BeanieBaby

Hi everyone - I'm still sober by God's grace and the AA program going on 21 months on 8/15. During my active addiction, vacations were times of heavy drinking and drama. I was happy to bid those times goodbye. I think that if you struggle to get along with your spouse and have challenging children, add the inevitable stress of vacations - and you have a recipe for conflict. I guess I was hoping now that I am sober, vacations would be a bit more relaxing but I'm finding that not to be the case.

Just got back from my second vacation sober and honestly, not sure I can do it anymore. The first day got off great, the second day my husband decided that he needed to attend to a work emergency (he's in IT and one of his clients was seriously hacked with ransomware) and go back to help his boss. So I did my best to entertain our 12 year old son who gave me a hard time about pretty much everything - didn't want to go to the beach, go anywhere and complained of being bored. We had a couple of nice meals and I got him out one day to the boardwalk. My husband came back at 9 pm last night - and we were heading home today. So we finally get the in car to come home and he turns to be and says "happy 17th wedding anniversary". As we're driving back, I said something like "well the first couple of years was pretty smooth" and then he proceeded to count off every vacation we had that I drank and we fought and overall, was really negative. I know I have amends to make for my drinking but I was incredibly hurt by his remarks. We tried to veer into small talk about a TV program and ended up arguing about politics. We're in the United States so anyone who's here right now knows what that's like. He's right and I'm left. I ended up in tears and realized (again) that we really don't have much in common and struggle to get along, regardless of my drinking.

I have a standing time with my sponsor tomorrow and going to a meeting tonight. When I was drinking, my marriage seemed bad and everyone told me it will get much better when I'm sober. And there are days that it feels better. But deep down, now sober for a while, I'm frightened to have to confront the fact that when we need to spend a lot of time together, we don't get along well at all. Also, I am a business owner so time off is precious and not plentiful as I can't just "unplug" as easily as some.

My son is going on 13 so do I just not go on these family vacations because it can't be much fun for him, either. I'm pretty proud of myself of spending three days with him in a heavy drinking beach town without a car where I could have easily left him at the hotel to secretly have a couple but I want to be sober more than I want to drink. I'm not going back to another Day 1. But I'm feeling very stressed out and my gut says I'm better off passing on this stress than trying to suck it up for the sake of some type of family experience/expectation that never works. Thoughts??

Thanks for letting me vent. I come here and read a lot - almost every day for the past three years. It's a great part of my program. I am very grateful for this community.

DontRemember

I'm not an avid AA'er,but sounds like you need to work on your steps some(regarding amends). I also refuse to discuss politics with anyone at all unless I'm joking and that's risky nowadays too, there's no point at all. I'd also suggest asking your son what he'd like to do for future vacations and let him have some input.

Edit: you could have also left your son and went to enjoy the beach/enviroment/activities,sober, own your own.

ReadyAtLast

Hi sorry to hear you've not had a good holiday.

I agree with don't remember. Maybe ask your son what he would like to do for your next holiday . My son and I have just had a 5 day activity holiday. Pretty intense but great fun but he enjoyed it though he's still little younger than your son.

Or Could he maybe bring a friend?I used to do that when a child.
The amends and letting resentments go also helps me . I didn't realise just how much my tension affected my son.

entropy1964

I don't know how long you've been sober, but maybe rather than making a catch all decision like 'no more vacations' you just see how things go? If you're early in recovery (under a couple of years) vacations can be hard if they are totally associated either externally (a beach town with lots of booze) or internally (a place that you associate with drinking) with booze. Just pause and breath.

Being a 13 year old is hard. I mean, really hard. Middle school? No one ever says 'oh my GOD I loved middle school'. My daughter looks back at that as a very dark time....and with an alcoholic Mom? Well, nuff said. I was actually sober for most of middle school. Doesn't matter. I'm forever an alcoholic and the damage, while manageable, is a forever thing. I know this because I'm the child of alcoholics. My daughter is 17 now and I yearn for the old days I think girls tend to be major drama queens...more so than boys. But I guess you have to worry about them being dangerous or something. I dunno. Fasten your seat belt tho...it could get bumpy....

The hub. Well, again no idea how long you've been sober. But dredging up the past while in the car? That's obviously poor timing. Have you guys considered counseling so you can learn to communicate in ways that allow growth without being destructive? And boundaries for sure. He's right, you're left. Political discussion are out for sure. Ca-razy times here in the USA. It won't last forever! We'll survive.

Hang in there. Love up your son. He'll be driving and gone before you know it.

BeanieBaby

Thanks everyone. I’m 21 months sober and heading into the 8th step work with my sponsor. Good timing after this for sure. We’ve been through a lot of marriage counseling. He hates to go but it seems like a good time to go back.

