Day 14: Have few questions on my behavior
 

Hi everyone:

I am on Day 14, and actually feeling so much better physically and mentally. However, when I was drinking, my arguments with my wife consist of, about my drinking, my behavior while drunk, or not remembering what happened or said a night before. We have been married for 14 years, and have 3 kids, 2 boys 13 and 11, and my little girl who is 8. Now that I am on day 14 sober, I find myself irritated with her about little things even though I am sober. I snapped at her couple of times this week when she doesn't stop going over and over again about small issues around the house, not big stuff, just small stuff. I feel like I can't deal with her nagging about little things while I am recovering. I know I love her so much and appreciate she has been doing for me and the kids for the last 14 years, and also having been put up with my drinking for the past few years.

The million dollar question is, am I irritated because I am recovering and have a short temper during this process? or something else.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Does this get better? Funny thing is I don't have any desire for alcohol, may be annoyed and have a deeper resentment towards her for certain things over the years.

Thank you all for your support for the past 14 days, and everyone here is awesome.

Congratulations on two weeks Rover!

It's not really possible to answer your question without being there but you are likely to be feeling some stress as you have removed alcohol and you body will be adjusting. I would let it go for now at least.

In early recovery, emotions are often quite raw and out in the open. The longer you're sober, the more stable you'll become.

Hello,
I went through something similar with my husband, in the first 3 wks, I just would wake up in the worse mood and tried my best to look at things positively. I have been with him for 11 yrs and we have 2 beautiful kids. Good news is, it got better. I am on Day 58 today. I have faith you too will overcome this. Your spouse is your #1 supported, I know my husband is, he has been putting up with me for all of it, the good and bad. I thought about that when I saw myself in a bad mood and I could not understand why. Keep your head up ;). Congrats on 14 days! It gets better as the days go by. ~Dee

The first few weeks, emotions are definitely all over the shop. I look back at that time and I see I was like a ping pong ball. It took a while to understand what my baseline normal really is (like 6 months to settle down and 12 months all up to see the full picture). Just keep talking to your wife so she understands you appreciate her for all she's done and doing, and are trying hard.

I was SUPER irritable in the first few weeks. And normally, tense situations (like bickering with my husband) would send me running for a drink, but instead I was forced to just deal with it, so it was doubly hard. It gets better. :)

In my experience, I was irritable and sometimes depressed during early recovery because a lot of deferred emotions and memories came rushing back about the times I had behaved horribly. The guilt was overwhelming and sometimes it still is, even two years later.

I would venture to say that it is a combination of things, many of which you may not even be cognizant yet. People in early sobriety are all different, but typically have one major thing in common: the emotional roller coaster. One day it feels like anything and everything is possible, and the next it might feel like the world is a hopeless place and why bother. Irritability and lack of patience is definitely common as we learn to navigate the world and all its people without the possibility of numbing ourselves.

Another factor for me was dealing with people who had never struggled with alcohol addiction. I found it impossible to explain that while I felt a rejuvenating sense of freedom and accomplishment in sobriety, I was also paradoxically dealing with a sense of loss; the loss of that part of my life in which I would drink and feel a kind of excitement and loss of self. (Don't get me wrong; that brief feeling of excitement was NEVER worth the aftermath.)

I too am in early sobriety and get frustrated easily and find myself either annoyed that people don't congratulate me enough, or annoyed that they congratulate me too much to the point of feeling patronized, haha! Living a life of extreme highs and lows can make a person irrational sometimes, I guess. I would suggest you engage with a group of people who have been there, like AA or another sobriety group. They really do wonders in keeping me humble, realistic, and just letting off some steam when I feel misunderstood.

We have to believe it gets better!! :)

Thank you all for wonderful responses. After reading all the responses, I feel like I am all over the map at times with my emotions and irritability. She is a wonderful wife, and doesn't understand what it is like to be recovering from alcohol and thinks that now that I have alcohol out of my system, I should get right back into things like a normal person. I am far from normal after 14 days.

It takes a lot of patience in early recovery because emotions are all over the place. And, it's very hard for others to understand what we're going through. It will get better, so try to be kind to your wife and to yourself.

My mother thought abstinence equaled recovery. Most people can't understand. Try to be kind to those you love. Remember they love you for a reason.

RoverVA I think it is far too early to be able to answer these questions.

I would however focus on the irritation you are feeling and make a conscious effort not to vent that emotion to your wife. She will have been deeply affected by your drinking. To gain focus on this it is worth looking at AA Step 4 and creating a moral inventory and list all resentments you feel.

