4thegirls

Or rather, the miracle and MADNESS. Yesterday was my five thousandth Day One but today is only about my fifth Day Two. That I made it here today is nothing short of a miracle. On Sunday, after seven months of caring singlehandedly for my business, my daughters and attempting to home school my sixteen year old deal while both caring for my 91 year old narcissistic mother AND discovering she wrote me out of her will, having my bank accounts cleaned out three times by creditors, developing pain in my right side, abdomen and uterus, developing acid reflux, fighting nightly insomnia, I almost drank myself to death on Sunday morning, got into my car and drove away, not planning to come back. I sat at the lake and, after about twenty minutes, pictured my daughter's sweet face and how hard she struggles with a mom as an alcoholic, a dad as an unemployed and homeless dry drunk and myriad other issues. I turned around and went home and I promised her, "It will get better now.' I made it through yesterday ok, but right now I am a wreck. I feel like I lost my best friend and my partner and everything I need. I am lost, scared, terrified, with my throat and stomach in knots, hanging on for dear life. That promise of "just one drink," "just one glass," "just one to get through the withdrawls:" it is so horrible to battle this thought! Why can't alcohol be like anything else we try to do? Walk a little the first day and work up to running a marathon? Or cut out sugar a little at a time, or cut down on the number of cigarettes? Why is it that if I drink one drink I will die? There is no question whatsoever that I am going to die if I take one more drink. I'm going to leave my daughter's sweet little heart behind to fend for herself. Why is there even a question about doing it? How the hell did I get here where I could even entertain the thought of exchanging my motherhood for a glass of wine? And not even GOOD wine, cheap dollar a glass wine out of those evil little Walgreen's bottles, day after day after day, hidden in my purses, the file cabinet, behind my bookcase, under my bed, behind the curtains.... How did I, with all of my faith in God, and family, with a huge education and talent and love and patience and kindness and a total understanding of what is important in life...how did I get here? And how do I walk into the future from this horrific Day Two? How do I do this? It is all I've known for 20 years. Get up, work, drink, work, drink, work, drink, lie awake in fear of death and shame. Wake up. Repeat.

doggonecarl

Congrats on making it to a second day sober.

Same way you drank...one day at a time.

They all won't be as horrific as day 2.

boreas

Many congrats on getting through day one. The early days are rough.

There are so many questions in you post. For me, my decision to get sober was just that. No more drinking. Almost a year in, I’m glad I didn’t try to figure it all out at the beginning. Drinking had left me in no mindset to solve problems or make great spiritual leaps. Thinking it through has come with time as my body, mind, and spirit healed. I was able to embrace each change as it came. Great shifts take time.

One thing I held on to was that I had to change. The rest comes with time. Be patient with yourself.
-bora

VigilanceNow

I feel your pain, having gone through many, many day one's myself. It feels like a recurring nightmare. For now, try to remain calm and realize that day 2, day 3, and probably day 4 will be difficult, and there is very little that can be done about that. This is when your anxiety is heightened as your body attempts to regulate its mechanisms without alcohol in your bloodstream.

We've all been in that agonizing state of mind where one could just literally bash one's head into the wall; WHY did I let it get this bad? How did I not see it as it was happening and put a stop to it? Why can't I just be a normal person?!

None of these questions has an immediate answer. You are not a bad person, you are not broken, and you are not hopeless. Powerless over alcohol? Yes, as am I. Hopeless? Absolutely not.

For the next few days, I would suggest focusing on rebuilding your strength physically and taking care of your body. Drinking makes us so numb to everything that we forget the physical ravages it inflicts on our mortal bodies.

Do you have a plan of recovery in place? Are you engaged in any kind of program? Very few of us can achieve sobriety alone. There is a reason programs like AA, SMART Recovery, etc are so successful: they offer a network of support, understanding, and accountability to those who wish to get better and who are willing to do anything to achieve sobriety.

What concrete steps are you willing to take?

Ladysadie

OMG! You are a Saint! Just fight your way to sobriety, a much better life once you put your demons to rest. Seriously you are awesome! You've taken on the nightmares of others. Please be kind to yourself, for you deserve it. Sobriety will show you the way.

