Fiancé gets upset easily
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4
Fiancé gets upset easily
I need some advice. l so please don’t judge me. My fiancé smokes weed daily at least 2 times a day. We have had fights and his moods are high and low at times. I am not sure if it’s the weed or if the weed actually helps his anger. We had a disagreement last night he called me when he got off work and said he was going to go have a drink to help him wind down from his day. His back was also hurting. He hardly ever drinks so I said ok that’s fine. I was tired when I said it so he thought I sounded upset in my voice. So he came home and said he wasn’t going to go. I told him he’s fine he can go I understood if he needed a little time to himself. He still decided not to go he said he should be at home with his fiancé. After about 30 minutes I was telling him about how my day was bad at work, I was venting to him a little. I don’t ever vent to him about my job unless it’s a really bad day. I don’t want to stress him out, but this time I had to lean on him for support. The neighborhood dogs were barking so he got mad about that and He was a little irritated that i told him about my day he said why complain about it when I can’t change it. I told him sometimes it’s nice to vent to your spouse to get it off your chest but I told him I won’t tell him anymore I will tell someone else. then he accidentally spilled Coke Zero on his chest and his phone which was on his chest so he got upset and said I need a F-ing drink. So I was in shock that he was just going to jump up and leave so I said wait why are you going to leave now. So he then said well I will just wait until you go to sleep then I will go out.
That upset me because, as I explained to him, no woman wants to hear that there spouse is going to go out to the bar as soon as they fall asleep. That’s when the fight started we went round and round from 8:30-11:30. In that he told me the problem is that I talked to him too soon after he got off work and he wanted time for me to just leave him alone. He said we have already discussed this before about him needing an hour and I should know that by now that he needs time. He said he doesn’t want me to tell him about my day because it’s too upsetting to him. He said on the phone I sounded sad so he stayed home even though I told him multiple times to go. I told him I wasn’t sad that I just was tired and had a bad day. He then told me I need to perk up on the phone then. He said I need to get used to the fact that he may go out of the house when I am asleep and that if he tells me I just need to say ok and not comment on it.
He said he feels like I don’t respect him as a husband or leader of the house. My point to him was I told him 3 times he could go and he said no then when we are actually sitting down spending time together he felt then that he had to leave. I also explained that no GF, fiancé, wife etc. wants to here their significant other say “when you fall asleep I’m going to the bar.” I told him he could have already been gone and came home in the time we have been arguing and we would have had a great night but he was so wishy washy about going that it was frustrating to me. There was a lot of things said but we are ok now. I feel a lot after fights it’s all my fault and that I am just constantly Messing up and not being a good wife or future wife to him.He gets super mad if I interrupt him and tells me to hush he claps his hands until I stop talking and he said he was going to throw his coke can threw the wall. He gets so upset it’s hard for me to even express my feelings. Any outside perspective would be appreciated.
That upset me because, as I explained to him, no woman wants to hear that there spouse is going to go out to the bar as soon as they fall asleep. That’s when the fight started we went round and round from 8:30-11:30. In that he told me the problem is that I talked to him too soon after he got off work and he wanted time for me to just leave him alone. He said we have already discussed this before about him needing an hour and I should know that by now that he needs time. He said he doesn’t want me to tell him about my day because it’s too upsetting to him. He said on the phone I sounded sad so he stayed home even though I told him multiple times to go. I told him I wasn’t sad that I just was tired and had a bad day. He then told me I need to perk up on the phone then. He said I need to get used to the fact that he may go out of the house when I am asleep and that if he tells me I just need to say ok and not comment on it.
He said he feels like I don’t respect him as a husband or leader of the house. My point to him was I told him 3 times he could go and he said no then when we are actually sitting down spending time together he felt then that he had to leave. I also explained that no GF, fiancé, wife etc. wants to here their significant other say “when you fall asleep I’m going to the bar.” I told him he could have already been gone and came home in the time we have been arguing and we would have had a great night but he was so wishy washy about going that it was frustrating to me. There was a lot of things said but we are ok now. I feel a lot after fights it’s all my fault and that I am just constantly Messing up and not being a good wife or future wife to him.He gets super mad if I interrupt him and tells me to hush he claps his hands until I stop talking and he said he was going to throw his coke can threw the wall. He gets so upset it’s hard for me to even express my feelings. Any outside perspective would be appreciated.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
If this would have happened to me. I would have left him, long ago as I am sure this have been his mentality the entire relationship.
I, personally, will not be with someone who thinks they are superior to me. "the leader of the house" , umm no. A relationship is equal parts, sure sometimes 1 is doing more than the other but that is always shifting.
