Toxic relationship with the in-laws
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 68
Toxic relationship with the in-laws
hey all! Hope everyone is doing well. I'm 95 days sober today... Looking forward to being in the triple digits soon!
Anyways, I have mentioned this before in previous posts but today it's really not sitting well with me and I am feeling very anxious and sick to my stomach. Yesterday, we went to a rodeo with my in-laws... They know of my alcoholism and that I am sober now. I have been with my husband for 5 years now (married for 2) and to this day they have never had any interest in having a good relationship with me. I've always been the one putting in all the effort. They are the type of people that are very narcissistic and self absorbed. They only show interest in you if they want/need something from you. My dad is a tractor salesman and long story short they have put him out and screwed him over many times leading him on that they want to buy something from him then just end up going to a dealership and buying a completely different brand. My dad doesn't care about the money, he just doesn't like bending over backwards for them over and over when he is trying to help them out only for them to ignore his calls after he's been jumping through hoops for them. Anyone who knows them have told me that's just who they are... They only care about themselves (so this reassures me that it's not just me, but I still can't help but take it personal).
Every time I am around them, I leave feeling like a worthless piece of crap. They talk bad about anyone and everyone behind their back so I can only imagine what they say about me. Yesterday, I have never felt more unwelcome in an event with people who are supposed to be my "family". The looks they give me (mostly my mother-in-law), the judgement they pass on me and the sheer udder coldness towards me they elude is beyond words. I don't even get a proper greeting or goodbye from them. It's like I'm invisible. I am the stepmother to their twin grandsons... My mother-in-law is actually my husband's stepmother and my father-in-law was pretty much absent from my husband's childhood until his biological mother passed away. My husband doesn't even has his father's last name... He kept his mother's last name and this has bothered my in-laws for years. They have tried forcing him to change it, but he refuses.
My husband is nothing like them. He must've gotten all of his amazing qualities from his mother... I so wish I could've met her. I'm sure she would've been the most amazing mother-in-law. His mother's side of the family has treated me with nothing but love and respect since day 1. My husband knows how I feel about his father and stepmom... He totally understands the way they are, he just doesn't let it affect him anymore because he's used to it and just tunes them out. I was on the verge of tears yesterday... I feel embarrassed that they know about my problems because they aren't the type of people to be supportive or empathetic (mind you, they are alcoholics themselves). So as I was about to have a breakdown, my husband told me how amazing I am and how I am probably inspiring people and I don't even know it. He said, how can anyone be upset with you when you are actively and successfully turning your life around? Would they rather you keep drinking yourself to death? Then he said, he doesn't care who it is... If they aren't supportive of me then they are hypocrites and don't need to be involved in our lives. I suffer from OCD as well (which is part of the reason I started drinking to begin with... Self medication)... I mostly suffer from the obsessive thoughts and fears of losing the most important people in my life... And right now that person is my husband. Despite what he continues to say to reassure me of his love and support... Every time I am around his family I get this gut wrenching fear they will somehow get it in his head that I am not good enough for him and he will want to leave me. I know realistically that won't happen but my anxiety and my OCD is getting the best of me at the moment and I am so scared of losing him I feel sick to my stomach. This would usually be a trigger for me to start drinking but I am not going to... THAT is what WOULD make him leave even though he has told me even if I relapsed he still wouldn't go anywhere. But, I would never put him through this again. I have too much to lose. I'm sorry, I know I'm rambling... This is just the first time in years I've had to deal with this gut wrenching feeling as a sober person and it's really hard. I limit my time with my in-laws for this reason. I just don't know how to not let them make me feel like a waste of a human life every time I see them. It's really sad the way they feel the need to act superior to others and bring them down. I can't let them make me feel this way when I have been doing so well in my recovery... It just really breaks my heart that this is the way it is with them. I don't know what else I have to do to get them to accept me. It seems like an impossible feat.
I just had to get that out because it's bottling up inside me and if I didn't reach out to you guys then I probably would've gone crazy. Thank you all for listening and always being there when I need support. It is a relief to know I can always come here when I am struggling.
Anyways, I have mentioned this before in previous posts but today it's really not sitting well with me and I am feeling very anxious and sick to my stomach. Yesterday, we went to a rodeo with my in-laws... They know of my alcoholism and that I am sober now. I have been with my husband for 5 years now (married for 2) and to this day they have never had any interest in having a good relationship with me. I've always been the one putting in all the effort. They are the type of people that are very narcissistic and self absorbed. They only show interest in you if they want/need something from you. My dad is a tractor salesman and long story short they have put him out and screwed him over many times leading him on that they want to buy something from him then just end up going to a dealership and buying a completely different brand. My dad doesn't care about the money, he just doesn't like bending over backwards for them over and over when he is trying to help them out only for them to ignore his calls after he's been jumping through hoops for them. Anyone who knows them have told me that's just who they are... They only care about themselves (so this reassures me that it's not just me, but I still can't help but take it personal).
