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Need advice - my husband and I both wanting to get sober

Old 07-20-2018, 04:48 PM
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Need advice - my husband and I both wanting to get sober

My husband and I are both admittedly alcoholics. We have tried in the past to get sober together, but it's so hard. After a few days or even weeks, one of us will crack and the other follows.
We have agreed that tonight is our last night of drinking and tomorrow will be our first day of sobriety. We're both ready to end this chapter and begin living sober, meaningful lives. The problem is that we've attempted this in the past ... many times. I feel like this time we need to do something different. I feel like I need a change of scenery (away from him) to focus on me. I am considering rehab or just a road trip to visit my best friend (who supports my sobriety) to get away from the everyday stuff that triggers another drinking binge. I am a teacher and I have about 5 weeks left until school starts again, so I know the time is now.
We also have two young daughters, which makes things even more challenging. It's hard to focus on ourselves, when we're also caring for two others. I've thought that maybe I could take our older daughter on a road trip or he can even go stay with his parents for a while. Although Idk that his parent's house is a good option b/c his dad drinks.
Has anyone been able to get sober with their partner? I know this is a solo journey, but I'd like to keep our marriage in tact. Other than the issues with alcohol, we have a very happy marriage.
I guess what I am asking is this: Is it better for us to be apart for a while to get sober or just give it another go together?
Any input that anyone has is welcome and appreciated.
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january161992 (07-21-2018)
Old 07-20-2018, 07:50 PM
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My husband wasn't ready when I was so I did it on my own. I can't imagine trying to do it with someone else. Its a time that requires you to be selfish. Thinking about yourself and your sobriety first, as women we tend to concentrate on our partners, children, parents, etc putting ourselves last (at least I know I always did). I would agree- do it alone. Go to rehab. If he wants it too he might make the same decision for himself. But if he doesn't- you keep going. You can do this. (p.s. Aug 1 will be my 10 year sober anniversary.)
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Old 07-20-2018, 08:06 PM
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This is pretty complex. Relationships are a eperate thing from alcoholism generally, but not always. I sometimes see newcomers in AA get together because they seem to relate so much. They can sit and talk long hours into the night. They seem like the perfect match to each other, but eventually they come to learn that in reality all they had in common was a disease.

I guess that the same could apply to the still suffering alcoholics who got together. A disease with a good dose of co-dependency is what holds some realtionships together, and it is very hard to break out of.

Alcoholics who are recovering, do so at different rates. So after the first few days the tension begins to build. One is going too fast, the other too slow, one is doing it right and the other is doing it wrong. It's a recipe for disaster.

This is a serious, life threatening situation so I will share an experience, not to scare you, but to highlight that your life may depend on what you do from here on.

A few years back I was called to a mental hospital to talk to a male alcoholic who had been locked up to detox. When he was released I went to visit him in his home. It turned out his partner was alcoholic and they were both drinking. I managed to get them to a meeting that night and one of the old timers there made a prediction to me about this couple, based on his experience.

He said "One will die, then the other will recover." A few weeks later the male died, and she is now in recovery. Frightening stuff, but this isn't a game, it really is life and death.

I hope you can use this experience to help decide what you need to do to survive.
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Old 07-21-2018, 03:19 PM
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no advice only experience

once i was ready i went to AA stopped drinking and followed direction

my life is much better now

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