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Big party... starting to freak out!!

Old 07-25-2018, 05:33 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Drinking being a massively bad idea was never a reliable impediment for me.

I could always/mostly figure a way around the massive-ness of the wrong-ness. I could negotiate and bargain and ultimately agree with my AV and have more drinks.

Ignoring the AV means I had to remove all the qualifiers massive/small , good/bad no matter, no more drinks.
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Old 07-25-2018, 06:15 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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A couple of thoughts spring to mind.

On your husband's idea to let your friends know about your alcoholism - you have possibly eard the saying that "your secrets will kill you" and this is an example. My friends know about my alcoholism, On more than one occasion that has resulted in them saving me from accidentally injesting alcohol. It has also resulted on one or two coming to me for help over the years. It has been a decidedly positive thing. I say it saved my life because I am certain that I would not recover from another drink. The illness has progressed too far.

Second is a matter of priorities. How important is it to stay sober?If you suffer from alcoholism,we know it is a progressive terminal illness, and the only know solution is complete abstinence, so that is pretty high priority I would say.

If you are just white knuckling it, the reality is you may be going into a situation with no adequate defense against the first drink. You only need to drop your guard for three seconds, thats how long it takes for someone to offer you a drink and you to drink it. Most relapses begin in such a thoughtless and casual way.

So, let's say you a suffering a different kind of terminal illness, and say, on the day of your party, you have a critical appointment for the treatment of the illness, which if missed, will likely cause major complications. What do you do? Cancel the party or cancel the appointment?
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Old 07-25-2018, 06:45 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
I think going forward and since your husband sounds problematic, you could just leave the parties to him.

Take a weekend at the beach instead.

Yeah I know that sounds like WW3, but why is what he wants more important than what you want?

As far as this upcoming party, I don't see why you can't excuse yourself up to your room at any time after the, "activities." Leave the drinkers to fend for themselves - your husband can be in charge of drinking activities. If he's not willing to accept that kind of solution then your problem is a lot bigger than you not drinking.

FWIW, I don't care if people know I used to drink too much and I've quit. They'll think what they want, regardless of the spin I might try to put on it.
Youíre kind to label him problematic...my verbiage is typically much more colorful! He definitely has his own issues with alcohol, hence his hyper focus on my social skills regarding alcohol. I foresee a future where I wonít care who knows about my drinking and the reason behind quitting - itís just an uncomfortable and vulnerable place for me right now.
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Old 07-25-2018, 06:47 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Gabe1980 View Post
I had to do my brother's 40th recently. A whole day session in the pub with family, friends, everyone drinking.

A really long meditation before hand help me a lot, and I also had a couple of self-care days leading up to it. Not letting stress creep in and doing tons of walking. I know that might be harder for you as it's your party but try and factor in some of that stuff into the run up, as it will help you manage this from a place of calm.

I also concentrated on how awful everyone looked once they's had a few drinks. They started to look distorted and we speaking utter rubbish. That helped me tap into some grateful thinking. A safety/exit strategy also sounds like a good plan. Try not to worry too much in the run up......you can do this!
Iíve been out with the hard partying crowd and have definitely noticed how horrid they looked and acted. It got me hard that I used to look that way, and that I thought it looked good...yuck! Witnessing that has been helpful. It was also helpful that I wasnít in my own home and could leave when I needed to. Thanks for the ďpep talkĒ.
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Old 07-25-2018, 06:49 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by charliesworld View Post
I sometimes plan something for the next day after a do that "there's no way I want to be hungover for". Usually something early so drinking would be a massively bad idea.
Yep! I plan to pick up my kids early the next morning from their friends houses and take them out to breakfast while everyone else sleeps off their hangover.
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Old 07-25-2018, 06:54 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Gottalife View Post
A couple of thoughts spring to mind.

On your husband's idea to let your friends know about your alcoholism - you have possibly eard the saying that "your secrets will kill you" and this is an example. My friends know about my alcoholism, On more than one occasion that has resulted in them saving me from accidentally injesting alcohol. It has also resulted on one or two coming to me for help over the years. It has been a decidedly positive thing. I say it saved my life because I am certain that I would not recover from another drink. The illness has progressed too far.

