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I hate sobriety, need sobriety, and need freedom

Old 07-31-2018, 06:41 PM
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I hate sobriety, need sobriety, and need freedom

I have been using substances for half my life, I've been in active addiction since 16. I am aware that I use to forget past trauma and also a false sense that substances will give me freedom from my pain, emotions, the constant mind racing. I relapsed recently and I was given an ultimatum by my family. Use again and I lose everything, namely my daughter and family, I would lose my place to live and other stuff but that is not even comparable to my family. I have put myself on lockdown, I admit that I can't have any freedom or money. I've never done this but I can't lose my daughter. I don't go to AA as it has not worked for me. I'm on Suboxone now but I'm struggling with drinking. I am so anxious but I can't use it. What does anyone do when all you can think about is using, like for 3 days you are just wound up and scheming. I'm not religious, I do have interest in Buddhism and some spirituality but I need another answer besides find God. I know other methods exist. Thanks for listening.
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Old 07-31-2018, 06:44 PM
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Welcome to the family. I hope our support can help you get clean and sober for good.
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Old 07-31-2018, 06:44 PM
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You may want to see a psychiatrist. Sounds like u r self-medicating underlying issues.
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Old 07-31-2018, 07:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Horn95 View Post
You may want to see a psychiatrist. Sounds like u r self-medicating underlying issues.
I have a psychiatrist and a therapist and yes I'm self medicating I felt like I said that.
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Old 07-31-2018, 07:47 PM
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It sounds like you have three days free of alcohol—if so, that's a great start. Defend that, as it is worth it.

Tackling underlying issues can take years. In the meantime, maybe check out some techniques to calm the urges? Lots to go with — exercise, meditation, change of routine. Also check out urge surfing (here or via google). Basically, you don't fight or fear cravings, but instead observe them without acting on them. Sounds stupid simple but it's been beneficial to me.
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Old 07-31-2018, 08:21 PM
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I hear what you are saying, and believe me, I understand.
it seems like you need to get some breathing room out of your head.
10 minutes obsessing in your head can feel like weeks.
I have found that volunteering helped me to get out of my myself and my problems, if only for a couple hours.
it does not have to be that "official". knock on some doors... churches, homeless shelters, food banks. just say you would like to give a couple hours of your time. shoot, even just grabbing a broom and pitching in when you are not even asked might get you yelled at, or you might find people to talk to.
even just for a couple hours. make them count.
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Old 07-31-2018, 09:18 PM
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Sobriety means to me that I'm free from the slavery of alcohol's poison. I can't say I'm a spiritual person as such, but meditation and Buddhist ideas have helped me a lot. But it all starts with staying away from alcohol permanently, day in and day out. SR can help you along the way as it helped me. I never used any other organized program, just SR, my curious mind, lots of heavy duty introspection, and lots of tinkering around as the results of my experiences came in.
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Old 07-31-2018, 10:29 PM
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Welcome RandyLee
There are good options available for you here. No God needed. Check out the secular recovery section of SR. This whole website is great - filled with amazing folks; the secular corner is a little slower than the main page but plenty to read and ponder.
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Old 07-31-2018, 10:57 PM
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Welcome Randy,

I understand, I also made the erroneous connection between alcohol and freedom. its so crazy and a complete opposite.

It's seems to me because of that ultimatum your family gave you you may need to do something radical. I get it because Im on the same boat if I keep on it I will lose even more stuff, people , myself. I already lost my job and my career, not fun at all.

wishing you luck,
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Old 08-01-2018, 03:10 AM
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Originally Posted by RandyLee1015 View Post
I need another answer besides find God.
Perhaps you should go find RandyLee. My guess is it will be a harrowing journey filled with pain, misery, and discomfort, but at the end of it you'll find someone really special.

And freedom.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!
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Old 08-01-2018, 04:37 AM
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Welcome Randy and welcome elisava.

The best advice I can give is post as much as you like, read around - find people who have the kind of recovery or attitude you want and go for it...

D
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Old 08-01-2018, 10:01 AM
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You can use Buddhist mindfulness techniques without buying into the whole religious aspect. Also yoga. Many such practices are linked with Eastern religions, but I found I didn't have to buy into, say, the hundreds of volumes of Buddhist prayers and scriptures. Mindfulness also helps deal with cravings.

I was pretty sick and did inpatient rehab, AA (for a while, it didn't really work for me either), outpatient CBT-based rehab, individual therapy, mindfulness practice (need to get back on that), sort of my own version of Rational Recovery/AVRT. Different things at different points in my sober journey. I'm sobriety method agnostic. The best method is the one that speaks to you and keeps you from drinking.

I will say that it gets easier, for me I really started to relax into sobriety at about 6 months. I love being sober, I love the way I feel, I love being present, I love what my body has become. The longer I remain sober the further away I get from drinking and using. I rarely have cravings now, and if I try and visualize the once-pleasant glow from a cocktail or two...it really doesn't seem all that pleasant.

I'm also finding a purpose in life that I couldn't discover when my life revolved around getting drunk and recovering from binges. No longer a physical, mental, and spiritual shell of a person, I have more time and energy to bring positivity into my life.

How long have you been sober, or are you trying to get there? I think some kind of recovery method and structure would be helpful. Inpatient gets you away from temptation and can give a jump-start and gets you away from the rest of your life long enough to really "get" sobriety and how good it is. If not possible, an outpatient program could be VERY helpful. Mine was life-changing, and was 4pm-6pm Monday through Friday, plus one earlier day for individual therapy centered on recovery.

Keep checking in!
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