Back Again
 

I feel like this is my thousandth time saying,"I am done with this" and have quit for a month recently, in the past have quit for month at a time. I am not doing well, this is day 1, yep back to day 1. It has been a rough year, my wife has cancer, they caught it very early and she just finished chemo, but that has been a tough haul on both of us. We are going away this weekend to celebrate her last chemo, and of course going to a wine town that I really shouldn't be going to. I know I have a drinking problem, and I know I want to stop. I am so tired of drinking, and yet I go back to it over and over again. I am not an AA person, I have been to the meetings, and it was just not for me, I know it has helped a lot of people, so I am not putting it down, just not my thing. I don't know how to stay stopped, when the anxiety comes, and the problems rise, I turn right back to it and justify it, like everyone with an alcohol problem does.

Day 1, and I am going forward. God help me ! Thanks for listening.

Welcome to the family. :) I hope the support here can help you get sober for good this time. :)

SportPilot I'll bet good money that you know exactly how to stay stopped. The stumbling block for you, as it was/is for all of us, is actually "crossing the line" & doing it.

I'm sorry for your wife's illness and I hope she is doing well.

My advice would be to not go to wine country. There are lots of places to go and things to do that could be a celebration for you both. Many of us here are not AA people, so take a look around and you will find lots of ideas.

Good to see you, SportPilot. I kept insisting drinking was going to make me happy & relaxed - but it was poisoning me. I never got the euphoric feeling I was looking for. Time to let it go. We're here to help.

At the end of that month of sobriety did you still have high anxiety?

You mentioned that you weren't an AA person.

Have you tried SMART Recovery?

http://www.smartrecovery.org

On the top left, you can click on meetings to see if there are any in your area. In the alternative, you can register and participate in online meetings.

I find some of the tools helpful.

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Welcome SportPilot :)
Glad to have you join us :)

I'm sorry for your wifes diagnosis but I'm glad things are better now.

Have you discussed with your wife your reasons for not wanting to go to wine country this weekend?

D

I felt better physically, but still had some anxiety. However, in fairness I had anxiety issues way before I started drinking.

The Talk
 

My wife and I had "the talk" today, and I told her that I no longer want to drink, and told her of a book I had been listening to on audio book, called "The Naked Mind". I told her of the nasty poison we were putting in ourselves, and I wanted to stop for good. I had palpitations that would scare me to death after drinking too much, the next day. They terrified me, finally enough to get to the breaking point, unfortunately that wasn't until today. I failed in wine country (duh). I am back steeled in my resolution and as someone said, I know how stop I just have to cross that line. Well it has been crossed.

Everyone told me not to wine country and surprise I failed, but I crossed the line today, and had the talk with my wife today and I feel encouraged.

Hi SportPilot,

Glad you are here seeking support from this community. It sounds like you are cognizant of your shortcomings in remaining sober and are self-aware enough to not let excuses of stress and anxiety (regardless of how legitimate they are) cloud the reality: you are an alcoholic, and alcoholics drink for any reason or no reason at all.

I can appreciate that perhaps AA isn't for you. I found tremendous support in AA myself, but it took a while for me to warm up to it and to find a group that I felt comfortable with. It's fine if it's not for you, but remember that it's not AA or nothing. Whatever form it takes, know that you need a program of recovery to stay sober.

I urge you to challenge yourself and the invisible limits you've set for yourself when it comes to recovery. For example, for years I swore off AA or any kind of therapy because that would mean admitting I was an alcoholic in front of others. I didn't even want to admit it to myself; how could I say it in a semi-public place, even if it's supposedly anonymous?! Well, I eventually got desperate enough to push through that boundary, and I'm so glad I did.

It sounds like you're teetering at the brink right now. You know you need to do something, but you also know there are things you're not willing to do. I had to chase my sobriety just as vigorously and relentlessly as I did the next drink while I was active in alcoholism, or I wouldn't stand a chance. For example, I was embarrassed as heck the first time I showed up at an AA meeting. I was also petrified of seeing someone I knew. Now I shift my thought process to this: there were plenty of times I was afraid I'd see someone I knew on the street while carrying a bottle of vodka back to my apartment, but did that stop me? Nope.

Open yourself to uncomfortable situations!! :)

Awesome and very encouraging. Thank you so much.

Sorry to hear about your wife's illness.
I am in similar situation to you with regard to the drink. I go a few weeks, maybe over a month without drinking and I find myself going on a days long binges.
I also struggled in AA programs too. I'm hoping I can get hold of meds that keep me from drinking out of control amounts and reduces the cravings.
Have you seen any other alternatives to these that you have considered?

Other programs
 

LoneWolf

I have seen other programs, but have not tried any as of yet, there are none really in my vicinity other than AA. I have been listening to an audio book, called "The Naked Mind" it is about alcohol and addiction. I find it really helpful. It just explains what alcohol is and what it does, and how we are duped into believing it is something that is healthy and okay to do. (in moderation). This is only day two of my journey was feeling really anxious, got into my counselor who is very good and just talked through some stuff. I then rode stationary bike and I feel great.

I did run across a great analogy of a Captain on a ship who is relying on his navigation, which is equated to our emotions and our bodies giving us signals. She was saying what if the Captain was in place that he could not see land, was in open water, and was relying strictly on navigation. As long as he has his navigation he stays on course and everything is fine. Suddenly an alarm light comes on that says that his instrumentation had a low battery, and was going to stop working. He could change the battery, and keep on navigating, which is the root cause of the problem or he could just remove the light and then the alarm would no longer be there. The problem is still there, but he just removed the indicator. That is what many of us do with alcohol. We have a bad day, we are stressed, we are in pain emotionally or whatever the signal may be. Instead of dealing with what is really going on we "remove the indicator" with alcohol, while that stops the alarm, we are still going to wreck. I found that helpful. She also had one about bugs and a pitcher plant. Some very helpful analogies, considering I am a pilot for a hobby, it rang true with me.

I am only on day two, but I am quickly searching for things to do with the time that I would be drinking. Such as writing, learning guitar, exercising or anything that occupies my mind and body. Replacing the negative behavior with positive ones helps me.

Like I said only at day two, but I hope this helps a little bit.

I am glad you are here. I am glad I am here, and I am thankful for the two days without drinking.

Sounds like you are at the cusp where I am, we can do this.

:You_Rock_

I have been working one on one with an addiction specialist/MD for several years, although have only been sober for about 23 months. Had periods of off/on sobriety before that. Obviously, it's worth it to try just about anything to get sober. The method I've chosen works better for me then AA did.