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Itís time. I canít keep going like this.

Old 07-20-2018, 02:54 AM
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Itís time. I canít keep going like this.

Iím 44 with two children, the youngest is 11. Iím ashamed to admit they see their mother drunk probably a couple nights a week, my oldest is a teenager and she films me saying funny things or sometimes not so funny things then shows me the next day. I had her send one particularly bad episode to me because I thought every time I wanted a drink I would just watch it and say no, but so far I havenít done that.
Iíve been an alcoholic for many years. Itís only gotten worse as it tends to do. I started a new job where I do grocery shopping for people and deliver to them. After a few weeks the job was giving me some anxiety. Big orders would make me feel panicky so I quickly learned to drink a strong beer in the parking lot before going into the store. This progressed to sometimes drinking one before every order. Sometimes in the morning. I never thought Iíd be a morning drinker but here I am. I would have looked down on people and thought it digusting but now Iím that person. The amount I drink is pretty staggering. I wish I could say 5 drinks a day but I know itís more like 10. And thatís every day. I had to go to court today for a speeding ticket I was going to fight (I lost) and I had a nervous breakdown when it was my turn to go before the judge. I guarantee you it was alcohol related. Iíd drank a few strong drinks that morning then went back to sleep before I dragged myself to court a few hours later. Iím sure I was dehydrated and alcohol only makes my anxiety worse. It used to be that I could drink and it would help the anxiety but Iíve noticed it isnít even helping much for that now.

I donít know how to cope with stress. I live with someone whose energy is very draining to me so I hide away in my room much of the time because this person is ALWAYS home. I no longer know how to have fun and enjoy myself without alcohol. I sneak into everything I do even if itís seeing a movie with my kids, Iíll sneak in a couple mini bottles of vodka to put in my soda. I see a therapist and have been giving myself permission to down two mini bottles on rapid succession just before seeing her, so that Iíll be more relaxed. I find an excuse to have drinks whenever I want to. Iíll pull one out of thin air if I have to but thereís always an excuse.

My sort of boyfriend is an alcoholic as well who wants to quit but I fear for him. I think of the two of us Iím the one who has hope to quit. Iím here in this forum after all, and I do see a doctor and a therapist. He goes to the bar every evening. I believe him when he says heís really tired of the bar but heís been going for 15 years. I think he doesnít know how to exist without it. He wonít do anything with me or spend anytime with me. I see him once a week at the bar and then I drive him home, we stop at the gas station and he fills up my tank and buys me wine and he gets those awful twisted teas and then I drop him off, unless he actually feels like getting close and wants me to hang out which isnít often because in one year heís gained a ton of weight from drinking more than ever and he feels really bad about himself. I too became bloated ever since I met him over a year ago and we embarked on a drinking journey together then he distanced himself from me but he wants to still see me that one time a week. Heís very toxic for me even though heís truly a gentle soul. I know two alcoholics can never work out really. I get drunk then text him mean things just to try to reach him because heís so afraid of intimacy and commitment. Itís all very unhealthy. I canít even picture me going to the bar and not drinking and yet thatís the only way Iíll ever see him. Itís sad.

And physically Iím very worried for myself. My blood pressure has been high every time Iíve seen my doctor. I feel often that Iím going to pass out, itís anxiety but the symptoms are real and terrifying. I really donít know how to feel comfortable in my own skin with the help of alcohol, it feels like alcohol is my only true friend really. And Iíve got to stop, number one for my kids. I grew up with an alcohol mother and Iím just repeating what I saw but itís not ok. My mother wasnít well and ended up dying from dementia at age 64. Another excuse for me to drink, because going through the ďlong goodbyeĒ with someone you love, for years, is beyond painful.

How do you find happiness? Drinking doesnít make me happy but it feels like the closest thing I have to that feeling. And I now feel Iím dangerously close to a serious health issue. Iím 44 and have been drinking for 25 years. It feels like all I know. I canít get excited about life without it. Iím grateful for this forum, Iíve tried quitting before and I think I made it two weeks. That seems so out of reach now. I would be so proud of myself to hit two weeks now. Hell Iíd be very proud if I could make it until Tuesday which is my bar night. But I donít think itís possible to just cut way back. I could live with that but I know for most people that doesnít work out.

