eagle83

I had a minor slip up 30 days ago after 6 years sober. In those six years I didn’t really do anything to stay sober besides not use. Anyway now my addiction feels full blown after a minor slip up. Cravings all day and thoughts of relapsing. I don’t want to and I am scared to but the thoughts just stay with me. Then when I go to meetings these thoughts are magnified times 100. I just don’t know if AA is right for me. I’m torn I don’t know what to do. I want to stay clean but I am scared of relapse. Actually obsessing about relapse. When I tell people in AA they say it is the mental obsession. But I don’t think. I think it is more of a fear.

Anna

I'm glad you're concerned about the relapse and are making a plan. I'm not an AA person, but you should do whatever you think will work for you.

nez

I know the fear. What are you doing to address the fear? I don't know when it happened for me, but at one point in working the steps, the fear was no longer there and hadn't been there for awhile. When I did finally realize it, I felt peace wash through me. What a blessing and incentive to continue on my journey, feeling that I was headed to where I wanted to be. Happy, joyous, and free!

MindfulMan

There are other alternatives as well, particularly if you're feeling being triggered by AA meetings. Rational Recovery, AVRT, LifeRing, Cognitive Therapy, outpatient therapy, meditation, mindfulness, journaling, online groups, MeetUp groups....

Check the Secular Recovery forums.

AA didn't work for me. The meetings were great for me in early sobriety but working the steps just felt wrong for me. Now that's just me, there are a lot of people here who have built a strong recovery on AA. It just wasn't my road.

Going in with an open mind is great, and I highly recommend it. That being said, recovery isn't AA or nothing.

The AVRT model would say your addictive voice (AV) is working you with "AA makes me want to drink anyway, and if I can't do AA and have these strong cravings, I have no choice other than to drink."

Of course you have a choice. You've made it 30 days after a "minor slip up," so just make it 30 more. And so on.

You can do this.

tomsteve

have you thought about working the steps along with going to meetings?
meetings are great, but going to meetings and not drinking dont help us recover.


When I tell people in AA they say it is the mental obsession. But I don’t think. I think it is more of a fear.

maybe its the mental obsession- not being able to stop thinking about drinking- causing fear?

eagle83

Yeah I have been trying to work the steps but it just doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel like I belong.

Gerard52

You don't need to follow AA exactly to get benefit. I am not doing the steps well not formally, I think about them though and how they may help my situation. I find just attending meetings helps it focuses my mind.

Apart from AA there is also SMART Recovery CBT tools.

eagle83

Yeah I have been trying but I feel so awful. Thoughts and feelings constantly and when I try to control them they get worse. I only sleep like three hours a night.

VigilanceNow

It sounds to me like you need to try something drastically different. It is absolutely true that recovery is not AA or nothing, though I have certainly been to meetings where that was preached relentlessly. On that point, since AA is a free and accessible source of support, are there different meetings in your area that you could try? I live in a city, so literally at any given time of day there is a meeting somewhere. The first few I tried were not for me; the people were all wrong and the message was delivered in a way that didn’t resonate with me. I eventually found a group that I really connected with. There’s a lot of diversity in AA, but you have to be willing to put yourself out there to appreciate it.

That said, maybe it’s time you tried outpatient treatment? It sounds like you need some kind of structure in your recovery or you’re going to slip. The fear you have is a healthy one, but you don’t want it to overshadow work on your recovery. Fear, after all, will fade eventually, and if you’re not ready to forge on wth some recovery tools, I think a relapse is inevitable.

I hope you find the right plan!!

eagle83

I do have some tools in my chest. Therapist, doctor, family support, smart recovery online. It’s just my mind keeps coming at me all day. I don’t know how to stop it.

MindfulMan

My outpatient rehab was cognitive based, and it was pretty much life changing. It gave me tools to recognize distorted thinking and replace these thoughts with more rational ones.

Try googling CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and see if it resonates. You don't have to do this through a rehab. In general it can be very useful in treating GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) without medication, as the most effective anti-anxiety medications can be severely addictive.

Berrybean

What does your sponsor say? How did you get on with step 1? That's the foundation stone. Do you remember how alcohol had affected your life before you stopped 6 years ago? After your recent experience you obviously know how quickly it gets it's mental hold back once alcohol is introduced.

It might also be worth trying different meetings, and also arriving early and staying behind to help set up and clear up. That's when we start to feel like part of a fellowship rather than a houseguest. I also found conversations a lot easier when I was doing a shared task with someone, like washing the cups up after the meeting or setting out the chairs before hand. Less eye contact involved and a different kind of silence in the pauses I suppose.

One month isn't so very long, although it probably feels like it. I suppose that's where there's some wisdom in the 90 meetings in 90 days suggestion. It gets people past the "I feel like an outsider" stage.

Please give it some more time. Esp if you have no other options sorted out just yet.

There is a useful 12-step recovery area on here, plus the speaker recordings are realky useful when working through the steps. If you're trying to do this without a sponsor please don't. It's too important for that. Even if you ask someone to be a temporary sponsor while you get to know people better.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery.

eagle83

Thanks for your response. Can it be done without aa though? I just have trouble committing.

Berrybean

I wouldn't want to try to work the steps without guidance. Besides, its something that we do daily so not committing probably isnt going to serve you well. We get out of out step work what we out into it. It isnt something you do, then finish. Steps 10 - 12 are kinda guidance for living and are ongoing. The days I don't connect or do my daily AA prayers tend not to go so well.

However, that's just me saying what I think. It's probably worth starting a thread in the 12-step area to get some more feedback on this.

BB

brighterday1234

Do whatever you’ve got to do to stay sober. Crucially you need to get that psychic change/spiritual awakening/massive personality shift imo to lose the obsession to drink/use.

You can use AA how you want. Read the book and work through the steps ASAP. You may need somebody to work through with whose in AA or you may not. It all depends on your insight, honesty, ability to understand the book etc. Do whatever is going to keep you engaged and positive towards recovery.

Crucially don’t ever feel like you’re out of options. It simply isn’t true. If you want to remain sober you will find your way. Always worthwhile to check in with professionals regarding mental health as when that’s stable then things appear so much clearer and much of the fears subside.

tomsteve

yes, you can get sober without AA. however, the trouble committing thing has to be addressed no matter which route you take.

eagle83

I can commit. I just don’t know what to commit too.

tomsteve

do you know the program has to offer you? do you know what promises can materialize by working the steps? theres a LOT more promises than whats typically read at meetings.

can you explain this a little more:
. I don’t feel like I belong

might be able to help ya iffen we understood it a little more.

eagle83

It’s just I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in the rooms. Nothing against it for those that it helps. It’s just hard for me to commit to.

brighterday1234

Meetings don’t keep you sober, the 12 steps and the fit spiritual condition that comes from these do. If you live the 12 steps meetings aren’t a necessity. Like I say it’s all in the book. However over time People’s opinions change on meetings. I go because I enjoy them but I don’t need meetings to keep me sober. However many people in AA do and it all depends on the individual. Honesty, open mindedness and willingness is what’s required regardless of the program. Sobriety has to be no1 priority for an alcoholic to stay sober .