Struggling in meetings
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 17
Struggling in meetings
Hi, just wondering if anyone else has felt like this, and how you overcame it... I have 14 days sober and I have been trying different meetings.
AA women’s meetings, beginners meetings, and Women for Sobriety. I get so overwhelmed when I’m there in the group that I can not seem to think of what to say when called on. I’ve tried going in with an idea of what to talk about also but I either forget or just can’t think of what else to say on any topic once in the group.
I am very shy in a group and I think that’s part of it. Also I know very out of touch from numbing everything my whole life. I really really feel that I need some IRL sober connections, so I keep trying but so far it’s not any better.
Last time I told everyone that they amaze me bc they have so much wisdom and I just don’t know what to say. I want to stop drinking. Duh. It’s discouraging.
Any advice? Thanks!
AA women’s meetings, beginners meetings, and Women for Sobriety. I get so overwhelmed when I’m there in the group that I can not seem to think of what to say when called on. I’ve tried going in with an idea of what to talk about also but I either forget or just can’t think of what else to say on any topic once in the group.
I am very shy in a group and I think that’s part of it. Also I know very out of touch from numbing everything my whole life. I really really feel that I need some IRL sober connections, so I keep trying but so far it’s not any better.
Last time I told everyone that they amaze me bc they have so much wisdom and I just don’t know what to say. I want to stop drinking. Duh. It’s discouraging.
Any advice? Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,138
Have you tried making some notes so you don't forget when it's time? I always forget to say things under pressure also, notes help me. Usually just having the note is enough without having to actually look at it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
When I was going to AA, I'd have this whole monolouge in my head on 'how I was feeling' and after a few people shared, I'd completely space on what I had in my mind,because I was taking in the other's shares. For me, that was what really turned my mind around about 'letting go'. In the rooms,I was in a position to 'do nothing' if I didn't want to. Just listening,absorbing and processing other's failures/successes really helped me to let go of my trying to control things,even my own thoughts. It took me about 40 meetings to understand how it 'works'. There were times my small group would set in silence for a few minutes,but it gave me a place to reflect.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
good on ya for going to meetings!
ya know, its quite alright to say nothing and just listen. all them people with wisdom? they were in your shoes at one time. they didnt have any wisdom either. they ( myself included) had to get some humility to listen and learn.
14 days is an eternity. however, years of drinking wont be fixed overnight- its going to take time to straighten out mentally,just like it did for the rest of us.
its ok to be at meetings, not say anything, and just feel.
do you have the big book yet? been reading it?
ya know, its quite alright to say nothing and just listen. all them people with wisdom? they were in your shoes at one time. they didnt have any wisdom either. they ( myself included) had to get some humility to listen and learn.
14 days is an eternity. however, years of drinking wont be fixed overnight- its going to take time to straighten out mentally,just like it did for the rest of us.
its ok to be at meetings, not say anything, and just feel.
do you have the big book yet? been reading it?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 421
I don't believe you HAVE to say anything when in the meetings, at least not in AA. In fact I went to a women's meeting yesterday and some just said "pass" when it was their turn to read aloud.
I think group meetings are the way to go if you want some IRL connections though, because that's how you'll meet people. If you go enough, it's possible that someone will approach you and ask if you want to go for coffee after, OR, listen to the shares and find someone you feel like you can relate to, and ask that person after the meeting if they have a few minutes to chat. And, you probably have phone numbers? When I found myself in a bad place recently, I reached out to someone from my list that had been friendly to me. Yeah, I felt a little weird, but it was a good decision.
Another thought--can you do a bit of journaling and then write your main thoughts into bullet points to bring with you so it's easier to remember your train of thought when at meetings, if there's something you feel like you want to talk about?
Edited to add--I noticed myself feeling the same way at the last meeting. Many women seemed to be just doing this stream of consciousness thing when they shared, and although I did speak too, it didn't even touch everything that was in my mind. I sort of stumbled over my words and commented on how a lot of the discussion has hit home in such a way I feel like I was meant to hear it. Idk. I think it's ok. I'm there because I'm an alcoholic, not a prize winning public speaker.