Iíve stopped caring about my appearance as much, I am always told Iím pretty but then today my daughter said I looked like hell and I do. Face bloated and red, eyes swollen from the crying. Just a sad look in my eyes. If I could get sober and take care of myself like I used to, my sort of boyfriend could see me and be inspired. I took naltrexone for awhile and was drinking much less and he said I was looking so healthy. I still have a six month supply of that, I think itís time to go back on it. But spiritually it hard for, the loving yourself, the gratitude, I donít know how to feel those things. It doesnít come easy. I see my boyfriend and he plays the victim constantly and I know itís because he wants an excuse to keep drinking. I know because I do the same.

Anyway sorry this was so long. Iíve really progressed now to a disgusting point where Iím drinkimg all kinds of cheap gas station alcohol drinks while Iím out working. Mind you Iím not driving drunk by any means. I drink in the parking lot and by the time Iím done shopping Iím barely buzzed. But Iím completely grossed out by myself. My oldest daughter knows the rare day I donít drink and she always comments how good it is that I made it through the day. Mind you, the day. Because now I drink at all hours and day drinking seems to serve me better. I drink alone btw. Iíve never been a bar person, I just drink alone in my room and try to hide it from my my kids and anyone. You know. The careful trash disposal and everything.

When alcohol has become a crutch, and feels like your best and only friend, how do you give that up? What do you replace it with? I want to do this for my kids, then myself and then finally I want to do it for my boyfriend because heís truly a sad soul. Iíve wondered why he loves the bar so much more than me, but then I think maybe my kids are thinking that about me and my wine. And itís not true. They all just sit there drinking at that bar talking about nothing, really stupid things. He can never love me properly because alcohol is first in his life. And I know it is for me though I think if only I had a real relationship with him I wouldnít need to drink, but thatís probably not the truth.

Thanks so much for reading all of this. It just feels good to get it out there. Iím in such a bad place right now. I want to quit but then I donít. I want to but Iím afraid to oddly enough. Thanks for any comments or advice.
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Old 07-20-2018, 03:02 AM
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Hi I am nearly 44 with a teenager and my youngest is also 11, I am an alcoholic also, lots of support here, you can do this good luck
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Old 07-20-2018, 03:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Mummyto2 View Post
Hi I am nearly 44 with a teenager and my youngest is also 11, I am an alcoholic also, lots of support here, you can do this good luck
Hi, its a hard age too. I see a lot of women 40-60 age group buying wine. We take care of people but no one really takes care of us. I just feel tired. Thanks for your reply. Iím glad to be here! I know I can do this with the proper support. Iím just worried I wonít be strong enough but Iím going to try.
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Old 07-20-2018, 03:13 AM
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It's very hard, but you can do this, have you seen your doctor who could perhaps help, I am the worlds worst for opening up to doctors etc, and my teenager has also taken pics and videos of me whilst drunk, your not alone, I didn't read your whole thread as I have an eye infection at the moment, but it's a great start that you have posted, keep posting
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Old 07-20-2018, 03:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Mummyto2 View Post
It's very hard, but you can do this, have you seen your doctor who could perhaps help, I am the worlds worst for opening up to doctors etc, and my teenager has also taken pics and videos of me whilst drunk, your not alone, I didn't read your whole thread as I have an eye infection at the moment, but it's a great start that you have posted, keep posting
Iím very blessed to have a doctor who is very genuinely caring but sheís out on maternity leave and my therapist is out on medical leave so Iím on my own right now. My doctor gave me naltrexone and it does help, when I make the choice to take it. Sheís very concerned for me and that makes me concerned for me, she feels like my good liver numbers might not be accurate, but I feel like when I go without alcohol for a week or so I start to feel really pretty darned good. Right now I feel awful which is what brought me here. I just donít want to do this to myself anymore.

Thatís interesting about your teenager filming you also. I donít feel so bad just knowing Iím not alone. Good luck in your journey. We have even more reason to get sober, our kids. It would be the greatest gift we could ever give them.
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Old 07-20-2018, 03:36 AM
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Truthseeker even if you don't feel the buzz doesn't mean you are not drunk, please be careful about even drinking small amounts and driving.

I think you need to face up the going AF, rather than naltrexone which doesn't seem to have worked for you. Also it going to be tough if you stick around with your drinking boyfriend. I expect you know that in yourself.
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Old 07-20-2018, 04:06 AM
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Hi Truthseeker

I am 43 and an alcoholic. I don't have kids but I am very ambitious and driven and a number of years ago I drove myself right into a mental breakdown. My mind and body just couldn't take the lifestyle I chose for it.

