DontRemember

If you shop at the same store most times,maybe build an online shopping list and price compare at home..you could even 'map out' your plan of attack and save some time.

kevlarsjal2

That is actually what I used to do! But my therapist suggested I don't do that and try to get more flexible so I am able to shop at other stores too. Which I was trying to do but it is so exhausting.
She's the 2nd therapist I am seeing. And both seem to want to change everything that is a bit odd about me, like "over planning" my trip to the grocery store. That's where I am currently wondering if this is really necessary for me to adapt to all those things better of if maybe, I could just accept that it overwhelms me easily and try to avoid being overwhelmed by ordering food online or writing a detailed shopping list in the right order. Which would make me less flexible and less normal I guess but would spare me some stress.

Renvate

In my opinion, you can be as flexible as a rubber band or as rigid as steel. Its totally up to you how you live.

earlier in my life when i had a hard time saying no, i would be overcome with emotions. Anger frustration irritability only because i was facing this moment but couldn't say "no thanks"

I still get these emotions in the phase of NO, but now i use those emotions as a flag to know WHEN to say no. Once i start feeling them then that means my body is telling me " its time to say no"

and i say it, and nothing wrong happens, in fact, i get respected more for it, which intern drives my confidence up.

small, tip. I watch a lot of videos on powerful world leaders and how they speak to journalists - these journalists want to rip them apart, but the world leaders don't let it happen by just diplomatically saying no. Another very good trait I've learned is that they don't let the journalists interrupt them, once a journalist starts interrupting the leader begins to speak even more clearly, this cements the social hierarchy, otherwise, the journalist would have a field day.

its similar to when a telemarketer calls, interrupts you and catches you in convo traps to keep you on the phone.

These small traits, when practiced amount to a position of respect for oneself, and they don't have to be aggressive.

trailmix

If whatever approach your therapist is using isn't working for you I would really hope you would mention that to her. Your feedback is all they have. For instance, let's say your therapist is using the desensitization method and it goes like this:

You - I feel totally overwhelmed going out to dinner with my friends in a crowded restaurant, it's all too much, too much noise, I don't even know which conversation to follow.

Therapist - Try attending a smaller dinner and work your way up to larger social gatherings.

You - I've been to 50 social gathering in the last year and a half, in fact i'm going out again right after this session, I am using tools to fit in better but I'm still not 100 percent comfortable.

Therapist - It takes time, keep at it! (thinking you are making progress - you've been to 50 social gatherings!).

Well you are, but you are only making progress in covering up how you feel, that's not ideal and not the point of the process. The point is to give you tools to make it so you ARE really comfortable, not just pretending to be.

Now if you said to her:

"I am practising this for over 1.5 years now and whereas I get better at hiding how stressed I feel, I don't get less stressed in many situations".

That's descriptive. Have you explained that to her? If you have and the same approaches are still being recommended I would definitely shop around for another therapist.

Can you modify your life so your dish towels are always a certain color, so that you can pick-up your groceries after ordering online or have them delivered. Sure. Thing is, that's a slippery slope. Your world gets smaller and smaller as you make more and more concessions to the stress and anxiety.

DontRemember

I hate shopping and always make a list. If I forget my list and go 'rogue' I buy all sorts of dumb stuff and most goes to waste. My therapist also 'fired me' after 3 sessions i think,because "seems you know what you need to do..just do those things." Therapists are human too and the few I know, on a personal level, I wouldn't have treat my dog. By no means am I saying your therapist isn't qualified..just the 3-4 I know are insane!

kevlarsjal2

Thanks for pointing out the difference in how to give my therapist feedback. The examples you gave were really helpful. Our conversations have definitely been like in the first example you mentioned, I see how I don't really get the same point across as in the second one.

I guess maybe if I stick to the same supermarket if possible and don't do big social gatherings until I have to (important birthdays, family events, which I know I could skip but that would be against my values) maybe I will have less stress in general and don't mind the different dish clothes so much then.

And I am definitely able to go to another supermarket if I have to without losing it, it's just all added stress. Maybe that's a thing where I can draw the line. I know I can do it if it must be done and control / distance myself from my emotions so I don't have a meltdown in the dairy aisle but I don't have to be comfortable with it.
But constantly controlling and distancing myself from my emotions made me feel so robot like and it is hard to be myself then.

kevlarsjal2

Haha, oh dear! I think generally mine tries to really understand me and all. But I forget that doctors and therapists also just come to wrong conclusions sometimes, maybe judging by what usually works best in their experience or what is most likely to be wrong.

I just had an accident a month ago and broke my thigh but the first hospital I was in didn't think my leg seemed to be broken so they did no x-ray and send me home after 2 days, telling me I should walk on my leg. A week later I was back in another hospital because it turned out it was, in fact broken.
Apparently it was a rare case that this part of the bone breaks in my age group, so they thought it was too unlikely.

I guess it can go like that for therapists too, or even more so as it seems to be a lot more interpreting and guess work than in the physical field.

But her being the professional and knowing that especially we alcoholics / addicts often are so much in denial that we are blind about what our real problems are, I tend to trust her judgement more than mine, thinking she sees me clearer than I can see myself and that if she says something it sure must be true even if it feels wrong.

I will still talk to her about it of course and see what she thinks.

DontRemember

I know this one psychiatrist who struggles with her own pain pill addiction and cheats on her boyfriend (my buddy) constantly.. A lot of people think of their 'caregiver(s)' as superhuman thus treat them so,but once I started running in the social circle of doctors,lawyers,judges,ect..I realized..yep..they're just people too. I was always questioning my therapist about "why would I do that when this makes more sense?" Probably why I no longer go....Meanwhile I just twiddle my thumbs and watch the 'show'.

Edit: Congrats on your sober time too!

trailmix

That's great to hear. If you think something is not working for you, at anytime, let her know. If she explains back to you what her approach is it gives you the opportunity to explain to her how you are approaching things and how it is or isn't working.

I'm sure her intent wasn't for you to go out and pretend to be ok, if so she should have sent you to acting class instead of keeping you in therapy

Lots of different therapies out there, lots of different therapists. If you find you still aren't making the progress you want you might want to have a psychiatric evaluation to get you on the right path.

In the meantime yes, maybe stick to smaller, more structured shopping trips and family gatherings, until you have the tools that make you feel better about it,