“Normie”
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 4
“Normie”
I’ve never posted to anything like this before, and quite honestly I never thought I would be in a position to need to; however, I have reached my breaking point where I can no longer handle my situation alone.
When I met my fiancé, he was 6 months sober. He was forthcoming with his past which made me fall even more in love with him, and he successfully completed 1 year and 4 months of sobriety. He was 5 days shy of 1 year and 5 months when I discovered he had relapsed, Over the past 4-6 weeks we have been in and out of hospitals. He’s had 2 surgeries but most of the trips were due to “lower back pain and numbness/pain in his leg”. I never revealed to the doctors that he is a recovering addict nor did he. As a result of holding my tongue, they repeatedly pumped him full of fetynal, morphine and sent him home with prescriptions of Tylenol 3, diazepam, tramadol and NORCO. I had been keeping his prescription pain meds with me at all times, administering them to him as needed and by the prescription.
Yet, somehow, he managed to lift 7 diazepam and 6 tramadol right out from under my nose.
It was a couple of days before I discovered the missing pills. When I confronted him, he acted as if it was no big deal. I flushed the meds. All of them. I was so hurt and angry. He had relapsed and I began blaming myself. Looking back now, I can clearly see everything that should’ve been a red flag for me, but since I’ve never been with an addict I have absolutely no idea what to look for or what to expect.
Over the next few weeks after the pill discovery, he started sneaking weed, but was actively seeking something more. His drug of choice had always been opiates and heroin. He would tell me that the weed he was smoking was “damage control” so he wouldn’t go out and look for something harder. That was a lie.
Last week was the breaking point for me. He told me that there was a former client of his (side note: my fiancé worked as a recovery advocate at a rehab facility for almost a year and was working there when we began dating) had called saying he was going to kill himself. My fiancé told me the kid was in Austin and had been kicked out of his sober living house. Me being the stupid woman I am, I believed him so we drove 3 hours to Austin to “save” this kid. We pulled into a very shady looking hotel, obvious addicts walking and scoping the parking lot. My fiancé said he would be right back, that the kid only wanted to talk to him but that he would try to convince the kid to talk to me too. I waited in the parking lot of that shady hotel for 45 minutes I guess, my gut screaming at me the whole time that something wasn’t right. Finally he came out. I knew as soon as he got in the car he was high as a kite. He denied it profusely, but once we got home, he became severely ill. He spent the next 12 hours vomiting, sweating, shaking, had a seizure, all the while denying that he had done anything. The next day, another seizure, more vomiting, so I called the ambulance. It wasn’t until after he was released from the hospital and we were back home that he admitted he had snorted a diazepam in that hotel and that the kid we went to save actually wasn’t there. I already knew the kid wasn’t at that hotel because while my fiancé had been in the ambulance, I went through his phone. Messages between him and the kid, who gave my fiancé a contact number, my fiancé looking for “white or tar”, asking for pins, all of the evidence pointed to heroin. He denied but said he snorted a pain pill.
Yesterday I discovered that $140 had been withdrawn from an ATM; a transaction that happened just before our trip to Austin... a transaction I never preformed. He denied that he did it. I then found in my bathroom, a bent spoon with a piece of cotton and dark brown tar on it which had a small syringe and Q-tip right beside it. When I asked him about it he said the guy from the hotel that gave him the diazepam asked my fiancé to get rid of that stuff for him and handed it to my fiancé who claims he then put it in his pocket and forgot about it til we got home then he “tossed” it in the top cabinet.
Basically, everything is a lie and even though I know that, he refuses to admit the truth to me. I don’t understand why.
I have never felt more alone in a relationship than I have in the past 6 weeks. I feel helpless, lost, angry, sad, depressed, and alone. I don’t know what I should do in this situation and that’s why I came here- to find support and help from others who have been or are currently in situations like mine. I love him, but I can’t sit by and allow him and his addiction to destroy me and my life. I want my sober fiancé back. This monster that has been running our lives for the past 6 weeks is not who I love but I don’t know how to go about handling this in a healthy way. I realize after reading some of these posts and responses that I have been approaching things incorrectly because I have been begging with him, arguing with him, we’ve yelled and screamed and cussed at each other. I’ve taken this whole relapse so personally but am starting to realize that none of this is my fault and I can’t blame myself.
I scoured the house today while he was gone and found all kinds of things- syringes from when he did steroids a year ago, empty vials, weed, roaches and half smoked joints (the places I found these things I removed them from their hiding place and left my fiancé a note saying “not here” then proceeded to flush them or trash them), a pipe, and lighters. I also found a very small empty plastic baggie with brown residue inside close to some tufts of cotton off the end of a Q-tip and another syringe. One of the cotton tufts was brown and kind of hard. I’m going to make a safe assumption that it was used for heroin. I’m certain that’s what he did in that hotel room and that he bought some with the $140 he withdrew and brought it home and that’s why I found the burnt spoon with residue and cotton in it.
Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated because I don’t know what to do from here. I feel so empty and broken and alone. I used to be strong and didn’t take any nonsense from anyone ever, but this whole thing has broken me down to a point where I am scared for my mental, physical and emotional health. If y’all have any literature suggestions I would appreciate that too. I’m looking into locations near me for Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings and times and I’m really wanting to get a better understanding of addiction but I also need to help myself first and foremost because I can feel myself fading away at a very rapid pace.
Thank you for any help or advice y’all can provide me with.
When I met my fiancé, he was 6 months sober. He was forthcoming with his past which made me fall even more in love with him, and he successfully completed 1 year and 4 months of sobriety. He was 5 days shy of 1 year and 5 months when I discovered he had relapsed, Over the past 4-6 weeks we have been in and out of hospitals. He’s had 2 surgeries but most of the trips were due to “lower back pain and numbness/pain in his leg”. I never revealed to the doctors that he is a recovering addict nor did he. As a result of holding my tongue, they repeatedly pumped him full of fetynal, morphine and sent him home with prescriptions of Tylenol 3, diazepam, tramadol and NORCO. I had been keeping his prescription pain meds with me at all times, administering them to him as needed and by the prescription.
Yet, somehow, he managed to lift 7 diazepam and 6 tramadol right out from under my nose.
It was a couple of days before I discovered the missing pills. When I confronted him, he acted as if it was no big deal. I flushed the meds. All of them. I was so hurt and angry. He had relapsed and I began blaming myself. Looking back now, I can clearly see everything that should’ve been a red flag for me, but since I’ve never been with an addict I have absolutely no idea what to look for or what to expect.
Over the next few weeks after the pill discovery, he started sneaking weed, but was actively seeking something more. His drug of choice had always been opiates and heroin. He would tell me that the weed he was smoking was “damage control” so he wouldn’t go out and look for something harder. That was a lie.
Last week was the breaking point for me. He told me that there was a former client of his (side note: my fiancé worked as a recovery advocate at a rehab facility for almost a year and was working there when we began dating) had called saying he was going to kill himself. My fiancé told me the kid was in Austin and had been kicked out of his sober living house. Me being the stupid woman I am, I believed him so we drove 3 hours to Austin to “save” this kid. We pulled into a very shady looking hotel, obvious addicts walking and scoping the parking lot. My fiancé said he would be right back, that the kid only wanted to talk to him but that he would try to convince the kid to talk to me too. I waited in the parking lot of that shady hotel for 45 minutes I guess, my gut screaming at me the whole time that something wasn’t right. Finally he came out. I knew as soon as he got in the car he was high as a kite. He denied it profusely, but once we got home, he became severely ill. He spent the next 12 hours vomiting, sweating, shaking, had a seizure, all the while denying that he had done anything. The next day, another seizure, more vomiting, so I called the ambulance. It wasn’t until after he was released from the hospital and we were back home that he admitted he had snorted a diazepam in that hotel and that the kid we went to save actually wasn’t there. I already knew the kid wasn’t at that hotel because while my fiancé had been in the ambulance, I went through his phone. Messages between him and the kid, who gave my fiancé a contact number, my fiancé looking for “white or tar”, asking for pins, all of the evidence pointed to heroin. He denied but said he snorted a pain pill.
Yesterday I discovered that $140 had been withdrawn from an ATM; a transaction that happened just before our trip to Austin... a transaction I never preformed. He denied that he did it. I then found in my bathroom, a bent spoon with a piece of cotton and dark brown tar on it which had a small syringe and Q-tip right beside it. When I asked him about it he said the guy from the hotel that gave him the diazepam asked my fiancé to get rid of that stuff for him and handed it to my fiancé who claims he then put it in his pocket and forgot about it til we got home then he “tossed” it in the top cabinet.
Basically, everything is a lie and even though I know that, he refuses to admit the truth to me. I don’t understand why.
I have never felt more alone in a relationship than I have in the past 6 weeks. I feel helpless, lost, angry, sad, depressed, and alone. I don’t know what I should do in this situation and that’s why I came here- to find support and help from others who have been or are currently in situations like mine. I love him, but I can’t sit by and allow him and his addiction to destroy me and my life. I want my sober fiancé back. This monster that has been running our lives for the past 6 weeks is not who I love but I don’t know how to go about handling this in a healthy way. I realize after reading some of these posts and responses that I have been approaching things incorrectly because I have been begging with him, arguing with him, we’ve yelled and screamed and cussed at each other. I’ve taken this whole relapse so personally but am starting to realize that none of this is my fault and I can’t blame myself.