I think group meetings are the way to go if you want some IRL connections though, because that's how you'll meet people. If you go enough, it's possible that someone will approach you and ask if you want to go for coffee after, OR, listen to the shares and find someone you feel like you can relate to, and ask that person after the meeting if they have a few minutes to chat. And, you probably have phone numbers? When I found myself in a bad place recently, I reached out to someone from my list that had been friendly to me. Yeah, I felt a little weird, but it was a good decision.
Another thought--can you do a bit of journaling and then write your main thoughts into bullet points to bring with you so it's easier to remember your train of thought when at meetings, if there's something you feel like you want to talk about?
Edited to add--I noticed myself feeling the same way at the last meeting. Many women seemed to be just doing this stream of consciousness thing when they shared, and although I did speak too, it didn't even touch everything that was in my mind. I sort of stumbled over my words and commented on how a lot of the discussion has hit home in such a way I feel like I was meant to hear it. Idk. I think it's ok. I'm there because I'm an alcoholic, not a prize winning public speaker.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 70
I totally understand and it took me a lot meetings before I spoke about my experiences. When I actually did my voice was shaking and I began rambling because was afraid I was going to break down and cry, but that would have been alright. You can speak whatever comes to your mind in the moment and no one will judge.
It's a very powerful thing to openly express emotions and wrongdoings in that moment. I think that's when it sunk in for me because saying it aloud reminded me of why I began going to meetings and that's what helped me the most.
Best wishes.
It's a very powerful thing to openly express emotions and wrongdoings in that moment. I think that's when it sunk in for me because saying it aloud reminded me of why I began going to meetings and that's what helped me the most.
Best wishes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 17
It’s good to know that I’m not the only one With these feelings. Last night I was getting really discouraged about it, telling myself that I’m not going to get very far in recovery if I can’t participate in the meetings. Might as well just drink, etc,etc. Did some journaling bc I know that’s not what I really want and SO glad today I woke up sober.
I would LOVE to just sit and listen for a while in meetings , however, every meeting I’ve been to so far I’ve actually been called on...” I’d like to hear from the newcomer now”, etc.
I think I will just ask if it’s ok to just listen from now on, until I’m ready. Which hopefully will eventually happen.
Yes, I do have a Big Book and also have some Women for Sobriety materials coming in the mail. Funny but not funny, my Big Book is highlighted and “alcohol”marked out and “pills” written in the margin throughout the book. I used it at inpatient rehab, several years ago, when I had an opiate addiction. Of course they told me to stay away from alcohol, and now here I am...
I would LOVE to just sit and listen for a while in meetings , however, every meeting I’ve been to so far I’ve actually been called on...” I’d like to hear from the newcomer now”, etc.
I think I will just ask if it’s ok to just listen from now on, until I’m ready. Which hopefully will eventually happen.
Yes, I do have a Big Book and also have some Women for Sobriety materials coming in the mail. Funny but not funny, my Big Book is highlighted and “alcohol”marked out and “pills” written in the margin throughout the book. I used it at inpatient rehab, several years ago, when I had an opiate addiction. Of course they told me to stay away from alcohol, and now here I am...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
You don't have to say anything in an AA meeting if you don't feel like it. There's no obligation to share. It's perfectly fine to just sit and listen. Just say "I'm ________ and I'm going to pass today and just listen". I still do that now and then.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you can just listen. it's not toastmasters!! 
if you start attending a certain meeting regularly, you'll get more comfortable with the atmosphere, the layout, the people and the lingo.
a good starter might be when they ask if anyone wants to read the opening readings, you could volunteer....that way you ARE talking but from a script. it's a start.
you can also arrive early and/or stay late for the "meeting after the meeting" - a lot of good recovery happens in the parking lot or at the nearest Denny's..............that and pie.
if you start attending a certain meeting regularly, you'll get more comfortable with the atmosphere, the layout, the people and the lingo. a good starter might be when they ask if anyone wants to read the opening readings, you could volunteer....that way you ARE talking but from a script. it's a start.
you can also arrive early and/or stay late for the "meeting after the meeting" - a lot of good recovery happens in the parking lot or at the nearest Denny's..............that and pie.
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