He sounds SUPER controlling. - Is that how you want to live the rest of your life? Being controlled?
A few good books I would look into would be
Co-dependent no more
It is a great eye-opener to our own behavior, and super enlightening.
Good luck,
DC
I, personally, will not be with someone who thinks they are superior to me. "the leader of the house" , umm no. A relationship is equal parts, sure sometimes 1 is doing more than the other but that is always shifting.
He sounds SUPER controlling. - Is that how you want to live the rest of your life? Being controlled?
A few good books I would look into would be
Co-dependent no more
It is a great eye-opener to our own behavior, and super enlightening.
Good luck,
DC
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
It's been a few months since you last posted and nothing has seemed to improved. And they aren't bound to. And changing his status from fiance to husband isn't going to fix him either. You are probably seeing him at his best behavior. What's his worst going to be?
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I agree with dreamcatCher
He sounds very controlling. Clapping his hands to shush you. Not allowing you to speak in his time. Telling you what to do. Leader of the house. A throwback to the 1950s.
I would also have left this relationship a long time ago. By staying with him you are just showing him his emotional abuse and behaviour is acceptable. When you have children will you be happy your daughter growingg up learning that is how men should treat her. Or your sons seeing this as a good example to treat women. Children learn from what they see every day.
Abuse doesn't have to be physical. Do yourself a favour and respect yourself. You are worth so much more than a man treating you so badly.
He sounds very controlling. Clapping his hands to shush you. Not allowing you to speak in his time. Telling you what to do. Leader of the house. A throwback to the 1950s.
I would also have left this relationship a long time ago. By staying with him you are just showing him his emotional abuse and behaviour is acceptable. When you have children will you be happy your daughter growingg up learning that is how men should treat her. Or your sons seeing this as a good example to treat women. Children learn from what they see every day.
Abuse doesn't have to be physical. Do yourself a favour and respect yourself. You are worth so much more than a man treating you so badly.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
this man is all about control and self-importance. he's backing you further into a corner and squashing you. clapping his hands to make you stop talking? 1 hour silence rule? not allowed to talk about your own day? that is not a partner or fiance......that's a prison guard. it sounds awful. this is NOT a pot problem............
back in april you shared about similar behaviors.....him snapping his fingers at you, saying he'd "wait" until you learned to do better. you are not a pet to be house trained.
back in april you shared about similar behaviors.....him snapping his fingers at you, saying he'd "wait" until you learned to do better. you are not a pet to be house trained.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Originally Posted by Lovelost777 
He gets super mad if I interrupt him and tells me to hush he claps his hands until I stop talking .
Domestic Abuse Defined
Abuse Defined - The National Domestic Violence Hotline
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: England
Posts: 645
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
It's been a few months since you last posted and nothing has seemed to improved. And they aren't bound to. And changing his status from fiance to husband isn't going to fix him either. You are probably seeing him at his best behavior. What's his worst going to be?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,367
I agree with Anna, lovelost. This doesn't sound like a relationship where you are encouraged to grow - quite the opposite.
Think about what you want your future to be like - you deserve good things
D
Think about what you want your future to be like - you deserve good things
D
Vietnam Vet
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Georgia
Posts: 421
I'm not a pre marriage counselor and I did not sleep at Holiday Inn last night however even this ole country boy can see several red flags blowing. You need to really reconsider signing up for his type behavior.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I had a hard time reading your post especially toward the last. He is abusive and controlling. And it will likely get worse. You should feel that you have to "behave" a certain way just so he won't get upset. That's no way to live. Sorry you are going through this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 374
Hey hun
A lot of red flags in your post
Personally he sounds a bit like my own husband
As I get stronger in my sobriety I also get stronger in what i will and will not put up with
You don't have to put up and shut up anymore...that much I've learned
Your entitled to your voice
Your opinions
And your worth so much more than to be silenced by someone clapping there hands to silence you...
I'm working on mine
Hopefully you will to
Love cara
A lot of red flags in your post
Personally he sounds a bit like my own husband
As I get stronger in my sobriety I also get stronger in what i will and will not put up with
You don't have to put up and shut up anymore...that much I've learned
Your entitled to your voice
Your opinions
And your worth so much more than to be silenced by someone clapping there hands to silence you...
I'm working on mine
Hopefully you will to
Love cara
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 1,065
A man who clapped his hands at me to shut up would wake up with bloody stumps to clap together and me still talking - probably more and faster.
It is not the weed, the guy is a childish jerk. Run far, run fast and start your own healing process.
It is not the weed, the guy is a childish jerk. Run far, run fast and start your own healing process.
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