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Needing direction

Old 08-05-2018, 07:33 AM
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Needing direction

I have been married for 26 years. My husband is a good man, but is an alcoholic.

We have two children, our oldest daughter is 23 and our youngest is forever 11. We lost our son in July 6, 2013, when a man hit him while he was riding his horse with a friend. He suffered broken bones and a traumatic brain injury. It was the worst day of our lives. Immediately after, my husband's drinking increased to include hard liquor, hiding his drinking and going away from me, staying out with friends, ignoring my phone calls, etc. He was absolutely crazy with anger that the man who killed our son was no billed and free. Eventually, we had to sell our house because he wouldn't work, therefore, couldn't make the payments. He refused to live with me because I moved into a rent house in town and he didn't want to live "in town". It was heartbreaking for me because I loved my husband and had tried for so long to reconcile our marriage to no avail. He stayed with different friends and from time to time, he would show up at my house and stay there using the shower, wash his clothes, eat, etc. Then he would disappear again. The weekends would come and I'd call him, hoping we could spend time together, but he ignored my calls. He would go out of town with his friends, never including me. There was even a high school female friend he spent alot of time with, but said he was doing nothing wrong. I did not know this woman, only knew of her. When he was around me, he was rude and disrespectful to me. Once, when I was having some unexplained pain, he told me to "take a pain pill" and left to supposedly go "hunting" with a friend. He was constantly accusing me of having other men at my house, saying that he "saw" a truck outside my house. He has told me on many occasions that he was going to divorce me, that he didn't want to be married, but never did anything about it. I feel sure he has told me so many lies, yet as his wife, I chose to believe him and continued to stay married to him.

Now, after much torment, disappointment, heartache and soul searching, I have made the decision to divorce him. I have done some research on alcoholics and the effects it has on marriages and have learned alot about narrsistic personality disorder and how alcohol effects it. I was floored to learn that my husband has almost all the traits. Its heartbreaking !!! He even had these tendencies before we lost our son. But my way of looking at it is that he could have chosen to get help for grief and alcoholism before it was too late. I had remained faithful to him, always there for him, no matter what. I have struggled for years, with his behaviors and I'm now giving in to divorce. I have also read about toxic relationships, which I'm certain I have been in a very toxic relationship for years and as heartbreaking as it is, I need to free myself from it. I love my husband, but feel that I cannot continue to allow this to happen. Now, that I have filed for divorce, for the past 2 weeks, he has been trying to win me back, saying that he's sorry, wanting to meet up for dinner, etc. He has also said he has asked God for forgiveness. He has said he would leave me alone, and he has, for a few days, so far.

I am thankful I found out more about narrsistic personality disorder and toxic relationships....Im glad to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this. I truely thought I was going to go crazy.....I just wish it hadn't happened to us.
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Old 08-05-2018, 07:45 AM
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Welcome and sorry to hear about what brings you here.

The most important FACT to remember is that none of this is your fault.

I wish you all the best.
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Old 08-05-2018, 08:32 AM
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MDB,
Welcome and glad you posted. There is nothing wrong with posting on this forum but you might find more support on the Friends & Family site.

Sounds like you have gone through a lot over the last few years, losing your son and then your husband. I am so sorry for both of your losses. I can see that you have tried everything to get your husband some help, but what have you done for yourself? Have you gone to any support groups? Have you tried alanon or any open aa meetings. Or have your reached out to a therapist over both these huge losses in your life?

They say on this forum that you need to put on your oxygen mask first before you can help anyone else. I think you did the right thing about filing for divorce as your husband is lost. You are entitled to move on in life and be happy, and obviously it is not going to happen with him. Its hard when we still love our addicts and would do anything for them to get well, but eventually we need to take ownership of our own life.

Divorce takes a long time. Continue with what you are doing. He knows what he needs to do, grow up, sober up and work a program. Maybe, just maybe this will be his wake up call and get some help for himself, but sobriety is a one man game. You can not do this for him.

Education is power, read all over this forum, and realize that this disease is progressive, and it will get worse, but understand he no longer needs to take you down with him.

Hugs my friend, you will be ok!!
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Old 08-05-2018, 08:46 AM
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MDB - You have certainly been through so much and are showing a tremendous amount of courage. It sounds as if you have done all that can possibly be done. Now it's time to look after yourself. Sending cyber hugs and support.
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Old 08-05-2018, 05:02 PM
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Hi and welcome MyDogBeauty - I'm sorry for what brings you here but I know you'll find support. Someone else mentioned the Family and Friends forum but I wanted to add that you're welcome here too - Newcomers forum is open to all newcomers
But my way of looking at it is that he could have chosen to get help for grief and alcoholism before it was too late.
yeah he could have and should have and now it sounds like the addiction is really beyond any logical cause.

I'm sorry you have to take the next step and divorce but it seems like a healthy decision for you to do so.

D
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Old 08-05-2018, 05:29 PM
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I'm very sorry for the loss of your son. That is such a horrible thing to have to deal with.

It seems to me you are doing the right thing by moving on. It's time to look after you and do the right things for yourself.
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