I scoured the house today while he was gone and found all kinds of things- syringes from when he did steroids a year ago, empty vials, weed, roaches and half smoked joints (the places I found these things I removed them from their hiding place and left my fiancé a note saying “not here” then proceeded to flush them or trash them), a pipe, and lighters. I also found a very small empty plastic baggie with brown residue inside close to some tufts of cotton off the end of a Q-tip and another syringe. One of the cotton tufts was brown and kind of hard. I’m going to make a safe assumption that it was used for heroin. I’m certain that’s what he did in that hotel room and that he bought some with the $140 he withdrew and brought it home and that’s why I found the burnt spoon with residue and cotton in it.
Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated because I don’t know what to do from here. I feel so empty and broken and alone. I used to be strong and didn’t take any nonsense from anyone ever, but this whole thing has broken me down to a point where I am scared for my mental, physical and emotional health. If y’all have any literature suggestions I would appreciate that too. I’m looking into locations near me for Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings and times and I’m really wanting to get a better understanding of addiction but I also need to help myself first and foremost because I can feel myself fading away at a very rapid pace.
Thank you for any help or advice y’all can provide me with.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Gerard52 
Run! and that is deadly serious. You need to get away from him.
I want to help him and save him but I know that the only person who can save him is himself... and right now it doesn’t seem like he wants to do that at all.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 431
Originally Posted by laureneliz1286
I have been battling back and forth with whether or not I should tell him to leave. In the midst of everything that has gone on, I’ve told him that he either needs to go get help or leave. He insists that he doesn’t need the help and that he will “prove” to me that he can get back to his old self. And I TRULY want to believe that, but because of his actions and his lies and deception I no longer trust anything he says. Most days now I dread even having to see him because I don’t see the man I fell in love with, I see this monster who has taken over the love of my life. I worry about giving up or telling him to leave because he has been threatening suicide for about 2 months now and I couldn’t live with the feeling of guilt if I told him to leave and he actually went through with his threats.
I want to help him and save him but I know that the only person who can save him is himself... and right now it doesn’t seem like he wants to do that at all.
I want to help him and save him but I know that the only person who can save him is himself... and right now it doesn’t seem like he wants to do that at all.
You have nothing to feel guilty about safeguarding your own well being and having to be here with this is not doing that.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: England
Posts: 645
This suicide thing is total emotional blackmail. I understand that you love him but he is not your responsibility. You have no reason to feel any guilt for anything he does. By your own admission you are 'fading away at a very rapid pace.' Please take care of yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by decchemist
This suicide thing is total emotional blackmail. I understand that you love him but he is not your responsibility. You have no reason to feel any guilt for anything he does. By your own admission you are 'fading away at a very rapid pace.' Please take care of yourself.
I want to do this and I want to tell him that I don’t want contact with him until I return home. My soul is telling that that’s what it needs. My trust in him is nonexistent and the foundation of our relationship is shattered.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by laureneliz1286
I want to help him and save him...
Please pop over to the Friends and Family of Addicts forum. Plenty of folks who have been right where you are now.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
Lauren. He is using you as his soft place to land. If it were me, there is no way I'd turn over my home and "leave" for a break from this chaos. Instead, I would perhaps pay for t
wo nights lodging in a motel for him to get some distance while I start bagging all his stuff, and have it delivered to a storage unit of his choosing. Enough of the games and lies. He is an addict, and the sooner you get him out of your home, the sooner you can begin to heal. He's manipulative and untrustworthy. He is well into his addiction and you may find your valuables are taken, sold, destroyed. Need I paint you a clearer picture? Get your locks changed. I would wonder with all the current BS if your fiancé is still employed? My guess is not. Cut your losses and run.
wo nights lodging in a motel for him to get some distance while I start bagging all his stuff, and have it delivered to a storage unit of his choosing. Enough of the games and lies. He is an addict, and the sooner you get him out of your home, the sooner you can begin to heal. He's manipulative and untrustworthy. He is well into his addiction and you may find your valuables are taken, sold, destroyed. Need I paint you a clearer picture? Get your locks changed. I would wonder with all the current BS if your fiancé is still employed? My guess is not. Cut your losses and run.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
While this reads noble, this is very insidious and can be at the root of many dysfunctional relationships. Any one reading what your have been through with you addict would question why you are still there. Yet there you are, in the midst of chaos hoping for a happy ending.
Please pop over to the Friends and Family of Addicts forum. Plenty of folks who have been right where you are now.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/
Please pop over to the Friends and Family of Addicts forum. Plenty of folks who have been right where you are now.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/
I can promise you it will only get worse, likely to depths you think impossible now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Yeah. Don’t go to a hotel. Tell him to leave, pack his things, and kick him out. He knows what he is, that nice man made the choice to use, knowing what it would mean and he did it anyway. He did that to you, a monster didn’t. You don’t really know him. Kick him out, if you don’t, I promise it will get worse.
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