I'm looking for others who have spouses that sabbotage
 

Last month, I quit drinking for about 2 weeks. I felt really good about things! Then, my husband came home with all the ingredients for mojitos. A drink I love, and he doesn't. Of course, I drank and that ended that attempt at sobriety.

I'd love to connect with others that have or have had similar issues to learn how to overcome this problem.

I have the same problem. My wife hates my drinking, but wants a drinking partner. Last night she offered me some wine. Really? You tell me you hate my drinking, and then u offer me some wine so I can drink with you?

When I was first sobering up I sometimes felt that way. My wife drinks but she doesn't drink the way I do. Really she only wanted me to stop falling over in public but that was a request I knew I could not guarantee. When I first started to quit I hadn't yet told her about the liver issues I was currently discovering with the dr. I did want to quit deep down inside also.

I think the pain of seeing me suffering would often kick in her nurturing side, she felt bad. I remember the first time I made it over 60 days, on day 69 I said "F-it" and she went and grabbed a $200 bottle of pinot that was in our collection. A couple months later I relapsed harder and it lasted with about a month of heavy drinking , there was a time she told me I was more fun when I was drinking. That one I took too heart a little more than I should have. I asked her about it later and she was just trying to make me not feel bad about the relapse.

Now days she knows better than that and there have been a couple times where I did pour a glass of wine only to throw it out where she was alarmed and checked to make sure I didn't drink it.

Sometimes that nurturing side can result in actions that would seen to go against both of your best interests.

There were times I thought she was sabotaging me but now that I can actually think clearly without the fog of early sobriety and moodiness that she was just trying to comfort me the only ways she knew how at the time.

i think it helps if we are clear about our intentions to our spouses and partners. but also we need to remember that at all times WE own our sobriety, no one else. we do not drink no matter what. and if that means leaving the house for a bit, or heading to a meeting, or locking ourselves in the bedroom, then short term, it's what we do.

I think all you can do is to talk to your husband and be clear that you are not drinking anymore.

You can stop drinking and recover, despite what your husband says or does. This is about you and your intention to live a sober life. :)

It can be difficult when you have those close to you that continue to drink, but sobriety is a single person journey and no one can force you to drink again.
You can make it clear to them that you have a problem and do not want to continue, but it likely may fall of deaf ears as non alcoholics simply don't understand, or perhaps don't care if they are actively drinking themselves.
I would stay active with a recovery group like AA, smart, or any other you choose, and have a "bail out" plan for these situations, and to never use them as an excuse to drink.

Unless your spouse is actually "sabotaging" you - ie sneaking alcohol into your apple juice in the morning, I doubt it's something other than a normie not able to understand the level of your problem. For me, up until and maybe even including now, my wife never "got" why I couldn't just have a couple and leave it. It's just a level of understanding that is very hard for people who are not addicts to achieve.

I used to like it! Would mean that I could convince her that I could have a couple drinks and things would be fine. Only I knew just what that meant - and that I would end up down the same dark, deceitful alcohol road.

I agree completely with Anvil on this. My husband, and my father who lives with us, are active drinkers. My husband still asks me to stop on my way home and buy alcohol and even asks me to mix his drinks!! My husband has a drinking problem.

My father is a normie and doesn’t usually care about alcohol one way or the other. Since I’ve quit, he purchases my favorite drinks and likes to tell me just how tasty they are. He also has become a mixologist and offers me a taste every time he mixes a drink.

My words seem to fall on deaf ears. But I own my decision not to drink and choose not to indulge. As for the mixing of my hisband’s drinks, it’s amazing how “busy” I get with chores or the kids and just can’t seem to find the time to mix him one.

It’s maddening and frustrating and makes me feel very negative towards them but ultimately it is my own grit and determination that keep me from taking one sip.

My ex was convinced I was an alcoholic.
She said I know it sounds bad but I don’t want you to stop altogether.
She just wanted me to drink when she wanted me to drink.

Well that worked out well
She dumped me shortly after she qualifyed in her law career for being an alcoholic.

Didn’t let the relationship I’m in now go to waste.
Although I almost did.

The problem was solved by realising that even one drink was not possible. No matter what.

Is your husband an alcoholic? If not you should be able to set really clear boundaries with him. The trouble starts when the other spouse has issues with alcohol as well. If he doesn't maybe agree upon an alcohol free home.

Is he an enabler? This is really complicated. Because its a 'thing' as much as the alcoholism. And the two types can get locked into a deadly dance. Both needing 'recovery' and a new way to communicate and inter-relate.

My AH tried to sabotage me in my early quit. I stuck to my guns and now have about 8 years quit.

