Pajanickah

Through all the drama I went through yesterday, I'm suprisingly positive today. Getting ready for a 10 hour shift and realizing that now that I'm through the worst, I gotta plan for the best.

I have a positive outlook this time. I'm recgonizing some of the major triggers in my life and I plan to post them here with hopes that I can get advice on how how to work through them/bipass them.

Hoping for a drama free day.

Welcome to day 5, Nick.

Gerard52

Welcome to the journey. A positive outlook is vital and why some people remain calm and content in a situation and others see disaster and doom. Watch some Tony Robbins videos on youtube.

entropy1964

Hey Paj

Glad you are hopeful and feeling better. Day 5 is great.

I hope that you spend some time considering boundaries. I read your other threads and obviously the situation with the homeless guy could have been quite dangerous. There are ways to help people out without bringing them into your home. I'm assuming you were drinking when this happened so I do understand. I've done lots of crazy dangerous stuff while intoxicated. Just be careful.

I hope also you examine your side of the street with respect to him. He's in a desperate situation. Maybe an addict, maybe mentally ill, maybe both. He's also very vulnerable. To offer him a shower, food and then to sleep with him...then turn around and drop him back off on the streets? That's rough. I'm not saying he didn't behave in a sketchy way, I'm sure he did. But if you flip the coin he got a bit taken advantage of, ya know?

I detoxed a few times in a shelter for homeless addicts and those without insurance. It was a real eye opener for me. Homeless people, while responsible for their actions like anyone else, suffer in ways I didn't really understand. I still don't....how can I? But I have spent some serious time with people that live on the streets and its rough to say the least.

biminiblue

I'm glad you're staying sober, that's the #1 most important thing right now.

I agree with Fricka, I've done some spectacularly stupid things when under the influence and in the name of "rescuing" or "loneliness" or just seeming to be fun or adventurous.

I've had some really bad ish happen as a result of my dumb actions. I hope you will be able to avoid some of my consequences which cannot be undone.

Congrats on Day 5!

Pajanickah

I wasn't under the influence...

D122y

Paj,

For me the way it worked was it took about a month to get over the initial physical addiction.

The physical crave was strong. After that the mental ramped up.

That was a new hell on earth. It was an off and on nagging, event driven crave that still goes on today.

That is why folks relapse and otherwise mentally healthy folks need meds.

I am still learning to live without booze. Joe Walsh..Eagles...said it is like learning to live again.

Addicts crave for life.

I come here to remember why I quit. AA does this and offers tools for life management.

Bottom line, we addicts have the odds stacked against us unless we have a major lifestyle change and stay working at being sober.

The crave waits patiently in the shadows and it is doing push ups.

Thanks.

Anna

I'm glad you're feeling positive and ready to make this work.

Pajanickah

How exactly did he get taken advantage of? I had no intention to sleep with this guy. He was sexy to me, but everything that happened was initiated by him. I didn't even come out to hom until later that night because I was afraid of his reaction.

I gave him a choice to find a job, plenty of times, but there were days on end that he didn't even leave my house. Not once. All he did was play video games, smoke all my cigarettes, eat and watch TV. Yeah, I get it, the first week that's cool - you're just comingoff of the streets, but when you're pushing three weeks on not even entertaining the idea of getting a job - then that's an issue. He didn't even have an ID or a social security card, and when I offered to take him to get one he just didn't want to. How are you going to get a job without them? He also wouldn't even clean up after himself - even after I repeatedly expressed to him that I need a clear space. I can go on and on. He was hands down one of the laziest people I've ever met. He acted like this was his apartment and I was just living here. He was mad disrespectful and the only person who got taken advantage of, was me.

He was definitely mentally ill, but he was not an addict at all. He had ADHD and was depressed. I can somewhat see where you're coming from that he felt hurt, but I gave him several opportunities to take my hand and let me guide him, but he didn't want to budge. These are the exact words I said to him: "I've never been homeless, but I was very close and had a very incredible friend help me with a place to stay. It scared the hell out of me and forced me to work 70 hours a week. I don't understand why you wouldn't be terrified in a situation like that, because it definitely scared me enough to pull it together. " His reply was that he was never scared to live on the streets.

In retrospect, I probably scared him with my words, but I'm not about changing people, I've learned my lessons trying to do that. Now I just give you a little nudge and if you're not trying to better yourself in any aspect of your life then I don't have time for you. I'm not gonna force you to do anything, I'm just going to show you the door. My patience could have been very heightened because he was homeless and I didn't want to be taken advantage of, but he had no effort. None at all.

