allishope73

Hello kind people ...hope you are having good Sunday whatever you are doing ... i started upbeat from the gym ... housework ... cooking healthy food and decided to walk up the hill where for years i was walking with my husband and our dog ... i thought after a year i m fine ..
I forgot .. i stopped having memories of 15 years together day and night only him and me and the dog ... i walked and saw the tree we planted or rather replanted from the garden ... the tree got big healthy but everyting else has gone ... my identity ... my life ... the meaning ... i started crying ... i realised i did not pass the grief yet ...m i shook my head quickly saying one day you understand now focus on Life ... focus on recovery ... you are not ready to visit old places yet ... so came home and trying to set up my mind back on positivity and stop thinking why how ... so yip ... back to kitchen ... cook something ... create something ... let it go ...tomorrow back to group so will be around people ... weekend days when alone can catch me ... but its ok ... i m fine ... keep going on .... blessed Sunday folks ... one day a time xxx D

saoutchik

Hi allishope, I do not think your meaning and identity depends on another person. You have your own and no one can take it away from you. I'm sure that you will make new friends and they will be truly yours, not shared friends. It's great that you planted a tree, just for its own sake but perhaps you could plant a new one of your own.

soberista

Perhaps you could get some grief counselling so you could discuss all your feelings with someone who is able to help you?

allishope73

We were co dependent always together i m deserted yes im trying to make new friends and live life but the process he left with no resources i was practically dependent ... on sick ... my career gone and i know i need time to recover to get back health and think what i can do in life ... trying not to think as everybody say focus on recovery physically and mentally .... after when you get your health back maybe think about work ... so sitting in limbo just depending on lawyers facing real uncertainty without practical skills ... was dependent financially he was dependent emotionally it lasted most of my life .. no kids ... no family ... i have one good friend ... rest pals in foreign country ... but i m patient just atrending theraphy and waiting when be able to sleep and conquer fatigue and all other related staff ... i only know recovery is priority and as folks say its getting better xxxD

Maudcat

Glad you are healing, slowly.
Keep looking forward and cherish every step, no matter how small.

allishope73

I am ...i attend counsellor he says i m adjusting to life alone as i m still here and trying to be positive ... he said that before becoming independent or interdependen i need to be dependend and find a network support as i was dependent my entire life ... having this awereness makes me depressed i build up my life on love and relationship .. now i m not even dating as focusing on recovery and nor ready

PhoenixJ

allis- I do not think grief ever leavers us- but with time quietens it's voice. The least of incidence may trigger us to remember an event or a person...a smell in a bakery, a car of a particular colour, an old movie...

I think it is good you have your recovery so firmly ensconced in your mind.

Prayers and support to you.

allishope73

Thank you Phoenix ... i might think it will fade away as since September i blurred the picture of my happy past life and focused on here and now although starting from scratch ... just i think a year is still raw in comparison to 15 years .... luckly over years i had great career and university diploma here and abroad so my self worth and confidence as an academic and proffessional stayed with me ... as soon as i get my health back i start working first... part time to learn from mistake not to overdo and burn out again ...meanwhile i m thinking maybe do some freelance even couple of hours a week to fit between recovery groups ... healing step programme and rest ... i have many interests and also used to be an english teacher before starting working in homelessness addiction and personality disorder team ... i also asked to volunteer in library .... so not all gloom and doom ... just it was a day of weakness but i stayed strong ... i created nice seafood dish ... im so good going to shops when all is reduced and for nothing can buy healthy food ... and even had a visitor a wee cat came and cuddled to me ... i took it home fed and played a while ... hope it will be back
.. i share food and a pillow if needed blessed Monday bring another day a time kind people xD

Eddiebuckle

Allishope,

I don't know your back story but I wanted to share this Chinese proverb which seems relevant:

"Better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness."

Wishing you peace.

allishope73

Very true Eddie ...i reinvented myself at age 27 moved to another country got married so why not to do this at 45 just wiser learning from mistakes and taking small baby steps with patience threading day by day when this sadness comes i waith until it goes away and carry on xD

Berrybean

Isn't it Okay to feel sad, and to let the tears flow? Isn't that part of the process of grieving? This isn't something that we work past and then just don't feel any more. We just work on the acceptance of the changes and the loss, and learn not to be scared of our grief, and as the fear subsides then we can work through it easier so the joy of the memories and gartitude for the time we had together can come through as well as the pain and sadness.

Please don't be hard on yourself. It sounds like you're doing well working through this. I bet he'd be proud of you and how youre getting through and rebuilding your life, and coming to terms with living life as a single person. When we are codependent we think that our identity is only reflected in that person, like they are our mirror. If course, that isn't so. And when they are not with is (through death, or other seperation) we just need to start seeing ourselves and for our self. You are still the person you were. What makes us is not what can be seen from the outside. We are not our job, or our hairstyle, or someones wife or mother. They are things we DO. How we relate to the world. Who we are is much more still and quiet. Perhaps it could be an idea to start to get to know that still and quiet YOU that is behind all that being and doing. It could help get through this.

BB

allishope73

Very true bb i always reapeated over years a human is worth itself as a living creature , life has worth itself . My husband would not be proud , we split and his ego suffered more to extent he said he d wait untill i die like a pig without all things he provided and food . But thanks i m not as much materialistic , i adjusted to live life on very bottom after having that all...i m al least free of attachments - i m on the right path towards life , back to roots . Change is scary but i think about people whose life is everyday survival eg in Africa and i m grateful i have food and shelter xD

Berrybean

Maybe it's not such a loss then. But new life. And that's pretty amazing.

BB