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My husband....again (VENTING POST)

Old 08-05-2018, 10:55 AM
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My husband....again (VENTING POST)

Ugh....my husband.

He continues to drink excessively. I know I canít control his drinking and Iím not attempting to. Within the past few weeks he has switched to drinking a cheap, nasty smelling beer. The problem is it makes him stink!

I cannot stand the smell of it, primarily when Iím trying to sleep. He drinks copious amounts so it seeps out of his pores and his breath while heís sleeping. I cannot physically stay in the same bed because it is such a foul smell.

I have told him several times how bad it smells and that I cannot stand it. He counters with, ďtoo bad, itís my new brandĒ.

I find it exceptionally unfair that I am relegated to the couch which is entirely uncomfortable and makes my back feel as if itís been hit with a sledgehammer.

Heís very stubborn. He wonít change and he most definitely wonít sleep on the couch.

Feeling very frustrated!! Vent over....thanks SR for allowing me a space to vent.
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Old 08-05-2018, 11:00 AM
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That is terribly disrespectful of your husband.

Are you willing to accept sleeping on the couch as a way of life? I hope not.
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Old 08-05-2018, 11:05 AM
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I have horrible sinus/allergies,but when I was active I would snore more and louder than normal,so I would take the couch when drinking(such a courteous drunk I was). Once I sobered up,my (now) exAgf was still drinking and I couldn't stand sleeping in the same bed with her,so back to the couch I went..I ended up buying a comfortable ass couch eventually!(not that you should have to)
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Old 08-05-2018, 11:14 AM
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I would find it very difficult to love somebody who forced me to sleep on the sofa and put their alcohol addiction first. Yet I would often argue with my gf and she would sleep on the sofa and I'd just take it in my stride as if nothing happened.

You don't have to live like that x
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Old 08-05-2018, 11:17 AM
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That sounds horrible. Can't say I blame you for wanting to vent.
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Old 08-05-2018, 11:22 AM
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For how long are you going to let him disrespect you?
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Old 08-05-2018, 11:27 AM
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Is this what you want in a marriage? What is your threshold for unacceptable behavior?
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Old 08-05-2018, 11:31 AM
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I would highly suggest attending alanon meetings, also the family and friends section on this forum if you haven't already.
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Old 08-05-2018, 11:33 AM
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Ah, that smell... I used to drink virtually whatever alcohol I could, which was frequently cheap beer. I could smell it on myself for days afterwards, so I can only imagine what kind of torture it must be for you!

It's always satisfying to get a good rant out, but in all seriousness, that is incredibly disrespectful and mean of your husband. Is he really that far in denial? I don't understand why he isn't the one sleeping on the couch... in my super far-gone alcoholic days when living with my (now ex) boyfriend, I would often feel so guilty about drinking that I'd slink over to the couch on my own. Has he no sense of shame? Stubborn or not, this is outrageous and really not ok... makes me angry for you just thinking about it.
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Old 08-05-2018, 11:40 AM
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Heís very stubborn. He wonít change and he most definitely wonít sleep on the couch.

and there you have it, eh?

you could buy a new couch......and a gas mask.
or you could look at the bigger picture and ask if this is how you wish to live your one precious life.

meanwhile venting helps!!!
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Old 08-05-2018, 12:16 PM
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Thanks everyone for ďlisteningĒ.

I donít want to live like this. I know Iím married to an alcoholic who chooses his drinking over me. I know there are boundaries that I have and that they are getting crossed.

I also know Iím early in recovery (53 days) and Iím trying not to make rash, life-altering decisions.

My passive-aggressive side is rising up against him too. Iím a smoker - he is not - and he absolutely hates the smell. Every night I shower before bed so he doesnít have to smell it. I really want to stop showering before bed and tell him to just deal with it...but I wonít, because itís childish.