InApickle

Telling myself I would never drink again was the reason I could never stop.
Once I told myself I can drink again the panic reduced internally.

One day turned into two days and so on and so forth until 3 months had passed.
The thing is you want to do this for your daughters so here is your focus, try telling yourself you wont drink whilst they are at this vulnerable age and you can drink again when they have happily left home and sorted with their own family. By then you simply might not be bothered to drink again, but by then lots of water would of gone under the bridge (so to speak)
Some people can just stop after years of abuse, I was one that couldn't just do that whatever the weather, I have a different problem, one totally opposite to yours, but if you can take this focus and abide by it you will find the urges do simply disappear in time.

Never give up giving up!

Best wishes.

Verdantia

Hi there 4. The first days are rough but if you power through them it gets easier and your life and health will become infinitely better. I thought I was a hopeless case but with a solid plan and lots of help from the compassionate, caring crew here at SR I am working on my 32nd month of sobriety. You can do this too. I hope you stick around here, post often and do whatever it takes to get and stay sober.

JustTony

4theGirls,

What an immensely powerful and moving opening post. Please know you touched a persons soul with your words? A person that lives thousands of miles away on the other side of the Pond.

It’s clear you’re a very intelligent, erudite, emotionally intuitive and caring person. Please don’t give up the fight. After just one post I can see you would be a tremendous loss to the World.

Would you consider joining the August Class thread in this section? We’re all people that are giving up this month and supporting each other.

I would love to see you there. I’m sure we could support you and your support by way of reciprocation would be much appreciated too.

Strength to you.

Tony

bunchie

Your post was so heart wrenching I can feel your pain, I am hoping and praying for you , your post hit me so hard, I wrote a post earlier today about self loathing , and after reading your post I realise I do not have it so bad and I should stop beating myself up. This forum at SR has been so responsive and helpful to me I am so glad I found it. I hope you stay and get through day 3 tomorrow and continue on your sober journey , your life will change and you seem so intelligent and caring I know you can get through this , I am on day 16 actually 17 now and the first week was the hardest , not that I have my demons defeated but I am on my way, I learned here and at AA that our drinking comes from our inner self it's a product of our inner turmoil and once we confront it and change our ways and become honest with ourselves we will building a new sober life , it just takes time, work , and patience . God bless you

PeaceInSilence

4thegirls,

Getting to day 2 is an amazing achievement! I was in the exact same spot as you a year ago thinking how have I ended up here AGAIN!? The love for my children couldn't keep me sober and I hated myself so I thought what is the point!? But it can be done, keep putting one foot in front of the other, second by second, minute by minute....but look at options available to you now for support. You need that!

Weeks will soon go by and you'll get further away from this feeling you feel now.

Peace.

CaptainHaddock

Hi 4thegirls, keep at it. The incessant thoughts of drinking should become much less unbearable in just a few more days’ time. When I first got a good stretch of sober time under my belt, I could barely believe that I had managed to do that. For me the relief of having rid myself of those cravings was in a sense comparable to how it must feel to have fought and escaped the earth’s gravitational pull.

Caralara144

First of all I'm sending you a big hug ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤💓❤💛
I think your absolutely fantastic
Your post actually had the tears streaming down my face ...
Like you I give it all up for my little daughter and I don't regret a single minute of it
I can tell you now it will get easier
I'm 7 months sober
And I love it ❤
Your strength will come
It's already here it's tough cookies at the beginning but I promise it will get easier
Hold on tight huni
You can do this
Rooting for you
And praying for you
Much love
Cara xxxxx

Dee74

Honestly the way out of that cycle is

Get up, work, don't drink, work, don't drink, work, don't drink,sleep soundly no fear or shame.. Wake up. Repeat.

I seem to remember you're doing this on your lonesome - maybe it's time to change that - even if it's commiyyign to poisting here daily or more than daily for say 3 months??

Everything you want a drink commit to coming here first, posting about it - and staying around to read the responses?

D