wildflower70

Hi Carl,

I never wanted or expected to be perfect....my family (adult kids and mom) want me to work more, do more, be more...than I am.

I am financially well off, so I don't work that much (15 hrs/wk) and I have been devoting my free time to sobriety.

They think I am lazy, don't work enough, should just "get over it".

I thought I was doing the right thing... take care of my sobriety first! Be healthy! work enough to sustain my current lifestyle! Why...Why...Why...isn't this enough??????

doggonecarl

So your family has high expectations. Doesn't mean you have to meet them.

DontRemember

I don't care to live up the other's expectations of what I should be doing. I'm my own person. Like I said; I used to use other people,places and things as a justification(excuse) for my actions/drinking. I don't anymore.

wildflower70

Carl,

If I am told one more time..."Your not enough"

I'm going to lose it...

How did this get so out of control? so fast? I NEVER thought about booze, for 6 months.

Now, that's all I want...........

thomas11

No disrespect to your family but who in the hell tells someone "your not enough". What's wrong with them, didn't anyone teach them some manners along the way?

wildflower70

thomas...

I have has a trip planned for 3 months...to see my son and grandchildren.

Now, out of the blue they say they are busy...businesses trip, obligations..ect...

My last visit was awesome!

This all came out of the blue...

Now, I'm flying to be with the ones I love, only they won't be there..

And, how can I say to my mom..."well I'm not going to make the trip just for you".....that seems shi$$y


UGH

2ndhandrose

Hi wildflower

What about accepting that you never will meet their expectations?

Not because you aren't good enough, but because they are simply unpleasable.

I hope you can find a way to let go of the need to please people (family or no family) who will never say "well done".

You are enough

thomas11

Oh boy, that's a tough one. I guess I would give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they are being truthful? Regardless, protecting your sobriety must remain a top priority. You'll get through this. Keep posting.

entropy1964

Hmmm. Well you have adult kids so that makes you at least in your 40's? So your enmeshment with your Mom is extremely unhealthy and totally age inappropriate. That isn't a judgment....I have enmeshment issues too. And its a huge part of staying sober to learn to set healthy boundaries. With everyone. And I, only I, own that. I own my feelings and my reactions. If I am acting with good judgment, honesty and compassion I can rest assured that my boundaries are appropriate. What other adults do with those boundaries is up to them. This, for me, is the foundation of emotional maturity.

Sounds like you now have the perfect reason to back out of the trip that you are saying is a huge trigger. The airline will more than likely allow you to reschedule the trip with a small penalty. Crisis abated. Now you can work on yourself. If your Mom throws a tantrum, well, that's on her. If you engage said tantrum, that's on you.

Alcoholic thinking is huge circular, never ending trap. Trigger, victim, expectations, judgments, fear, comparisons, anger. Step out of the circle by accepting that you control how you respond to everything.

TeeJayVerm

I agree. I have no issue with disowning family members who don't treat you well. Life is too short.

My wife and I have a similar agreement with my in-laws. They are triggers for drinking... they are on the opposite end of the political spectrum when it comes to events currently happening in the world... I choose not to spend time with them.

My hometown is a huge trigger. I severely restrict my visits there now. It is not helpful for my sobriety. I would rather move forward with my life and not backwards.

You are your most important priority. Best of luck!

least

My last relapse was at six months sober too. Then I buckled down and worked hard and now I'm over 8 yrs sober. Make this a new start and do whatever it takes to stay sober.

Outonthetiles

At my house, alcohol either gets regifted, dumped, or in one case, physically broken with a rock in the backyard.

tealily

wildflower,

as someone who is I think about your age -- sandwiched between elderly parents and a younger generation -- I urge you: Take care of yourself first. Just like the old "put the oxygen mask on yourself before trying to help others".. it's NOT selfish. It's in your best interest and theirs. You won't be any good to anyone if you give in to this alcoholic thinking (why does it matter, why not just give up, why not sit on a beach and drink margaritas.. that's the AV if I've ever heard it).

You still have a life to live and a good one if you'll let yourself. Going back to drinking is not the answer.

Stop beating yourself up about this champagne. Learn from it and get back on track. You are worth it. Don't listen to those other voices. Of family or the AV.

wildflower70

I'm hanging on by a thread guys...

I feel my grip slipping.

I'm screaming, and no-one can hear me...

thomas11

Are you currently drinking WF?

tealily

What's going on, wildflower? Are you by yourself? We are here for you.

Caramel

What would help you best, wildflower?

Kindest thoughts to you.

2ndhandrose

We are here and we are listening to you

Please keep posting, wildflower.

Dee74

You can tell then 'I'm not making the trip because of my health'.

I had a family who told me I wasn't good enough at every turn...I stopped seeing them for a while, like a couple of years. We only spoke on the phone.

When I reinitiated contact they were pretty much the same, but I was different.

I'd learned my worth and I knew that worth wasn't contingent on what others thought of me.

I was able to walk through situations and comments which before had left me angry and resentful, and simply brush off the words.

I realise now that what they say says volumes more about them than it does about me.

In the same way, I think you need to flip your focus about what happened on the weekend - 'not I effed up' but 'I had 6 months of brilliant recovery'.

I think you were doing great in your 6 months - you had a great plan going...but you're not the first person here to be undone by the temptation and the opportunity to drink.

Forgive yourself. Its in making mistakes that we learn.

Take the lessons here - revise your plan - and get back on that horse

D

StellaBlu

Hi Wildflower & congratulations for making it to six months of sobriety. That is quite an accomplishment!

Regarding your family, if I had a drop of water for every time I was made to feel 'less than' and disrespected by my family I swear I could fill a great lake. And like you, it was exhausting trying to meet their expectations. I eventually stopped trying - including not visiting them when I felt it was risking my sanity.

Point is, you don't have to go see your family. I would take Dee's advice and site your health as a reason. Back out.

You and your sobriety is worth more than putting up with condescension and disrespect. You can always re-engage when you feel stronger.

Best to you.