Every time I am around them, I leave feeling like a worthless piece of crap. They talk bad about anyone and everyone behind their back so I can only imagine what they say about me. Yesterday, I have never felt more unwelcome in an event with people who are supposed to be my "family". The looks they give me (mostly my mother-in-law), the judgement they pass on me and the sheer udder coldness towards me they elude is beyond words. I don't even get a proper greeting or goodbye from them. It's like I'm invisible. I am the stepmother to their twin grandsons... My mother-in-law is actually my husband's stepmother and my father-in-law was pretty much absent from my husband's childhood until his biological mother passed away. My husband doesn't even has his father's last name... He kept his mother's last name and this has bothered my in-laws for years. They have tried forcing him to change it, but he refuses.
My husband is nothing like them. He must've gotten all of his amazing qualities from his mother... I so wish I could've met her. I'm sure she would've been the most amazing mother-in-law. His mother's side of the family has treated me with nothing but love and respect since day 1. My husband knows how I feel about his father and stepmom... He totally understands the way they are, he just doesn't let it affect him anymore because he's used to it and just tunes them out. I was on the verge of tears yesterday... I feel embarrassed that they know about my problems because they aren't the type of people to be supportive or empathetic (mind you, they are alcoholics themselves). So as I was about to have a breakdown, my husband told me how amazing I am and how I am probably inspiring people and I don't even know it. He said, how can anyone be upset with you when you are actively and successfully turning your life around? Would they rather you keep drinking yourself to death? Then he said, he doesn't care who it is... If they aren't supportive of me then they are hypocrites and don't need to be involved in our lives. I suffer from OCD as well (which is part of the reason I started drinking to begin with... Self medication)... I mostly suffer from the obsessive thoughts and fears of losing the most important people in my life... And right now that person is my husband. Despite what he continues to say to reassure me of his love and support... Every time I am around his family I get this gut wrenching fear they will somehow get it in his head that I am not good enough for him and he will want to leave me. I know realistically that won't happen but my anxiety and my OCD is getting the best of me at the moment and I am so scared of losing him I feel sick to my stomach. This would usually be a trigger for me to start drinking but I am not going to... THAT is what WOULD make him leave even though he has told me even if I relapsed he still wouldn't go anywhere. But, I would never put him through this again. I have too much to lose. I'm sorry, I know I'm rambling... This is just the first time in years I've had to deal with this gut wrenching feeling as a sober person and it's really hard. I limit my time with my in-laws for this reason. I just don't know how to not let them make me feel like a waste of a human life every time I see them. It's really sad the way they feel the need to act superior to others and bring them down. I can't let them make me feel this way when I have been doing so well in my recovery... It just really breaks my heart that this is the way it is with them. I don't know what else I have to do to get them to accept me. It seems like an impossible feat.
I just had to get that out because it's bottling up inside me and if I didn't reach out to you guys then I probably would've gone crazy. Thank you all for listening and always being there when I need support. It is a relief to know I can always come here when I am struggling.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, dearsobriety.
Welcome.
Sigh. There isn’t much we can do about toxic family, save put pur boundaries in place for our own peace of mind and serenity.
My first mil was an unhappy person, unhappy with her choices, always finding fault, sowing family discord all the time.
Honestly, I just didn’t know how to deal with her.
If I had known then what I know now, I would have limited contact with her, and not taken the toxic bait she so obligingly threw at me.
After my first husband and I divorced, I happily cut her out of my life, grandchild or no grandchild.
In my opinion, she didn’t deserve a place at my table.
I think she likely felt the same way about me, as she didn’t try very hard to see her grandson.
Good luck.
Welcome.
Sigh. There isn’t much we can do about toxic family, save put pur boundaries in place for our own peace of mind and serenity.
My first mil was an unhappy person, unhappy with her choices, always finding fault, sowing family discord all the time.
Honestly, I just didn’t know how to deal with her.
If I had known then what I know now, I would have limited contact with her, and not taken the toxic bait she so obligingly threw at me.
After my first husband and I divorced, I happily cut her out of my life, grandchild or no grandchild.
In my opinion, she didn’t deserve a place at my table.
I think she likely felt the same way about me, as she didn’t try very hard to see her grandson.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
You know what? Forget about trying to get them accept you. what's important is that YOU accept you. If your inlaws are so shallow and conceited that they are unwilling to get to know you and make you an active part of their lives, then to heck with them. It's their loss, not yours. You're obviously an amazing person who is trying hard to do the right thing by yourself and your husband. Don't let the opinions of a couple of sour pusses steal your light! 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 68
Thank you maudcat. I chalk it up to my mil being a miserable person herself too. Her husband is controlling and also a cheater. I know they aren't happy people, which is where I should probably be reminding myself that "misery loves company". My husband says that I am probably intimidating to a lot of people because I am doing something that most of them could never do. I'm sorry you had to deal with the same issues with your ex-mil. If it were up to me, I would be more than happy to cut them out of my lives as well. I only go to see them for my husband's sake. I used to work as a bartender for them in their restaurant too so I basically had to see them every day... Thank goodness I quit that place and now I can limit my interactions with them. Thank you for your input. I appreciate it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 68
Thank you blownone. You are right. I can't let them steal my light and weigh me down. My husband keeps saying the same thing to me... "Just keep doing you, to hell with everyone else." Thanks for the reassurance. Just was feeling a little down today but I knew you guys would be able to get me out of my little pity party. Thanks again
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
