The news is out
 

.... I can never. Ever. Ever. Drink again.
No wait. I WILL NOT EVER EVER DRINK AGAIN.

I am sending this PSA from my bed in the hospital ICU.

Monday night I called an ambulance for myself after a long day at work and about an hour of biking to work and then an hour walking and biking home made for a very strenuous day on an incredibly overtaxed body.

I climbed into my bed and felt all the fluid in my stomach that just wasnt being absorbed. I couldn't keep it down. I couldn't even sip enough alcohol to keep me from going into withdrawals. Even after all that being on my legs all day the most terrifying part was that I could no longer feel my arms. Or my legs. I was so weak I couldn't walk and could hardly talk or dial and hold the phone. The my head had been constantly spinning all day and just kept getting worse. I called the healthline and told them what was going on. I was told, get thyself to the hospital. With no car and no one to drive, I called the ambulance.

I was honest with them about how much I was drinking and what was going on. I hadn't been able to hold down half a days worth of fluids. It sat in my stomach for 4 hours before coming back up.
I told them about my eating disorder. About stopping my meds and the withdrawals for that. Then the tremors started. Then the rigidity started. My electrolytes were dangerously low. I was put onto two different IVs. When the second one was put in the pain was so searing bad that I started hyperventilating and my heart rate shot through the roof. I tried to calm my breathing then I started to seize. I couldn't move my hands or legs, my feet were flexed and I was totally rigid my wrists unmovable and my hands in claws and all I could do was stare up at the ceiling and whimper "somebody please help me".

Another patient's wife next to me in the er saw me through the curtain as she walked by and stopped and asked if she should get the nurse. All I could say was please help me. The nurse and the doctor came and said I needed some valium, they tried to get me to calm down but that was when the full paralyzing seizure started and into the trauma bay I went. It got worse until they gave me a good shot of valium and then I dont remember the rest because as I fell asleep for a few hours.

Later in the morning they moved me back into the er and let me know they were admitting me into the ICU for observation and stabilization.

Didn't take long to get a bed ready and up to ICU I went. It was nice to have my own room and it was big and quiet and dark. Then was the round of bags and bags of fluids and blood tests to try and correct my sodium and potassium.

Today I am now going home. My levels are good but my kidneys and especially my liver are not in great shape. My doctor flat out told me if this continues I'm going to die.

I mean, I knew I was going to die. If I didn't get help right away. But I needed to hear it out loud. I woke up this morning feeling better rested and more positive than I have in months. And healthier.
I made a sh*t choice to deal with a sh*t situation.
Now I still have some chronic pain and mental health issues to deal with, but I was terrified I'd never be able to quit drinking again. I prayed and prayed for help and maybe this was a little drastic but I feel in my heart it was the kick in the arse I needed to get my head back above the vodka water. This was the answer to my ask for help. I was treated with much kindness. I am so filled with gratitude.
Now the rest is up to me with a little help from some caring people who are waiting to give it.

Love to all of you always
Happy to be back
Xo Delz

I am so glad that you made it through that. Welcome back!!

((((((((Del)))))))

So wonderful to see you back. I’m sorry you have suffered so.

I'm so glad you are well enough to post and are coming out the other side. That sounds absolutely terrifying - thank you for posting, it's helps others to remember how dangerous this substance is. Love and best wishes to you in your recovery. Gabe x

So glad to hear your are ok. Very smart move on your part to call an ambulance, you probably saved your own life. Onward and upward, no more drinking.

I am back home now and getting ready to dump what's left quickly before I let my AV kick in. I am still dealing with the anxiety and I know I am just going to have to deal with the clonazepam withdrawals but I am so much more clear headed and ready to kick butt again.

Thanks guys :)

So glad you are ok. Do you have some f2f support? That was an ordeal and I hate to think of you being all alone.

Did you tell them that you are addicted to clonazepam? Withdrawing from benzo's is just as dangerous as alcohol.