I drank like you and struggled with alcohol induced anxiety which is the worst! It has been 8 years since the "crash" and it has taken me this long to rediscover myself.
For me, it wasn't just alcohol that was the problem but it sure added to the horror.
I am sober now and living very differently. It took time but I found support in a very helpful doctor and this site. I realized how important self care is.
I found that when I was able to not drink my mind began to heal but, like many, I really struggled to stay stopped.
Stay close to this site and post whether you are drinking or not. It takes time but you will get there.
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Old 07-20-2018, 04:11 AM
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It's nice to know you have a caring doctor, it's strange for me when I stop and feel good that's when the demon on my shoulder says hey you can drink etc, then straight back to hell afterwards
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Old 07-20-2018, 04:25 AM
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Welcome to SR, very intense and honest post.

I'm a 40yo father of an 11yo and now a newborn. My addiction to the booze progressed along the same lines as yours has - eventually devolving into barely manageable day drinking while I tried to maintain a high stress professional job.

I'm sober now, after many many attempts and failures. Sober for good.

I can tell you that even 90Ī days after my last drunk, (longest I've ever been sober since I was a kid), that the worries and questions you have about happiness and anxiety all start to get solved, if not resolved. Sobriety turns out to be full of peace, calm and plenty opportunities to find happiness. Yes, life is still rife with frustration and sadness, but it's so much better is a life.

I can read in your post just how deeply you want to get sober. I used my kids as leverage to finally put down the drink for good. You can do the same. But you need a plan. Do you have a plan?
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Old 07-20-2018, 04:29 AM
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Hi Truthseeker. Your story about your daughter making recordings reminded me of my mother, when I was a kid. She would be her trolley, and we would all have a good laugh getting her to say stupid things. We didn't know she was drunk, she just passed out every night after dinner, and we could get her babbling while she was half conscious.

We thought she was tired and it was all a big joke. Little did we know she was heading for death or insanity, the only options at the end of the alcoholic road. She got the insanity deal in the end, still alive, miserable and wanting to die. But she didn't have that kind of luck.

What I also got from your post was a kind of feeling like you are negotiating, wanting to check out what the alternative to living an alcoholic life would be like, before you make any changes.

Well, it is unbelievably different and better, but it has to be experienced to be understood. One way you could approach it is to make a call to Alcoholics Anonymous, tell them you are concerned about your drinking and ask if one of their members would be willing to come and talk to you privately.

That was what I did. I had questions about the sober life of course, but also I was interested in finding out the extent of my problem, and finding out about people who had recovered from similar positions. I spent an afternoon with a guy who answered all my questions. Then he took me to a meeting and I got to see folk who had recovered and was able to get my own impressions of what that was like. It looked pretty good to me, so I stuck with it and recovered.
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Old 07-20-2018, 05:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Truthseeker11 View Post
Hi, its a hard age too. I see a lot of women 40-60 age group buying wine. .
ive read people type that about every age bracket. there really isnt any age bracket that is more difficult than another.

i also saw a lot of people buying alcohol when i was drinking and freshly sober. after some time, i realized my focus was pretty screwed up- the majority of people in the stores arent even purchasing alcohol. yeah, maybe 1 or 2 that are in lines in the grocery store with alcohol, but then theres the 30 others that arent.
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Old 07-20-2018, 06:39 AM
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By the length of your post, you've obviously done a lot of thinking about your drinking. But your thinking isn't getting you sober. Your doctor's not getting you sober, neither is your therapist.

Perhaps it's time for the fellowship of other alcoholics. Get to an AA meeting, find a sponsor. Work the steps.

Doing it on your own isn't working.
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Old 07-20-2018, 07:09 AM
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Welcome to the family. I hope the support here, and in real life, can help you get sober for good.
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Old 07-20-2018, 07:10 AM
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Welcome!

We take care of ourselves, if we are unable to take of ourselves how are we going to know someone else is actually taking care of us?

Stopping is the best option for you and that will trickle down to your kids.
You and your kids are the most important part in this equation.

Try going to an AA meeting, every day. Keep going, keep listening, talking and growing.

The therapist is honestly doing you no good when you are still drinking, so just getting off the juice will help there.

You are going to feel things you probably have never felt before because you have been masking them for so long.
It is going to hurt, you are going to cry BUT you will get over those feelings, and you will grow knowing you are able to get through them SOBER and it really wasn't that bad, you are still alive and your children will see much improvement and strength which will be inspiring to them.

