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Tonight would have been 6 months..

Old 08-01-2018, 11:04 PM
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Hey SR friends...I'm here, I'm listening, I'm not better.

My mom has told me that if I don't come, I am a worthless, selfish waste.

I have to go...I just need to survive.

I hope I can do that by coming here...

Thanks guys, I am lost without you
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Old 08-01-2018, 11:12 PM
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If you go they;ll still talk about you that way, wildflower.

maybe it time to put yourself first?

D
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Old 08-01-2018, 11:12 PM
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I want to stop this ride....I want off...now..

I didn't see this coming, is this normal?

The last time I had any real sobriety was 3 years ago, when I signed up to SR...I was clean 8 months.

Same story, I went on a date, drank to feel "loved" and accepted.

Same story again, I went on a date, drank to feel "loved" and accepted.

I want to feel loved and accepted on my own, no drinks, no boyfriend, no family.

When I do this....everyone says there's something wrong with me, I'm secluded, distant, different....sober.

F%%k them all.....I like the distant, secluded, sober me...

Thoughts?
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Old 08-01-2018, 11:52 PM
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It took people a while to get used to the new me (who was actually more the old me, but anyway...)

People who only knew me or only remembered me as drinking Dee thought I'd become humourless and boring, and to be honest I expected that - a lot of my relationships by the end of my drinking days were pretty superficial.

I give thanks every day that I had the chance to become the authentic me again.

I seriously would not change my life at this point in time - it's not perfect but it's pretty damned good

D
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Old 08-02-2018, 12:28 AM
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Hi wild flower.

Sorry to hear you drank but you will get sober again.

I agree with the others about setting g healthy boundaries. You are an adult and don't need to spend time with people family or not who make you feel inadequate.

Your mother will think the same of you whether you take the trip or not. Definitely time to put yourself first . Why visit when you clearly don't want to go and know it will trigger you.

Time to make new healthy habits and not engage with toxic people.
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Old 08-02-2018, 12:37 AM
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Originally Posted by wildflower70 View Post
Hey SR friends...I'm here, I'm listening, I'm not better.

My mom has told me that if I don't come, I am a worthless, selfish waste.

I have to go
...I just need to survive.

I hope I can do that by coming here...

Thanks guys, I am lost without you
See bolded section above.

Your mom insults you and pushes the buttons that only a mom knows how to push...and this means you 'have to go.'

I don't think she's actually offering you loving inducement. More like using the weapons that she knows will bring you to your knees in front of her.

"Then I'm a worthless, selfish waste. See you next time."

Just a warning. When she sees that her usual weapons aren't working anymore, she will throw everything she has at you to keep you under her control.

It's your choice, not hers.
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Old 08-02-2018, 01:04 AM
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I agree with MM. your mothers comments seem to be more about controlling you than from a place of love, respect and appreciation of you.

Sometimes One has to show people how one wants to be treated. By acquiescing to your moms request to visit, after she has called you worthless, you are telling her that it’s ok for her to call you worthless.

Is that what you want?
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Old 08-02-2018, 01:14 AM
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Stay strong, Wildflower. I know relapse is tough. Today marks three months of being sober for me and it's still tough. Every day is a battle. But remember just because you have relapsed, doesn't mean you have to give up. You can get back up again and continue fighting this beast. Will be thinking of you and hoping for the best.
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Old 08-02-2018, 01:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
If you go they;ll still talk about you that way, wildflower.

maybe it time to put yourself first?

D
I agree with this.
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Old 08-02-2018, 01:23 AM
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Originally Posted by wildflower70 View Post
.....I like the distant, secluded, sober me...
As in a healthy, independent person with boundaries.

I think many of us come to sobriety with a whole lot of baggage, some inherited and some that we created as ways to cope with the disconnect between what we felt the world outside demanded of us versus the "me" that we believed existed inside. Even the "inside" me wasn't truly me, it was a collection of stories that I told myself about me. In some ways, they got me off the hook: "I'm shy, I don't like to talk to people" - this gave me permission to avoid others. Since becoming sober, I've discovered that my "shy" story was basically shame with a mask - I didn't think I was worth sharing with others, and I feared rejection or ridicule.

These discoveries are things that we pick up along the way in our sober journey. That journey comes to a screeching halt when we drink or use. I have come to cherish my sobriety as the foundation on which everything I now value in this life is built. But the "house" (me) needed a lot of TLC at first, it was disheartening to discover how many things needed attention to bring them into good working order. There was a lot of old garbage that needed to be thrown out too. Parting with the things you've surrounded yourself with for most of your life is hard to do. But eventually, I got my house to a point where not only is it a pleasant and functional space to be, but it's capable of weathering some pretty nasty storms too.

Before any of that could be possible, first it needed a foundation.
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Old 08-02-2018, 03:59 AM
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Gosh, Wildflower, all this family stuff is hard. Like a couple people mentioned, I had some big enmeshment issues to work through with my parents once I got sober. Our dynamic had to change a LOT and like others said, that had to start with my actions and choices.

I ask this respectfully, do you want to be sober? Would you be willing to go to any lengths to get and stay there? That is the point I had to reach. Once I did, I absolutely had to make only choices that supported that. Realizing I needed to protect my sobriety no matter who or what that meant saying no to was one place I had to start.