I’ll stay focused on my side of the street

August252015

Hi there. I'm very much with Frick on this one- especially thinking about your family scenario and what mine was like growing up. As he adult alcoholic in recovery (2 and a half years) I understand a lot about my alcoholic mom, our family life, and more sides than what my 11-20someting self understood.

My FOO has taken years to evolve and heal, and in some ways we just didn't until I myself went through my alcoholic hell gen got sober.

There is so much to talk about when it comes to the families of alcoholics, our roles as the ones in recovery being the only ones we have any say over , if you will. I didn't like hearing it at the beginning but it takes time for the family to shake out, so to speak, as it will.

Are you comfortable with you sponsor? Depending on where you are in the steps, my experience was that it was appropriate to address any life stressors so certainly this kind of thing ... as suitable for my understanding of the program then, and why going trough all he steps- or in my case, planning to do them again in my third year, especially four and five- was necessary for dealing with every part of my life.

Glad you are here. The pressure to make absolute decisions like no more vacations ever is something my brain relates to a lot! But learning that I have to trust the recovery process has helped me a lot with this kind of thing.

Stay sober, keep going and stay with us.

DontRemember

Honestly..again..NOT an avid AA'er, but I'm a pretty smart guy(I'd like to think?)..IF *I* were you..I'd throughly work on MY steps and then re-approach marriage counselling afterwards, if still needed( it probably will be).. That's just what **I'd** do.. "fix" yourself as fully as possible,before bringing others in to it, type thing. The mind and thoughts are confusing/chaotic as hell when WE don't know which way is up/out and trying to still get/have instant gratification. Just my $.02.

Gerard52

BeanieBaby, you are extremely brave, 21 months is amazing.

Caralara144

I think your fantastic
Well done ....
Stressful indeed I feel your pain
I can relate to the hubby part
While I was drinking I knew my marriage was not working but I couldn't see through the fog
Now I'm sober (7months ) everything is clearer .. I know my marriage is on the rocks and I have really nothing in common now with my husband ..sad but true
I read someone's post earlier which was so true sobriety changes a person a lot!!!!
I know I've changed ...
I hope you work it out ..

Just reading your post reminded me of me
Thinking of you
Cara x

Jam13

Sorry Beanie Baby you are going through this.
I have a 14 yr old daughter with special needs. Not the same but all teenagers have needs.
In regards to the hub, I have been married over 20 years...we fought a lot in the beginning. We are both alcoholics....I have had yrs of sobriety here and there. This last time I had been sober for 4 yrs and it took a separation for us to get past that pain. No matter how good I was, he wouldn’t forgive me. He wouldn’t open up to me, I tried to make amends and understand his side but I felt he was punishing me and finding ways to escape meeting my needs for intimacy. It was part of the reason I drank to begin with bc I wasn’t happy with him.
After we separated, his tune changed. I truly meant to never come back but he promised me he wou,d work on things....I came back and he is slowly changing for the better.
He’s not where I’d like him to be and I get frustrated plenty but he’s way better the
An he used to be. He tries to meet my needs and we try to communicate openly without blaming.
Just open honest dialogue.
It’s hard when you don’t have practice.
I’m not sure all of your issues but I hope you will give him some time. He’s still healing from the pain of alcohol.
It’s a family issue.
Stay strong & congrats on 22months sober! That’s amazing!

Dee74

Congrats on your continued recovery BeanieBaby

I remember when I was 13 I hated family holidays but I look back on them with fondness now, so I dunno

Like others have said there's no imperative for you to make massive changes now in your marriage. Maybe sit with that for a while, look at it again in familiar surroundings?
D

BeanieBaby

Thank you all for the support! It means a lot to read that someone has similar experiences and relationship issues and I'm not alone. Dee, I agree that it's best to keep working on my recovery and no need for a rash decision about a big thing like a marriage. I'm still in relatively early sobriety. Also knowing I can rely on my higher power to guide me over time with my AA fellowship is very comforting. In the past when we'd have these blow ups while I was drinking it all seemed so overwhelming and frightening. I still struggle with managing my emotions but I'm developing tools. After the shouting in the car I willed myself to be quiet and list in my mind things I was grateful for in my life and it helped calm me a great deal. I am learning a lot - including accepting things I can't change like others. But I'm changing what I can in a healthy way for now. Literally starting step 8 tomorrow. Funny how this pops up right beforehand.

Outonthetiles

I've had two sober vacations in Mexico and three or four in California during the past three years, and sober vacations are far and away the best vacations I've ever had, so, in my experience, your mileage may vary. I wouldn't trade sobriety for anything. I think it's important to not only learn how to live day to day sober, but to have fun whlie sober. It's pretty easy, really.