Even after all his faults, character defects and age, I truly liked the guy. He was charismatic, charming, smart, protective, funny, open minded, unfiltered and sweet. He always encourged me to be myself. He was very open to PDA in public (Which was so damn surprising to me coming from a bisexual 19 year old in the south.) and would often get vocal and aggressive with other men that who he thought be looking at me. He was always understanding when it came to anything except if it had anything to do with drugs or alcohol. That was the sexiest thing about him. He hated addicts. His reasoning for being on the streets was that he wanted to get away from his addicted family (I don't believe that, but those where his words). He just needed to be loved. Just saying that makes me really miss him. Really makes me sad - like it guts me. I would have given him the world if he would have just taken an inch of initiative to do ANYTHING but he was not proactive. It breaks my heart because I don't want to change people - they should want to change themselves because when you try to force change on anyone, they resent you for it.

I have a feeling he will be back one day because what we had (until the very end) was intense and amazing. One of those once in a lifetime experiences. If not, I know we'll always remember eachother and I'm totally fine with that. He was truly a good, lost guy but he broke my spirit in the very end and has caused me to not trust anyone right now and I resent him for that. I can honestly not wrap my head around it and it makes me believe that he had ill intentions the entire time and that the whole thing was some sort of trick or game. That really breaks my heart.

Im sorry I'm rambling, but it felt good to type that out. I know it sounds crazy, but those are my genuine feelings. Life is so weird.

Dee74

Back to plans - this is a good start

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)

D

Pajanickah

I'm going to make two plans a day until I'm comfortable with it. My two plans for today will be: 1.) Go to work every day no matter what. 2.) After Sunday, stay off Social Media for the rest of the year.

I say that with number two because there's a really important event this weekend that is live streaming on Facebook and I have to see it. I can't be there this year, but it's something I've been very a part of for almost 20 years. I also haven't been on social media in 4 days. Which is weird, so I've been finding it challenging to find other things to fill my time. SR has filled a lot of that time.

tekink

There might be some other things to plan, it took me a while to figure somethings out. I had to plan what to do when the urge to fold hit and also what caused me to want to fold so I could avoid that.

I've relapsed a bunch. Sometimes going out to club, sometimes days after going out. There were always situations that lead to these.

I love to dance, I and used to do a lot of clubbing. I was dancing sober and wrecking the floor long before I picked up a drink. It didn't take me long to realize that sober night out hearing some house music and dancing on the floor lead to me drinking a day or two later.

You mentioned working the restaurant industry. My wife and I have a wine bar,I know how that industry works. I cannot hang out in the dining room at work. I busy myself in the kitchen.

As an employee/server that's not possible but if the place you work is a drinking place you might want to plan things like only being there for the shift and bailing immediately. That dining room is really hard for me when every single person holds a drink. I get uncomfortable.
We know how servers barhop and drink after work.

I was bartending when I quit drinking, I was the day bartender, it made it easy to deal with all the liquor reps who just sat at the bar and drank with me. Those guys have GPS units from their bosses, and hanging out with bar owners looks good. Hanging and drinking got me deals! I was often drunk by noon.

A lot of my plan has to do with figuring out the situations where I'd pick up a drink so I could avoid those situations.

For me that meant not going out for a while. Really the entire first year for me was simply doing everything I could not to drink.

I really found it good to plan around situations that make me want to drink so I could either avoid them or be sure I had my own exit!

August252015

I work in the restaurant industry to, and I did during the worst of my drinking and now in the best of my recovery. I'd be happy to PM about it if you like.

I have found that multiple components to my recovery plan, starting with that work itself (AA for me) then thugs like mental health, exercise, sleep, different people places and things to use with my time etc all added to that.

Pajanickah

Just wanted to check in. Day 6, still sober. Feeling stronger everyday.

-Nick

Dee74

Congrats Pajanickah

D

biminiblue

Excellent news.

Pajanickah

So, I relapsed Last Friday and drank until Early Monday morning. I however didn't drink in my "normal excess", I'm not justifying the situation. I'm about 30 hours in from my last drink and I just feel embarrassed. I even went to work drunk Saturday and Sunday and continued to drink while I worked like a fool. Why am I playing with fire like this? What is wrong with me. It's like I didn't even think about it, I just started drinking all of a sudden. Luckily I didn't do anything majorly stupid except call an old "friend" out for acting like they didn't notice me. It's like I'm purposely trying to destroy everything in my life and it's very hard to take any sort of control over it.

How did this happen in such a short span of time?! Like I was doing well. Focused, driven. Smart then a week of traumatic events just destroys everything.

Of course the paranoia has set in, anxiety through the roof (I actually threw up this morning because I was so anxious- that has never happened to me before). It's almost paralyzing. Just the same thing over and over. To top it off, I haven't been this depressed in almost 15 years (yes I know alcohol is a depressant- that's why this is so crazy to me.) So. Much. Shame.

Ya'll I need some encouragement.

-Nick

least

I'll encourage you to make a plan for sobriety. You've got to have a way to get thru tough situations so you don't give in and drink. Make a plan and implement it. Drinking is like playing Russian roulette. One of these days it will kill you.

