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Trying to fit into this world VS being authentic

Old 07-23-2018, 05:07 PM
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Trying to fit into this world VS being authentic

I'm tired and have probably been thinking too much about anything in the last weeks and days. But I feel like I very often stand in front of the following problem:

When I act and behave so I do fit into this world, have a "functioning" life on the outside, then I feel not much myself. It's like I am behaving in ways that I learned in therapy or from society to meet other people's criteria for what is normal, healthy and good.

But when I am being my true self and feel happy within, like I am really being me, then I don't seem to fit very well into this world and can't seem to meet our societies expectations and standards.

It's not about not wanting to adapt. I can adapt and I like the feedback I get for it, when people are happy for me cause I seem to have my things together and seem to make "progress" in their eyes, being more able to function. It just makes me feel empty and out of touch with my truest self. It feels like I am living a role I created for myself, one I can identify with in parts, one that I like and think is a very nice and good person. It's just not exactly me. And it is such hard work.

It feels like I can't get those two together. So I would like to know, how do you do it? How much do you bend over to fit society and how much are you being your true self? Or did everything I say just sound very strange to you?
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Old 07-23-2018, 05:15 PM
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Stay true to yourself as much as possible. You need to be honest with yourself. Everyone puts on a happy face for those around them. Finding out who you are and accepting your self is the only way to true recovery. Everyone has to compromise at some point in relationships.
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Old 07-23-2018, 05:30 PM
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It just seems like those two things are so far apart. The true me wouldn't ever leave the house and feels overwhelmed and scared of going to the supermarket. I feel like such a big child. I am intelligent and I understand very complex things but I can't do all these adult things. It overwhelms me to stick to opening hours, to plan things, to write a shopping list, to take out the bins, to remember to phone people or to try and find out what their needs are. And all external influences affect me so much that I feel constant stress so I automatically end up detaching from my inner self somehow. If I were authentic I would never meet people in any park, restaurant or elsewhere cause the background noise is too much and I get so stressed and distracted by it, that I can barely listen to them. It's like everything I get told to do in therapy is nothing I will ever be comfortable with. I do it, but it overwhelms me so much, it doesn't feel like me. In a way it reminds me of my drinking, desperately trying to make something work that never will work for me. I don't know how to explain it.
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Old 07-23-2018, 07:25 PM
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Originally Posted by kevlarsjal2 View Post
It feels like I can't get those two together. So I would like to know, how do you do it? How much do you bend over to fit society and how much are you being your true self? Or did everything I say just sound very strange to you?
Nothing you said sounded strange; I can identify. I guess for me, if being my true self is going to hurt or inconvenience others, then I try to be on good behavior. I don't see it as inauthentic, just more mannerly.

But weird and awkward is also kind of my comfort zone, so when it does no harm that's where you'll find me.
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Old 07-23-2018, 08:40 PM
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I grappled with this a lot in my 20s and 30s.

I think if there's a choice one should always be happy.
If being authentic gives you that, then go for it!

If you can make the occasional foray into society and interact a little as well?
so much the better

I really do find like attracts like.

I've met some amazing people in the decade or so since I decided to be just me

D
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Old 07-24-2018, 04:31 AM
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Not comparing my insides to others outsides is a lesson I have learned in AA. Creating my own world of solid me-ness, an o going process, means including those people places and practices that contribute to my healthy, happy sober life.
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Old 07-24-2018, 04:39 AM
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I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one struggling with this! Maybe it also is an age related thing, Dee.
I always assumed that once I get to a certain age I would start liking and enjoying the same kind of things as most people that age and that certain things would just get easier for me.
And while it seemed to go like that for me throughout the last year or so, my life got really normal. I more and more started to feel like a trained monkey. My therapist is very pleased with me, thinking I am doing great. And if fitting in is the goal, then I am getting very good at it. The more I train it, the easier it gets and the less it exhausts me to pretend or to deny myself certain things. But I don't think that I make progress in the true sense, not getting over any traumas or stuff, I just get better at knowing what is expected of me and how to present just that. I get better at acting, better at controlling my feelings.

She has this outlook that everyone can live a normal life and no longer struggle with things if you find out which fears are behind it and then learn other ways to think about it. Which generally I agree is a good outlook.
But I also feel like there are just certain things that I struggle with in life, that always were problematic for me and I don't think that there's necessary a trauma or fear behind everything.

For example I am living with a room mate now. It looks like progress on the OCD and social anxiety front. And whereas I made my peace with her not putting things where I expect them to be and leaving the occasional mess in the kitchen, I still "suffer" from it a lot, feeling very stressed. I just got better at keeping myself from having meltdowns about these kind of things where I end up making a big scene.
It takes so much energy to constantly calm myself down again.
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Old 07-24-2018, 04:45 AM
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I see what you mean August. I am not so much talking about that kind of fitting in though, I mean it more in the way of functioning.