It really just sucks to realize that you have a problem, work to solve the problem for yourself, and have a selfish, stubborn husband in tow who prioritizes alcohol above all else.
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Old 08-05-2018, 12:30 PM
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Hi, Atlast.
Okay, i recognize that your post is a venting one, and you are not necessarily looking for solutions.
But..what can I say? I’m a results oriented kinda gal, so here’s what I would do.
My opinion only, mind.
I would replace, if possible, the uncomfortable sleeping couch with a better sleep solution, like a futon, which can double for seating and sleeping.
Futons now have inner spring systems and are very comfortable to sleep on.
I know because my spouse doesn’t sleep well since surgery several years ago. He wakes during the night and has trouble going back to sleep.
Often he goes downstairs to the futon room and can winkle out a couple more hours of sleep.
So I would do that, and I would use it.
I know.
Why should you have to move when he is the one creating the situation?
Fact is, he ain’t moving and you need a peaceful night’s sleep.
There are larger issues here, clearly, but if you are not ready to leave the marriage and he isn’t, then I would work on getting a good night’s sleep.
I am not giving him a pass,btw. His behavior toward you and your concerns is typical of an alcohol addict, i.e. selfish.
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Old 08-05-2018, 12:32 PM
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Just saw your follow up post.
Wise to wait a bit, I think , before deciding next steps.
Hugs to you.
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Old 08-05-2018, 12:56 PM
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Don't take this as personal but, you prioritize smoking.

Maybe separate rooms or homes is the answer.
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Old 08-05-2018, 08:59 PM
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You cannot let this continue.
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Old 08-05-2018, 09:56 PM
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Well, here I am 5-1/2 years sober. My husband is 11-1/2 years. Quite a big gap there, right? We both are active in our recovery via AA.

Though we both no longer drink, I DO still snore very loudly! I have since I was a teeny child, I'm 60 now. My sweet hubby & I celebrated our 30th in April. I should add that he's living his Dream and plays in a rock band (he pursued this after getting sober, I'm so proud and HAPPY for my guy).

This Spring we "gave up" pretending we slept in the same bed. I slept in our bed, and he went to OUR uncomfortable couch. Our solution: We bought a Day Bed online & one of these mattresses they ship. Pretty amazing actually and very comfortable.

So, we put that in the TV Room. He says he sleeps SO much better. We still have snuggle time, but sleep time is for sleeping.

There is obviously many emotions now with you OP, because YOU are feeling again! It was overwhelming for me, but I did start living my life ODAAT, not just with my drinking. Please, have trust in your HP.
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Old 08-05-2018, 10:52 PM
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Atlast,

Definitely time for another bed.

My wife works mid shift and when she is off, she is up all night messing w her phone.

We still have time together, but I need my sleep. I sleep in a different room.

That could solve your problem.

Thanks.
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Old 08-06-2018, 07:52 AM
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Feel for you. That sounds like a miserable thing to deal with.

But then you casually mention the fact that you smoke cigarettes in his face? Even as a drunk, I couldn't stand the smell or the presence of smoke. Your frustration with his drinking has no solid ground to stand on, with you blowing smoke his way every night.

I'm sure you know this, but doesn't appear to me to be a relationship that is fostering or valuing growth.
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Old 08-06-2018, 07:58 AM
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Originally Posted by lessgravity View Post
Feel for you. That sounds like a miserable thing to deal with.

But then you casually mention the fact that you smoke cigarettes in his face? Even as a drunk, I couldn't stand the smell or the presence of smoke. Your frustration with his drinking has no solid ground to stand on, with you blowing smoke his way every night.

I'm sure you know this, but doesn't appear to me to be a relationship that is fostering or valuing growth.
No, I donít blow smoke in his face. I smoke outside only, alone. My original (poorly written) point is that he canít stand the smell of cigarette smoke on me so therefore I shower before bed so he doesnít have to smell the lingering smoke.
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Old 08-06-2018, 08:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Atlast9999 View Post
No, I don’t blow smoke in his face. I smoke outside only, alone. My original (poorly written) point is that he can’t stand the smell of cigarette smoke on me so therefore I shower before bed so he doesn’t have to smell the lingering smoke.
I guess I more meant that your husband "absolutely hates" cigarettes - I can relate, I grew up in a smoking household and they turn my stomach. So he has absolute hate for something that is fundamentally horrible for your health and yet you continue to do the practice, even on the porch, at your home, daily - and yet are upset about his drinking? Do you see the contradiction here?
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