You went to work drunk. How did you get there? Were you drinking and driving? That's a big Bad right there that could ruin your life, or someone else's life. I hope you'll get sober before something awful happens.

Gerard52

So much energy and suffering spent going through repeated stop and starts.

Dee74

I'm glad you didn't drink as much as usual Nick but I remember for me that was always more down to luck rather than good management.

I think this time it really is imperative you make a plan Nick.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

Pajanickah

So at this moment, Im pushing about 54 hours sober. The anxiety faded over night, however I did not sleep well. I didn't really have a withdrawal, just really amped up anxiety.

I had a really amazing day today (work wise - I tend to make work my life and am starting to see that's part of my addictive/OCD pattern). I had to wait on an auditor for the company I work for and was critiqued. I recieved a 100% critique - something that has never been done in that hotel since they opened in 1983. I was very proud of myself and it gave me a great confidence boost and relieved some depression going on. I've been working in the hotel/restaurant industry for almost 17 years. It's something that I'm EXTREMELY passionate about and will definitely become my retiring carrier. I have now finally found the place where I want to retire and have endless opportunities to succeed and thrive in, so I feel extremely blessed about my place of employment. I'm also really good at what I do and I know it. I'm not trying to be cocky in anyway, I'm actually really humble about it, but I really own and love what I do. It's weird hearing a server say that! This is a really big motivation for me to stay sober.

I did not drive to work drunk during the weekend, I took an Uber. One of by biggest stances about drinking is to NEVER drive drunk - no matter the situation. It's probably the only smart thing that I do when I drink. I recieved my first DUI about 12 years ago and did not drive again until about 4 years ago. During that time I was in the worst of my drinking and found it to be beneficial to not drive until I was sober. That took me 8 years to achieve. Again, that was probably one of the smartest decisions I have ever made while drinking.

I've been coming here a lot the past few weeks and that's definitely a major shift from my past behavior in how I used this forum. It's the first thing I read qhen I wake and the last thing I read before I sleep. I've obsessively been reading posts for hours a day and haven't even watched TV for more than three hours over the past two weeks, so there is definitely a shift happening here.

I'm noticing that I'm starting to get to the stage of letting go and moving on from the trauma I went through over the last month. It's really not that easy, and I recognize it's going to take me a few months to fall back into a "normal" way of life again - Basicly to where I was before July 4th.

I've recognized that my biggest trigger from what has happened to me was the guy I let into my house. I'm not gonna lie, I really liked him - actually, I liked him a whole lot and I can't believe I did that to myself in a sober state of mind when I actively knew what was probably going to happen. I wanted to rescue him and help save him from living a life on the streets. I now realize that it wasn't my place to be his superman. The smartest thing I realize now is letting him go early on before I was full blown in love with him. If it hurts this bad after such a short time together (about a month of constant side by side codependency), then what would it feel like a few months down the road? That's a scary thought and I'm proud of myself for making that adult decision. This is the first time in my life I Iet someone go. I probably hurt him too, but I truly did not want to. He really cracked my heart, not fully broken, but cracked.

I haven't seen nor heard from him in over a week, so I'm really (not really) hoping this is it for now. It hurts less everyday, and i'm finally starting to come to terms with it. I will miss him though and hope one day when we both are in different places in our life that we can make amends with eachother. I HAVE to be fine with that or I will continue to relapse. I see that clearly now.

I'm not really worried about my family, because I know they will always love me. They just want to see me better and will keep their distance from me until I reach that place. I get that and Im not upset with them in anyway for that.

You guys are right, I need to get a firm plan, so here is what I have written down in the past day.

1.) Stay away from social media.
2.) Work no matter what.
3.) Form a good diet plan and lose the rest of this weight.
4.) Pray every day
5.) Involve myself actively in the gay community.
6.) Get into therapy
7.) Recognize the minor things in my life and let them go.
8.) Remove myself from actively using people in my life.
9.) Practice gratitude/forgiveness more.
10.) Have a strict sleeping regimen.
11.) Take 2 days off a week and stop obsessing over money and my job.)
12.) Only give attention to people that really matter to me.
13.) Get out of my apartment on my days off.
15.) Keep my living space clean with less clutter and a mise en place outlook.
16.) Find three sober friends in recovery
17.) Find three sober friends not in recovery.
18.) Remove myself immediately from all negative people in my life.

Seems like a lot, and I'm sure it's not perfect, but I feel it's a good start. I know I don't have any recovery groups in there. I don't want to go the NA/AA route. I did it for several years and it did not work for me. It actually was a huge trigger in my first relapse. Maybe after a few months, but I gotta be comfortable with going back to the rooms and I don't really see it in my future again. I do, however, want to get information on SMART recovery and how it's different from NA/AA. I've heard several positive things about it and I'm a little intrigued.

Well that's the rough draft of my plan, please weigh in with any thoughts or advice
in guiding me to the right route with this plan.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful evening!

-Nick