While this is all an assumption if you stop drinking NOW, there are many good things to come from sobriety.
Living life on life's terms, not yours.

Once you put the drink down you can focus on your health and well being, however you see that.
Once you have a good amount of time, you will feel self-love and self-respect, you will know and understand boundaries and put them to use!
You will only invite those with good/sober energy around you because anything other could jeopardize your recovery.

-That is what I did and that has been my outcome so far. You too can have that plus so much more.

Focus on today, just for today I will not drink.
DO that again tomorrow if you want to, I am hoping you do.

Sobriety isn't easy, recovery isn't easy BUT neither is drinking and driving, being reckless and having your children watch you spiral.
Put as much work into your sobriety as you do your drinking, change your mindset and do the work. The promises will come true if you put your all into it.

I wish you the best and I pray for today you will not pick up that first drink (It is the first one that gets us drunk/stupid)

Blessing,
DC
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Old 07-20-2018, 07:50 AM
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Wow, they tell you that if you stick around long enough, you'll hear someone tell your own story. Welcome, Truthseeker and thank you for joining us and sharing so openly.

I can relate to so much that you wrote including the teenage daughters, the virtually useless (actually toxic) boyfriend, not knowing if I can stop drinking, fear of what life will be like sober... I can't tell you what to do but am happy to share my experience.

Naltrexone works for me to deal with physical cravings. Actually the combination of Naltrexone and Campral works better than either of them individually. But here's the thing - you've gotta take the meds every day and they work best when not drinking. Bummer, right? So I also take Antabuse because I know from experimentation how ghastly ill it makes me if I drink. These are short-term strategies because I'm so new at this (39 days now). As it is early days, I'm sticking with what works. Later I can think about reducing or eliminating the meds.

I stuck around for far too long with a boyfriend I saw only once or twice a month. When it gets to that point, it's not really a relationship anymore, is it? He needed to be out of my life before I could stop drinking - or so I thought. Until I drank for 5 more years. Nevertheless, I'm glad I broke up with him when I did. It was a relief even if I was still drinking. If I'd stayed with him I've no doubt the drinking would have continued indefinitely because it was one of the ways I coped with his behavior.

I tried quitting for my daughters, but that didn't work as much as I love them. I tried quitting for my job, but that didn't work as important as it is to me.

One day for no particular reason at all it occurred to me that I could keep on with my miserable life drinking or I could keep on with my miserable life not drinking. Even if I wasn't certain that it wouldn't get worse, I could think of a number of things that would definitely get better. No need to lie, no need to hide bottles, no need to worry about me breath, you know, things like that.

So I set a date that was four days in the future and missed it. In the past I would have taken that as an excuse to keep drinking, but for some reason I didn't. On the fifth day, I took my Antabuse and started to Not Drink Now.

I know you can be successful at not drinking because I've succeeded. Life is not full of rainbows and lollipops, but that's ok. I don't drink now . And that's a relief. Maybe the rainbows will come later.

I hope you keep posting so that we can help you along on this journey. Thank you again so much for sharing. <3

O
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Old 07-20-2018, 08:26 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
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Wow, I can relate to so much of your post, and I sincerely thank you for sharing it. I'm about the same age as you, with children of similar ages, and I do think there is something to being in our 40s, where alcohol finally catches up to us and becomes a liability much more than an asset. The very thing that used to help our anxiety and sadness now seems to cause it, or at the very least, make it much worse.

I've been sober 7 months, which is one of the longest alcohol-free periods in my life. Towards the end, my drinking followed very similar patterns to yours, including drinking, falling asleep, and waking up "sober." Reading here, I learned some scary things, including the fact that at some point, alcohol stops working to deliver a buzz (so we don't "feel" drunk) but our BAC may still be very high. Our hangovers actually become withdrawals. The idea that drinking is helping us to get through the day is just so utterly false, even though it seems that it's not.

When I finally stopped drinking, I was just SO OVER IT, looking terrible, being exhausted, buying alcohol, switching stores, drinking and disposing of it in secret, hiding out, making excuses for why I never wanted to do anything...just DONE. And from reading your post, it sounds like you may be there too.