I’m so glad you are home and okay. That sounds terrifying. Definitely get rid of any alcohol you have the house. Do you have anyone who can come over and stay with you for a bit?

So glad to hear you are ok......you have suffered a terrifying ordeal.
I wish you all the best in your recovery.

Wow, so glad you’re ok! Something remarkably similar to this happened to me a few years ago. Reading this was like reading an account of that evening... I too went to work after binge drinking all weekend. Like hard binging. I knew nothing of withdrawal and thought I was just hungover. Nope; I too had to call an ambulance and ended up in the ICU for 2 days with bag after bag... I wouldn’t wish that experience on my worst enemy.

I encourage you to write about it now; how horrible you felt, how terrifying it was. Read it whenever you think of picking up again. We all need reminders! Keep posting and getting active in recovery! Best of luck ��

I'm glad you told your story, Delz. I'm happy you're posting - and filled with new resolve. You can stay free of it and have a wonderful life. We never needed it - we just thought we did. Thankful you are back among the living.

I'm glad you are out of hospital.

Alcohol was a thing that entered our lives, it used to be welcome, now it isn't. It's your life, kick it out and never welcome it back.

Happy to see you home and ready to beat this thing for good Del

Oh yeah Frick, I told them about the ongoing clonazepam withdrawals, although the med was prescribed and was never abused, the new dr I was seeing decided after about 2.5 yrs it was time for me to come off of it, so I've been dealing with the withdrawals from that since April as I tapered down. It sucked. And sometimes it was unbearable... so I'd drink to cope. That turned into big binges during my days off... maintenance drinking... we all know the story.

I started getting fearful of the damage I was doing to my brain as I was progressively losing feeling in my feet and hands, with some pain, confusion, short term memory loss, loss of hearing, you know, all that stuff we like to google when we've drank ourselves scared and senseless. I knew I was in trouble whether I stopped or not. So when I laid down in bed and was too tired to take a proper breath and couldn't feel my arms at all and just felt like I was ready to pass out I knew it was time.

That in itself was scary. The seizure was the most terrifying part.
I could have died. They put me on antibiotics as they were concerned I was septic.
I pulled some horseshoes out of my a$$ again, I definitely had someone watching over me. I can't do this to myself anymore. I've used up all my chances.
Right now I am still struggling with the compulsive thoughts, they're nothing but thoughts and I really don't want to drink. But I am home alone, fortunately with no wheels and I've cleaned up all the empties and dumped out my little stash (my other stuff was found and taken by my ex).

Today is day 2. I honestly can't remember the last time I said that.

I'm really glad you're still here to tell the tale Del :hug:
Let this be the turning point. It has to be.

D

I am glad your okay. Great job on day 2! I hope you can rest this evening.

:)

That sounds like an intensely scary and horrifying experience. I’m glad you lived through it. Wishing you strength and determination to never happen again. Peace to you.

Please let this be the turning point...the last time you ever pick up a drink. I'm not telling you anything you don't know, but there will be a point-with continued drinking and benzo use-that your kidneys and liver simply will not be able to turn around. My sister just died a month ago from cirrhosis and there were so many points along the way when there was still a chance and then one day...just like that...the chances were all up. There was nothing, no procedure, no medication, no nothing that could keep her liver, kidneys, and gradually the rest of her body, from failing. One of the last things she said was "I don't want to die. I want to go back, I want to run around in the yard...play with the kids." She wanted one more chance, but it was too late and the chances had all been used up along the way.

She was so scared and she died with regret.

You get another chance. Take it.

good to see you back,Delizadee.
you can choose to pursue a different way forward and i hope you will.

Welcome back Delizadee. I'm glad you were able to get the care you needed in time to have another chance at this. As horrific as it was - you know your AV is going to be back. It's relentless and your physical well being will improve enough that it ( AV ) will start whispering that it's OK to have one. Make a rock solid plan/committment to be ready when that happens.