lessgravity

I happen to to be on my own, away from my family, for a few nights now this week. I'm staying in an apartment, by myself, with a stacked liquor cabinet. I'm 108 days deep in the final and permanent sobriety that I know I've needed and I've desired, even if I was unable to achieve it, for so long.

I'm simply not going to drink. I know that I'm not. But all it would take is very little to disturb the surety, peace and equilibrium that I feel. I don't want to alarm anyone, if anyone would be alarmed anyhow, this isn't a post where I feel a craving. I just wanted to check in here and be honest and have accountability should there be some unforeseen urge that arises.

Ladysadie

You sound really strong in your resolve. Go with the peace within, you're right on track. This is awesome.

daredevil

Since you’re a non-drinker now, rather than a drinker who is presently abstaining, I’d say you’re insulated from the booze, and yes, your resolve is impressive nevertheless.

ScottFromWI

Are you purposefully staying there just to test your resolve? I know I definitely tried that kind of thing early on, just to see if I could. Looking back I wish I hadn’t.

KarltheheretiK

Sounds to me like a temporary test you have to endure. And you're going to be just fine. I know the "tone" of someone's voice can get lost in letters, but I hear no cry for help here. A little support and validation never hurts, but I think you'll be fine.

esinger

I had a cabinet full of liquor in my house for a few years after I quit. I guess I needed to challenge myself and prove everyone wrong that told me to get rid of it all. Finally sent it home with a family member. I guess I'm stubborn. I don't think I'd recommend it to most people trying to get sober. Only you know what you can handle.

Helianthus

I had the same situation a couple of weeks ago when l was left to my own devices for four days. I was concerned when l found out it would be happening, at the speed of light l thought ohhhh l could drink l'm all alone no one would know. But just as quickly the thought left my mind because l would know, the only person l would be cheating is me and what's the point in that?

I'm glad you checked in, stay strong

MindfulMan

Keep us posted, and have an escape plan.

I don't think you'll need it. You don't drink anymore.

I had two non-alcoholic beers, one last night and one tonight. It had nothing to do with a craving, I just wanted something to drink with some delicious small plates food, they had it, and it wasn't awful. They had the same brand at the restaurant tonight so I had anther one.

I know what you mean about wanting to tell people and be accountable, I was going to bring this up here just as a check-in. I'm assuming you're just doing the same. My drinking fake beer had nothing to do with wanting to get drunk. I really didn't. I don't drink alcohol anymore. But I still wanted to give it to SR so people I know and trust can call ******** in case I'm really poking the bear.

You be allright.

Cosima11

I guess that's one good thing about getting sober single and living alone, lol. There's never been anyone else to take the perceived blame/credit. You'll be just fine. It's you that's been keeping you sober all this time, no one else.

Dee74

I had a combined birthday party for me and my Uncle yesterday - I bought him some port cos he's a normal drinker and he likes port.

I had it sitting here for a week and never gave it a thought.

I sat around yesterday while some very merry people imbibed and felt not one ounce of resentment disquiet or disgust.

This is livin ', less

D

Nonsensical

I'll be in a similar situation next weekend, except I'll be home alone, not on the road.
Bottles of wine in the fridge I won't be drinking.
Old people across the street I won't be robbing.
Escort services on Craigslist I won't be calling.
'Real Housewives' programming I won't be watching.

These are things I just don't do.

Keep rocking it, Less'

August252015

I would not leave it there. Not because I want to drink it (now) or because I would want to be concerned by it in any way, especially if I was concerned enough to share here (though it is good that you did).

Tests are always a bad idea when that is what anything seems to be- once things don't cross your mind as a test, like having alcohol in he house if you choose (we do not, just because....we don't), that's what the BB talks about as strong in recovery.

I would box it and put it somewhere or give it to someone. If someone who isn't home now needs it later, it will be where they can get it....and that's another discussion I would want to have.

dwtbd

Sounds like a plan for permanent sobriety that contains provisions for unforeseen urges would be better suited.