Second is a matter of priorities. How important is it to stay sober?If you suffer from alcoholism,we know it is a progressive terminal illness, and the only know solution is complete abstinence, so that is pretty high priority I would say.

If you are just white knuckling it, the reality is you may be going into a situation with no adequate defense against the first drink. You only need to drop your guard for three seconds, thats how long it takes for someone to offer you a drink and you to drink it. Most relapses begin in such a thoughtless and casual way.

So, let's say you a suffering a different kind of terminal illness, and say, on the day of your party, you have a critical appointment for the treatment of the illness, which if missed, will likely cause major complications. What do you do? Cancel the party or cancel the appointment?
Staying sober is my highest priority right now. Iím sure my friends have started to form their own opinions but itís too uncomfortable for me right now (read vulnerable). I refuse to drink. I just know that I will need to escape when the overly anxious/ruminating thoughts/feelings creep in. Unfortunately we canít cancel this party. I have already cancelled future parties that we typically host but this one is too far gone...
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Old 07-25-2018, 06:57 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by dwtbd View Post
Drinking being a massively bad idea was never a reliable impediment for me.

I could always/mostly figure a way around the massive-ness of the wrong-ness. I could negotiate and bargain and ultimately agree with my AV and have more drinks.

Ignoring the AV means I had to remove all the qualifiers massive/small , good/bad no matter, no more drinks.
Iíve noticed that just thinking about not drinking doesnít cut it. I need actionable steps in order to see that through. All qualifiers are gone for me. Iíve noticed that I sometimes will think, ďin the future, I can have just oneĒ but I shut that voice down immediately and tell it No! Iím hoping that my escape plans (I have several right now) and a hopefully supportive husband will get me through the night.
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Old 07-25-2018, 07:28 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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I just want to say congratulations on keeping sober and that I'm rooting for you to come thru this party still sober. You can't control what hubby will say, but you can control what you do. If you have a plan, you'll feel less anxious. I think a hostess excusing herself from the after-party because she has a headache and has to pick up the kids early is a very socially acceptable reason to go to bed. "I'm going to say goodnight. I have an early morning tomorrow. Loved seeing you all. Thanks for coming!" Exit stage left. You go girl.
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Old 07-25-2018, 07:29 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Remember, you can drive!

If it gets bad you'll be safe to drive and can exit someplace away. Also for me after making it through an event like this it was the following days that were danger to relapse. The event was so draining that it took it all out of me. Someone mentioned stress free before, I'd also plan a breather after!
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Old 07-25-2018, 07:56 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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By all means escape away, nothing worse than having to spend time watching a drunkfest.

Lol,for the AV answer is always "No" .

" in the future, I can have just one" see the lie built in there, the false alternatives based on a false premise , yeah ? You can have just one, right now, but you have decided you Don't. You are an all growed up adult person, no such thing as 'Can't' , don't ever meet the AV half way( negotiate) , shut it down in absolute terms from jump , of course you can have all the booze You want, thing is IT can't have any if YOU Don't, too bad for it, good for You
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Old 07-25-2018, 08:03 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by dwtbd View Post
atlast


" in the future, I can have just one" see the lie built in there, the false alternatives based on a false premise , yeah ?
100% I see right through this lie!! Reading these threads has helped me to play the tape through and know what the night will look like for me if I have one sip. I refuse to go back to that!! Itís hard dealing with my AV and my hubbyís. He has a significant drinking problem so he doesnít understand not having the first drink.... so, so draining. Doable, but effortful. Thanks for your encouragement!
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Old 07-25-2018, 08:04 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by tekink View Post
Remember, you can drive!

