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I feel utterly wretched

Old 07-30-2018, 08:44 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I cant admit it all out loud. Not to family who would have to know I was going. I'm just not able. Finding it really difficult to type it on here
C
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Old 07-30-2018, 08:52 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Cuckoo,
they already know.
they were there and saw it all; your mom commented.

i get the fear of "admit it all out loud". and i did that first in a meeting, with strangers who understood. i was not prepared for what a huge relief it was!
it was a turning point.

glad you're here.
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Old 07-30-2018, 09:19 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Cuckoo View Post
I had family over on Saturdayfir my daughters birthday. Put lots if effort in to decorating the garden, food etc. Husband went out to pick up a relative and of course that was my chance to knock back a load of wine before everyone arrived. I dont remember anything after about the first two hours. I dont know if I cleared up afterwards or if someone hepled me. The washing up was all done. Garden furniture was tidied. Someone had left their car at ours and taken a taxi home. I dont remember that. I dont remember ANYONE leaving.
My mum told me the next day that I shouldnt drink as I was drunk for the whole time. I am gutted, I wanted to enjoy the day.
Checked my fone this morning (monday) and I had a 15 minute phone call with someone at 8.15 last night and have no memory of it. I just keep doing it, day after day.
Re thinking my whole life now. Its gone beyond a joke
C
Why not start with talking to your mum? She is likely to have concerns over your drinking anyway from the sounds of it. She might even come to a meeting with you. Our loved ones tend to be far more aware of the problem than we give them credit for. I remember a time when the idea of my mum knowing was heart-stopping for me, but she was just happy I was finally knocking all that insanity on the head. She's now met some of my close AA female friends and has thought they were all 'lovely', which of course they are.

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Old 07-30-2018, 09:36 AM
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Cuckoo, when I decided to get sober, I was in the exact same place you are now. Blackouts, no memory of what I did or said, like I lost my very soul.

I know you're scared. I was too! We beat ourselves up so badly for making promises to ourselves and not keeping them. I'm here to tell you, you can take back your life. You can do this. Don't pick up that first drink! Come here, talk out your feelings. Each day you'll feel better about yourself, gain confidence, make progress in reclaiming your life.

A good start is joining one of the support threads, make yourself accountable. It really does help.

Here are the 24 hour and the July threads.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-400-a-18.html (24 Hour Recovery Connections Part 400)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-2-a-2.html
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Old 07-30-2018, 10:02 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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I cant admit it all out loud. Not to family who would have to know I was going. I'm just not able. Finding it really difficult to type it on here

that cat's already out of the bag, cuckoo.
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Old 07-30-2018, 10:35 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Cuckoo View Post
I cant admit it all out loud. Not to family who would have to know I was going. I'm just not able. Finding it really difficult to type it on here
C
humility never hurt anyone.
lack of it has destroyed nations and buried alcoholics.
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Old 07-30-2018, 10:57 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Cuckoo, alcoholism definitely destroys your soul, but you can get past this.

Don't allow yourself to get overwhelmed at this moment. Take it slow, and do what you can do today to stay sober.
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Old 07-30-2018, 10:59 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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I was 'lucky' that I didn't have to admit my problemed drinking to any family/friends. They already knew from my prior drunken actions/antics. Hell..the only people,besides here, who have heard me talk/own my problem were in the rooms of AA. I think most people are affraid to 'out' themselves for fear of never being able to drink infront of those people again. I know that was me to a T. Surrender is a very freeing experience and makes getting/staying sober a hell of a lot easier.
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Old 07-30-2018, 11:11 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Many of us have stood right where you stand - shame, pain, suffering and all the lying, deceit and forgetting.

But you know you have to change and you have to make some difficult but crucial decisions. As a father I too have drank in the face of the pain that I was causing my son.

Use the pain you have to leverage yourself out of the mental trash heap you are in. Choose not to do that to your daughter ever again.

Would you rather admit to them you are choosing to get better at life and perhaps attend an AA meeting? Or instead let them see the waste of life you are becoming? The poison tells you that the latter is better - don't admit the problem - as if they all don't know.

It's a load of pain, there's no question there. But clarity and confidence and peace can be yours - if you are willing to do the right thing and not drink.

