:46 PM
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Originally Posted by PalmerSage View Post
I think the AA dogma can be a bit much sometimes. I'm definitely not a fan of publicly shaming people for what they posted in the past. Dee and Anna, thank you so much for your vigilance, it is so sincerely appreciated.
The quoting past threads has always turned me off, and there's a few here that seem to frequently use this as a form of "tough love" (not sure what else to call it because I'd like to assume it's being done with the best intentions) or respond with what I perceive to be a self-righteous tone. I've sometimes seen posters respond positively to this, but I can also understand why others would feel disheartened.

From my perspective...I'm embarrassed about my addiction. And, I know all my faults...every. single. one...believe me. I know exactly the amount of time that has gone by since I've been a member here, and don't want to feel even crappier that I still "haven't gotten it". I think that for many alcoholics, the issue of self-esteem plays a role. To me, bringing up the past and reminding me again of my mistakes/history is counter-productive.

Someone had posted before about banning the repeat offenders and I honestly thought about this for a while. And my feelings are that unless someone is completely out of line, that wouldn't be fair. So many of the views expressed here so far resonated with me and what I've been feeling when I've seen some responses to posts the last few months, but perhaps these "tough love" approaches help some people. Maybe they're not what I want to hear, or need, but maybe it's what someone else does?
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Old 08-09-2018, 03:26 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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srsly though this IS a touchy subject....

just like with my own sister I've had to lay down some very frank and honest realities and not coddle or cater to her manipulative alcoholic words and behaviors - there IS a time, place and sometimes it's absolutely THE RIGHT THING to be frank and tough with those who aren't getting it. Newcomers or not.

It's my view to do otherwise is actually to do them a disservice sometimes.

That doesn't mean shaming them, belittling them, being a jerk about it.... but part of the natural consequences of one's own addiction journey is getting called out, called to the carpet, told straight and 'suffering' the impact of your own bad choices, indecision and behavior.

but yeah... it's not Fight Club I totally agree!! More like Road House (Be Nice - until it's time.... NOT TO BE NICE).

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Old 08-09-2018, 03:36 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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I think a lot of people, quite understandably, get invested in other peoples stories and there can often be an element of saving someone which can led to a loss of perspective.

I can't save anyone but myself - but I will share my story in the hope my contributions and others stories can help someone else get out from under addiction

I don't see that anyone, even if they've posted here for years and have been in dozens of class threads needs to be talked down to or lectured, much less shamed or embarrassed.


That stuff never worked on me?

Firm talk maybe but lets not forget the love..

The quoting past threads thing is a tricky one.

I've done it before myself - after thinking whether it was the right way to go - and it's helped some folks see something they didn't see before...

but I agree it should never be a shaming tool or a club to beat someone else over the head with.

I'd never use it if there was any doubt in my mind it might hurt more than help and I think that's a good rule of thumb to go by?

D
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Old 08-09-2018, 03:56 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Linners820 View Post
The quoting past threads has always turned me off, and there's a few here that seem to frequently use this as a form of "tough love" (not sure what else to call it because I'd like to assume it's being done with the best intentions) or respond with what I perceive to be a self-righteous tone. I've sometimes seen posters respond positively to this, but I can also understand why others would feel disheartened.

From my perspective...I'm embarrassed about my addiction. And, I know all my faults...every. single. one...believe me. I know exactly the amount of time that has gone by since I've been a member here, and don't want to feel even crappier that I still "haven't gotten it". I think that for many alcoholics, the issue of self-esteem plays a role. To me, bringing up the past and reminding me again of my mistakes/history is counter-productive.

Someone had posted before about banning the repeat offenders and I honestly thought about this for a while. And my feelings are that unless someone is completely out of line, that wouldn't be fair. So many of the views expressed here so far resonated with me and what I've been feeling when I've seen some responses to posts the last few months, but perhaps these "tough love" approaches help some people. Maybe they're not what I want to hear, or need, but maybe it's what someone else does?
The line between compassion and enabling is a gray area. I know that while I was still actively drinking and relapsing, I was easily put off by what I perceived at the time as harshness or overly "tough" love.

With the benefit of hindsight granted by finally staying sober long enough for my head to clear, however, I had to admit it was the "tough love" posts that helped me the most in the long run. As FreeOwl said, not the ones with any intent of being jerky or mean-spirited, but often not saying what I thought I needed to hear at the time. I needed to be called out -- gently but firmly -- on my alcoholic thinking.

I see the overall environment here at SR as being quite compassionate and nurturing overall, and it seems to me the moderators are quick to put out any fires started by the rare post that does come off as jerky or mean-spirited.
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