Numblady

Good job for just putting it out there in case. I am with Helianthus though. As I think we may have talked about before I live with and am married to a heavy heavy drinker and am surrounded by a sea of alcohol including every wine I ever loved. I hang out with drinkers in addition to my husband sometimes too. The times it has crossed my mind that no one would know (like when they were all out of town for five days) I just come right back to: oh yeah! I would know. I know you’re not stating you are tempted, and I think you are just pointing out the short putt between sobriety and loss thereof for all of us who have been tempted and stuck in our prior lifestyles. But for what it’s worth from one person who hasn’t cut out being around booze altogether to another ( at least, I think we are similar in this) that does seem to help me. That and starting that damn sobriety counter again. I just. Can’t!

thomas11

Great job posting. Keep posting if necessary. You don't even need to think about that liquor cabinet. Just go about your business.

lessgravity

Thanks to everyone for the responses so far. No, this is not a self-imposed test.

I really like what Non had to say - because I think that's right. There are myriad of options that I don't take in life, it just turns out one of them now is drinking. I pass liquor store after liquor store in the City, restaurants and other means of pouring the poison down my throat. Each time, I do not choose to drink. And so the liquor will sit by its lonely self, unused in the cabinet.

I don't drink.

entropy1964

Who leaves their liquor cabinet behind? haha. What even is that?

tealily

I liked Nonsensical's post too! There's truth there. We all have to navigate our world, with all its many dangers, within our own boundaries.

But ... there's also the point that you DID used to open bottles of alcohol and drink them, regularly. You probably didn't call escort services or rob old people. There's a bit of muscle memory there that there isn't in those other situations. It's just a little close for comfort, for me. Maybe it's not, being in someone else's apartment. (You're not likely to raid someone else's stuff at this point.) But all things being equal, I'd rather not have such glaring easy access, for me.

At this moment, there's some white wine in our fridge, right next to the half and half I reach for daily. My poison was white wine. It's even the same variety. It belongs to my elderly dad, who has a sip when he comes to visit. It isn't tempting me, but EVERY time I open that fridge it makes me pause. Gives me a jolt. Pokes me in the stomach. I just don't like it. I'm "only" 14 months in. I had A LOT of white wine in this house and, before, it was always mine.

My husband is out of town. There's no way I'm going to drink it, but I think all the same I'm going to move it to my dad's house.

Good for you for thinking out loud with this.

You're doing amazing, less. Keep it up!

lessgravity

Thanks tea. You too, nice work.

You're right - I didn't need to give up sticking up old ladies on the subways and proximity does make a difference. But part of the feeling I am focusing on is a mantra I found myself using earlier this year that I still turn to from time to time - no one is coming to save me.

No one is coming to save me doesn't mean that I'm lost but instead that I have everything here within me to save myself. It also addresses that feeling all drunks have - that "tomorrow will be the day I quit", the perpetual feeling that things are going to change somehow for us, without us doing The Work ourselves. In the end, it's my self that is doing the saving here.

tealily

I understand that too, less. And I agree. That's what helped me turn the corner, finally, when I realized I really did have the power to stop in my hands all along (like Dorothy) -- all by myself -- by finally deciding to do so. No need (and drop the expectation) for any savior, outside power or circumstance to swoop in and change things.

I truly am not tempted by this particular wine in my fridge. Of course, back when I was "Trying To Quit" (a weak stance and delusion of the highest order), I could've easily reached in, opened that bottle, said, 'What the heck', and drank the whole thing, then gone to the store to replace it so "no one would know". (Ridiculous self sabotage.)

Now, I wouldn't do it, because I've turned that page. And I truly don't want it.

I've read enough here, though, about people relapsing that -- while I'm in this transition time (which I think I'm still in) -- I don't want to get overconfident either.

Your posting about it here is an example of you being aware and on guard too, for yourself, and I think that's a good thing.