If only all diseases has this simple of a cure. Just don't drink.
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Old 07-30-2018, 11:19 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Nothing to be ashamed of in owning up and accepting oneís alcoholism. Nobody cares anyway. People do care about an irritating, liability of a drunk however. Itís irrational to have fear about going to AA due to what people might think when people are seeing you blackout drunk. They may actually agree itís exactly where you should be. However itís your call and I can only offer my experience.

Once you get some recovery under your belt things become clearer. Humility is a great quality and one which is vital in recovery from alcoholism in my experience.

Alcoholism is a great leveller.
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Old 07-31-2018, 01:06 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Day 1 done 😁
Still feeling crippling anxiety over last weekend but I am telling myself that people have busy lives and I am probably not top of their list of things to concern themselves with.
Something else that struck me at work yesterday, none of my co workers have a clue about my drinking. I dont see them out of work and I dont drink at work. How unfair that they get happy, funny, sensible me and when I get home my family get drunk, stupid, disgusting me 😥
Time to flip the off switch for good....the guilt is crushing me.
Have a good day everyone.
C
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Old 07-31-2018, 01:28 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Cuckoo View Post
Day 1 done 😁
Still feeling crippling anxiety over last weekend but I am telling myself that people have busy lives and I am probably not top of their list of things to concern themselves with.
Something else that struck me at work yesterday, none of my co workers have a clue about my drinking. I dont see them out of work and I dont drink at work. How unfair that they get happy, funny, sensible me and when I get home my family get drunk, stupid, disgusting me 😥
Time to flip the off switch for good....the guilt is crushing me.
Have a good day everyone.
C
Brilliant Cuckoo, I was thinking about you last night. Great that you never touched that drink.
I totally know where you're coming from Ö.. very few people knew I had a drink problem Ö. work, kids school etc....all thought I was a very sensible professional person Ö.. at home it was a different story.

We can do this.

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Old 07-31-2018, 01:29 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Cooko well done on day one. In my experience getting sober with no support is v difficult. Thing is here you seem to have shame over accessing help but yet your family see you in that state. Yes ya a horrible place to be and although they donít know at work eventually your ability to perform at work will suffer. It will take everything including your family thatís a fact been there lost everything due to my inability to get sober. This is real this is alcoholism and itís serious
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Old 07-31-2018, 01:51 AM
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Hugs to you. And glad you are sober.

On other poeple their switch is a but like a dimmer switch, they can have drinking on low or high then switch it off. Our switch is faulty. We're either sober or drinking. Nothing reliable in between. Sometimes we might be lucky and have an okay day or evening, but to put the switch on is like a game of Russian roulette. If we switch it on, be may just have to stay on til the electricity / alcohol supply runs out or we blow a bulb.

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Old 07-31-2018, 02:14 AM
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I couldnít out think my alcoholism and never could. Self knowledge wonít keep me sober. Only working a solid recovery program will do that. Iím an alcoholic.
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Old 07-31-2018, 05:28 AM
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Way to go on day one! Excited for you to keep stringing days together.
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Old 07-31-2018, 05:32 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Congrats on day one. I know it's early but I really urge you to start thinking a little bit on how you'll stay sober. even if it's a a commitment to post here daily, and especially when you're in trouble - that's a start, and not a very overwhelming or onerous one

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Old 07-31-2018, 08:43 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Cuckoo View Post
Something else that struck me at work yesterday, none of my co workers have a clue about my drinking. I dont see them out of work and I dont drink at work. How unfair that they get happy, funny, sensible me and when I get home my family get drunk, stupid, disgusting me 😥
Time to flip the off switch for good....the guilt is crushing me.
Have a good day everyone.
C
I had started drinking steadily 2 years before I started my current job in 2005. While I've never drank at work, I had no problem drinking an Irish Coffee or two before work... and it's pretty easy when you work 2nd shift. The people I work with (about 500 of them) have no idea either. However, a few months ago, I admitted to my 2 best work buddies that I have alcohol issues. They've been very supportive. For me, letting people I care about in on my "secret" helps me to not want to drink. I don't know your work situation, so it may be a stupid suggestion.
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Old 07-31-2018, 08:55 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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way to go, Cuckoo!
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Old 07-31-2018, 02:07 PM
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So proud of you, Cuckoo. It'll be a whole new beginning.
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