It can sound totally selfish to think of or hear people say that our only or first responsibility in sobriety is ourselves. I had to realize the truth of hat for me meant choosing between sobriety and, literally, whether I lived or died, and then deal with everything else in life, in time.

Please stay with us. I don't think we get infinite chances to get sober let alone develop a new life in rewarding recovery. You are still alive, so you have a chance to start now.
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Old 08-02-2018, 05:34 AM
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Hey Wildflower, I think your feelings are 100% justified. I have family issues as well. My last relapse was Oct 2015 after a couple months sobriety and it was because of my parents. I have stayed minimal contact since and I'm doing great. There is some pain because these people raised me, but they are toxic.

I hope you can find some peace. You are not worthless, you are not lazy, you are you and deserve to be accepted. Sober up and things will get back on track. Like you say, get off of the ride now.
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Old 08-02-2018, 05:42 AM
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6 months sober is great. I hope you get back on track. I think it is easy to get off track near sober anniversaries.

sorry for your mom's comments. You can always reschedule. She would just have to accept it or stay mad. Your not responsible for her actions on it.
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Old 08-02-2018, 05:51 AM
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I went very low contact with my Mother in early sobriety back in the 80s. I told her that I couldn't deal with her judgemental condescending attitude and talk.

When she would start in on it again, I would leave the room, the building, the state! I would hang up the phone. It took years for me to figure out that if I didn't react, I didn't get upset. It became much more important to me to maintain my emotional balance than it was to engage my mother's particular brand of crazy. They are who they are, my mother didn't apologize or accept any fault whatsoever for any problems in any relationship. It was always someone else. Seems pretty common, right?

To be fair, I'm sure she thought it was aaaaaaallllllllll me. Don't care.

Limited contact, therapy, a thousand self-help books and long-term sobriety made all the difference in my life. After a while I just let it go in one ear and out the other...during my one week per year visit. She didn't change a lot, I just stopped reacting to her and engaging in the dance. That made all the difference.
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Old 08-02-2018, 05:54 AM
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I invite you to consider that your Mom may be wrong about you? She is not your higher power, but you put her in that place. You put her there. You can take her down.

WF this is hard stuff. I have a very dysfunctional family. Don't need to go into details. I have to have a 'conference call' with my brothers tomorrow to discuss my parents diminishing health tomorrow. The brother that molested me will be on this call. To say that isn't very stressful is an understatement. My point being, I get it.

Your addiction wants you to continue the unhealthy relationship with your family because it justifies your drinking. Only you can choose to end that thinking and replace it healthy thinking. I would recommend starting with, who gives a fluck what anyone thinks of me. Truly. Think about that.
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Old 08-02-2018, 05:58 AM
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'm not sure if this link will post because there is curse word in it. But you can google the gist and get the article.

https://thegrowthlist.com/how-to-not...-people-think/

Yeah it doesn't work. But google how not to give a fluck about what other people think and this will come up. Obviously fluck needs the L removed
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Old 08-02-2018, 07:55 AM
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I invite you to consider that your Mom may be wrong about you? She is not your higher power, but you put her in that place. You put her there. You can take her down.

This is exactly it....i have been begging for her love since I was a little girl. I don't think she is capable of giving me that love.

This is what I must accept, and move on.

Thank you all for your kind words.....DAY 1
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Old 08-02-2018, 09:22 AM
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I was never too keen on people talking down to/about me. Felt like being punched in the face,so I was a 'yes man' instead. When I used those as excuses for MY drinking, I was punching myself in the face and that got me nowhere in MY life. While getting/staying sober I learned that's MY #1 responsibility. Nobody else is going to get/keep me sober,but ME. No one 'makes me' drink,but ME. I learned to own MY actions and what actions of other's I'm willing to accept in MY life. Blaming others and even our own pasts is a pointless venture. If I know something is a problem past or present, it is up to ME to take action towards fixing MYSELF. Be it meetings,therapy,posting here,ect..It all falls on ME to do something about it.
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Old 08-02-2018, 09:53 AM
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Originally Posted by wildflower70 View Post

This is exactly it....i have been begging for her love since I was a little girl. I don't think she is capable of giving me that love.

This is what I must accept, and move on.

Thank you all for your kind words.....DAY 1
you have been her hostage long enough, wildflower. good to see ya starting the process of breaking free. it would be wise to look into setting some boundaries and what you will do if those boundaries are crossed.

something you should seriously start doing:
any time youre by a mirror, look at yourself in it.
NOT at your hair. NOT for dust bunnies on your shirt/blouse.
right into your own eyes.
and say," i love you today."
do that every time youre near a mirror. keep doing it until you "get it."

also, work on actions that show you love yourself, which putting them boundaries in place would be one action of that.

ya sure as hell dont deserve that crap from family or anyone- they are very sick people and you can kill yourself trying to meet their expectations.
crazy how we can do that- bend over backwards to meet the expectations of others, yet our own expectations of ourselves?
dont even think about em.
either way, there IS a solution for everything.
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Old 08-02-2018, 11:02 AM
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I watched a 'recovery story' last night(first time I've watched one in over a year) and the guy said this about his continued relapse; " I was trying to fill an internal hole with an external solution." I think that could very well apply to most in/starting recovery. It may be a common saying,but I had never heard it put that way.
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