I could understand him doing it as he had lost his drinking buddy however I needed to stop and get well.

My then BF, when I stopped drinking would drink at home for about the first 3 months. Needless to say, I broke it off when I was 5 months sober. I don't want to be with someone who A. isn't supportive (drink away from the house) B. Who drinks. That is just not in my cards anymore.

My ex husband was like that whenever we had a fight he would call me an alcoholic and blame me for whatever we were fighting about even though he is an alcoholic too. Anyways any time I decided enough was enough and I wanted to be sober he would tell me that I was being ridiculous and of course I can drink just don’t get too drunk 😖 he totally wanted a drinking partner as long as it suited his agenda . He would even expect me to sit at the bar with him for hours on end when I was pregnant and couldn’t drink . Glad I got rid of his sorry ass ! Sorry still bitter .
Thank goodness my new husband doesn’t drink so I have a lot of support . If I had to do it all over again I would have told my ex to go drink without me and if he drank at home I would not be around him .
This is our time to take care of ourselves if our spouses are not obviously only thinking about their fun than it’s ok for us to only think about our health!!! Good luck 🍀

It took me years (decades) to understand that it was not possible for me to moderate my drinking. It took my partner even longer. Now, at 4 years and 4 months sober he has accepted I no longer drink, and have no intention of doing so, but boy, it was tough going for the first 18 months. If it wasn't for the fact that I owed him amends I wouldn't have felt I could stick with it. Blunt words needed to be spoken (with love, and calmly) and firm boundaries made (on MY part) in order to move forward.

This is unlikely to be the last time someone offers / gives you alcohol. That's why working on my recovery has been essential. I still live in a world where there is alcohol, so I need to have the tools in me to be be able to make that choice not to drink, each and every day, and sometimes multiple times in any one day. AND the willingness to make that choice, regardless of any fear or initial embarrassment that I may have felt at the beginning.

Bottom line is, not everyone will understand the nature of my addiction and that I can't drink, not even one. But that's okay, because I'm the one who decides whether I'm gonna drink or not. I don't owe it to anyone to drink. Not for any reason....
Not to keep them company or make them feel less embarrassed about their own drinking.
Not to change my personality to what suits them better for the moment (I remember one lady alcoholic saying her husband just wanted her to be mostly sober, but still drink on sex nights because then she'd be more open to things that she wouldn't do sober - sometimes our integrity is a bit of a bind for others, but that integrity is precious. I found that out after living with none for long, long time).
Not because they have made me or bought me an alcohol gift (purposefully or accidentally - and these gifts won't even always be drinks! One very kind lady at work gifted me a beautifully presented jar of preserved cherries and other fruit in brandy one Christmas. I thanked her for it, with every intention of giving it to someone else who could enjoy it without issue. Someone must have reminded her that I'd 'stopped drinking' because she came running back and gave me a very tearful hug and retrieved it, and next day came and gave me something else. She had nothing but good intentions, but she just forgot for a moment. Other folk just don't 'get'it.

I did have two friends trying to sabotage me -my old closest and most regular drinking buddies. That was more easily dealt with as I just avoided them unless they were happy to meet for activities that didn't involve alcohol. I thought I was being a bit paranoid about them, but when I showed one of them my 6 month AA chip she said she was proud of me and confessed that she had tried to sabotage my efforts in the first month or so. I felt pretty angry and hurt about that for a few days, but then wuth the help of some AAer old timers I realised that I just needed to accept it and move on from my resentment as that would do me more harm than her sabotage attempts had. She's since had a baby so rarely drinks herself now. If I was still drinking I don't suppose she'd want anything to do with me now, especially not be around her kid. Funny how things work out.)

Anyway. What's your plan going forward?

BB

My husband is an alcoholic and has no desire to quit. He pretends to be supportive but really he isn't because he wants life to continue the way it is, with both of us drunk. When he is sober (which is only early in the day) he is miserable. Other times (after just a few drinks) he is amazing and wonderful. He has been my best friend for 30 years and I still love him with all my heart. But, I have just come to the conclusion that I have to choose between sobriety or him. This sucks.

My exAgf tried to have me "drink normal",but the problem was neither of us were normal drinkers. Eventually she met a guy at the bar while I wasn't there,because..well..bars aren't very 'fun' for long when you're not drinking. She also tried to play the "I want to get sober too" card,but words without action are just words. Like your husband,she was miserable when not at least slightly intoxicated. She was a downright B**** when blackout drunk towards the last couple years together,so it just made sense for me to leave her. Her new guy has already left her too. It's YOUR life to live and same for him. Maybe he'll come around...maybe he won't.