Can you make today your day 1? Join the July class, read everything here, drink lots of water, eat whatever you want in the early days. Sure, it's uncomfortable to stop drinking, but it is NOTHING like continuing like you are, trust me. You're not alone, we are here with you. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.
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Old 07-20-2018, 08:26 AM
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Thank you all for your kind replies. Itís inspirational to know how bad off you were yet were still able to quit. I am laying in bed right now, I managed to get three hours of sleep. Iím feeling hot and yucky and my heart is pounding a little too hard and Iíve thought about needing a drink to ease my symptoms. I havenít felt this bad for awhile. The worst is the anxiety and I have to work in a few hours. Iíd really like to not drink today but Iím worried that abruptly stopping might be a bad thing for me. The thought of having a drink right now really grossed me out. Iím definitely not craving one.

One of you said the alcoholic road ends in insanity or death. As much as Iíd like for this to not be true, I know it is. And I know not to expect too much when I do quit, other than the obvious stuff like feeling much better physically. I know my challenges within myself will still be there and líll finally have to confront and deal with them instead of running from them. I guess thatís definitely a scary thought! But I know this is a progressive disease and I have seen it in myself. It just gets worse.

Thanks again and I will definitely be hanging out here. Giving this another try.
I donít really have a plan. Just replacing the alcohol with cooking which I love to do, and healthy eating, which I used to do a lot of but drinking more has taken away my energy to do that. A lot of spiritual work. Reading this forum. I think I can probably get through the next several days but Iím not sure Iím ready to give up Tuesday night, I wonder if I would be able to go and not drink. Itís pub trivia night and I admit I feel a little anxious if Iím not drinking. I know it will be a great feeling though when I finally break the alcohol/anxiety cycle. As long as Iím drinking, the anxiety isnít going anywhere.

Thanks for sharing what worked for you too. I donít know about AA. I went to a few meetings. Iím not sure I felt too comfortable there. I could try a different meeting. Iíll definitely start taking the naltrexone again. I feel more ready than I have in quite some time. My mind just feels damaged, I know it can heal and it will but it just scares me to realize that itís probably the drinking and I may have damaged my brain. Thankfully I know that with proper nutrition and sobriety I can undo a lot of that. Hopefully today I wonít need that drink. Just lots of water and electrolytes.
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Old 07-20-2018, 08:34 AM
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I can so relate with the" drink before I do something". I'm 49 with 2 teenagers (b/16 & g/ 19). They know when I drink & when I 'm withdrawing. That's because I sit on the couch, glasses instead of contacts, unable to do anything & hubby has to take on the mother role. I, too, would drink throughout the whole day.

Right now I'm weaning off because my withdrawals are bad. I have my set date and am determined to keep it this time. I have a plan on my own terms. I can't do it for my kids-as much as I love them-because alcohol always won. I'm doing it for myself this time.

Thank you for your post. It's good to know that you're not alone and someone else shares your same struggles. Onward & Upward!
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Old 07-20-2018, 08:36 AM
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I feel for you withdraw, I never experienced it but reading peoples experience makes me ill for them and you. I could not imagine.

When I got sober, I let go of almost all my drinking friends and going to a bar with in the first week was a no no for me, that smells like a relapse in the early days.
I am almost 10 months stromg and I have been to 1 bar, and that was a planned event and everyone there knew I was an alcohlic and that was 4 months in, which may seem too soon for most as well. But I was confident I was not drinking and I think if I had the people I was with would have kicked my ass, a well-deserved ass-kicking, to be honest. It would have been the stupidest thing I could have ever done for myself. That is going backward, I like to look and move forward.
If I did not give up the friends (opersona, place and things) I would still be in the horrible place I had been in for WAY too long, the insanity cycle would still continue, a job loss, losing a child, etc.... It was all real for me and that is where I was heading, that is not an option.
I have no desire to keep up an appearance with people, places or things that are bad for me.

There are many other programs out there, I hope you are able to find one that works. Now, we can not just go somewhere and expect to be better, we have to work for it,. every single day.

Have a wonderful day, please don't make any unnecessary stops to the gas station or the booze aisle, it is all lies!
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Old 07-20-2018, 08:37 AM
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PalmerSage - yes Iím definitely there. I do all of that, switch stores, hide bottles, etc, and yes my hangovers are withdrawals. Itís scares me because it raises my blood pressure. Thatís why Iím afraid I might not be able to start today. Since I wrote my post (the one I just posted before this), my sense of anxiety has mostly gone away. Iíve been drinking a lot of water too. Just worried about work coming up but I can choose only small orders or just reject orders which we can do to a certain degree. I have to put my well being first.
And looking like crap is definitely a great motivator! My skin is dry and irritated. Iíve got 20 lbs that will probably drop off if I can quit, as I drink more calories than I eat most days!
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