allishope73

Hi kind people i relapsed ...after posting here i changed approach to recovery and soldiered ... every day started with positivity although expierienced anxiety ...depression ...insomnia i was determined ... last wednesday i was hormonal this time of month ..scared ...as staff problems not in my control to solve ... surviving day by day ... so felt low but went to yoga and recovery group ..i burst into tears saying life is hard ...not hard but very hard that i am an abandoment wife i run off everything i used to have ...basics clothes toiletries ... and no money to buy ... so cried but picked myself up talking helped ... i was reminded about humility ... i was coming home strong even smiling and got a call from.my mother who lives in another country but started manipulating me again ...i knew i should not pick up but i felt strong and its a moral issue ..she is extremely toxic narcissistic but she gave me life and i picked up the phone ...ended up shaking ...she said to forget about recovery and get to grisp ...as i become homeless ... i said its ok i rather be homeless but alive btw nobody is made homeless in this country
..there are options ... unless one wants to be intentionally homeless... but she shouted at me abused ...so i had couple of beers to calm dow and relapsed....of course forgot i cannot stop after one night ... anxiety.. so today is my 2 and half day relapse ... its awful as i do not function on alcohol at all but i did go to job centre ..
I was dying but did go and had a good chat with advisor telling me not to be so hard on myself as i made progress despite awful life circumstances that i cannot control or change ... so i am still on beer but cut down in order to guitt tonight completaly and go through dttos tomorrow ... i can only say awful ... sober life awful ... self medicating worse ... i do not know ... what other tools ..what other changes ...it seems i m not coping with stress ...i m coping with some but after get so freaked that im in constant panick ...i was thinking maybe those are paws despite stressors ...maybe thats my brain creates panick to be allowed to drink ??? Every morning i started from not self pity ... through tears but i said its a challenge if you survive it gets better ...one day i noticed i started loosing hair ...omg one thing i was proud my looks i always been a beautiful girl even at 45 and had awesome hair ... i m loosing due to stress i cried ...first time in life at 45 i developed like egzema its small spot not visible but shows again body is not coping with stress ...medication like benzos would help but its highly addictive and only mask symptoms and anyway doctors in uk are not keen to prescribe .... soo i m thinking what other coping strategies i can develop knowing no money ... knees getting dogdy as i used training my whole life gym was my tool ...and totally isolated ... at home ... but must be something ... i m going clean again and i got patches for smoking .... again nurse said i must be emotionall smoker as my score is not high but i do chain smoking if have ciggarretes i guess i do not inhale properly its just stress ... so yip posting this as i really need help .... i do this again but changing approach avoid stress i can avoid but address stress i have to as otherwise itd pile up and i fell from a wagon .... please share any message i am grateful for D

KeyofC

Nice to meet you
I relapsed too for about 6 months. Just got back on the straight and narrow path January 28. I know from learning from 1 1/2 sobriety before this dumb period I went through, not to beat myself up. I have dug back in and am soul searching. Reaching down deep and sifting through the embers to find exactly what the heck happened. Slowly putting it back together and putting one foot in front of the other. I think me being on a depression pill also aided in my relapse like I think youve kind of described here. I'm all about getting help if it's needed, but I apparently have a highly addictive personality, mindset, and god lord my body just loves to be addicted to things. In March I started eating healthier and going to the gym. Now I work out before I go to work 20-25 minutes...I walk on my breaks and lunch (not killing it but with a purpose) to clear my head...and workout at least 30 minutes at the gym after work. I know some people don't have the time to commit like this, bu I make time. All of this saves my mind set. It puts me back into positive thinking. As long as I am eating better and exercising, this helps me more than I can put into words..anyway I am proud for you that you're back in the saddle trying. It's what we can promise is to try. I know how you're feeling and I do know there are a lot of people on here who can and will say a lot of things you can put in your tool box to use in the time tom come. (Hug)! Holla anytime! I'll reply!

least

I hope you can start your sobriety again. Many of us have relapsed. What matters is that you don't give up.

Gabe1980

Please don't give up. It's finding the combination of things that work for you. Best wishes to you on your journey xx

D122y

All,

My slips...relapses....depending on who you talk to...are in my signature.

I have only technically ever made it about 14 months.

The crave is for life. My addict brain wants booze for every occasion.

But, I don't drink anymore.

I might be edgy sometimes, have trouble sleeping, fight w my wife, mess up at work, get mad at my kid, feel crazy, feel normal.....whatever....

I don't drink.

Hope this helps.

Thanks.

MantaLady

In early recovery it is really important to set some boundaries to protect yourself and your sobriety. One of the hardest things I have had to do is have less contact with my mum. The relationship is a big trigger to drink for me as I have a lot of unresolved and unprocessed emotions from the past that I need to deal with myself first before I can be around her as often. If I am not feeling strong I do not answer the phone to her. This doesn't have to be forever, just until I have enough sober time and self esteem to be able to cope with the relationship and be less affected by anything she says or does. I know it is hard as she is your mum. If she is unable at the moment to support you in staying sober then maybe you need to think long and hard about setting a clear boundary. Explain to her how you feel and how important your recovery is to you and if she cannot support you that you will not be able to take her calls for a while. Your recovery comes first, without that we have nothing. It is not selfish to put yourself first, it's brave and couragous and you need to do what is right for you. Take care xx

Caralara144

Bless you
Praying you get through this
Big hugs
Cara❤

Buckley3

I relapsed after 2 years booze free. So you aren't alone for sure.

That was '04-'06 for me. While I don't spend much time looking back, I do occasionally wish/ wonder what life would be like had I not. I'd have 14 years sober right now. Blows my mind to even think about that.