Think of your recovery like a new life. Two weeks in, you’re in an infancy. Try to be patient with her, it sounds like you are. Give yourself the same patience. You may find with time that instead of resenting her quibbles, you agree with her. But you have to let yourself get there.

I was super irritable in early sobriety. I tried to be conscious of it so I could catch myself when I felt the rage build up.

In addition to agreeing with the others about my emotional process....in my experience I found a NEW normal. It wasn't about getting back to normal, i.e. Like perhaps your wife means or you are thinking . My drunk self, and even my pre alcoholicly drinking self simply weren't people I could or wanted to return to being.

And as I changed so did my role in relationships. The Big Book of AA talks iin depth about "the family afterward." Everyone in an alcoholic family had a role. And when the alcoholic him/herself gets sober, everyone's roles change. that takes a while and is not simple to work through. And most people struggle with spouses, or other non alcoholic family members understanding at all or "enough." Perhaps your wife would consider a support group for significant others like Al Anon.

Early sobriety is not easy physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually- in any way. Keeping sober is the only way to take care of you first, then work on evolving relationships.

I totally concur with August on the role of the family in recovery. There is a huge change in roles even when someone who is chronically ill gets better, and it affects everyone. People grow accustomed to certain behaviors and when they are removed, even when positive, there's a big adjustment.

As far as what you're going through in acute withdrawal, I think it's to be expected that you're irritable, angry, sad, confused, etc. First of all, when we stop drinking or any other addiction, we no longer have that escape valve from stressful situations. Feeling angry at your spouse? Drink yourself into a stupor, and you won't feel that way any more! Of course you won't feel much of anything about anything, but it's I certainly did. Second, when we stop any sort of sedatives, including alcohol, our nervous system is used to outside stimulation of the GABA receptors (and others with alcohol), so the natural production of GABA is decreased AND the cortisol receptors increase. GABA slows things down, cortisol speeds things up. So when the substance is removed, we're left with less GABA and more cortisol receptors. The body and mind is revved up and stressed and has no way to calm itself. In initial recovery from large amounts of alcohol over a long period of time this can lead to symptoms like DTs, seizures, extreme agitation, sweating, tremor, spiked blood pressure and pulse rate, etc. However it takes time for the receptors to SLOWLY reset themselves, often months, so when the initial symptoms subside the agitation can remain. Even if not formally labeled as PAWS, the brain and nervous system doesn't recover overnight from being washed in chemicals for long periods of time.

I found that any irritability and depressive symptoms slowly resolved over the next year. If they continue, it's not a bad idea to see a psychiatrist to see if there are any other underlying issues that can be treated with medication that may help you through the process, I had to deal with my bipolar disorder. Talk therapy and/or working the 4th Step can help deal with any past trauma that you might be having triggered by your spouse and working through any resentments that you may have.

It only gets better and easier, my friend. One thing for certain is that drinking doesn't help to resolve anything.

With me, we got so used to fighting that it became normal to always be carrying on about something. Once you get used to that type of behavior, it's hard to think it's okay for things being normal, calm, easier. Still I find myself being too negative, too condescending, always waiting for the other shoe to drop, looking for an underlying motive. That is my deep underlying issues, but it's also how we have seemed to be. Every day I make a conscious effort to filter my thoughts before they come out the mouth. He on the other hand finds it hard that I can remember things now (not being drunk as usual) he finds it hard to give me credit for much of anything. Oops I am taking his inventory.
Addiction is hard on every aspect of any type of relationships you have. Marriage takes the hardest beating, then kids, then closer family, etc. At least it's been this way in my life. My drinking had affect on people I had no idea would take offense to it. Three years later, some are just coming back to give me another try. Just my take on it. Lord knows I am not an expert on this at all.

looking back I feel like I was more 'crazy' in early sobriety, than when I was drinking. Not to say I was normal while drinking at all. I think it's the confusion of how to feel/think/act/ect..with no crutch or excuse. AA really helped me find some balance in the begining. Your thoughts and emotions will get clearer in time.

Thank you all. I really appreciate it. I am trying to control my responses to certain aggravations, not to escalate the situation. She is also doing better recognizing my mood. Looking forward to more stable emotionally days...

It took some serious sober time til my kids trusted me again. But they did when they saw I meant it. It took time and I had to be patient, with myself and others. It will get better. :)

One thing you can do to help your recovery is to practice gratitude every day. It will strengthen your sobriety and can make you happier too. :)

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0