I don't mean having to do the exact same things others do and like so much. I am okay about having odd interests or weird seeming routines or priorities.

I mean mostly things like going to the grocery store, meeting friends, going to meetings, using public transport, organising oneself. It's all things that I am getting better at, on the outside but that cause me very high levels of distress and leave me feeling so drained. But if I don't do them, then I feel like I will never fit into this world cause I will not be able to have a job or to take care of myself. I sure must adapt to a certain degree but I am unsure where to draw the line and how.
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Old 07-24-2018, 08:02 AM
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I've never made any attempt to "fit in" with the world and it's pretty obvious to anyone who knows me. I do things for myself, not to live up to some other person's expectations.
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Old 07-24-2018, 01:00 PM
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I think it really boils down to the expectations you set for yourself and your goals kevlar. "Not fitting in" all happens inside your head. It really has nothing to do with other people or what they think/feel/know -those are things completely beyond your control anyway.

Have you ever considered counseling? One of the things I learned from my therapist was the concept of mindfulness and meditation. One of the key things mindfulness does is to allow you to do exactly what you can't seem to do - just let things go. One of the analogies I love is the "river of thoughts". Imagine yourself standing by a swiftly flowing river or stream. All the water is your thoughts - and they will never stop flowing just like the water in the river will keep going. One of the choices you have is to simly stand on the bank and watch the thoughts flow. Or you can put your toes in the water and deal with a little bit of it at a time, and they will still be there when you come back next tiem. If you decide to dive in head-first to try and deal with them all at once, you will likely be drowned - just like in real life.
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Old 07-24-2018, 03:54 PM
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The things you speak of aren't fitting in so much as basic life skills many of us take for granted. Even those who pretend to have it together don't always. Says the woman who woke up to 26 cents in her chequing account.

They will come with time. It isn't so much inauthentic as perhaps a new skill set that is both challenging and frightening.

To me it would be inauthentic if you paid bills but didn't believe we should. Or hated grocery stores but shopped there, kinda like me and Walmart. (how they can sell Tide so much cheaper than anyone else)

You have to remember, growth comes from stepping outside your comfort zone. As a teen I was horribly shy, I started public speaking competitions. I did pretty well, in my 20s I sank back into my anxious, shy shell until, for work I was forced out. Man I felt like someone else. Now I speak frequently to large groups, you need a hook to get me off stage. I give talks, lead round tables, participate in and facilitate pitch competitions. I made enough pitching to cover the expenses of one of my companies until it turned a profit. At first it seemed impossible, i thought who am i becoming. Now it is so natural, I do it without thinking and it is absolutely who I am and completely authentic.
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Old 07-24-2018, 04:07 PM
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I am in my late 20s and sober for 1 year and 9 months. I do whatever my therapist asks me to and I succeed. I try to break my routines to be more flexible and I try to get better at improvising. I meet friends outside where there is a lot of noise. I am not shy, I was never shy. I am perfectly comfortable talking in business meetings when there is a clear structure and I have no problems talking on a stage either.
I don't mind one on one conversations with friends in a quiet setting. But some things they just stress and overwhelm me so much. When I go to dinner with a group I get confused about who to talk to and I can barely separate the different conversations and all the noise is constantly distracting me. I don't think I can get used to this. I am practising this for over 1.5 years now and whereas I get better at hiding how stressed I feel, I don't get less stressed in many situations. This was just one example but it's so many every day tasks that I struggle with. Finances and paying bills is okay. It's just really odd things that stress me out massively. Like my room mate wanting to buy a different colour of dish clothes. I know that it shouldn't stress me. I can't even say why it does. I just know that these things don't get better, I just get better at hiding them cause I know I shouldn't have a meltdown because of stuff like that.
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Old 07-24-2018, 04:34 PM
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Trust me in today's society everyone thinks likes you. Most are just trying to fit in and hope that they don't get singled out and branded as the strange one out of a group. Or fired or given a less desirable task.

I find The adult world is not to different to the schoolyard, it's just in the adult world we have to put on a fake smile at first.

Iam very authentic, but lately I've been in a you could say grey area in my mind and life, and this grey does not exactly put a smile on my face. And I show this, in new groups and social events, at dinner tables. Iam blank atm

Does this single me out? Yes it does but I can't do anything about it.


In regards to the dish cloths stressing you out, this might come down to the fact that you don't know how to express yourself and say "NO I disagree with this."