I chalk mine up to never really developing an understanding of what this thing is as well as not going far enough to make changes in my personal life. Put simply, even though I felt like I had, I definitely had NOT come out of denial.

I suspect a big issue in relapse is feeling overwhelmed at having to 'start all over.' But that's an illusion. It's the AV.

Just stop. Keep the 'ole vision 200 ft. in front of you. Focus on now.

Best-

B

Dee74

I'm really glad you made it back allishope

I had to go no contact with my folks for a while...

sure they bought me into the world but they made that sound like a gigantic imposition for the next 40 years

Theres a lot of great support wisdom and understanding here - why not turn to us instead of the liquor store?

D

allishope73

First thank you i read every single post ...very helpful ...i m 13 hours alcohol free i managed to go through the night slept with intervals and had vivid freudian dreams ...means of transport train ...bicykle im jumping and travelling ...forests and water ...horses ...its my uncouncious mind ...i always had such dreams telling me whats happening in my life since a child ... sensitivity is hard...but bonus im very intuitive ... so i sweat about 3 am but slept over ... had a watermelon ...in the morning made coffee put on celtic radio and felt positive .. like feeling its gonna be ok .... my plan is today to go to my friend ...in my unlucky and lonlieness and isolation after marriage break up i have one bossom friend like my family member my former lecturer ...a wise man 74 we ve been best friends over 10 years and he is support in my recovery and life in general ....so i m going to countryside over weekend ... watch nature have nutritious healthy food ... tomorrow planning to go to yoga if i start gym it will go smoothly ....so i read posts ... and i totally agree for me is nutrition and moderate exercise ... i used to train very hard but it affected my knees and at 45 cannot do the same as at 35 but having big deal of knowladge on fitness i adjust training plan to my limitations ... another thing boundaries ... yes i set up boundaries towards my mother and in general ... now i think as vulnerable i weakened them as wanted somebody ... a family ... need to be more mindful in this aspect ... she is not gonna change but i do love her kinda ... always wanted her approval all achievements universities schools buying her presents all did for her only to be critisize if she was losing control over me .. i can only work on myself and yes if keep contact with her only within boundaries .... no point of talking explaining she has no ability to reflect ... but i accept this...third thing i read about first two years difficult in recovery so it means if i feel low ...insomniac or anxious or depressed its post acute psychological withdrawals fatigue ... if this would not pass after six months i might go to gp checking if there are other reasons ... hormones or physical condition but first i stick to plan and slowly again day by day focus on recovery and regenerating body and mind ... somebody used term AV ... not sure is it alcoholism voice ? That your brain create anything to make you lapse ??? Its like with anxiety i remember years before even using alcohol to self medicate stress i had different coping ... if i was anxious or panick i carry out ... not to reinforce anxiety by avoidance it worked out ... but also life was good i had all i needed to live healthy life.. career husband a dog nice house and hobbies i could develop as had money and health .... when i burn out and started loosing health was first thing was diagnosed with endometriosis at age of 41 surgery ... after started self medicating ...and you guys know how it ended up..on top of one problem i added another and another scary staff... so lets start from scratch first health and it involves recovery ... it goes together ! ... so coming back to AV i need to be aware there will be moments of total dispair and suffering but it my addicted brain is crying for its well known fix and sedation ...thing is it only soothes during first four beers afterit is misery ... crying ... guilt... i have some awereness and not in denial so each lapse damages my self worth more ... i cannot afford it for sake of my sanity and self respect .... i m really grateful ... for each response ... it gave me additional insight ... i m sticking to this site ... every day ... day after day... Dee said it worked out for so many people ... i m new and still figuring out how it works ... i d love to build up some friendships to support one another on daily basis ... there is option that after a while people can chat privately ? I would like to be a part of support network as another thing i noticed very helpful is to not be self centred ... i m important but giving to others brings real joy and peace ... like community spirit ... i found that other people are as much important to me as myself and my well being ... i would love to learn how to meditiate ...my bookshelves are full of mindfullness staff .. reading positions i gathered over years but theory is theory practice require practice .patience and discipline and joint working sometime ... so strange years ago i collected books thinking to develop proffessionally ... now i m using them for my own healing ... uncounciously picked up so many positions you presented on reading list its unbeliavable .... like Life knew i d need them one day ? So i answered myself couple of questions ... made plan ... not giving up ... Life has worth itself no matter what ... if i stay alcohol free all will sort out through time ... thank you people D

MantaLady

There is a great app called SoberGrid where you can talk to others going through the same and you can get someone to talk to any time of day on the app. You can also set yourself as available to help others who might just need a kind word or someone to just be there when they are struggling too.

Glad your sticking to your plan, you can do this and it will get easier! xx

Dee74

I agree a little family distance might be good for everyone

Not everyone gets PAWs and those who do, not everyone gets it for 2 years allislove - try not to worry...and theres no need to wait 6 months if you feel anxious depressed or unwell - you can see a Dr anytime

You can use the chat here any time...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/achat.php

but Private Messages member to member (not in real time) you need a few more posts up first.



Enjoy your time in the country
D

Culture

Glad your feeling more positive today. Like you I have toxic parents and in the case of my Father, I have had to go no contact. That happened pretty early in recovery for me as I had a confrontation with him over the phone which very nearly pushed me over the edge. If I hadn't come on to SR and posted I definitely would have drank. I'm at 11 months now but to get there I had to take it a day at a time (I still do). My message to you would be, be kind to yourself, you do count. No one has the right to disrespect you and that includes Parents. I still have a relationship with my Mother but I limit my time with her and then I cut her off. We both know where the boundaries are now but it didn't happen overnight.