If it gets bad you'll be safe to drive and can exit someplace away. Also for me after making it through an event like this it was the following days that were danger to relapse. The event was so draining that it took it all out of me. Someone mentioned stress free before, I'd also plan a breather after!
Thatís a good idea for after! Maybe a spa day!
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Old 07-25-2018, 08:05 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Branches View Post
I just want to say congratulations on keeping sober and that I'm rooting for you to come thru this party still sober. You can't control what hubby will say, but you can control what you do. If you have a plan, you'll feel less anxious. I think a hostess excusing herself from the after-party because she has a headache and has to pick up the kids early is a very socially acceptable reason to go to bed. "I'm going to say goodnight. I have an early morning tomorrow. Loved seeing you all. Thanks for coming!" Exit stage left. You go girl.
Thank you! Like another respondent suggested, I may develop a migraine.
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Old 08-10-2018, 03:38 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Tomorrow is the big day. I have been prepping food today and my AV was screaming at me while chopping lettuce...ugh! I know Iím in for a massive battle of wills tomorrow.

I have several escape plans, I have more than enough to do to keep me busy during the activities part of the party. Itís after that worries me. If my AV is screaming now, what the heck will it sound like tomorrow??

Anyway, Iím sure Iíll be checking in on this thread a lot tomorrow when the activities are done.

One funny thing: Iíve never hosted a party as a non-drinker and rarely gave more than a passing thought as to what non-drinkers would drink during parties. Currently, I have over 300 bottles/cans of NA drinks available... lol.
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Old 08-10-2018, 04:02 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Try thinking of the AV not as some huge monster but a petulant toddler.

Let it yell scream and throw its toys around - eventually it will tantrum itself to sleep.

You have all the control here.

If you refuse to cooperate theres nothing the AV can do about it

D
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Old 08-10-2018, 04:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Try thinking of the AV not as some huge monster but a petulant toddler.

Let it yell scream and throw its toys around - eventually it will tantrum itself to sleep.

You have all the control here.

If you refuse to cooperate theres nothing the AV can do about it

D
I like that visual of a toddler. Thanks Dee!
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Old 08-10-2018, 06:32 PM
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I was wondering how you were. It's one day, one night, in the life. You're going to feel such peace and relief when you hit the pillow sober. Whether you have to fight the AV, or you find that the AV is more silent than you expected, either way I'm confident in you. It's clear you're setting yourself up for success.
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Old 08-10-2018, 08:21 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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We are all rooting for you! Think of this like a 10K run. You know you've run 10K around your neighborhood by yourself with no problem. Now you're doing it in front of a crowd. You've been walking around sober for a good while. Now you're going to do it in front of a crowd. Just picture us waving signs and cheering you on until your head hits the pillow. You can do it!
Or, remember the most revolting hangover you ever had from drinking, and tell yourself, "Tomorrow, quite a few of these people are going to feel like that, but not me. I'm going to get up with a clear head, clear eyes, ready for coffee (if you drink it) and a great breakfast. I'm going to greet the dawn and say, Thank you, God (or HP) I did it!"
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Old 08-11-2018, 05:30 AM
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Originally Posted by lessgravity View Post
I was wondering how you were. It's one day, one night, in the life. You're going to feel such peace and relief when you hit the pillow sober. Whether you have to fight the AV, or you find that the AV is more silent than you expected, either way I'm confident in you. It's clear you're setting yourself up for success.
Thanks Less. It is just one day, one night. Now itís time for me to just breathe....
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Old 08-11-2018, 05:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Branches View Post
We are all rooting for you! Think of this like a 10K run. You know you've run 10K around your neighborhood by yourself with no problem. Now you're doing it in front of a crowd. You've been walking around sober for a good while. Now you're going to do it in front of a crowd. Just picture us waving signs and cheering you on until your head hits the pillow. You can do it!
Or, remember the most revolting hangover you ever had from drinking, and tell yourself, "Tomorrow, quite a few of these people are going to feel like that, but not me. I'm going to get up with a clear head, clear eyes, ready for coffee (if you drink it) and a great breakfast. I'm going to greet the dawn and say, Thank you, God (or HP) I did it!"
Thanks Branches. I love the idea of having my very own SR cheering section! Iíve been walking around sober for 59 days today.... so whatís one more really??
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