I found alot of my social anxiety was to do with not knowing the power of "NO" and how to use it properly.
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Old 07-24-2018, 04:41 PM
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I understand. However, when a person has had their privacy violated, and almost murdered by choking on their own vomit after being roofied, who can you trust?
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Old 07-24-2018, 04:47 PM
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To be honest..these days..is there even a "normal"? I can understand if it's a career 'mold' you're wanting to fit into,but even then..what do you do after the work day? Just try to be your best self in all aspects of life,to the best of your ability and F' the 'norm'..that's done pretty well for me. There are people that hate me for living MY life that way,but that's their problem.
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Old 07-24-2018, 04:48 PM
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Originally Posted by August252015 View Post
Not comparing my insides to others outsides
Great statement, August, especially nowadays when everyone posts their (edited) lives on social media pretending they're real.
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Old 07-24-2018, 04:51 PM
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I understand what you mean. The difference between making genuine progress and just pretending everything is hunky dory but suffering for it.

The true me wouldn't ever leave the house and feels overwhelmed and scared of going to the supermarket. I feel like such a big child. I am intelligent and I understand very complex things but I can't do all these adult things.
You know what, I think you are confusing the "true you" with the anxious you. Things like going to the store shouldn't be a huge issue. Are you being treated for anxiety and/or depression?

I just know that these things don't get better, I just get better at hiding them cause I know I shouldn't have a meltdown because of stuff like that.
You're right, you shouldn't be having a meltdown because of them. Repetitive exposure to situations that make you uncomfortable helps some people - it doesn't help everyone, just like not every treatment is suitable for everyone and looks like it's not helping you very much. Have you discussed this with your therapist? You might need to find a new therapist, a new treatment, new medications (if you are even taking any).

I get what you are saying and no, that's not normal and no, you shouldn't feel you just have to struggle on pretending.
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Old 07-24-2018, 04:57 PM
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Originally Posted by kevlarsjal2 View Post
I am in my late 20s and sober for 1 year and 9 months. I do whatever my therapist asks me to and I succeed. I try to break my routines to be more flexible and I try to get better at improvising. I meet friends outside where there is a lot of noise. I am not shy, I was never shy. I am perfectly comfortable talking in business meetings when there is a clear structure and I have no problems talking on a stage either.
I don't mind one on one conversations with friends in a quiet setting. But some things they just stress and overwhelm me so much. When I go to dinner with a group I get confused about who to talk to and I can barely separate the different conversations and all the noise is constantly distracting me. I don't think I can get used to this. I am practising this for over 1.5 years now and whereas I get better at hiding how stressed I feel, I don't get less stressed in many situations. This was just one example but it's so many every day tasks that I struggle with. Finances and paying bills is okay. It's just really odd things that stress me out massively. Like my room mate wanting to buy a different colour of dish clothes. I know that it shouldn't stress me. I can't even say why it does. I just know that these things don't get better, I just get better at hiding them cause I know I shouldn't have a meltdown because of stuff like that.
Perhaps you need a different therapist. My husband is on I believe his 4th to deal with the issues he has from growing up in an abusive home. Not all therapists fit all people.
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Old 07-24-2018, 04:57 PM
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I think maybe my therapist is just a bit too eager to turn me into a "fully normally functioning adult". I have the feeling that nothing may just be "who I am" in her opinion but everything is just another symptom of some kind of childhood stuff.

Regarding the dish clothes Renvate, I know I could say no. But to be honest, I just hate when things in my home are changed. Even tiny things like that. It causes me stress for a few days or weeks. On the other side I couldn't mind less which colour our dish clothes have, I just want to avoid unnecessary change. But I am expected to learn to be more flexible about stuff like that.
Setting boundaries can be hard for me too though.


Wastinglife, I am not sure what you mean?
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Old 07-24-2018, 05:06 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I understand what you mean. The difference between making genuine progress and just pretending everything is hunky dory but suffering for it.

You know what, I think you are confusing the "true you" with the anxious you. Things like going to the store shouldn't be a huge issue. Are you being treated for anxiety and/or depression?

You're right, you shouldn't be having a meltdown because of them. Repetitive exposure to situations that make you uncomfortable helps some people - it doesn't help everyone, just like not every treatment is suitable for everyone and looks like it's not helping you very much. Have you discussed this with your therapist? You might need to find a new therapist, a new treatment, new medications (if you are even taking any).

I get what you are saying and no, that's not normal and no, you shouldn't feel you just have to struggle on pretending.
Thanks for your post trailmix! Actually I am not so sure what I am treated for. Alcoholism and depression I guess. But I don't have any paper that states a diagnose. I don't take any meds either, just some plant based stuff.

With the supermarket, it's not really anxiety related. I do feel anxious a lot about other things but it's more of an overwhelming situation because there are so many items and prices to compare. I don't enjoy going shopping for clothes either, it exhausts me to look at so many things.
My therapist thinks that I am hyperaware of my surroundings and therefore constantly scanning for a possible danger. I am not sure this is true. I didn't grow up in the happiest family but it wasn't a scene of constant danger either. And I never feel threatened by my surroundings, just overwhelmed.

I guess I really have to talk to her. It was just recently I was reviewing my progress and how I feel about the therapy when these thoughts came up. She is currently away but I will just have to talk to her once she's back.
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